Messy situation and relationship.. Help?

[kace]

I'm feeling really confused and hopeless at the moment. I've been with my boyfriend since August last year. We didn't meet in the most romantic way, I got ahold of him to try and score some hard drugs to kill myself whilst trying to taper off benzos, and instead became addicted to smoking heroin with him. He supported me through some very dark times, which I am forever grateful for, yet I know that this drug fused relationship can't continue.

I want to try a script again, yet my boyfriend can't as he is worried it might jeopardise his living. What is our best solution?

He threatens to harm himself with a knife, or turn to the needle (he pins me up occasionally), if I leave him. I can't let this happen! I do love him but have told him that is a horrendous thing to think and say, and to get help for it like I am doing for my own mental health. He says he will quit heroin with me, but doesn't seem willing to take the necessary steps to do so. I want to support him and help him through, but know and have told him, that he needs to be truly motivated to for himself. I'm scared of becoming drug free, of being alone, yet know this is now grounds to stay with someone.

 

[DOB]

He says he will quit heroin with me, but doesn't seem willing to take the necessary steps to do so.

this is absolute classic,all addicts want to stop,but if they have money and arent dying they never stop... i heard this from milion times,and not just addicts,my mother is telling me how she gonna loose weight for ten years,it never happen.

what one want is just theoretical herpa derp,if he wants to quit heroin,he stops doing heroin its no quantum science


decide what u want,u sound like u like living life of heroin junkie with your junkie boyfriend,some people like this dirty messy filthy rotten nightmare of a lifestyle

 

[floatingaround]

He's being extremely selfish in saying he will harm himself if you leave. You shouldn't put up with that. You need to focus on yourself and not let him drag you down. Good luck with getting yourself clean.

 

[kace]

Yeah, it is typical. No, I hate this shitty lifestyle more than anything. I said to myself I would only ever try heroin on my death bed or to kill myself, and that's what I attempted to do but caught in this relationship.. Ugh.. I will never forgive myself or be able to go back. Yet, it feels as even if I quit, I would never live a normal life or move on after this. I guess I should just muster up the balls and stick to my original plan. I should split up with my boyfriend to not hurt him as much. I had a life till June of last year, a job, friends and was studying at university. Now I'm fucking trash. I hate knowing what I have to do, but I guess I should just enjoy the bit of life I have left. I destroyed it as soon as I started all this bullshit, now to pick the right time to officially end it. Please, nobody else try this shit and get sucked in too. I don't want to kill myself but it feels like I have too, made too many mistakes and if I don't will just end up living like this forever. Bye bluelight.

 

[!_MDMA_!]

Yeah, it is typical. No, I hate this shitty lifestyle more than anything. I said to myself I would only ever try heroin on my death bed or to kill myself, and that's what I attempted to do but caught in this relationship.. Ugh.. I will never forgive myself or be able to go back. Yet, it feels as even if I quit, I would never live a normal life or move on after this. I guess I should just muster up the balls and stick to my original plan. I should split up with my boyfriend to not hurt him as much. I had a life till June of last year, a job, friends and was studying at university. Now I'm fucking trash. I hate knowing what I have to do, but I guess I should just enjoy the bit of life I have left. I destroyed it as soon as I started all this bullshit, now to pick the right time to officially end it. Please, nobody else try this shit and get sucked in too. I don't want to kill myself but it feels like I have too, made too many mistakes and if I don't will just end up living like this forever. Bye bluelight.

Please don't do anything rash. Things may feel rough now but they can and will turn around. You can climb out of the deepest valleys to the highest peaks. Cut off contact with all known drug users, stop using, get away and immerse yourself in a healthy habit.

If you need anyone to talk to I'm here.

 

[Bearlove]

Give yourself a break - you have been given a second chance albeit on really rough circumstances. You obviously have compassion and respect and are capable of love as your putting your boyfriend first - put yourself first in a positive way. Has this temporary fix changed any of your old problems, or maybe given you time to reflect? You could look at it as the worst thing ever and hate yourself for it or you could look at it as a stop gap measure until you can see sense of things?

If you had gone through with your old plans you would have been dead for 5 months. Surely there is something you can do for yourself that is better than the situation your in, the situation you were in and death?

There are plenty of support groups available in the UK - why not get yourself into a treatment programme? Start for you, if your boyfriend wants to join and really get clean he is free to join you if after x amount of months he has not made an effort then revist your options again.

