I don't know how to explain this but like I'm hypersensitive to sound
that is a sign that your nervous system is in overload. I've been learning about anxiety disorders and how they overload the nervous system, and also how to calm the nervous system through meditation, and one of the most basic things ive learned is that when my body is high on adrenaline and my nervous system is overloaded, sounds are amplified and my startle response is heightened ( scared easily/spooked easily).
one of the most startling things I realized about this state of nervous system overload is that it doesn't have any defining features of panic. There is no blaring red signals about lion, tiger, bear. It's very subtle.
anyways, I realized that deep belly breathing was able to restore my nervous system funtioning to some degree, and the more I was belly breathing, the less I noticed being hypersensetive to sound and also how much I startled from sounds.
This is my theory: (take it with a pinch of salt, I study biomedical science at uni and have looked into this topic BUT I am by no means an expert on any of this)
-Cant find the source but I've read before that a small proportion of the population have a reduced rate of metabolising and reuptaking MDMA in the synapses due to having a different gene for serotonin reuptake channels or monoamine oxidases- this leads to some people being predisposed to a "LTC". Either that or they have previous underlying mental health issues
-MDMA sticks around longer than it should
-Natural response of the brain is to downregulate serotonin receptors
-Leads to uneasy feeling, unable to feel "good" feelings (I had severe anhedonia from the get go)
-Overthinking leads to first panic attack
-Panic attacks lead to very very high activity in the brain, may rewire cognitive circuits and reinforce the negative feelings
-This is the whole concept of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) but reversed
-(The main thing that helped me in my recovery was CBT which anecdotally supports this perhaps)
Hence:
-Out of whack serotonin system
-Other neurotransmitters may go haywire
-Over activity of dopamine pathway leads to the jerks we experience
I'd love for someone to critique this thought process and add their own thoughts; I don't think I've ever actually posted my thoughts like this before
my number one issue is the entire process comes from a desire to think, and because over-thinking is both a symptom of anxiety, and can lead to anxiety, most of the time my general response is to not indulge in thinking and excessive thinking.
the reason I might indulge is because I realize "surrender now" is not always the most effective strategy, although in the long run it is the best one.
I guess I cant even indulge really haha. My first thought is "well I don't really care what the line of logic or reasoning is anymore. I found myself in this shit hole and I had (and still have) no way to think the situation into getting better. action is the only way, disciplined, dedicated action, done consistently. that is the way.
if anything I have learned how to stop thinking, at least when it doesn't benefit me. I have learned how to think when it does benefit me of course.
I guess that is one of the meta lessons of this experience. "what works, what doesn't work". We are asked to discard what doesnt work, and if we dont discard it we are doomed to carry it around FOR A LOT MORE TIME. and eugh, what a good opportunity to be rid of shit that doesnt work, even if it came at a high price of intense suffering and anxiety.
the experience strips us of so much and we are forced to find what really works and what has just been lip service all along.
also feel like mentioning I may be drunk rn. Listen to the drunk holy man, he says wise things sometimes.
don't wanna bring any negativity, but quick question... Any one of you who had bad memory issues, but now fine?