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Meth/Amphetamines: Serious Discussion Only - V.2: MERGED with amps quitting thread

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I'm missing my amps! I got my script for vyvanse a couple weeks ago, abused the hell out of them and they were gone by the end of the week. I resolved I wanted to stop taking them anyways and be sober. But a week later (last Thursday/Friday) I took 70mg Vyvanse and felt great all day, got so much shit done, and generally felt like myself and strong and capable again. I miss that feeling so much. I know it's an illusion and isn't as great as my brain makes it seem to me, but I'm craving pretty bad and if i could get any type of speed at all, I would do it in a heartbeat. Meth, adderall, vyvanse, dexies, whatever, I just want to feel productive and happy and capable of great things again.

I'm going to a meeting at 7, but I don't know what to do until then. I was supposed to do some snow removal but my boss never called so that was disappointing. Just feeling like I'm capable of so much more in life but don't have the key to unlock my potential (which in my mind has always been amphetamines). How do I get over that delusion? Why does it seem like the only thing that makes life rewarding and fulfilling is amps :(
 
trocious said:
I'm missing my amps! I got my script for vyvanse a couple weeks ago, abused the hell out of them and they were gone by the end of the week. I resolved I wanted to stop taking them anyways and be sober. But a week later (last Thursday/Friday) I took 70mg Vyvanse and felt great all day, got so much shit done, and generally felt like myself and strong and capable again. I miss that feeling so much. I know it's an illusion and isn't as great as my brain makes it seem to me, but I'm craving pretty bad and if i could get any type of speed at all, I would do it in a heartbeat. Meth, adderall, vyvanse, dexies, whatever, I just want to feel productive and happy and capable of great things again.

I'm going to a meeting at 7, but I don't know what to do until then. I was supposed to do some snow removal but my boss never called so that was disappointing. Just feeling like I'm capable of so much more in life but don't have the key to unlock my potential (which in my mind has always been amphetamines). How do I get over that delusion? Why does it seem like the only thing that makes life rewarding and fulfilling is amps :(
Click to expand...

Amps do great things...for awhile. Trust me, it all goes down hill.

Perhaps your life is missing something? Maybe your struggle with speed can be the motivation to find out what that really is. I know how hard it can be; I'm in the process right now myself. You'll never find it though if you don't search. Do your best to lay off the amps because they'll just blow you further off course.

Good luck to you my friend!
 
GoronusMaximus said:
I remember obsessively checking my heart rate when I was hitting it pretty hard. I had pain on the left side of my chest and sometimes shoulder. I thought for sure that I was going to die from a heart attack at any time. It was almost a welcoming thought during the worst periods. I hope I didn't do any long lasting damage but I'm willing to live with it if that's the case. I'm lucky to have a life at all.
Click to expand...

Every single day I wonder what sort of long term damage I may have caused myself, and of course, I have stressed a lot about the risk of having a heart attack as a result.. its bad shit, makes me so nervous and anxious every time I think back to that unpleasant pain.
So after you started experiencing similar problems, was it enough to make you quit??
I haven't touched it since.
Sort of a massive wake up call.. I really needed a reason to quit, but I never meant to damage myself.
I'm thinking of getting a hospital check up, just to see if there are any noticeable problems with my ticker.
 
I need to wean off the Adderall/d-amp that I've been taking everyday for over three years. I haven't seriously abused my prescriptions, but I can tell they've been taking a toll on my body and mental state. I'm assuming the only way to stay functional is to taper because even though I've "only" been taking 20mg, I've been on amphetamines for so long. I was wondering what you guys think is a realistic way of tapering.
 
oldkaw said:
A clear flag of someone who really has ADD verses the guy who goes to a doc bluffing for drugs is the real ADD kid often could care less if he has them or not. I had a standing offer from a doc to script them and took months to drag my ass in for an appointment. I use it as a tool, not a miracle drug. If you stay within a normal therapeutic range, you build tolerance so fast you can hardly tell you've taken anything. The utility of the med continues, however. Just don't bump up the dose. Self control is the biggest player in this dance.
Click to expand...