 

[kace]

Thanks for your replies, I really appreciate it guys. I'm sorry for making a pretty emo response. I really need to stop putting myself through benzo withdrawals and not taking my anti depressants as I should do. You are all right. I should really look at this a kick up the arse, if anything. Looking back on my old posts, I definitely wasn't happy and things were going downhill for a while.
I think I'll give life one more shot, really try hard on getting clean and sorting things out. There's a lot in life I still want to achieve and perhaps I could use these bad experiences to become a stronger person. I'm just not sure if I should do it alone, or with my partner. I want him to have his own motivation so we can help each other out.

Please don't do anything rash. Things may feel rough now but they can and will turn around. You can climb out of the deepest valleys to the highest peaks. Cut off contact with all known drug users, stop using, get away and immerse yourself in a healthy habit.

If you need anyone to talk to I'm here.

Give yourself a break - you have been given a second chance albeit on really rough circumstances. You obviously have compassion and respect and are capable of love as your putting your boyfriend first - put yourself first in a positive way. Has this temporary fix changed any of your old problems, or maybe given you time to reflect? You could look at it as the worst thing ever and hate yourself for it or you could look at it as a stop gap measure until you can see sense of things?

If you had gone through with your old plans you would have been dead for 5 months. Surely there is something you can do for yourself that is better than the situation your in, the situation you were in and death?

There are plenty of support groups available in the UK - why not get yourself into a treatment programme? Start for you, if your boyfriend wants to join and really get clean he is free to join you if after x amount of months he has not made an effort then revist your options again.

Thank you! I needed this. Yes I attend a substance abuse service, have done since I self referred myself for help coming off of benzos. They said I had tapered down far too quickly and no wonder I had been feeling so low. I need to grow up, as does my partner. Early 20s are made for mistakes, but I am terrified of this being my life forever. I know I'm the only one which can change things though. I've got in contact with the abuse place, trying to get another script but for the time being cutting down on the amount I consume (alongside my partner). Who knows, I could come out of this a stronger person that could help other people with their own addiction problems in the future.

 

[Beachcat]

Wow, I think you know what you need to do and the answer is not to kill yourself. At this time, it seems like your partner is toxic to you. You love him, but in the long run you will be way better off without him unless he chooses to make some major life changes.

It is such the trap of the cycle you are in to not be able to imagine life without the drugs, or life without that person. Your brain chemistry is just so fucked up at this point. At least give yourself the opportunity to make life choices from a clear perspective . When I got off of opiates, I felt so low. I thought I would never be ok again. Fast forward to now, and lo and behold, my brain works as it should again. I can feel happy, joyful, etc. it is a really great feeling. I think you owe it to yourself to feel this way again. It will suck getting there, but you really can do it and it will be worth it.

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

Yeah this guy is a parasite to you right now, totally toxic in every way. I know because I have been that guy before and ruined womens lives who stayed with me, just like this guy will for you if you don't leave.

I'm sure deep down he does love you, but the fact is that when you're using, the drugs come first. He loves the dope more and will not be the one to stop and do the right thing for you, which is why you have to yourself.

I know you love him, but at some point, you need to start thinking about yourself and do what's best for you. If he gets better, maybe there could be a future for you two, but not right now. He is very unwell and your co-dependnet enabling relationship is honestly just making him worse.

You need to leave.

 

[EP158207]

the best thing for BOTH of you is for you to leave. If he then goes on to kill himself, you should not blame yourself at all, because it would have been him that made the decision to die. Unless you are the one giving him the fatal shot, then don't beat yourself up about it.

You made a few mistakes, simply because you didn't deal with your anxiety or depression very well. All you need to do is get rid of your bf, kick the H, then get back to focusing on the root cause that started all this: you need to work why you are anxious, and why you are depressed. After that everything will fall into place.

 

[motherofearth]

Yeah, this guy is giving you lip service, whether he means to or not. I know it is hard to leave a person that seemed to give you a second chance, but you probably should avoid attributing that second chance to this guy, as your relationship w/ him needs to be classified as Mr. Scag put it: parasitic. I've been that guy to many a girl too unfortunately and it was always drugs first. I guess I was just honest w/ myself about that part. You can't save this guy, and conversely, you are not responsible for his fate. You leaving him is necessary for you both to grow past your heroin habits.

I never know couples to get and stay clean together. Just my experience.

