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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)
- Thread starter HarrytheHead
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hello all, im on 14 months now and its not so bad. I did however quit my job 2 months ago, i needed some real rest just to clear my mind and calm down i guess, i was going to quit anyway, the main issue at the time for me was my anxiety which affected my perception of how ppl viewed me after this debacle. I kinda changed overnight and i wasnt really reacting the same way to things. I remember the trauma of not sleeping for 2 weeks and going to work. But i tried really hard for a whole year after this bitch, it was pretty embarassing but mostly in my head, my colleagues definitely knew sthing was up and i needed to get up and outta there, that was where most of my stress was through the day, at work, even though it kept me busy, i needed to break that cycle of regressive thinking where id constantly go like "holy fck im not designing the same way,im not putting things together the same way" everytime i was stuck somewhere, another really critical thing for me was that i couldnt feel music the same way (youve been bringing this up quite a bit pmz), there are obviously a lot of things at play here but i feel that once the music shows up like it used to, im definitely good to go, ive been using ganja and drinking beer occasionally, depending on your use it seems to help, i smoke tobacco too which has increased exponentially since, this really has to stop though and im trying, ive been eating well and sleeping well albeit on the wrong side of the day these days but fck it, exercise on and off not too much.
Im not really into mdma and it was a long time since i did any, 12 yrs ago, im 35 now. So yeah, we scored some acid and mdma for a festival . My usage was less than a gram over a month and a half and rolling consecutive nights just once. But those nights were fairly big doses i remember like 250mg both nights, the rest was just mild dabs on weekends. i did drop acid too over that time. But it was pretty clear that mdma was what did me in.
the thing is im bipolar, and i was always riding a fine line, ie anxiety,debauchery, and just general stupidity sometimes, BUT, i was where i wanted to be with work( im an architect with a masters degree designing/running multiple projects at an advanced level), with the few friends i have, with my health(even though i use ive been through enough to understand not to abuse, i smoke a little bud and drink some beer and ease myself into bed for a good day, for me it was way better than meds which i was on for a while and stopped completely), everything was fckn great, until.
so, my only issues these days are
-recalling words, i tend to be repetitive, which is a bitch, as if im playing safe all the time and not able to break through what i want to say
-mild anhedonia
-head heating up trying to put complex thoughts together
-mild anxiety which ive always had which my brain is amplifying unnecessarily
-mild memory/cognition problems which im working on, it isnt really a problem but ive got to focus more
-mild speech problems, like words are not coming out as fluently as it did, its uncomfortable but yeah
i know im not helping much with my continued use of herbs/beer but then again i dont know, i do know that i feel a whole lot better now, im slowly getting prepared for work again, but i have to approach it differently ie stimes i used to smoke up before work, put on some grindcore and just have a blast, hehe, i miss that, but ill be there soon.
i know my post is fragmented but im sure you get it, id love to talk to members on here cos maybe we could get to the bottom of certain thought patterns better, i didnt go the CBT/meds way, although i did try meds (sertraline,clonazepam as i was freaking out)for the first 3 months of this bitch. didnt help. i remember frothing at the mouth rummaging these forums for an answer. Another thing i clearly remember setting me back was using xanax, the withdrawal after 2 weeks was horrible, but thats just me.
this isnt a recovery story but a rediscovery story, best to all, you guys will be back to no good in time.
Im not really into mdma and it was a long time since i did any, 12 yrs ago, im 35 now. So yeah, we scored some acid and mdma for a festival . My usage was less than a gram over a month and a half and rolling consecutive nights just once. But those nights were fairly big doses i remember like 250mg both nights, the rest was just mild dabs on weekends. i did drop acid too over that time. But it was pretty clear that mdma was what did me in.
the thing is im bipolar, and i was always riding a fine line, ie anxiety,debauchery, and just general stupidity sometimes, BUT, i was where i wanted to be with work( im an architect with a masters degree designing/running multiple projects at an advanced level), with the few friends i have, with my health(even though i use ive been through enough to understand not to abuse, i smoke a little bud and drink some beer and ease myself into bed for a good day, for me it was way better than meds which i was on for a while and stopped completely), everything was fckn great, until.
