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Meth/Amphetamines: Serious Discussion Only - V.2: MERGED with amps quitting thread

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hey cAkEnOoB, just wanted you to know i understand how you feel...

been an addict for 7 years. a meth user for 1 year now. had a month clean, but relapsed. went on a 2-3 day binge. by the end of the binge, i went home and spent HOURS peeking out my window convinced that the cops were coming. i was so fuckin paranoid i flushed all my old baggies and hid my pipes in the backyard. stupid. no fuckin cops came btw.

i said fuck this shit and stopped. AGAIN. oh and also the meth dreams are very common and will happen when you stop using....they should go away or atleast dissipate a lil as time goes by...

my friend who lives 5 seconds from me and who used with me on my relapse keeps hitting my phone up constantly. like 20x a day askin me if i wanna get high or want dope. he texts me constantly. he even said yesterday "im coming over to your house." he didnt...but i was like wtf. time to change my phone number for real.

thats how i relapsed last time. its what always happens. i get a text saying "wanna get high?" then boom. takes me 2 seconds to respond and soon as i know it, i got the pipe in my mouth.

ive had my thing with all drugs in the past. im on suboxone now for OC/heroin addiction. alcohol, coke, pills, hallucinogens, whatever...ive never had a harder time with any other drug, than with meth. i just cant stay away from it completely. but i know that i HAVE TO. i have to. things get very dark, very fast for me with meth...

with meth, i lose my mind. i lose my looks. i lose my sanity. i lose EVERYTHING. i dont want it anymore.

learning that i need to surround myself with people who arent using. i need to change my number. i need to do these things if i want to stay clean.
 
Thank you.

Just a note to everyone on the site:

Just reading all of the comments you guys have put on this thread is very motivating for me. I'm currently using and have been for about a year. I really am starting to understand what someone earlier meant when they explained that you don't notice the negative things about meth until you're really hooked on it. It's so true. Everything is so positive at first, then takes a drastic change for the worse... but by this time you need it to even get out of bed in the morning...

I'm sure we all know how this feels to some degree, or are nearing it in the future. (Sad, but true.. there will always be new addicts that have to learn for themselves)

I'm attending school full time beginning in September and I'll have to quit then because I won't be able to afford it due to not working full time.. either that or quit school. Wish me luck whenever I set my date. But it'll take a lot more than just luck.

BTW I really enjoyed that post near the beginning with advice on how to quit. It's inspired me to write up my own "guide" to quit and I highly recommend that every individual writes up his/her own guide to quit. It helps to break things down into easy, manageable tasks.

My guide includes time off work, vitamins, the placement of positive distractors (guitar, music, crosswords, word-searches, books, painting, drawing, etc.), and the importance and benefits of exercising. Also I included a list of numbers to erase from my phone, and numbers to keep on speed dial. I even put what kind of environment ill need.. in my case I need solitude the first few weeks. No noise, no stress. I put that my room, (the detox room) will need to be cleaned before hand to avoid another source of stress... clean sheets, all my laundry done, real tidy environment. I even included some little ideas for each day like "you're going feel shitty, it's normal. It's all part of the process"

While this may sound complex I've organized it in such a way that it's easy to read and follow. Having a too complex guide can cause more stress if you fail to follow it exactly. Just thought I'd share my guide with you all, I highly recommend it, and I'd be happy to help you write your own.

Also the realization that if I do relapse, to not beat myself up over it. We can't beat ourselves up over it. Time clean is never wasted... even if it seems that way with all the sleeping.

This site is pretty awesome because of the people that are on it. Some posts and threads slip through the cracks and are nonsense, incorrect, promoting the use of drugs, hurtful, or just plain lunacy, but when you stop and think about it for a forum that is mainly used by "drugged out junkies" there is an abundance of intelligent, meaningful, thoughtful and insightful pieces of text.

Whether an active addict or inactive we should give ourselves a pat on the back for not being the stereotypical users, and still preserving our ability to interact with society and to function.. At least with each-other. But that in itself is proof that we are human and that we are equal to everyone else. We are a society, a society to call our own, we are human beings on this earth and it's real nice to know that we are never alone. No matter how desperate things seem.

It might just be a forum, or it might be something more.

But all of us are never alone.

For this, blue-light members, I thank you. <3
 
I posted this in the earlier to a member inquiring if meth was ok for weekend use...