I don't think I have legit ADD, but I've been taking the same dose of Adderall XR everyday for a very long time and I can still feel it. It's definitely not euphoric, though. I'd actually describe it as pretty damn unpleasant. I just need it to get anything done.
 
tripnotyzm said:
Every single day I wonder what sort of long term damage I may have caused myself, and of course, I have stressed a lot about the risk of having a heart attack as a result.. its bad shit, makes me so nervous and anxious every time I think back to that unpleasant pain.
So after you started experiencing similar problems, was it enough to make you quit??
I haven't touched it since.
Sort of a massive wake up call.. I really needed a reason to quit, but I never meant to damage myself.
I'm thinking of getting a hospital check up, just to see if there are any noticeable problems with my ticker.
Click to expand...

As crazy as it sounds, the chest pains used to be something I enjoyed to an extent. I first experienced them in the period where I still enjoyed taking amphetamines very much and it was something that I associated with a nice buzz. While I'm sure my heart rate was far beyond a healthy range at many times, I think the chest pain may have been more a symptom of anxiety than organic damage. It was more of a sharpness rather than the "heavy" and pressure like pain that can be caused by heart trouble. As the anxiety levels increased, so did the pain and my mindfulness of it. Since I've quit, I still deal with anxiety and occasional panic attacks and the pain can come back during those times. Anxiety was something I very very rarely experienced before amps and I'm sure now I'd fit the criteria for having a disorder. It's just something I have to live with I suppose as going in something like benzodiazepines is something I don't desire to introduce into my life on a regular basis.

I had another slip recently and it actually was fairly enjoyable again and made me feel pretty darn good. It briefly got me to thinking about figuring out how to get another script behind everyone's back. Somehow I managed to convince myself of the true path that it would lead me to and reaffirmed to myself that my life is far better without this stuff. I still view myself as having quit amps several months ago and won't let the two slip ups destroy all the progress I have managed to make.
 
^Good on you for not letting the slip ups lead you down the wrong path. You're doing a good job and I'm proud of you (you should be proud of yourself as well). :) <3
 
I feel like I totally fell for all the promises meth seduced me with. On some level I know it's not sustainable, you can't maintain shit and it all falls apart when you run out. But I love it. I can be okay for a few days or a week, but something usually just happens that fucks with my sense of serenity and acceptance and my mind obsesses about it, making me so irritable that no one wants to be around me, adding to the shame and guilt and desire to escape through using. I don't know, what a vicious cycle. Part of me loves the craziness but part of me wants a healthy, normal life where I can feel consistently content about who I am and where my life is at.

Damn, down to my last quarter gram and I'm broke hope shit doesn't hit the fan in the next couple of days. Hell, maybe it already has and I'm in denial... fuck.
 
This may not belong here. But feel my pain.

Saying goodbye to 10 months of a-PVP. Sweet mother of God its going to be weird, yet relaxing.

The best part is I will attempt this, as I have before, while still having a good amount stashed. No flush.

Oh Gods of willpower grant me strength.
 
I find that quitting is so much harder when a stash is prominent..
But, flushing is also something that can be hard to do..
Can you leave it with a trusted friend until you are clean enough to face the temptation?
Which ever way you decide on, good luck to you.


Ahhh.. I had some really uncomfortable using dreams again in my sleep :(
It has been so long since I have quit.
 
I wont flush. What a waste.

And I wont give it to a freind. What kinda freind would I be? Ha

Im thinking that hardcore weight lifting and cycling will be enough. The weather is too nice to be sitting inside paranoid. Something Ive waited months for. Not gonna fuck up. Not gonna stress it.

Thanks for the encouragment
 
I avoided posting about it the last few days because I was very embarrassed and didn't want to discourage anyone but I've (temporarily) jumped back on the boat...

