psychedelicsoul
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2015
- Messages
- 726
Why did you deserve to die?
Because you had same-sex tendencies?
Does everyone with same-sex tendencies, then, deserve to die?
(This is a perfect example of you implying hate on others.)
Because I felt that way... I don't need a reason. For some reason, I just hated myself. It wasn't about religion honestly. I never gave a shit about following the bible. So it coudln't have been that. But when I started getting into spice and psychedelics it all made sense to me. My bisexuality was the source of my stress, anger, and misery. I felt kinda like I did after the end of a serious amanita muscaria trip... like how it feels to be transgendered.
I felt like I was the wrong person. Like what I was feelings, thinking, and doing wasn't consistent with who I am. (granted, it's not like gender dysphoria, since that's connected to ones body... It's more like a dyphoria of thoughts... As if my thoughts just didn't match myself)
Whenever I'd have a gay thought, it felt like I was literally a different person. As in... I felt like my personality changed, my thought patterns changed, I felt like my thoughts weren't even my own... I'd also imagine macarbe images and think about rape, slavery, cannibalism... And then I came...
As soon as I was done jacking off, it resulted in an emotional 180%... my stomach would ache, I was depressed... I'm not capable of crying unless I'm drunk, so I had no choice but to just sit there... When you don't' cry the sadness is less intense, but lasts much longer.
And, you don't sound you like you know God.
Not at all... I'm in the process of understanding the will God may have put inside me, as well as understanding my own soul, but I believe no man can know God. However, some classmates of mind claim to have been healed from their issues. And some of them were actually gay, not just kinda gay. I believe them because afterwards they seemed happier.
Just like with me... I will always suffer from depression and shame. Even if I am straight, I still remember that I felt bisexual at one time. I am not capable of forgiving myself... That's why I wanna share my experiances so much. Because maybe if other people understand me, then I can finally forgive myself.
But you didn't know me back then... I'm messed up now, but back then I was 20x more messed up. I literally almost had an anxiety attack back then from the stress and had to go to the hospital for this shit. I stole hundreds of dollars to spend on spice, and would regularly overdose. And the heart palpitations and light headedness I'd feel from time to time weren't only from the drugs.