bah...fuck me. I should of stopped the stims after work and just relaxed. But nope, I had to go out, had to do more.....I am not looking forward to this comedown. I CANT use my antipsychotics.....I must save them for GF's come down's. I cant take a big dose of benzo's, i gotta work at 8am, and phenazepam's half life is too long....I get to ride out it straight up. Fun....I made a fucking dumb choice tonight. I could mask it I guess...but no...cause I dont my lover to have to feel nasty come downs. So my last 3 AP's are untouchable.
Well I guess its not my worst comedown ever....that was on my first deployment. age 18.5 or so. (facts are vague to protect my ID) so we get jacked up on dexedrine and the yanks give us Desoxyn...."routine presence patrol" with multinational UN force.
We get attacked. A troop gets hurt...bad....some shrap and rounds in the gut. We ask for a medical helo. Denied because the LZ was hot (enemy fire...whatever country was providing med helo's diddnt wanna risk em)
this guy was a hell of a nice guy...always joking, giving us the candy from his rations, ect. So he is bleeding to death, internally. Helo wont come until we can confirm the area is no longer hot.....the thing was, its 4 guys, in a very hostile slum in the 3rd world....oh and peace keeping ROE's= we cant shoot unless they active attacking us. So they run around and dig in, not shooting, meaning we cant do shit....another country says it has a T-72 and a BTR-80 coming for us....3 or 4 hours. Our wounded man now accepts he will die. He resigns him self to it.
the mix of fear (surronded by hostiles) anger (send a fucking helo you dipshits) and sorrow (this wonderful young man dying in the streets of nowhere) are overwhelming. We have no med supplies, save a few dressings, morphine syrettes and dexedrine. We offer to cut his suffering short with the sryettes, he declines. We take the rest of our dexies. (150mg)
We decide to try one semi suicidal attack on the insurgents, ROE's and tactical doctrine be damned. (think a la verdun....but on a 1/200,000 scale)...just run at them....we fail, and all aquire minor injuries. We go back to our comrade. He wrote some MSN addies and phone #'s down....he wanted us to tell his friends/fam what happened, not some PR officer. I accept.
the whole time, he keeps telling us to cheer up! he keeps making jokes and stuff....he then offers something. To man an FN MAG (M241) so we can try to escape....I told him, 4 went out, either 4 return, or 0 return....We where not going to leave him to die alone, in some far off land.
he dies maybe 45mins later in my arms....I'm doing anything I can to stay composed. Soon there after....the 3rd country t-72 and BTR-80 arrive. The wisk us and his body back to a fire base.
instead of rest? instead of a shower? they gave us fresh magazines and more dexedrine, and send us out to deal with the insurgents who caused this....this time with an armoured coy and heavy inf platoon in support....so back we go, back to blood and guts and death.
We return again. Its been maybe 36 hours now, up on amps, having seen my first real war death....I ask for a single sleeping pill....denied, addictive, and they make you less capable.
I go on MSN, and tell his GF what happened, as per his request. On webcam, so she can see his blood soaked into my fatigues.
after that, the amphetamines wear off. I spend god knows how long fucking hours crying under my blankets. The trauma of my friends slow, violent death in my arms, combined with massive amp comedown...is my worst memory ever.
I remember at some point a Major and two MP's come and kick me, tell me to "unfuck" myself, get kitted up, and get ready to go "outside the wire" again....at that point, I wasnt the clean cut, blue beret wearing Canadian peacekeeper anymore. I had that blank stare on my face...later that week, I fired my weapon, and watched the target also slowly die. Not allowed to speed it up, and no med supplies to help.....that made for another *amazing* dexedrine comedown.
when I returned, I went back to finish my last HS credits and couldnt do it.....a teacher said something like "do you know the COSEQUENCES of handing an essay in late" I asked her if it would lead to my friend dying in my arms, or a mass grave of women....she had nothing to say. I then quit.
so yeah, this come down isnt too bad in retrospect, compared to them comedowns.
mods: if this is too journally, PLEASE COPY/PASTE and PM it to me before deleting. Its the first time Ive wrote it out, and its right from the heart, so pls dont make it just disappear.
the blank numb expression I mean is like this
Made me almost cry.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
