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Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

I'm doing much better than I was around the middle of July. The absolute crisis point was 28th June. That was absolute crisis point. I didn't even know if I was going to make it. But the first couple of weeks of July were plagued by nothing else but horrible thought loops and insomnia so severe that I thought I was going insane.

Things are better, but I still have a fair way to go before I'm anything close to normal. I try to take things easy, going on long walks in the sun, and getting exercise.
 
Relapsed with the bulimia yesterday. my throath if completely fucked after purging 5 times. I did not even eat that much just could not stand the full feeling ugh. well once a month is better then every day so it's okay i guess.
im going home to my husband today. not really looking forward to it since we fight all the time nowadays but yeah.. i'll have to decide soon what to do with this relationship
 
Got into a huge fight with my parents via SMS yesterday. Not feeling good today. Felt suicidal last night after the fight. I messaged them about how I had escalated the complaint about the doctor, and they told me I was just carrying on and that they were going to block me so I told them to basically go fuck themselves and that they've just lost their son and that the medication that I had needed wouldn't have caused nearly the same level of mood swings as that stupid fucking dumb cunt bitch of a doctor. I told them to fuck off and that they did a permanent job. I don't want to have anything, absolutely, anything to do with them again,.
 
Dealing with relationships is very difficult especially when we ourselves aren't 100%. For me, music, walks, talking to supportive people,, listening to music, doing pushups and just fucking chilling can be cathartic. Hopefully yall have some sort of outlets. Things can get worse or better and aside from things out of our control, we can help it.

@Atelier3 - day 5 off meth?
 
I've been of meth for a couple months now.

It does get easier.

For me i substituted with weed which is my second DOC.

Do you have any support other than NA? How did you like NA?
 
madness00 said:
I've been of meth for a couple months now.

It does get easier.

For me i substituted with weed which is my second DOC.

Do you have any support other than NA? How did you like NA?
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I like NA a lot better than AA - which I attended years ago. The NA people are more tolerant of talking about mental health issues and about taking medication. The group i went to last nice only had 5 people but they were warm and welcoming and everyone gave me a bit of advice that I found useful in one way or another. If I had not gone I definitely would have scored and got high. Even as I pulled into the carpark I was still waiting for a text back from my connect from earlier in the day when my cravings were insane. luckily she never replied and the NA people all watched as I blocked her number later in the meeting! And not getting high for another day has meant I could work today: have written 1,000 (good) words when my target was only 400 so I'm feeling pretty positive. Still, I could have a delicious spike in my arm and a pussy on my face in less than 15 minutes if I let my attention and focus waver (so probably shouldn't be reading BL). My wallet still full of the money I took out to do it yesterday....
 
Man, wicked tempting, great coping.

I'm curious how you got your "moment of clarity" but its not really my business. Mine was as simple as lack of connection and after substituting for weed my cravings got away. I just remember the bad times. If i had women instead of my hand itd be harder so i respect what you're doing and we both keep it up.
 
madness00 said:
I'm curious how you got your "moment of clarity" but its not really my business.
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Man, it's been clear from the beginning that meth is fucking up my life. The things I put on hold to take it, the lies I tell people about what's going on, the impact it has on my work, the sheer cost of all that dope and the hookers. I mean, I love it so much but I love the other things in life it is inhibiting just that little bit more. It was not clarity I needed, it was a moment of willpower to just say no, not tonight. And when cravings are burning a hole through your soul that moment is damn hard to find.
 
Been up for 38 hours, done about 1.5g of shitty speed probably, plus 4mg clonazepam to level me out, plus some 4-FA when I ran out of speed which was maybe not the best time to truly appreciate a new drug... took some pregabalin again so as not to just keep taking more fucking benzos. I Honestly think I might do just a tiny bit more 4-FA before I go to bed, pointless as it is.

Oh shit I just realised this isn't the "How High Are You Thread?" :D How y'all doing. I guess I'll spin this same post into mental health. At the moment I feel pretty damn good because I've worked a shitload and have also taken all these drugs but I am getting very concerned about my frequency of benzo use and have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow. Probably pretty shite, I guess.

Much love to you all in working through your own shit if you'll excuse my clumsy phrasing, as someone once said it doesn't matter how long the road is as long as you do not stop... I used to think maybe Buddha said that but maybe I just made it up.
 
Feeling literally nothing right now. I want to cry but I can't feel any emotion whatsoever, as much as I try. It seems as though I am unable to experience even the wonderful release that crying brings. All it does now is turn me into a ghost of who I used to be. Almost like a dissociative feeling, there is no emotion at all, no nothing, just cold empty darkness.
 
Flynnal said:
... it's like I'm in a sensory deprivation tank emotion-wise where I can't feel a fucking thing,
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Taken from another post but I gotta say:
This is what I have been chasing for quite some time.
See... if ya remove emotion and *feelings from the equation we (or rather I) can focus on some real issues and come to some reasonable conclusion(s). I was in "special ed" classes because of emotional issues which led to some physical side-effects. The kid that didn't care about rules and always in a scuffle. Tacking off course.
Not trying to infer that we all alike; just saying that in the most dangerous *spots I have found myself, it is the aloof aspect of seeing things more clearly that literally save the day. Man, I love that "zone".
I have too much emotion and would like to lose some; ya got none and want some. Ain't this a bitch? Really?
Not sure how to get it back but while you are in the place you find yourself; why not try to use it or find a "good" aspect of not being emotion-full? Surely emotions will come back eventually and maybe we can all find a balance in this, too? Until then, work with what ya have and if it is too much, please see a doctor about this. I post from experience in my life: This may not translate well to anothers well being, OK?
Really, though... I want what you have and you want what I have: Wish we could trade off a bit. Not being funny, just got me thinking.
<3
 
Atelier3 said:
Should have gone to one tonight and kept the ball rolling but had to go to a big family party that was pretty triggery.
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I ended up quitting NA after a while but it was because I eventually gave up the morphine on my own...the early 2000s were tough for me...but those parties, especially if there is anyone there with gear, the first thought that comes to mind is that you'd want to take something, anything, just to feel better, just to get relief from the misery. I went to dozens of parties in 2005, and wow, they were hard, especially when I saw oxys and dexies being handed out like lollies. I had to say no and it was so painful. But the cost also deterred me, I remember one lousy codeine pill was offered for like $10. I was like...um, no thanks.

I had to give up alcohol too, recently, because of acid reflux, so one of my long time "friends" had to take a hiatus until the symptoms improve, then I can "meet" again, hopefully with a better outcome.

I still feel bad about flushing those barbs, they would have made for countless pleasant nights, but I guess I had more important priorities.
 
I feel fragile, sensitive, got at.

Searching for mdma assisted psychotherapy is taking its toll on my sanity. I know it will be worth it, but the pain and heartache.

The lockdown im convinced caused ptsd from thinking about what went wrong just before. I have frequent temptation to get high on things like tramadol, however I won't as I'm on mirtazepine, and want to get clean of this before therapy.
 
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