MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

[lionheart90]

@zeroluck

I think its more likely that people just fail to recognize LTC anxiety as anxiety.

normal anxiety feels like worry. LTC anxiety feels like being dead sure of something. Like how many people are constantly saying "I dont have anxiety, I'm dead sure I have brain damage"??? exactly. tons of them are!

"It's possible you have been dealing with anxiety of a different form and failed to recognize it as anxiety."

clip from my first post.

"Also there's a possibility you have an anxiety, but can't recognize it. You don't have negative thoughts half of the time?"

clip from your #541 post.

hmm seems eerily similar.

 

[ZeroLuck]

Let's say that it's "just" anxiety. Why MDMA caused anxiety? There should be physiological changes in the brain for this thing to occur and persist for years. Now with this obvious fact, let's ask... "What those changes are?" And do they cause only anxiety while the rest is indirect form? I doubt it. I know so many people with anxiety, I know what anxiety before LTC, it never gave me brainfog as this one. The other thing is why I still have horrible brain fog when I have zero anxiety?

 

[Needhelp123]

Let's say that it's "just" anxiety. Why MDMA caused anxiety? There should be physiological changes in the brain for this thing to occur and persist for years. Now with this obvious fact, let's ask... "What those changes are?" And do they cause only anxiety while the rest is indirect form? I doubt it. I know so many people with anxiety, I know what anxiety before LTC, it never gave me brainfog as this one. The other thing is why I still have horrible brain fog when I have zero anxiety?

totally agree it’s not anexity. I’ve had crazy situations in my life that causes crazy horrible anexity, and it never fucked my vision up, I’m sorry. It just doesn’t do that. I know how my body reacts to extreme anexity and it’s never done anything like this. And for 9 months without even a minute of relief? That’s not how anexity works. I would have had at least a few minute window of clarity. Btw I don’t think about Ltc all the time and even when I’m completely distracted my vision is the same. Even when I’m on holiday for two weeks and forget about Ltc, my vision is the same. My head pressure is the same.

 

[sick_guy]

Same here. I'm really tired of listening to how all of this what I'm going through is just anxiety. Yes, I had some psychological problems even before LTC, but it wasn't anywhere close to what I experience now. I have almost constant nausea and head sensations, quite strong. They don't let me forget about LTC even for a second. Literally, since LTC started, I didn't feel normal for a single second. And it's not like I'm depressed and anxious all the time, I can laugh and make jokes with my colleagues, people in my office don't even suspect that something going wrong with me (despite the fact that I gained 15 kg of weight, and I'm just fat now, and I used to be quite athletic, despite my performance at work is greatly reduced, that I work significantly less (I have flexible working hours), and few other signs). I can pretend that everything is just ok. And even if I'm kinda relaxed and truly amused, symptoms don't go away. And they prevent me from doing anything above socially accepted day-to-day functioning because I just want to be distracted from these symptoms all the time. Because of that, I got addicted to PC games and internet, really hard. When I'm distracted, symptoms don't disappear, but I just don't pay attention that much to them and time goes on faster. My life since LTC is totally meaningless, and I just try to survive another day. I'm in the point when I don't want to live (not because I'm super depressed, but because life is very unpleasant, meaningless and tiring now) but in the same time, I don't want to die (yet). Maybe a few more years of total shittiness will change that.

 

[Needhelp123]

Same here. I'm really tired of listening to how all of this what I'm going through is just anxiety. Yes, I had some psychological problems even before LTC, but it wasn't anywhere close to what I experience now. I have almost constant nausea and head sensations, quite strong. They don't let me forget about LTC even for a second. Literally, since LTC started, I didn't feel normal for a single second. And it's not like I'm depressed and anxious all the time, I can laugh and make jokes with my colleagues, people in my office don't even suspect that something going wrong with me (despite the fact that I gained 15 kg of weight, and I'm just fat now, and I used to be quite athletic, despite my performance at work is greatly reduced, that I work significantly less (I have flexible working hours), and few other signs). I can pretend that everything is just ok. And even if I'm kinda relaxed and truly amused, symptoms don't go away. And they prevent me from doing anything above socially accepted day-to-day functioning because I just want to be distracted from these symptoms all the time. Because of that, I got addicted to PC games and internet, really hard. When I'm distracted, symptoms don't disappear, but I just don't pay attention that much to them and time goes on faster. My life since LTC is totally meaningless, and I just try to survive another day. I'm in the point when I don't want to live (not because I'm super depressed, but because life is very unpleasant, meaningless and tiring now) but in the same time, I don't want to die (yet). Maybe a few more years of total shittiness will change that.

same boat - which symptom is the worst for you? Also in one of your older posts you mention a 90-95 percent recovery, that means it’s not permanent brain damage. I have never felt that. If you recovered before I’m sure you can recover again.