For one reason or another, you didn't kill yourself after meeting this guy. Maybe you felt you just needed to live for him, to help him. If this is the case, maybe you should center your efforts elsewhere. A lot can be personally gained by helping people - it is a great role for someone recovering from this addiction. I'd recommend after you kick the drugs to try t get out and volunteer and engage your community - you can probably meet a healthy and fun dude this way too

 

[Bearlove]

Thank you! I needed this. Yes I attend a substance abuse service, have done since I self referred myself for help coming off of benzos. They said I had tapered down far too quickly and no wonder I had been feeling so low. I need to grow up, as does my partner. Early 20s are made for mistakes, but I am terrified of this being my life forever. I know I'm the only one which can change things though. I've got in contact with the abuse place, trying to get another script but for the time being cutting down on the amount I consume (alongside my partner). Who knows, I could come out of this a stronger person that could help other people with their own addiction problems in the future.

Your already a stronger person than you were 5 months ago - if you have grown this much when going through such hell, just imagine what you can do (for yourself) when your in a better / happier place. People make mistakes all the time - having the ability to see that it was a mistake is the important thing. Your already getting help, you know what needs to be done and you have the tools available to you (medical, counseling, treatment programmes etc) - make full use of them. Take it at a pace that suits you - makes you feel comfortable and confident that your ready for the next step etc.

Once you get your head sorted out, your substance use / taper under control you will feel so much better about yourself .

We have an opiate coping / medication thread in the European section that you may find an interesting read from people who may be able to give you some more information on support groups etc.

Take care and good luck
Bear

 

[Pagey]

Yeah, it is typical. No, I hate this shitty lifestyle more than anything. I said to myself I would only ever try heroin on my death bed or to kill myself, and that's what I attempted to do but caught in this relationship.. Ugh.. I will never forgive myself or be able to go back. Yet, it feels as even if I quit, I would never live a normal life or move on after this. I guess I should just muster up the balls and stick to my original plan. I should split up with my boyfriend to not hurt him as much. I had a life till June of last year, a job, friends and was studying at university. Now I'm fucking trash. I hate knowing what I have to do, but I guess I should just enjoy the bit of life I have left. I destroyed it as soon as I started all this bullshit, now to pick the right time to officially end it. Please, nobody else try this shit and get sucked in too. I don't want to kill myself but it feels like I have too, made too many mistakes and if I don't will just end up living like this forever. Bye bluelight.

Please don't be so hard on yourself kace, and don't do anything rash. I hope you come check in soon and let us know you're alright

Regarding your situation with your boyfriend, I have to agree with everyone else - it sounds like he can only really bring you down at the moment and that you need to be able to focus entirely on yourself without needing to worry about someone else's sanity at the moment. That may sound a bit harsh but if you put the energy he probably requires into helping him, you won't have enough left to help yourself, and in the end it'll benefit no one. You know nothing can be said to a drug addict until they decide to quit themselves. Please take care of yourself

 

[pofacedhoe]

opiates for me are a million times easier to withdraw from than benzo's

with opiates if you taper well enough its relatively easy if you have lots of weed.

this relationship is a mess

threats are a bad way to treat someone you love

i would leave this dude then taper the opiates very slowly. maybe switch from heroin to poppy pod tea and make a genuine effort to taper. i have tapered from pods lots of time and its very do-able.

as beachcat said at first you feel shit but in time you feel normal and it happens a lot quicker than with benzo's. cheese excercise and weed for opiate withdrawal and avoid alcohol cos sometimes it becomes an instant replacement

 

[axl blaze]

opiates for me are a million times easier to withdraw from than benzo's

with opiates if you taper well enough its relatively easy if you have lots of weed

as an aside, I think whichever drug being easier to w/d from is subjective from person to person. I have never experienced benzo w/d, but a good friend of mine said opiates were more difficult

but, concerning you - a couple things. I have been where you are before, convincing myself I'm absolute trash for some bad decisions on a however-long bender. let me just say that it is never too late clean yourself up - which is something that you need to do to achieve self-worth. have you thought about maintenance drugs?

also I'm reiterating what others have said about your toxic boyfriend. people will only get help when they decide for themselves. what is more important than you staying alive and well and being happy? nothing

 

[kace]

Thanks a lot for your responses guys- Pagey, gosh I remember a while back, you warned me of the addiction to opiates when coming off benzos. You were so right, I did exactly what you warned me not to!!

I really appreciate talking to people that understand this messy opiate world. I'm in a weird place at the moment. I'm trying really hard to get another script (I went through the long process but was an idiot, screwed it up before I even started by not taking the first script on time and getting it twin away). The substance abuse place really don't want to give me a second chance. It's really disheartening but I understand why. Ah, my head is a constant battle but I really want to quit heroin. I had a £1000!a couple weeks ago, but now it's gone... I have nothing left, so am trying to cold turkey it, but everyday my boyfriend comes over in the late evening when I'm sick and smokes me up. It's so hard to not resist it when going through withdrawals. Ugh.

