Hi guys I've been struggling lately first a little background info about me I'm a 33 yr old male who has always been an athlete I put myself through college playing football until I blew my knee out I've had 3 knee reconstructions! since then I've fought mma, been a competitive bodybuilder/strongman/power lifter, etc ! Here's the kicker, I'm also a drug addict and a very spiritual person at the same time! I believe religion is for people who are scared of going to hell, spirituality is for people who have already been there. I truly believe in my heart that Jesus died for my sins and was resurrected. I preach this to people everywhere I go while also including my testimony. There is sooooo much to more story so; short version, I obviously have a lot of chronic pain for which I take subtext. I also have adhd and take addeall. I have a counseling degree and used to work as a counselor for abused children. After work one day, a man tried to rob me with a tire tool. He swung it at me, I ducked and punched him one time in the face. This blow resulted in reconstructive surgery for him and a felony malicious wounding charge for me! Since there is no self-defense law in the commonwealth of va I did 3 yrs in prison. While incarcerated, I told myself God put me there to protect the weak. In the process of doing this i pissed some evil, powerful ppl off. As a result, I was gang-raped by 6 guys to "put me in my place." This has lead to extreme nightmares and anxiety for which I'm given Xanax. The meds help but, by taking them am I really doing God's will and glorifying Him while trying to lead a somewhat normal life; or am I being a hypocrite and feeding my addiction. I'm struggling so very much with this!!! I have a beautiful wife and 1-yr old daughter whom I would lay down and die for. I want the best for my family, I want a relationship with God for us all. I want to be the husband and father I'm called (by God) to be!! Any opinions are greatly appreciated. God bless