• ✍️ WORDS ✍️

    Welcome Guest!

  • Words Moderators: Shambles

merry massacre

T

Tech as heck

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 21, 2002
Messages
170
Location
Colorado
I saw the sun rise and set today but somewhere in between I saw a sickness in the current season, an illness of mind and it spread like a plague of red and greed.
I found myself swallowed in this corporate consuming clone
in this very Christmas scene.
A battle field in the parking lot and sparks flying off the automatic doors
They were all sweeping through with their feet rarely touching the floors
In a flight of nervous tension. Searching for the biggest string of Christmas light extensions
Who raised you to believe that a competition needs to take place
Christmas isn’t the season of the nascar race
Each year we imitate the art of this holiday in a savage way
This is such a mess I cant digest
Pass the biscuits please and throw me a bone
These sugar plum ferries never looked so naked
Oh this inherently flawed holiday
Let us celebrate our home
Does your head feel better now that you can choose between 60 different styles of wrapping paper each with a font of a different color and shade?
Which would you prefer? Green or Jade ?
What ever happened to exchanging little things you made ?
Hand crafted from the heart
Instead of ripping fancy packages apart
So this year think about the gift of time
It might not be on your list
But it is certainly on mine
I just want to communicate with a warm language
and drink some wine
 
nice. like the roll of the language. think you have more in you though, in the way of keeping the lines from ending at their end. if that makes sense... keep the goods coming.
 
what do you mean by '' keeping the endings from ending where they end''
<<<<< confused .. but thanks for the comment
 
Maybe she meant more so to elaborate and run with the ideas rather than ending the thought at the end of the sentence.

Though i think personally you did that really well. *shrugs*

I really liked the definate cynisism in this piece, its written really really well, with meaning and yeah... id like to read more of your stuff! :)
 
well, in response...
i was meaning to end a line not with the end of a line...
ex:

when i was liying in bed i think i lost the feelings
i had reeling through the system
of distant melodies.
the hedonistic reveries kept synching up with these
possibilities.
and though i strived to help the system with their lives,
i kept getting a bounce-back message:
no reply.
the frequent perverse reverse-isms
completely reversed their colloquialisms
though i thought and i tried
to reliquish the lies
i ate all the hate that i simmered and fried.
fate took the lives of the cynical eyes
and bush and cheney blinded the i's
to rush and change the journalists' lines
that convinced the women and children
not to flee the boats.
just mop the linoleum floor in your gloat...


(just improv-ed)
that's just a little something that helps the flow around the lines while showing how rhyming the middle of the line with the end of the next line can help with the flow of the words. i think you did a great job of it, but i think that you have a lot of strength in you that you can still explore. it was meant more of an empowerment statement than as a hinderence. keep up the great words is all i'm saying.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top