so, my only issues these days are
-recalling words, i tend to be repetitive, which is a bitch, as if im playing safe all the time and not able to break through what i want to say
-mild anhedonia
-head heating up trying to put complex thoughts together
-mild anxiety which ive always had which my brain is amplifying unnecessarily
-mild memory/cognition problems which im working on, it isnt really a problem but ive got to focus more
-mild speech problems, like words are not coming out as fluently as it did, its uncomfortable but yeah
i know im not helping much with my continued use of herbs/beer but then again i dont know, i do know that i feel a whole lot better now, im slowly getting prepared for work again, but i have to approach it differently ie stimes i used to smoke up before work, put on some grindcore and just have a blast, hehe, i miss that, but ill be there soon.
i know my post is fragmented but im sure you get it, id love to talk to members on here cos maybe we could get to the bottom of certain thought patterns better, i didnt go the CBT/meds way, although i did try meds (sertraline,clonazepam as i was freaking out)for the first 3 months of this bitch. didnt help. i remember frothing at the mouth rummaging these forums for an answer. Another thing i clearly remember setting me back was using xanax, the withdrawal after 2 weeks was horrible, but thats just me.
this isnt a recovery story but a rediscovery story, best to all, you guys will be back to no good in time.
pmz
Bluelighter
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- May 11, 2013
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Why would i be doing H. Of course dope means good lol
ScaredFirstTimer
Bluelighter
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- Dec 15, 2013
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That's good to hear pmz. Could you explain further about your sleep and cognitive abilities? A few weeks ago you said that you felt empowered because you felt as if your cognition had mostly returned. Does this still fluctuate, or has it returned permanently now? Also, is your sleep fluctuating or permanently good/shitty?
ScaredFirstTimer
Bluelighter
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What's up with the negativity man? We appreciate any and all reports by people with issues like this. This thread was derailed from containing only success stories from day 1. Now it's a place for us to discuss these problems so that we don't create tons of new threads for every question. It's okay to shit your pants by reading posts like that, but it's not okay to bash him for trying to contribute.
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ro4eva
Bluelighter
It's no problem - I'm dealing with some other medical issues unrelated to MDMA use.
I've been better, but then again, I've been a lot worse - particularly after "the really bad roll" when I began to experience some very debilitating symptoms.
Unfortunately not 100%.
In terms of any adverse effects due to the bad pill, I would say I'm around ~95% recovered.
Bad enough that I was placed on suicide watch in the local psych ward for a week at one point. And bad enough that the thought of suicide dominated my thoughts for several months.
Worse still was the fact that, when I was experiencing all this, I tried to reach out to others, including Bluelight. However, at the time, I was unable to find anyone who had experienced what I was going through.
It was the summer of 2005 when I got really sick from this bad ecstasy tablet, and back then, Ecstasy Discussion on Bluelight.nu (as it was called at the time) was quite different in that there wasn't a multi-page thread about MDMA Abuse Recovery. This was the hardest thing for me to accept - that no one whatsoever could relate to what I was going through; that every doctor I went to said there's nothing wrong with me (their diagnosis were based on guesses rather than objective medical evidence (x-rays, CT scans, MRI, etc.); that many people close to me thought I was malingering. It is what made me convinced that my prognosis was hopeless, and I should just kill myself. But I digress....
My symptoms (those which I can clearly remember) consisted of the following:
- brain fog
- uncomfortable awareness of heartbeat
- depersonalization
- de-realization
- feeling of heaviness when standing
- sudden numbness and tingling (limbs)
- dizziness
- difficulty concentrating
- fatigue
- headache
- dream-like state
- vivid dreams
- depression
- anxiety
- panic attacks
- paranoia
- insomnia
- shortness of breath
- sudden chills
- mood swings
- suicidal ideation
- tinnitus
- digestion issues (irritable bowel, colitis)
Out of the 20 or so doctors whom I went to seeking medical attention, I was (incorrectly) diagnosed with the following:
- psychosis
- gastric ulcer
- concussion
- heart burn
- hypothyroidism
- hyperthyroidism
- manic depression
- bipolar disorder
- tooth abcess
- malingering
Re. the "malingering" diagnosis - One doctor totally lost it with me and began screaming at the top of his lungs in front of the other staff and patients present that I was "faking it," and that I was "abusing the system," followed by him demanding for me to "get the fuck out" of there - no joke. Apparently he was fired later that day for his actions, and his license to practice was suspended indefinitely. Never seen him since.
My family doctor at the time was the first one to correctly diagnose me with anything: panic disorder. By the time the diagnosis was made (mid October 2005), over 4 months had passed, with no improvement of my symptoms, and I had already attempted suicide once. Glad I was stopped and locked up. Soon after my panic disorder diagnosis was when I began to experience relief of certain symptoms.