My recent adderall experience I described in my last post was enough to convince me I could handle a little more. A guy I work with has a cousin who sells a lot of pharmaceuticals. I made one purchase of a bunch of MsContin 15 mg morphine pills as I've been dealing with an opiate problem that I developed a more serious problem with on my last full break from adderall to deal with the emotional pain of the withdrawal (which was far more extreme than my previous and temporary breaks). I intended it to be a temporary solution but it got far enough that I started getting dope sick when I ceased opiate intake. My main kick has been poppy seed tea (about 2-3lbs at a time). I'd drink my tea usually late at night and I'd wake up still feeling pretty good throughout the next day even after the effects wore off. I'd be more of my "old" self more or less the next day and because it's been awhile since I've been that person on a regular and consistent basis, the feeling would comes across as being a "europhoric" one. The use of the tea would be more of a calming and content feeling than a "europhoric" one (I used to get incredible euphoria from opiates and would occasionally still get it from tea or oxycodone but not as often). Anyways, I'd generally start feeling withdrawal symptoms on the 2nd day and get them more severely on the 3rd day. The 2nd day would be a minor annoyance; feeling like I'd just gotten off of a long and hard day at work. The 3rd day would start the more severe gastrointestinal problems along with a sore back and legs but still bearable on most days. Day 4 is the one I could never conquer; my mind would be mostly blank, motivation non-existent along with depression and more severe leg and back cramps/restlessness (the leg ones would be the one I couldn't deal with) and instead of sticking to my taper plan I would reluctantly drive to the market (something that I wouldn't even want to do) and dose my normal intake. I started to despise the routine of cutting open the bags and mixing the seeds with whatever liquid I chose for the night while it used to just be a part of the ritual. This started me on the path of searching for easier methods of getting my "fix". I started to actively seek out heroin (the very substance that destroyed my father's life and ruined his potential for achievement as a literal genius) and came very close to driving to North Philly or a closer spot in my own town to "cop" on the street despite having no experience. I never found any dope nor got the guts to hit the street but I did buy the morphine pills (which were nearly useless despite me using my knowledge of chemistry to separate the active compound from the time release material) and actually put me into withdrawal even faster.

I had a lot of experience quitting amphetamines and while it was terrible experience, dope sickness was not something I had found the willpower to make it through. My occupation as a line cook in a high volume restaurant was too unbearable during the worst of it. Perhaps if I worked in a more laid back environment with less physical activity, it would be an easier one and I could just power through it. As much as I've enjoyed and still enjoy the usage of opiates; I more strongly desired my complete freedom from substances of abuse and wanted/want to jump off that boat. I finally found the freedom from alcohol after 6-7 years of near daily use despite the fact that a part of me still very much enjoyed it. I now have no desire to drink to intoxication anymore and probably couldn't even force myself to at current. My point is that I don't want to continue this life of slavery.

The same person who sold the morphine pills also had adderall. I wanted to have a few days of fun with them and then utilize them to get through opiate withdrawal (they helped in the past with a more minor withdrawal). When I went to buy them, they didn't have any but had some focalin pills instead. I wasn't quite sure what they were but I bought them and soon found out they were basically a more potent version of Ritalin. I railed about 45 milligrams the first night I had them and had a grand time and bought some more a few days later. Since then, I've returned to the chest pains, elevated heart rate (I've measured it as high as 138bmp), and muscle cramps. Mentally, I've alternated between slightly elevated euphoria to the old feelings of hopeless, meaningless despair. One of the nights, I dreamt of my friends being killed or mutilated all night.

I've actually done a much better job of dosage control but have loaded up enough that most mornings (after 3-7 hours of Benadryl induced sleep) I've woken up still feeling it in my system but have tapered down enough that the past few days have been better. I almost scored some opiates the other night to deal with the very negative feelings/comedown but I reminded myself that all of this suffering will have been in vain. I'm at the end of day 4 of withdrawal but I've reluctantly been able to power through my work days and I think it will be over soon. I'm off tomorrow and hope to abstain from anything and have a few days of focalin left. I plan to taper down to a very low dosage by then with the hope of avoiding stim withdrawal or having a very minor experience that I can negate with some caffeine.

Hopefully by the end of the upcoming week my system will be completely clear of everything for the first time in quite some time, the withdrawals will be gone/bearable, and I will be well on the road to recovery. Most importantly, I will finally be free of this terrible nightmare that my life has become. I can get my life back, I can go back to being a good husband and father whose overjoyed to watch his child grow up, and I can rediscover hope. I have no idea how I got here and I've accepted the fact that I will forever be a drug addict but with the strength I will gain from these experiences; I can finally be free.
 
I have been clean for weeks. No... months. But I have become permanently altered. I can't sleep or eat. I took a drug test last week at home, because I can't sleep or eat, and I was concerned that my system had somehow stored meth.

Obviously I am totally clean. I knew that before I took the test. So now I don't know how to handle being permanently tweaked.
 
Hi everyone.