Um, no it is not ok to do on weekends. Do you feel alert? Confident? Motivated? Energized? Like a 6 year-old on Christmas morning? If Christmas could come every weekend, any 6 year-old would be thrilled. But what if it could come every day, but you thought it would be more special if Santa only came around on Friday and Saturday for a little yuletide binge? Well... maybe he could also come Wednesdays too, right? But only on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. Sure, that'd be ok. But Wednesday was so much fun and it would be a bummer to clean up all this wrapping paper when you can just say the word and turn this big mess into more presents and Christmas cheer. Yay, Christmas on Thursday! But now the mess is huge and Thursday IS right before Friday, right? Christmas is allowed to come on Friday and the living room looks like someone dropped an atom bomb on the jolly fat man's workshop. Ok, ok, we'll just celebrate Christmas through Saturday, then go back to the normal schedule, maybe even drop Wednesdays. Shit, what happened? It has been Christmas for six years now. You can't think of opening another present without barfing but you have no reason to get up in the morning if you can't try to recapture the elation of rushing down the stairs to see your Christmas bounty. Every morning you think to yourself, "This time, yes, this time I'll feel the magic again." Sorry bud, the magic is gone. Nothing for you but a lump of coal and a switch. Christmas fuckin' sucks.
 
Mr-Tambourine-Man said:
Shit, what happened? It has been Christmas for six years now. You can't think of opening another present without barfing but you have no reason to get up in the morning if you can't try to recapture the elation of rushing down the stairs to see your Christmas bounty. Every morning you think to yourself, "This time, yes, this time I'll feel the magic again." Sorry bud, the magic is gone. Nothing for you but a lump of coal and a switch. Christmas fuckin' sucks.
Click to expand...

Exactly. I'm so fucking sick of trying to recapture the magic. I'm dangerously close to letting this shit completely take over my life. It's slowly starting to come apart at the seams. School, work, relationships, my emotional and physical health- I'm hanging on to all these things by a thread. And yet I keep fucking with this shit. Fuck meth.
 
Yeah.. shit's terrible. Just... one.... more.... gift... And I'll be ok.

NOTT

Christmas does fuckin' suck.
 
Thank you Wingnutlives, for your suggestions on meth recovery via nutrition awhile back. I'm new on the block and now see i have 20 plus pages to review! I was pleased to see that I already incorporate many of your food recs into my life. My biggest challenge is that not having health insurance what alternative over the counter supplements can I incorporate if need be. I'm sure the answer is somewhere here..so i am off on the hunt.
 
I would recommend a at least once a day multi-vitamin, omega fatty acids, and any supplements for anything your diet may be lacking. For example, protein shakes, vitamin c pills. Another thing to look into is i remembr reading about a natural tree root that stimulates the adrenal gland to help with energy. Might be something to look into.
 
I feel so inspired to see people's recovery stories. I've been using off and on since I was 16... I'm now 27. Prior to last December I had been sober about a year and a half. Life happens though and under a lot of pressure and stress at home and work I buckled and started again. Its gotten deeper this time because of the crowds I run with, you all know the type of people I'm talking about, drama drama drama and shadiness. I've since lost my job because I didn't care, lost some friends I've known for years... actual usage has increased from every couple of days to pretty much daily. I look back on my life and I see it repeating itself. I've hit rock bottom before, I don't want to be there again.

Ironically, there is one good thing that came from all of this, and that is my husband. We met back in December... he was the one I bought from back then. He was a raver, not so much into the meth scene, but someone started him on it a few month previous and... well in the beginning, I think the addiction is really quite different than for someone who has been using as long as I have. We both have acknowledged that we probably need to stop smoking. We've gone as long as 2 weeks without it, but then we got bored and said what the heck lets get high.

I don't want this to be our entire life... we just got married on St. Patrick's day in Vegas. We went there randomly and ended up staying for a week. It was so much fun and the best part is that we were not smoking for most of that time. So much laughing and good times. meth is evil. It sucks the emotions right out of you so there is nothing to feel, until the high wears off and lets the negative come back. At least, that's how I feel.

Sorry for the rant.. I just don't know how to stop for good. It's like I need to be high to be normal. I eat, sleep, everything and always high. When I'm not I get confused easily and I tend to drop things a lot... and I feel so ashamed of my weakness for this drug.
 
I got stuff on saturday night after wanting speed for a while. The week before that I had taken 2 1/2 xtc pills even though I take anti depressants. I know I shouldn't have of even bothered but I did for whatever known reason. Any how after these past 2 weeks my brain hasn't been the kindest to me. I have been feeling a bit out of it and am waiting to recover entirely but it still doesn't feel as if it has happened yet.

Has anyone got some suggestions? Or perhaps am I over analysing the situation?
 