It took about 19 months for me to get back to - what I would consider - feeling like my old self.
Out of about 20 symptoms, 1 still remains, and that would be an uncomfortable awareness of my heartbeat. The good news is, as the years have passed, the symptom presents itself only on rare occassions now. Whereas, at first, I'd experience this issue on a daily basis, I now only tend to feel it about once a week - and it goes away by itself after 10-20 minutes.
So, in January 2007, I was able to start working again full time. And I was so happy. I felt like so grateful to be alive, and to feel well again.
For the record, I blame myself for getting sick, as for years I was extremely reckless with street drugs, and especially ecstasy. Not that I'm proud of it, but I've swallowed well over 1000 pills - all without testing them, and, I used to roll every weekend (sometimes 2 or 3 days in a row). So yeah, I was literally asking for this to happen. Stupid me!
P.S. - In July 2007, while attending a rave with some old friends, I rolled again (after testing the pill) for the first time since the bad pill which made me sick as a dog. For a time, I was terrified that I had undone 2 years of difficult rehabilitation. As the days passed however, I felt fine. And thank God that I still do.
P.P.S. - Nowadays, I only roll a - at most - 4-5 times a year. And I only buy pure MDMA and MDA shards. And I test them thoroughly before using any. I never buy anymore ecstasy pills, unless they are imported from The Netherlands (and I test them also). I'm a huge advocate of ecstasy testing kits. 50 bucks/euros/quid could be the difference between life and death. There will always be another party, but YOLO.
P.P.P.S. - I hope you are feeling better. Hang in there bro.
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ro4eva
Bluelighter
Because to some people (depending on tolerance, purity, and route of administration) it feels like a 4-6 hr orgasm.
Either way, whether you use smack or not, I respect your decision, I would never judge you for it, and I don't think any less of you. And frankly, it's none of my business. So I apologize if I came across as nosy.
I was just trying to explain that - from my experience using dope/smack/H (Taliban heroin) - it tends to make faster music sound rather dull. Same goes for other opioids, especially methadone.
pmz
Bluelighter
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I feel like the heart thibg is goibg away as you learn to stop putting so much attention on it.
But when you had your shit going on. Were you feelibg numb to enotions. The best way to describe how u feel is being worn out from lack of emotional energy.
Did you also experiance a numb respinse to music? In assuming its no longer a issue if you have. The low emotional energy is the hard part for me.
I uave fatigue but not nearly anything to complain about. My sleep is pretty fine actually and my concentration is 1000% better. Even my nemory and speech articulation is better.
I still feel a bit brain fogish but i really think thats frim the fatigue or low emotional energy
pmz
Bluelighter
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Ive found a very diligent meditation practice has helped me the most so far. Meditate twice a day. Once when i wake up and when i go to sleep. At least 10 min a time. Im slowly ramping it up to a goal of 45 min twice a day. I have friends who can sit for over an hour. So thats my real real goal
Hey rphilli chill out man. No need to sound so angry/negative. I know how it feels your only a couple months in. Go take some deep breaths and try to accept it and be positive. You'll be alright.
I'm having a bit of a rough patch myself I'm approaching month 7. I was doing pretty well then the anxiety kicked up a notch we'll see how it goes.
I'm having a bit of a rough patch myself I'm approaching month 7. I was doing pretty well then the anxiety kicked up a notch we'll see how it goes.
im not fckd up or anything, im doing good, ive been trying to process these experiences in good cheer, i got tired of questioning everything, most ppl on here with long term issues understand this, youll start to focus on better things, and in time youll notice that everything is like it should be, no reason to fret
Glad to hear your doing a bit better man. If you ever wanna chat feel free to PM me.
In some ways I have improved greatly but in some I've gotten worse it's definitely frustrating. In the beginning caffeine would fuck me up big time and I would have really bad DR for the week after. The other week I had a redbull with no issues. I ended up drinking coffee everyday the next week without any serious issues. I stopped the caffeine anyway because the less drugs interacting in my system the better. My sexual issues are also 90% gone. But mentally sometimes I'm a mess of racing thoughts, my heart hammers sometimes . It's weird because at month 3 mentally I was great and sleeping well but I couldn't get hard for shit and a cup of tea would give me severe DR.
Idk I hope it'll sort itself out.
also do you guys see these supplements hurting recovery in any way? I started taking my health seriously and I saw these recommended from some blog.
A multi vitamin, Fish oil, Magnesium and Probiotic.
Nothing there can fuck with any of my neurotransmitters right? The anxiety's kinda making me paranoid about putting things into my body.