 

[Obese Ballerina]

@zeroluck

I think its more likely that people just fail to recognize LTC anxiety as anxiety.

normal anxiety feels like worry. LTC anxiety feels like being dead sure of something. Like how many people are constantly saying "I dont have anxiety, I'm dead sure I have brain damage"??? exactly. tons of them are!

I disagree. I know exactly what anxiety is. I have a very expensive vintage car that gives me the worst anxiety when I'm driving it. That stops the second its parked safely in a garage.

The permanent brain fog and head pressure on the the other hand is real. Do I get negative thoughts when I'm using 20-30% of my brain? I sure do. Do I wonder if this is permanent damage 860 days on from my initial symptoms? Of course I do. Especially when 3 neurologist and 3 ENTs can't work it out.

 

[sick_guy]

@Needhelp123 that was period when I still was trying to stay optimistic, I felt kinda better, but not that much. I have periods when I feel a little better, but thats all. After more than 1,5 year into LTC i can say that there is no progress for me overall.

 

[ZeroLuck]

I disagree. I know exactly what anxiety is. I have a very expensive vintage car that gives me the worst anxiety when I'm driving it. That stops the second its parked safely in a garage.

The permanent brain fog and head pressure on the the other hand is real. Do I get negative thoughts when I'm using 20-30% of my brain? I sure do. Do I wonder if this is permanent damage 860 days on from my initial symptoms? Of course I do. Especially when 3 neurologist and 3 ENTs can't work it out.

What I can share for last is what people who "recovered" claim helped.

Hormone therapy
SSRI's (sometimes multiple while nailed it)
Very healthy lifestyle both mentally and physically.

Other than that I can't recall anything really helping that much! Consider modafinil with your drs, it can really give you a good chance to regain your cognition. Also can you make this tests and share the results? https://www.humanbenchmark.com

 

[Needhelp123]

@Needhelp123 that was period when I still was trying to stay optimistic, I felt kinda better, but not that much. I have periods when I feel a little better, but thats all. After more than 1,5 year into LTC i can say that there is no progress for me overall.

Gotcha so you weren’t really 95 percent just optimistic that you would be 95% someday. Have you tried any water fasting or keto diet? Did you eat super well? Good diet could take a long time to kick in and see results

 

[Brucey85]

Definitely ltc as many of my symptoms started 4 to 6 weeks after. Mainly the visual stuff. I have anxiety but my physical symptoms aren't due to anxiety I think they're simply due to a shitty toxic posionous drug that just fucks things up. The reason there aren't many recovery stories is people accept their fate and just get bored of forums like this I guess. I'm 15 months with zero improvement so I've basically admitted defeat and accepted this is me now, more than likely forever, that's why I haven't been on here in months, like others after a period of suffering you get to the point where it's just normal every day and that's that. Stories above, 11 years, 3 years etc back that up. We're all fucked unless you're one of the lucky ones. If you aren't then what choice have you got apart from just keep going and try your best to stop thinking about it. None of us realised how potentially dangerous this drug was, who would've thought 2 or 3 little happy tablets could basically ruin your life.

 

[ZeroLuck]

That's super depressing man, @Brucey85, basically what is your mental state? How the LTC affects you mentally?

 

[Obese Ballerina]

What I can share for last is what people who "recovered" claim helped.

Hormone therapy
SSRI's (sometimes multiple while nailed it)
Very healthy lifestyle both mentally and physically.

Other than that I can't recall anything really helping that much! Consider modafinil with your drs, it can really give you a good chance to regain your cognition. Also can you make this tests and share the results? https://www.humanbenchmark.com

Thanks man, Ill do that. Which SSRIs have come up here? I know all sertraline did was stop me sleeping and made my cock permanently limp. Could also head my serotonin receptors firing away when I was on it.

 

[RiversUK]

Can I just say that I did improve dramatically over the years and in general my life has been normal and quite often a lot of fun.

I do however suffer with health anxiety and I regret reading more into the neurotoxicity of MDMA.

