MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 4)

[Cotcha Yankinov]

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All the things Cotcha mentioned like PTSD for example have a direct external event that caused it. I don't think this can really be compared to it. Yes, people who don't take drugs get anxiety/depression but there is often some external stressor which precipitated it.

Just to clarify - my focus is not on the external environment and what external events can lead to someone being in a catatonic state from a traumatic event but rather just solely the internal state of the brain. A drug like MDMA effects neurophysiology and a traumatic event effects neurophysiology too - if we may find similarities between the two resulting states whilist knowing that one state isn't resulting from brain cell injury and is perfectly probable to recover from, it is good news in my opinion.

Even IF there is injury to neurons lying at the root cause of some LTCs, treating the resulting symptoms (anxiety, depression, memory/cognitive issues, DR/DP) will speed along recovery, and therein should lie the focus of someone in the midst of an LTC.

The case of the man who took 40,000 pills is definitely an exception to say the least lol. I don't know if his situation applies to people suffering from LTCs after a couple of pills (just don't want anyone to get discouraged).

 

[Londonscouser]

In no way does that particular situation apply to anybody on these forums.

In fact, even if people on this forum experienced any neurotoxicity, the brain would generally compensate for damage, and the affected individual would most likely feel normal within 4-5 years. Thus neurotoxicity has no significant impact on the individual...

There are a select few that seem to have permanent alterations, for example I remember there was a person on this forum who has unfortunately suffered from some serious MDMA-induced alterations. I think his name was Nambo. He complained of being emotionless, feeling empty, cognitively impaired ect. There are others like him on different forums, however some of these people reported going back to normal within a DAY of using a particular substance. I have read of two different people in a similar situation with similar symptoms as Nambo, and they had been suffering from MDMA 'damage' for 3 years, than they tried NSI-189 and they were back to normal the next day. Clearly that shows something in the brain needed to be kick-started...

I am somebody who has suffered from permanent alterations/damage from a drug (not MDMA), and in my personal opinion, the only people that should be worried are those that took MDMA frequently...Daily or weekly for extended periods. Even though I know I am permanently changed from my drug-use, in 5 years time it may hold no significance

 

[nightElf]

I thought I'd check back in, because it's been almost 2 years since my LTC started.

I can honestly say that I'm 95% recovered. My symthoms were: mild depression, anxiety, low libido, unable to sleep, brain zaps and involuntary movements. All that remains now (after 2 years) are very, VERY spaced involuntary movements, almost unnoticeable, and they seem to be fading away in time as well. I'm not under any medication now, and I only took Clonazepan (drops) to manage anxiety and be able to sleep. Beeing able to sleep fine is like a gift.

I was able to consume MDMA again (tested), in the expected doses, and respecting the times (1 month minimun between doses, 2/3 months most of the time) after 1 year. I also consumed LSD without issues (1/4, tested).

This process tought me a lot, and I've learned to respect the drug a lot. I did not lose the magic.

Time heals everything! Hang tight, it does get better

 

[fnono33]

I thought I'd check back in, because it's been almost 2 years since my LTC started.

I can honestly say that I'm 95% recovered. My symthoms were: mild depression, anxiety, low libido, unable to sleep, brain zaps and involuntary movements. All that remains now (after 2 years) are very, VERY spaced involuntary movements, almost unnoticeable, and they seem to be fading away in time as well. I'm not under any medication now, and I only took Clonazepan (drops) to manage anxiety and be able to sleep. Beeing able to sleep fine is like a gift.

I was able to consume MDMA again (tested), in the expected doses, and respecting the times (1 month minimun between doses, 2/3 months most of the time) after 1 year. I also consumed LSD without issues (1/4, tested).

This process tought me a lot, and I've learned to respect the drug a lot. I did not lose the magic.

Time heals everything! Hang tight, it does get better

Awesome!!

 

[Go Easy]

I thought I'd check back in, because it's been almost 2 years since my LTC started.

