I've recently taken the plunge...
This is my first post on BlueLight but I have spent some time browsing the forums in the past. It took me a little over the past week but I have read this entire thread and decided that posting my own debacle may end up helping me or another poster who is also struggling with an amphetamine addiction.
I am not a meth addict and have actually never even done meth but my story revolves around adderall. I am going to warn those of you who may not consider prescription stimulants as "real" drugs; please do not believe this lie. While these drugs have appropriate medical uses (which I am not denying), they are plenty dangerous on their own. My experiences with adderall have been quite similar to some of the other posters experiences with methamphetamine. I encourage anyone reading this post to consider these dangers and to be careful and honest with yourselves about your usage. It's much easier to kick a habit before it becomes a real problem. Be smart and be safe. Well, here goes...
I have often struggled with academics and accomplishment of long term goals. I have tested very high on IQ tests in the past and overall am a well "educated" individual. My problems have always stemmed from lack of attentiveness and short term motivation. It is very difficult for me to study or to engage in the "grind" of completing major tasks. I believe this is caused by ADHD but also by what I am finding to be an addictive personality. I have always been easily swayed by chemical substances in addition to my complete (yet temporary) infatuation with certain activities or habits.
I am currently a college student working to earn a degree in chemistry or chemical engineering. Due to difficulty with studying and attentiveness during class, I chose to see a therapist and psychiatrist a little over a year ago. I did this with the complete intention of getting a prescription for adderall or another similar stimulant used in the treatment of ADHD. Until this point, my only experiences with stimulants were a few times with cocaine after a night of heavy drinking. I had yet to develop any addictions outside of alcohol and tobacco. I was already an alcoholic of 6+ years at this point and a habitual tobacco user for 8+ years.
I initially was prescribed Wellbutrin but I never gave it much of a chance. I don't know why but I also lied about the frequency of my alcohol use to both my therapist and doctor. After a month on Wellbutrin, the doctor prescribed me to 10mg adderall XR. I was so excited to fill the prescription. My motivation was never bad. I honestly thought that an ADHD medication could make a huge difference in my life and give me the ability to truly harness my talents. I thought it was the answer. I popped a pill as soon as I got the bottle and just as an experiment, I popped another one to see if the effects were more prominent at 20mg. I was enamored by the sudden clarity I had gained. Little did I know that I was taking the first step down a path that was going to lead to the darkest time of my life.
I didn't often "abuse" my prescription. I usually stuck to one 10mgXR per day and sometimes took another if it was a big study day. I also took regular days off. I eventually settled in to 15mg/day and this was working well for me. I often would take 2 pills as before and usually would run out of meds the day before my script was to get refilled. These first few months were the happiest times of my life. I was in love with my life. During this point, my max was reached when I took 4 pills and drove around for an hour listening to Nirvana's "In Utero" feeling like I was having an orgasm the entire time. I won't ever forget that day.
I think things permanently went out of my control during finals. This was my first binge period but it would not be my last. I ran out of pills about 5 or 6 days before my script was to be refilled. My next script lasted me 8 days. I almost freaked out at the thought of being without pills for 3 weeks. I eventually was ok with it.
I was not too concerned at first. The withdrawals sucked but I had my new poppy tea habit to deal with that. I rationalized that it was Summer time and I had no classes. Going wild with my scripts didn't matter because I didn't "need" it and I would get it back under control when school started. My son was born the week before Fall classes started. I made sure that I was jacked up when he was born. I has been planning that for months. I barely remember after he was born because I was so sleep deprived. Anxiety had started to set in by this point and it made it very uncomfortable for me to hold him or be around my wife after she gave birth. Anyways...
I didn't get control like I had planned. Things remained the same. I kept going on the quest to regain the magic and finding that little by little, it was becoming harder and harder to attain. The line between euphoric bliss and over-stimulated oblivion become thinner and thinner. Eventually, there was no line anymore...
Because of constant withdrawals and a more depressed mood, I bombed the semester. When the next semester started, I started to regain some control but it was much too late by that point. Things spiraled and as they got worse, my dosages started to increase again. I finally reached the breaking point. People talk about "hitting rock bottom" and I felt it firsthand. I didn't lose my family, I didn't lose my job, not my friends...I lost myself. My last run was pure...despair. I could no longer fathom happiness and I couldn't figure out a point to keep on living. All of my goals were suddenly meaningless and I stopped caring about everything. I didn't want to be around my family. There was no future...there was no hope. It saddened me greatly to reach this point because I knew just how much I was losing. This sadness was the only thing I was capable of feeling. I had no idea that a person could suffer that MUCH emotional agony.
This had become my life. I was breaking down physically as well as mentally in addition to the emotional pain. I lost a ton of weight, my teeth were deteriorating, my muscles were sore, my chest pains were growing in severity, I had trouble figuring out my thoughts, I was paranoid beyond belief. I never fully gave into my delusions but my mind was doing it's best to convince me that everyone was talking about me and it was only a matter of time before the cops came to take me away and that I was being followed and watched. My life was over, surely there was no recovery.
I did come to the conclusion that my ONLY chance was to quit and stay quit. In my desperation, I wrote a long letter to my wife about everything and what my plans were. The only thing I knew at the time was that I loved my son and my wife. My recovery may not have meant much to me but I knew that I needed to get better for them (especially my son) if anything. After one last day on a smaller dosage, I jumped off the boat and now here I am...
I still feel shitty. The initial withdrawal period has passed but the hard part is afterwards. Lethargy varies, school sucks, I can't concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes and I have very little motivation, the paranoia is also lingering but I think it is subsiding. In spite of all this, I'm starting to smile REAL smiles again and I'm able to enjoy my family without faking it. It still sucks. I still want nothing more than to take another adderall but I have done well to remind myself where that will take me. In the past 6 months I've also quit drinking after a long habit of an almost daily frequency. The opiate (poppy tea) habit is lingering but I'm about to jump off that boat as well (I thankfully don't currently use enough to experience withdrawal). My future is very bleak right now because I don't know what's going to happen. I'm going to have to rebuild my life, reevaluate my goals, find new hobbies, etc.. As scary as it is, I know that the alternative that is screaming for me is much much worse. I have only strength to gain from this turbulent time. I have to keep hope alive.
I barely had the energy to write that up and am surprised I wrote so much. To any of you that took the time to read through it, know that I appreciate it. I hope that as my life goes on, I can use my experiences to help other people with similar problems. I'm going to need that type of positive reinforcement to stay on the proper path. I wish you all the best of luck in overcoming your afflictions.
NOW...if nobody minds, I believe I'm going to go sleep in my car before my next class...