I was blissfully unaware until recently about the potential to permanently damage serotonin receptors. BUT life goes on.

My main worry is any negative health implications down the line. Does anyone know if we are now more likely to suffer neuro degenerative illnesses? I know depletion of dopamine is parkinsons essentially, but what about serotonin?

Basically I could live my whole life just fine as I am. I just need to shake off this fear. ?

Thanks guys

Marc

 

[Needhelp123]

Can I just say that I did improve dramatically over the years and in general my life has been normal and quite often a lot of fun.

I do however suffer with health anxiety and I regret reading more into the neurotoxicity of MDMA.

I was blissfully unaware until recently about the potential to permanently damage serotonin receptors. BUT life goes on.

My main worry is any negative health implications down the line. Does anyone know if we are now more likely to suffer neuro degenerative illnesses? I know depletion of dopamine is parkinsons essentially, but what about serotonin?

Basically I could live my whole life just fine as I am. I just need to shake off this fear. 樂

Thanks guys

Marc

Hey Marc - would you mind sharing your symtoms, which have improved and the timeline aurrounding your improvement? I think we could all use a little encouragement. Thanks a ton.

 

[RiversUK]

My symptoms were brain fog which lifted 90% I'd say. There's still something I can't put my finger on not quite right.

I had panic attacks a lot back then, and my anxiety really was extreme. I turned to alcohol which really, really helped. With alcohol I would experience my old self, no anxiety, and often what seemed like improved cognition.

Looking back as a child I always had TERRIBLE concentration, and what always a dreamer. I was also prone to anxiety, so I do wonder if most of what I experience is just down to me naturally being prone to these feelings.

I still get floaters, but then almost everyone seems to anyway...

Muscle twitches are pretty bad for me. I've had them the whole time really so I try not to worry about them..

If I can get a hold on my anxiety I genuinely believe I'll be pretty much totally normal

 

[Needhelp123]

My symptoms were brain fog which lifted 90% I'd say. There's still something I can't put my finger on not quite right.

I had panic attacks a lot back then, and my anxiety really was extreme. I turned to alcohol which really, really helped. With alcohol I would experience my old self, no anxiety, and often what seemed like improved cognition.

Looking back as a child I always had TERRIBLE concentration, and what always a dreamer. I was also prone to anxiety, so I do wonder if most of what I experience is just down to me naturally being prone to these feelings.

I still get floaters, but then almost everyone seems to anyway...

Muscle twitches are pretty bad for me. I've had them the whole time really so I try not to worry about them..

If I can get a hold on my anxiety I genuinely believe I'll be pretty much totally normal

thats Great! Fingers crossed for ya. I have musscle twitches as well but only as I fall asleep

 

[Mikypanza]

yoo guys

 

[Mikypanza]

Hey guys, i just want to share my stories and beliefs about this matter. But lets start from the beggining.

On my birthday exactly 1 year ago i took waaay to many pills. Started of with 1 yellow punisher and after 2 days it ended with 3-4 (maby more, cant really remember) ala 200-300mg and alot of coke/alcohol. I had a fantastic time and shared a good time on my birthday with my closest friends and we all was tripping balls. Of course i didnt read up on Ectasy as i always had a high tolerance for drugs and i just thought this was just like any drugs i've tried before and it will take a few days hangover and then become normal again.

On day one after this irresponsible behaviour i woke up with sleeping paralysis and had the worst anxiety i ever had in my life. Brain zapps came daily and all this continued for 1 weak. But in this nightmare state i just told myself that this was just temporary and it would go away, and it did.But it was not just all. My memory was of, my sight was blurry and the vivd nightmares came after and alot of anxiety.
I thought to myself, have i damaged my brain ? What is wrong with me?
I decided to let myself recover and if i just stayed clean from all drugs for a while, everything would be back to normal, but no. After a month i was really beginning to panic about my situation and started to do some google research like we all did here. But not a smart idea, my anxiety just got worst from all the negativity reading on this and several other forums and i stressed the fuck out about the situation and started to get some really bad stress related headeches i never had experienced to.
See, before this i was a calm, well spoken person with good self esteem who thought i had a iron mind, almost a little narcissistic tendencies, so i just though wtf am i going to do. Can't live with this! Depression came like a mail on delivery with these thoughts ofc and i was fucking bad.
But then.I started to break down my thinking habits and didnt concentrated on my physical problems and came to a conclusion that i had a anxiety/depression state after almost 3 months after now and thought to myself, how do i fix this first, the psychological part of this state.