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ro4eva
Bluelighter
I've been thinking about that as well - for years now actually. And you may be correct.
What I do know for certain is that the mind is such a powerful thing that it can literally destroy a person from the inside-out.
Once I began to accept the fact that I had some serious mental issues, it became a lot easier to justify trying new Rx meds and different types of alternative medicine.
Yes I was feeling very apathetic. And whenever I would get emotional, it would be in the form of a short, but very intense crying spell - mostly due to my growing frustration regarding a lack of improvement of my symptoms, the lack of progress regarding medical tests (all came back negative), and also, feelings of hopelessness due to the fact that I wasn't able to find anyone who had gone through what I was going through. I did have countless people telling me that I need to go see a doctor, and that I should ask for "this" and "that" test to be done, but that was about it.
I think it's important to re-emphasize that this all happened to me nearly 9 years ago - June 7th, 2005 @ around 14:45 (2:45pm) Eastern Time.
Soon afterwards, out of desperation, I began to create threads on different forums, including Bluelight.
Unfortunately, the thread on Bluelight is now gone.
However, after almost 9 years, the hair on the back of my neck stood up after a Google search turned up the following forum thread I created in July 2005 about my bad roll: http://www.healthboards.com/boards/...rders/300380-what-kind-attack-did-i-have.html
Edit - I did not tell them that about 45 minutes prior to having the "attack," I had swallowed a blue ecstasy pill. This was because on other forums where I did mention using ecstasy, the thread quickly turned into a "let's-bash-on-the-drug-addict" contest. Also of note - upon reading what I did write back in '05, I did a rather poor job describing my symptoms, and left out some important points (on top of the fact that I had used ecstasy).
I can't believe it still exists after all this time. And I wish it hadn't been locked, so that I could have gone back and told them after all this time how I'm feeling.
It's actually quite emotional reading that post for the first time in so many years, as I remember how hopeless I felt back then. I was convinced that my life was over. Convinced that I would never feel anywhere close to "normal" again.
Absolutely - for about 2 years after getting sick, any music whatsoever sounded awful. It was a very quiet time in my life (in that respect at least).
Forgive me if I missed one of your other posts, but have you been diagnosed with any mental illnesses? And, are you on any psychiatric prescription medication?
I'm receiving mixed signals from you. What I mean is, it sounds like you're feeling overly apathetic. But is that due to the bad roll, or a pre-existing condition, or Rx meds? Or is it a combination?
By the way, it was apathy which caused me to not be able to enjoy music, or laugh during a comedy movie, or even be scared by some horror flick.
Do you know of anything which helps your brain fog and fatigue go away temporarily?
In my case, brain fog was one of the worst symptoms I had to deal with constantly. After much trial and error with dozens of different Rx drugs, I found that two of them (Xanax and Wellbutrin XL - especially as a combination) temporarily made my brain fog, dizziness, depersonalization, fatigue, vivid dreams, apathy, concentration problems, and other (but not all) symptoms nearly non-existent. A little over a year later, I was well enough to return to full time work.
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I wasn't angry or "shitting my pants." The tone was just a little offensive to me at the time and I'm obviously stressed. I don't think it's a big deal either way. Moving on....
I'm actually feeling pretty good most of the time. It's just the triggers for anxiety can be anything and happen in an instant. I guess the way to describe it is I feel really fragile. Like if I am in complete control of my environment, I feel pretty damn good for the most part.
I was shopping and doing just fine and then while checking out feelings of dread and panic just overcame me and I almost had to walk out and I got extremely thirsty. Certainly bad anxiety, but also a sign of low seratonin, which is what I think we all suffer from to be honest from damage to those systems in our brains.
I have some nootropics coming on Monday along with a great source of nutrition that I've taken in the past. It's called Green's First. It's a nutritional powder with great stuff in it and it tastes really good, surprisingly. It's better than any daily vitamin by far. I recommend it in advance. The nootropics - I'll let you know if it makes a difference. It has many brain nutrients in it.
Anyone think that 5-HTP helped them at all?
I'm actually feeling pretty good most of the time. It's just the triggers for anxiety can be anything and happen in an instant. I guess the way to describe it is I feel really fragile. Like if I am in complete control of my environment, I feel pretty damn good for the most part.
I was shopping and doing just fine and then while checking out feelings of dread and panic just overcame me and I almost had to walk out and I got extremely thirsty. Certainly bad anxiety, but also a sign of low seratonin, which is what I think we all suffer from to be honest from damage to those systems in our brains.