First time posting in this thread. I'm almost 22, started using meth when I was about 16/17. Only last year it got bad. I ended up freaking out hard, insane paranoia and what not. Yea, really bad.

Anyways, I'm proud to say I haven't touched it since mid November of last year.

I still get the urge to do it here and there. Whether or not I'll do it again, who knows. If I do end up using again, I can't use in the amounts and frequencies that I used too. It took like 4 months for me to get back to "normal" after I had my massive freak outs.
 
better the devil you know? or more like, the one you wish you'd never know

footscrazy said:
While meth motivates you in the first place soon it makes you completely apathetic and completely kills motivation.
Click to expand...

Spot on. Got to love the irony of that one, eh? And it becomes an all-too-familiar shelter of convenience because you can attribute all the things you neglect in your life down to one tidy problem: a habit; it's almost as if your mind (in all its scattered state) can make sense of the world by taking the easy route & allowing a single 'thing' or explanation to be held liable for your own actions.... and by blaming such behaviours on said habit, the pain of your past might seem somewhat more palatable, providing you with a 'valid' alternative to working through those issues so you can actually move on.

a meth habit, or at least, my habit - long having lost its real enjoyment or recreational value - is just a convenient means to and end of periodic self-torture that really has no logical basis when I allow myself to live healthily and take proper care of my physical, emotional, mental wellbeing. But quitting altogether requires a level of honesty to oneself that I am almost certain drugs have made me incapable of - if I can lie my way into this hole, this superficial existence within which all things center around one chemical alone - then how am I guaranteed to feel secure in the fact that I might be lying to myself about the 'need' to get better?

vicious cycle really....I have found the only thing that keeps recurring feelings of depression and anxiety (inevitably associated with long-term use) is daily exercise. and a steadfast determination to prove that self-deprecating voice inside your head wrong, once and for all, and stare right into the eyes of all your demons and show them who's boss. It's amazing how little someone appreciates clean living until they've been to hell and back (sometimes many times) over an inanimate fucking man-made substance. :|

in short: an addiction is the only explicable means of enabling the cycle of negativity and self-doubt. dealing with a single feeling of inadequacy is much simpler than tackling what you perceive to be a plethora of flaws underneath....but really, accepting those shortcomings for what they are and making a concerted effort to improve upon them, is a hell of a more satisfying way to spend the rest of one's life. it's all boils down to summoning enough courage to stick to your resolve, and seeking proper aid for the damage brought upon the brain from periods of use. it's all very simple in theory, eh?
 
hyroller said:
Spot on. Got to love the irony of that one, eh? And it becomes an all-too-familiar shelter of convenience because you can attribute all the things you neglect in your life down to one tidy problem: a habit; it's almost as if your mind (in all its scattered state) can make sense of the world by taking the easy route & allowing a single 'thing' or explanation to be held liable for your own actions.... and by blaming such behaviours on said habit, the pain of your past might seem somewhat more palatable, providing you with a 'valid' alternative to working through those issues so you can actually move on.

a meth habit, or at least, my habit - long having lost its real enjoyment or recreational value - is just a convenient means to and end of periodic self-torture that really has no logical basis when I allow myself to live healthily and take proper care of my physical, emotional, mental wellbeing. But quitting altogether requires a level of honesty to oneself that I am almost certain drugs have made me incapable of - if I can lie my way into this hole, this superficial existence within which all things center around one chemical alone - then how am I guaranteed to feel secure in the fact that I might be lying to myself about the 'need' to get better?

vicious cycle really....I have found the only thing that keeps recurring feelings of depression and anxiety (inevitably associated with long-term use) is daily exercise. and a steadfast determination to prove that self-deprecating voice inside your head wrong, once and for all, and stare right into the eyes of all your demons and show them who's boss. It's amazing how little someone appreciates clean living until they've been to hell and back (sometimes many times) over an inanimate fucking man-made substance. :|

in short: an addiction is the only explicable means of enabling the cycle of negativity and self-doubt. dealing with a single feeling of inadequacy is much simpler than tackling what you perceive to be a plethora of flaws underneath....but really, accepting those shortcomings for what they are and making a concerted effort to improve upon them, is a hell of a more satisfying way to spend the rest of one's life. it's all boils down to summoning enough courage to stick to your resolve, and seeking proper aid for the damage brought upon the brain from periods of use. it's all very simple in theory, eh?
Click to expand...

Methamphetamine is actually a natural substance, even though all the methamphetamine people use is man made and you are very correct in this sense. :)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methamphetamine#Natural_occurrence
 
2.5yrs clean from meth.