I remember my brother i had lived with had severe depression and anxiety, we are like night and day. I had never had a problem with this, but he have had all his young life ,but he cured it. What im going to say is maby a bit controversy but at this point i was willing to try almost everything.He had a trip with Cubensis mushrooms with his friends and me one time, and i remember after this trip he came to me the next day running up to me and said he was a new person. He didnt had any anxiety that day, nore he felt the depression and it all turn around for him. He started to go to the gym, got a girlfriend and started a job.It was like night and day, from one day to another he was fucking cured, couldnt believe it!?
For me the trip was just a big laugh fest, but something else for him. He could feel real happieness for the first time since forever he said.

Soo, i talked to him and it all just feelt like just what i needed, point on.
I bought my shrooms, made shure i had some xanax just in case of a bad trip and took 0.5grams of Cubensis, very small dose and dropped them in my tea (Drink it like a tea makes it more potent, dont know why really). Waited 10 minutes and drank that.
I was nervous because i wasnt in a good state at the moment and was just hoping it wouldnt get worse then it was, if it even was possible. I read ofc some about set and settings and made sure i was alone and not with people who could distract me, and wow!
It kicked in and i was just sitting at my computer smiling, closed my eyes and meditated for a few mins, and then decided to walk to my window to look at the sky. I remember thinking, "wow the world is beautiful", and started to laugh, sing and dance haha. Like im not that kind of person to do that randomly.Because i drank it as tea the trip was really intense for 0.5 grams but after and hour or 2 i was coming down, and i have something to say guys. I felt rejuvenated. But not yet i thought. I waited a few days to make sure and guys. My anxiety was gone, depression non existing and sharp in my mind again, it really worked out for me.

Since then i have microdosed cubensis and i feel i got my life back. Im clean from all drugs and continuing strong, so to my conclusion. An LTC is just a depression and GAD (general anxiety disorder) we got from an traumatic experiance in our life. Hey some of us maby even got a PTSD, but dont be afraid to ask for help and the mushrooms worked for me, and i really hope that it will help for some of you aswell.

Dont isolate yourself, dont push people you care about away just because you think that this chemical made you sick, do the oposite. Tell them about your condition and let them in so you can grow to the person you once was. Talk to a doctor and even start with some SSRI if you dont dare to take the shroom way, which i can understand why. It wont hurt you and the biggest part is to get out of the negative thinking spiral that depression creates.

I hope this was somehow inspiring and maby could help some of you to try turn all the negative to something positive instead.Just pm me if you need some advice or something wasnt clear enough and i will try to help as good as i can.And sorry for my grammar or spelling since i dont have english as my first language.// MikyPanza

 

[ZeroLuck]

Thank you Mikypanza! Been trying LSD for this reason, but didn't workout for me, maybe good for the depression. Do you think shrooms will have different effect?

 

[G_Chem]

^^^Good diet and exercise take a VERY long time for results but once you get them they stick around. Pharmaceuticals will bandage the problem in a few hours/days but may only be covering up a festering wound only to be rediscovered later once the bandage is removed.

Then once your committed to such a healthy lifestyle there is no going back, whether you have LTC or not.. I don?t have LTC but I can?t so much as eat a bite of a McDonalds burger or a sip of cheap beer without getting deathly ill. This coming from someone that used to live off the dollar menu. Your body adapts to the new level of normal and won?t accepr anything less.

I?d say for most of you, this is a moment where you have to make some tough decisions and truly ask yourself how badly do you want it. I completely understand just how hard it is to push yourself through, but look at this as do or die.

The longer you wait to make the changes the harder it will be and may eventually become impossible.

With all that said, remember people that everyone is constantly feeling as if there trying to keep up with everyone else around us. If you feel your brain is at 20-30% capacity, well then welcome to the minds of the other 90% of the population. We are all overworked, underpaid, consuming any stimulant we can just to make it to clocking out.. We are all fed this version of reality that isn?t true, and we aren?t meant to work like we are.. I?m fucking tired and brain dead but only because life is a constant shit storm that we just accept because no one has the balls to step up and rock the boat. Rant end..

I?ve known a few individuals who?ve healed themselves 100% with a healthy lifestyle, magnesium threonate and fish oil. They recovered fairly quickly. They also all had extremely positive attitudes and determination to get better.

-GC