I have some nootropics coming on Monday along with a great source of nutrition that I've taken in the past. It's called Green's First. It's a nutritional powder with great stuff in it and it tastes really good, surprisingly. It's better than any daily vitamin by far. I recommend it in advance. The nootropics - I'll let you know if it makes a difference. It has many brain nutrients in it.
Anyone think that 5-HTP helped them at all?
I second what ro4eva said about Xanax. Not only did it keep me out of the hospital in the beginning, every time I take it now my symptoms almost completely disappear for a couple of days. I ran into a girl I know maybe a couple of weeks ago now and it was a day I decided I needed a break and I took a Xanax. She kept gushing about how healthy and good I looked. I kept thinking - "if you only knew the truth." But, it's true, I'm doing so many healthy things now and certainly resting enough that when my symptoms clear, I do feel better in a lot of ways. The problem is getting that to be my permanent state of being. As of now, I feel somewhat disabled.
Is anyone actually working while going through this?
Is anyone actually working while going through this?
ScaredFirstTimer
Bluelighter
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5-HTP is for pre-loading, or for just after rolling, for a couple of days. Taking a neurotransmitter precursor like 5-HTP alone will most likely lead to an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the long run, and that can itself lead to depression and other issues.
When months has passed the problem probably isn't lowered levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin, rather a serotonin system that is damaged in some way.
You could try taking 5-HTP for a few days and see what happens. I tried taking it a couple of times, and it resulted in an acute worsening of all my symptoms each time I tried. Plenty of others have had the same experience. If you are gonna try taking it, do not take it for a long period of time.
When months has passed the problem probably isn't lowered levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin, rather a serotonin system that is damaged in some way.
You could try taking 5-HTP for a few days and see what happens. I tried taking it a couple of times, and it resulted in an acute worsening of all my symptoms each time I tried. Plenty of others have had the same experience. If you are gonna try taking it, do not take it for a long period of time.
So what happens with the serotonin system in such a long-term comedown?
I have a couple of questions for the veterans if they had experienced these symptoms and how they dealt with them:
- My days are pretty much: intense shitty morning, weird afternoon, relatively calm evening, before bed feeling worse
- I apparently react really strongly to blood sugar drops. So after a couple of hours of eating if I don't eat anything I start to get anxiety in waves ( I heard serotonin also regulates this and low levels of serotonin can give a hypoglycemia effect ). Also I get panicky/depressed before bedtime (apparently serotonin production stops and melatonin starts) and wake up a few times in the night feeling panicky (apparently also common with hypoglycemia).
- Throughout the day I have weird cycles of emotions and physical symptoms. Like feeling really bloated (constipation) or intense DP/DR or feeling really anxious or really depressed and hopeless to the point of crying
- Time has gone by way too fast and I have trouble believing I'm already 1,5 month in this comedown already
- Sometimes I have waves of just feeling really 'weird', there's no other way to describe it, just a really intense feeling of wow this is so weird
- Hyperacusis, like sound just irks you
Have any of you guys experienced these?
Also have any of you guys checked for thyroid-problems? I'm not sure but sometimes I have a drop or rise of body temperature during the day and I think I might have some sort of thyroid problem (I'm going to the doctor this friday)
I have a couple of questions for the veterans if they had experienced these symptoms and how they dealt with them:
- My days are pretty much: intense shitty morning, weird afternoon, relatively calm evening, before bed feeling worse
- I apparently react really strongly to blood sugar drops. So after a couple of hours of eating if I don't eat anything I start to get anxiety in waves ( I heard serotonin also regulates this and low levels of serotonin can give a hypoglycemia effect ). Also I get panicky/depressed before bedtime (apparently serotonin production stops and melatonin starts) and wake up a few times in the night feeling panicky (apparently also common with hypoglycemia).
- Throughout the day I have weird cycles of emotions and physical symptoms. Like feeling really bloated (constipation) or intense DP/DR or feeling really anxious or really depressed and hopeless to the point of crying
- Time has gone by way too fast and I have trouble believing I'm already 1,5 month in this comedown already
- Sometimes I have waves of just feeling really 'weird', there's no other way to describe it, just a really intense feeling of wow this is so weird
- Hyperacusis, like sound just irks you
Have any of you guys experienced these?
Also have any of you guys checked for thyroid-problems? I'm not sure but sometimes I have a drop or rise of body temperature during the day and I think I might have some sort of thyroid problem (I'm going to the doctor this friday)
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