I've been clean off meth and other stuff for over 20 years. I had surgery a couple weeks ago, and was given an Rx for Tylenol #3. Which I understand is fairly weak shit. But I found myself saving it, even though I don't feel pain anymore. It took me a couple of days to realize I was planning a relapse. As soon as I recognized it, I mixed the pills with some old coffee ground and got rid of it. I'm a little rattled, since this was the first near-relapse I've had in a pretty long time.

Anyway, this is my first post on BL. Thing is, with this much time clean, I don't have a lot of people in my life that would understand, or that it would be safe to even talk to about it.

I don't want to freak anyone out and give the impression that cravings and all that hang around for 20 years, because it's not like that. But it still only takes a second to throw things out the window. For those of you struggling right now, hang in there and fight your ass off.

That's all I'm comfortable writing about right now. I just needed some way to communicate what (almost) happened..
 
Wow just read posts for like an hr, lol we are all so alike,man I can relate to everyone,wonder if my head will ever be the same?,keep fighting the good
Fight every one, we are only human, and this is hard. Just do the next right thing, no matter how much wrong has been done?peace skillets
 
Hi. I'm new here and aplogize in advance for anything that is inappropriate in my post.

I'm a 32 year old alcoholic & drug addict. My main DOC was heroin/pharmaceutical opiods but I dabbled with meth(tried it once and loved it at the time....till I crashed and wanted to die) and adderall as well. On two occasions I bought a month's supply of the little blue footballs and on each occasion I used most of them within a day or two.

I've been an active member of AA for 5 years but I relapsed four months ago and a couple of days ago as well...i guess. I was making ice cream and did a "whip-it" off of the dead whipped cream bottle. I didn't even get buzzed but I guess it's gotta count as a relapse.

I live on Long Island and meth isn't around(or at least not available to me) like it was when I was in CA.

About a week ago I started glorifying meth/amp's and I decided to order some Adderall. Now I'm having a hard time struggling about whether or not to flush it when it arrives.

I had slacked off on my meeting frequency until four days ago and I've been making meetings every day since. I told my sponsor about it but I'm still excited about the possible experience.

I've been readin BL forums for at least three years but recently decided to become a contributor.

Your stories about amp use are really pushing me toward flushing the pills when they arrive. I go back and forth and I'm trying to find the strength to stay abstinant. I would be lying if I said that doing that whip-it wasn't a contributing factor. I think like "fuck it. I already relapsed so who cares about a couple weeks of sober time. I have to start from the ground up anyway" or something like that.

Thank you for sharing and supplying me with a long list of reasons why I shouldn't even bother. But again, I'm still on the fence.

I apologize if anything I said triggered an urge to use but I think I stayed away from glorifying drug use. Plus, my words prob. aren't as powerful as I think they are, esp. if you have some good sobriety under your belt. My sponsor said, "a head full of AA and a stomach full or adderall is a bad combo". Anyway, thanks agaion for sharing your experiences and they have helped me tremendously, even if I am still on the fence.

Thanks again.
 
Its always frustrating to wake up out of a vivid drug dream. I have had 2 consecutive dextroamphetamine using dreams these past 2 nights. They can mess with me psychologically but at least they can't hurt me. With that said, I now have exactly 11 (eleven) months between now and my last use (actually a little more, but I go by the day I checked into rehab-I got documentation of drug tests that I've been off Dex for that long. And although I'm not a person who goes very much by 12 Step/Narcotics Anonymous's philosophy, I do consider the last time that I got high to be my last use and I did get wrecked on potent cannabis before checking in. Now I only have the rest of my life to stay away from amphetamines. I highly recommend the book Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey for anyone who wants to stay off any drug for good. Be safe and do no harm.
-sweaty
 
I'm currently struggling with an amphetamine addiction. I recently relapsed after having almost 6 weeks clean time from meth & I ended up relapsing this weekend. I have no idea what happened I mean, I finally started feeling somewhat hopeful and optimistic about life again, I don't know made me decide to go smoke to be honest...Amphetamines have been in control of me for quite a bit of my life. I started taking adderrall when I was 13 years old, and no, n
 
I think that's the scariest thing about relapse. A lot of the time, a person isn't even thinking about- like craving and NEEDING IT. And yet they still go back. It was like that for me for almost 10 years. I just kept trying to quit, until eventually I was able to. I think the chances of really stopping get better each time we try. You can do it again!
 
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