I can honestly say that I'm 95% recovered. My symthoms were: mild depression, anxiety, low libido, unable to sleep, brain zaps and involuntary movements. All that remains now (after 2 years) are very, VERY spaced involuntary movements, almost unnoticeable, and they seem to be fading away in time as well. I'm not under any medication now, and I only took Clonazepan (drops) to manage anxiety and be able to sleep. Beeing able to sleep fine is like a gift.

I was able to consume MDMA again (tested), in the expected doses, and respecting the times (1 month minimun between doses, 2/3 months most of the time) after 1 year. I also consumed LSD without issues (1/4, tested).

This process tought me a lot, and I've learned to respect the drug a lot. I did not lose the magic.

Time heals everything! Hang tight, it does get better

Great stuff nightelf - really good to see those who have recovered come back and show that there's light at the end of the tunnel!

 

[no_id]

there is no page in this sub without at least 5 post speaking about problem after MDMA. This is why I don't take this drug (or 1 - 2 time a year).

 

[mf140]

Hi everyone,

Would just like to tell my own story and also hopefully get rid of people's fear of "brain damage" (for the vast majority of people, except those who SERIOUSLY abused, it is JUST stress/anxiety) and give courage to those who are going through similar. I would say that I was a recreational user of MDMA. Probably 15 or so times in three years up until the end of April 2016 - when I went to hospitality in Brixton and had 2 maybe 3 of bombs (I'd say no more than 0.3 in total).

In the preceding three months to that night, I was under a lot of stress at work (HO position at a large corporate) and post a lot of personal issues in 2015 that caused me a lot of stress too. Every weekend for me was a chance to let off steam from the week and they would range from just a boozy night out, to coke or mdma (but never mixing).

Cue middle of May, probably two and a bit weeks after my last time on MDMA, I had taking up spinning, circuits and was on a very strict "beach body" diet. I went out for dinner and I just had the classic first signs of anxiety, slight dp and not feeling myself. Over the next few weeks, I had almost daily panic attacks (think propping myself up against the cubicle wall in the toilet at work style) and the scariest was after a spinning class when I swore I was going to have a heart attack. Exercise is good for you, right? Looking back now it's pretty clear that too much of anything puts the body under a huge amount of stress and intensive exercise after a few months of intoxicated weekends was not very wise.

To make matters worse, I also started a new job at another large corporate at the start of June. Cue not being able to stand up out of bed for a few days without feeling like I was going to topple over. Anything that got my heart rate up would send me into panic mode and until the end of July, I would describe my walking as feeling like I was sort of floating, my vision wasn't what it should be and don't get me started on my concentration - I was so indifferent about everything I just didn't care.

The panic attacks started to decrease in severity and they had stopped at the end of July, although by this point the depression had started to sink in (I think this is mainly the combination of high stress and being so fed up with the situation). I even started to get my life back, albeit having to force myself to do things (it didn't come naturally) : I was spinning again, going out with my friends and decided to go to V festival.

What a mistake that was. Two days of drinking culminated in me asking my friend for a dab of their coke to pick me up (I was feeling pretty tired, but I'm literally talking a finger tips worth). Triggered a humongous panic attack, a spike in my anxiety symptoms, and a break down in front of my dad the following Friday.

All of this is STRESS from the expectation I put on myself never to touch drugs again. I know I am not back to square one, but I feel as if I have set myself back. It is so easy to ask myself what if I hadn't done this or that. The truth is what has happened has happened and you have to find a way to fight against your brain saying you don't want to go for a walk, or you fancy tucking into a doughnut (the sugar cravings when you're stressed, oh boy!).

I want my diet to be as healthy as possible and I've signed up to soulmate food (it's expensive, but they cook you healthy meals, gluten free if you wish) and set a reminder on my phone to do at least 30 mins of exercise a day (even just a walk).

I know one day I will wake up after a good night's sleep (it's been three and a bit months since I've had one of those!) and feel like my old self again and they anxiety and depression will have fucked off. It will just take time. I know it's frustrating, everyday I go to bed wondering if tomorrow will be the day, but please remind yourself that you'll be a better person once you get through this.