I hear you guys, I should leave my boyfriend but I love him and wish we could get clean together. I really don't see him as a parasite, although he sort of introduced me to heroin and crack, he has supported me through my depression, suicidalness and benzo wds. If anything, I am the parasite. I want to change though.

Something my boyfriend said really struck a cord with me. He told me how people are calling him scum for being a junkie and introducing me to it when I was a depressed benzo wd mess. He also slipped out that if I was to die or leave, no girl would ever go out with him due to all the rumours. Ah.. He said it was said in spite to give me my own medicine for always going on about the shitness of the situation.. I'm scared to break up with him, I love him, but I don't know if I have the energy to motivate him to change things as well as myself.

I'm sorry this post is so scattered! Beachcat is right, my brain chemistry is fucked! I don't know what to do about that either... I've stopped taking my benzos and antidepressants everyday, and it's not good... I know it's pathetic, but I've gone back to hibernating and my anxiety and bad thoughts are stopping me from even going to the pharmacy, as I think I look like a druggie and everyone knows it... Thank you for the advice everyone, I'm just bout to check out 'Opiate and opioid withdrawal: Coping strategies and medication'. I need to change, if Im alive I might as well give things my best shot.m

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

as an aside, I think whichever drug being easier to w/d from is subjective from person to person. I have never experienced benzo w/d, but a good friend of mine said opiates were more difficult

\

Really depends what dose of whatever the drug is, (opiate or benzo, whatever) and how long you've been using it. For example, a 10 year 200 dollar a day H habit is going to be much worse than a 1 year 1mg a day alprazolam kick.

 

[Flow]

I really don't see him as a parasite, although he sort of introduced me to heroin and crack, he has supported me through my depression, suicidalness and benzo wds. If anything, I am the parasite. I want to change though.

1. Your boyfriend introduced you to heroin knowing you already had a drug problem
2. You said you want to get clean, yet he comes over and smokes you up, making it that much harder
3. He is manipulating you into staying in a broken relationship by threatening to harm himself if you leave

Misery loves company. Your boyfriend is emotionally abusing you by breaking down your confidence and convincing you that you're the parasite. Know your worth and respect yourself! He is absolutely terrified that you'll realize that you deserve so much better and leave him, so he will say just about anything to make you stay. I know it is so much easier said than done, but I do hope you leave him and get clean. To me it seems like this relationship creates more sadness and hurt than it does happiness. It sounds like you need to focus on you right now, and let him go if he won't accept your help. Best of luck to you x

 

[purplefirefly]

Yeah, it is typical. No, I hate this shitty lifestyle more than anything. I said to myself I would only ever try heroin on my death bed or to kill myself, and that's what I attempted to do but caught in this relationship.. Ugh.. I will never forgive myself or be able to go back. Yet, it feels as even if I quit, I would never live a normal life or move on after this. I guess I should just muster up the balls and stick to my original plan. I should split up with my boyfriend to not hurt him as much. I had a life till June of last year, a job, friends and was studying at university. Now I'm fucking trash. I hate knowing what I have to do, but I guess I should just enjoy the bit of life I have left. I destroyed it as soon as I started all this bullshit, now to pick the right time to officially end it. Please, nobody else try this shit and get sucked in too. I don't want to kill myself but it feels like I have too, made too many mistakes and if I don't will just end up living like this forever. Bye bluelight.

You don't know how you will feel once you're clean again until you're actually clean. Every action you take leaves you different than from before, it doesn't matter what the change is, good, bad, indifferent. You don't know if you don't try and you'll really never know if you give up before you try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Let's make no mistake about it, you are being abused by your boyfriend. He's mentally abusing you and you deserve better than that. If he truly loved and supported you getting yourself together then he wouldn't say such things to you or bring you down in any way. Misery likes company and this guy wants to keep you as miserable as him. He can't make excuses of why to keep using if you clean up and get in a better place.

It feels almost impossible but you can move forward and do better things with your life. You just have to want it badly enough and you have to be willing to make the effort. You can do this, you don't have to settle, don't let a miserable person hold you down.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Really depends what dose of whatever the drug is, (opiate or benzo, whatever) and how long you've been using it. For example, a 10 year 200 dollar a day H habit is going to be much worse than a 1 year 1mg a day alprazolam kick.

all i know is that opiate withdrawal is very unpleasant but benzo withdrawl had a huge burning brain sensation and incredible panic and i was on them for a lot less time than opiates and it was way harder to cut them out

i still indulge in opiates from time to time but i would never touch a benzo ever again. i'm mentally terrified but with opiates if i do them for a few days and then taper gently its not that bad at all.