Started my meth career at full speed. I had a job that paid me exceptionally well, and could afford as much of anything i wanted. so, tried meth not knowing what it was. bought $500 worth the next day, and just kept using and using and using. Would typically buy a half ounce at a time, hence my nickname.

never imagined i'd be a meth addict, and emotionally when i look back on it, i really really enjoyed using meth. but i also caused an enormous amount of harm to myself and loved ones. i used long enough to see just how thoroughly meth addicts destroy their lives.

and frankly one of the biggest reasons i was able to quit was because of the tweaks, especially the bugs. and the more meth i did, the more quickly my tweak would set in, and it frankly broke my spirit.

so, the horrible tweaks, the cost (i spent ALL my money on it), the danger, the constantly having to lie, the way my teeth were falling apart, the fact that i couldn't feel emotions other than anger and guilt.... it was too much to bear. i definitely hit my rock bottom.

once i quit, it was pretty easy to stay quit. by the time i got out, there was no such thing as remotely decent quality anymore, hated jacking with incompetent dealers.

it was a relief. i spent the next 30 days doing nothing but eating and sleeping. then it took awhile for my brain to regrow dopamine receptors, so for several months i experienced no pleasure in anything. i didn't hate anything, but nothing was fun or joyful.

although it seems to be anathema to say this on BL - i also used a 12-step group to help me, and frankly that was a godsend. i was isolating for so long, that when i left my drug friends behind, i had no social interaction. the 12-step group provided that, and slowly i started to feel normal again.

having been clean for awhile, the thought of using seems like a waste of money. there's no substance to a life on meth. i needed to become a better person.

even if i were guaranteed to be completely safe with an unlimited amount of the purist meth, i would decline. once you've jacked off 5 times, then the tweaks start hitting, and its all so... empty.

honestly the last few months of using were mainly to potentiate orgasms. even that gets old after awhile.

i feel for anyone caught in the grip of meth. its so easy to let happen, since it triggers your obsessive compulsiveness like nothing else. the thing about quitting is just doing it. that's the hardest part. you gotta just make a decision and take action. break your pipes. change your cell phone number. work on staying clean on a day by day basis.

so couple years later, is life better? absolutely. it started getting better quickly, but i've not yet plateaued. i've got real relationships now, clarity of thought, freedom from guilt, don't have to worry about going to jail... oh, and i was able to quit cigarette smoking, and omg that's the best thing i've EVER done.

sorry for the ramble...
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Methamphetamine is actually a natural substance, even though all the methamphetamine people use is man made and you are very correct in this sense. :)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methamphetamine#Natural_occurrence
Click to expand...

Thanks for sharing this. I have not looked much into it but google has found sources stating that amphetamine and methamphetamine are in fact found in nature. I would be curious as to whether these forms are more gentle, such a coca leaves vs. cocaine.
 
stuck at first step...

I have been on meth/amps one or the either since 2003, initially as a study aid but eventually as life support. Used to just snort meth while studying for exams or doing assignments, then I got a dex script so could get by on just that for 2 years or so, then started running out of dex before I could renew my script so started using meth to tie over the few days between script could be renewed (smoking since my sinus has problems now). Now its more like dex ties me over during the time I can't use glass (during day at work etc).

winning has always been important to me (eg at uni), and amps of any form have enabled me to do this for as long as I can remember. for this reason I can't make myself want to stop, because I just fall to pieces without my fuel. I have given up other substances during this time that I didn't care so much about because I could rationalise that they are detrimental to my performance/life, so I have a logical reason to stop. I now know that I care less about winning than I do about meth, but the two are fundamentally tangled within my core person because everything my esteem is based on can be attributed to the drug. I have become very good at holding myself together with the drug (I use the bug crawling sensations to help me fall asleep, if anything seems unusual or out of place I ignore it because its probably not real). My point is I can justify any negative aspect of the drug but I cannot imagine life without it.

i am stuck the first step here, how does everyone make themselves really want to stop in the first place?
 
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the negatives of doing it just outweighed the positives of doing it. bear in mind, it took a thousand tries to successfully stop, and the negatives were SO negative and the positives barely there at all.

it was pretty easy to walk away from when i'd finally hit rock bottom. same with smoking cigarettes. when i was finally sick of nicotine, i quit that too.

and THANK YOU GOD FOR THAT. freedom from addiction is SUCH a gift, omg. so worth it in every way
 
just took / taken? 3 weeks off adderall... got scripted 70mgs vyvanse per day... expensive , but so far amazing stuff ...

I only took the one pill today for the first time... and it feels like a smoother adderall XR ... yet strong enough
 
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