And if it helps, I like to ask myself what would I be doing now if I wasn't going through this? Probably spending my weekends doing the exact same things as before and it would only be a matter of time before this all surfaced, and it would be 10x worse.

 

[fnono33]

Ultimate sadness. Since consuming coffee about three weeks ago I have been f'd. I drank too much of it. For two weeks my symptoms got progressively worse and then they peaked. Severe depression started where I didn't have it before. My body calmed down a bit after the peak and now my body is 'locked' in a severe depression. My head feels like a brick. There is no movement as there was before indicating that things were happening. Nothing is happening. All symptoms worse, HPPD more severe. Neuropathy in my right harm and hand. Symptoms are 24/7 and worse today because I googled stuff. I am in the camp of the damaged. I did everything wrong when I initially took the MDMA. It feels the way Nambo describes. I was at about 70 percent before coffee consumption.

My hope is that the depression is causing this and might be alleviated by an ssri. Can depression begin because of chronic seratonin depletion? I worked hard for two months and made serious progress. I dont know what else to do but write this. Sorry for the amount of posts. I am in so much despair. I have no feeling or emotion other than depression. When I look at my parents I don't feel love just a human being.

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

Serotonin depletion definitely isn't the issue, but chronic sleep deprivation and chronic stress can definitely cause depression.

If you're really sleep deprived, I would think about a med for sleep and see how much that improves the depression. Klonopin is one option and could help smooth things out other than sleep too. Mirtazapine is a good antidepressant for sleep.

 

[ADubbs]

I'm so sorry Fnono, don't be ashamed to try a med if you feel completely hopeless. If your not having zaps I imagine that's a good sign that your serotonin system is working relatively normal. My doctor said you can take Remeron until the cows come home and if I was on it for life she wouldn't think twice...that gave me some comfort even though the Internet has horror stories.

 

[mf140]

Ultimate sadness. Since consuming coffee about three weeks ago I have been f'd. I drank too much of it. For two weeks my symptoms got progressively worse and then they peaked. Severe depression started where I didn't have it before. My body calmed down a bit after the peak and now my body is 'locked' in a severe depression. My head feels like a brick. There is no movement as there was before indicating that things were happening. Nothing is happening. All symptoms worse, HPPD more severe. Neuropathy in my right harm and hand. Symptoms are 24/7 and worse today because I googled stuff. I am in the camp of the damaged. I did everything wrong when I initially took the MDMA. It feels the way Nambo describes. I was at about 70 percent before coffee consumption.

My hope is that the depression is causing this and might be alleviated by an ssri. Can depression begin because of chronic seratonin depletion? I worked hard for two months and made serious progress. I dont know what else to do but write this. Sorry for the amount of posts. I am in so much despair. I have no feeling or emotion other than depression. When I look at my parents I don't feel love just a human being.

The anxiety came first, right? Same with me. I felt nothing, but extreme anxiety for 6 weeks and then the depression set in. As soon as I started living my life again things got better until the set back (a tiny dab of coke). My symptoms, like you, have peaked again. Has a tiny dab of coke fucked up my neuro pathways? It's just me stressing/freaking out because I think I've set myself back.

Like other posters have said, a lot of stress and poor sleep over a considerable period of time can/will cause depression. Once you get used to the stress and tackle the anxiety the depression will lift.

 

[fnono33]

Yeah, exactly. Anxiety for two months and change. Then coffee and then two days later the depression really set in. Chronic sleep deprivation could be a big part of the problem. And the coffee pushed the whole thing over the edge. Yeah, no brain zaps and cognitively I don't think I lost ground. But the new symptoms and more severe insomnia is tough. Also my head isn't moving the way it used to. There's no fluctuations, it's just a brick all day. Just so f'ing stupid to drink coffee like that.

