Aight y'all. So been on some SSRIs recently which seem to be doing exactly diddly squat. Arguably, could be related to my insistence to augment them with an array of other inadvisable drugs. Now riding a mild clonazepam habit, I hesitate to say "dependence" because it's still early days but I am going to have to taper or maybe I'll just jump off, have a shitload of gabapentin on hand for that. Have basically taken 4mg/day nope that's a lie 6mg/day alternating days for the last 4 days with just gabapentin in between. Currently it's a 4mg day and I plan to keep it that way. Actually this time round I'm not liking clonazepam nearly as much as my first go round six months back where the highly selective anxiolysis compared to sedation was something I really liked about it, would much prefer etizolam or diazepam to ride out my rapid taper this time, and should have some soon, but not currently.
I would just jump to the gabapentin right away if it wasn't for some god damn fucking work stress that is always the fucking reason I end up mentally spiralling and eventually turn to something druglike to cope with the anxiety. I'm pretty confident my "Generalised" anxiety diagnosis, in actuality could be put down quite easily to a "Specifically Situational" anxiety related to my current on paper quite easy but in reality because of various factors too laborious to go into work situation, which my brain is basically primed to react with severe irrational dread to by now.
I need to be at least somewhat functional, intermittently highly functional on occasion, for almost exactly 1 more month if I'm gonna orchestrate this shit for maximum benefit and minimum required damage control, and on that note I'm considering just getting some high grade racemic amphetamine again, it wasn't sustainable for me last time but, it doesn't need to be, I've learned some lessons about myself since then and the glacial pace of orchestrating a legitimate prescription for something is too long for me to wait. So, my own doctor I'll be for just a little longer while massively playing down that aspect of my life to the real doctors, psychiatrists and therapists I might happen to speak to in the interim, so as not to bias things against myself due to institutionalised bias against self medicators - oh I'm sorry, I mean dirty substance abusing drug addicts.
Yeah... I think that's where I'm at and I feel alright about this plan, although maybe that's the benzoid-disinhibition. I'll take that self confidence though, artificially induced or not.
A disadvantage of sporadic drug usage that I've noticed since getting almost entirely clean and then indulging in a brief period of benzodiazepine use again is that while I was in the low-tolerance honeymoon of etizolam use, after a long period of abstinence, I got back into the online dating scene and have been messaging all these women trying to set up some dates. But now I'm a bit deeper in and therefore no longer quite so completely if artificially self-assured, I'm concerned that I'm actually gonna be a bit unstable for a short period while I get myself back on the straight and narrow... so am gonna have to try to postpone these pending dates while I rapid taper and washout while also keeping these girls interested. I don't really wanna meet anyone while basically high and risk underdosing, and being all anxious, or overdoing it slightly and being way too manic. I'm sure I've done both things historically before I recognised the value in knowing how your mind functions while on a solid sober baseline, mind.
Anyway... hope everyone is doing as well as you are able in this moment in your lives, in this fragment of eternity. As ever - I wish you all happiness. May you all be well.