 

[mf140]

Yeah, exactly. Anxiety for two months and change. Then coffee and then two days later the depression really set in. Chronic sleep deprivation could be a big part of the problem. And the coffee pushed the whole thing over the edge. Yeah, no brain zaps and cognitively I don't think I lost ground. But the new symptoms and more severe insomnia is tough. Also my head isn't moving the way it used to. There's no fluctuations, it's just a brick all day. Just so f'ing stupid to drink coffee like that.

Our bodies are under a lot of stress and as such it only takes a little bit of extra stress and it sets off spikes of adrenaline and cortisol again.

I'm learning the hard way, but the only way I'm going to get better is reduce as much stress as possible and let my body get to some sort of equilibrium. I no longer drink, have caffeine and keep sugar intake to an absolute minimum.

And get on the herbal teas. They make me feel less depressed.

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

Check those teas for caffeine fnono

Our mental states have some momentum to them. A drug that is harmless but can cause normally temporary insomnia and anxiety like caffeine can lead to more sustained than usual symptoms, it can take some time to reset. But the momentum works both ways. Once you start feeling better and sleeping better that has a lot of momentum to it too.

 

[ADubbs]

Our bodies are under a lot of stress and as such it only takes a little bit of extra stress and it sets off spikes of adrenaline and cortisol again.

I'm learning the hard way, but the only way I'm going to get better is reduce as much stress as possible and let my body get to some sort of equilibrium. I no longer drink, have caffeine and keep sugar intake to an absolute minimum.

And get on the herbal teas. They make me feel less depressed.

any suggestions on herbal teas? I'm thinking of trying kava kava to boot the remeron? Too many horror stories online about it. Taking a serotonin drug seems like a bad idea. Further down regulates receptors?

 

[mf140]

any suggestions on herbal teas? I'm thinking of trying kava kava to boot the remeron? Too many horror stories online about it. Taking a serotonin drug seems like a bad idea. Further down regulates receptors?

I really like peppermint. Drink it all day at work and my boss likes it, gives me an excuse to get away from my desk and get some fresh air for 5 minutes.

And I drink camomile tea in the evenings at home.

 

[fnono33]

Right now I'm at the cross roads where I know the doctors are suggesting SSRI. Feels like russian roulette at this point.

 

[mf140]

My GP has suggested the same thing. I've tried sleeping pills for 3 days (I honestly felt like I'd lost the plot the day after these. Thought I was seeing stuff) mirtazapine (didn't help me sleep and gave me a brain zap the next day in Sainsbury's) , and an Antihistamine (this knocked me out like a light, but I was a zombie until 6pm the next day.

So for me ssri will be an absolute LAST resort. I feel tense and low mood a lot, but I'm going down the natural root for the considerable future.

How are you feeling?

 

[fnono33]

I'm actually not doing that bad right now, knock on wood. Still feel that locked in feeling but its way less intense. It really helps doing things in life and not being on your own. I went to the doctor today and also made an appointment with a neurologist and that made me feel a bit better. I'm going to take some cognitive tests, maybe that will show something. How nice it would be for a doctor to tell me what's wrong. So frustrating that they know nothing about this stuff.

 

[ADubbs]

My GP has suggested the same thing. I've tried sleeping pills for 3 days (I honestly felt like I'd lost the plot the day after these. Thought I was seeing stuff) mirtazapine (didn't help me sleep and gave me a brain zap the next day in Sainsbury's) , and an Antihistamine (this knocked me out like a light, but I was a zombie until 6pm the next day.

So for me ssri will be an absolute LAST resort. I feel tense and low mood a lot, but I'm going down the natural root for the considerable future.

How are you feeling?

I agree that remeron seems safer than an SSRI, for me it had helped with zaps. I didn't have any for a few weeks, even after quitting it for 4 days. Now it's been a couple a nights with them back, a couple a night, jarring my whole body. Sucks.

The other thing I was thinking about was this: for people suffering from SSRI withdrawal symptoms (which seem very similar to MDMA "damage"), they usually go back on the SSRI and then try and taper even slower. Wonder if the same theory could apply for people like us (going on an SSRI, not mdma of course lol). I still of course wish I had gone the natural route longer than I did, a maybe I'd be in a better place.