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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 4)
- Thread starter BlueBull
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Yes, I had that from about the 3rd until the 12th month of LTC, just felt absolutely dead inside. Things got way better after starting with a SSRI treatment. Now I use high dosed curcumin instead of SSRI's, it doesn't work as effective but still fine for me.
I even was able to go to a party yesterday and I really enjoyed it, haven't been out spontaneous for over a year now
Yes, I had that from about the 3rd until the 12th month of LTC, just felt absolutely dead inside. Things got way better after starting with a SSRI treatment. Now I use high dosed curcumin instead of SSRI's, it doesn't work as effective but still fine for me.
I even was able to go to a party yesterday and I really enjoyed it, haven't been out spontaneous for over a year now
Did you have dp/dr as well? How did you come out of it? I heard SSRIs rarely (if ever) help with that. Did you also feel like time had stopped and you were living in an eternal moment of emptiness/void and that you had no "self?"
Not permanently, in stress situation I sometimes totally spaced out, couldn't speak a sense making sentence for hours, lost my orientation sense, short term memory was absent and so on. I felt like a marionette and just hoped someone would even beat me up so I have to defend myself and wake from this state.
The dominating feeling was just complete emptiness, not like in a let's say "normal" depression where you feel better when someone cares for you, it was nothing at all. I had suicide thoughts 24/7 because I just thought what difference would it make, I'm already dead inside. I wouldn't even be a bit nervous if I had done it…
So if this answers your question, yes, there was no me as a person anymore.
Because of that I said I rather feel like this my entire life or try SSRI. The first 3 days were really unpleasant, I felt like on drugs and totally spaced out, but after those 3 days the first positive effects came out. I slowly began to get feelings again over the following weeks. It wasn't as easy because all of the surpressed emotions over the months now came out, so I was permanently acting really annoying and impulsive. But I think this is more psychological, just like you need to experience how other people react to you again.
After 5 weeks I quitted the SSRI's and was stable enough to continue with curcumin. I also took a small dose of Ibogaine after that, which caused an extreme aggressive episode for a few hours. I think this was the urge inside of me that I need to do something to get better again, because it felt just like a primitive instinctive feeling, like the need to survive.
Now I feel more stable, in this impulsive time I had I also found a social surrounding which I didn't have or didn't notice before.
It's still not everything ok but there is a world between today and a few months ago.
Sorry for keeping it so long, I had to express this somewhere.
Thanks for sharing, Amml. Did the SSRI give you your ego/inner monologue back? Do you feel connected to people now? Did you feel disconnected to them before? Because with ego death/dp/dr I feel extremely disconnected - like I can't relate to their emotions, etc. - it feels like I'm watching a picture with no meaning - no emotional reaction to it.
The answers are all yes. I still have a problem with aggressions and narcissm but this is a personal problem and not LTC related. So I think for the depressive LTC type person SSRI's can work wonders. I know how you feel now and when you are better you will just look back and be happy that you are able to feel again.
Just for protocol, I tried the same SSRI (Sertraline) a few months ago and it had only minimal effect. So I think time also plays a big role.
Have you already tried a SSRI or St. John's wort?
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I'm currently on Remeron for about a week. I don't think it's going to help though, I mean how can it help for dp/dr and get my ego/self back? This isn't normal "depression," this is more of a loss of/dissociated state of self/no-self. My psychiatrist thinks I should keep trying meds though, but I wish I knew that there's a chance they may help for this state of being/non-being.
Remeron is not a specific SSRI, you should really try a real SSRI before. I couldn't believe it too but after the 3rd day of treatment I went hiking and could enjoy the nature again and was just happy, that was the point where I realized it got better. 3 days is short anyway
Cotcha Yankinov
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Remeron typically doesn't begin to have many serotonergic effects until about 45mg anywho, at 15mg it's mostly an antihistamine.
Yeah there's not much AD effects at lower doses, 15 is minimum effective dose.
My sleep has been on the last few nights.... But I still don't feel right.... Weird shakiness and energy feeling running through body.... Similar to the way the way I felt for a few days before my LTC came into full effect....Cotcha didn't you say for LTC didn't appear until a few weeks after?
My sleep has been on the last few nights.... But I still don't feel right.... Weird shakiness and energy feeling running through body.... Similar to the way the way I felt for a few days before my LTC came into full effect....Cotcha didn't you say for LTC didn't appear until a few weeks after?
LTCsufferer
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Hey guys its been about two moths since I started feeling my old self. I still get symptoms now and then but its rare. Im considering smoking weed, but I want to get some input on this. Has anyone who recoverd had a set back from smoking weed? I ued to get paranoid a lot even before this happend. But I'm with good people that I trust. And I'm not planning on smoking alot. Thoughts?
Cotcha Yankinov
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Probably about a week after a bad roll I still hadn't slept and that's when things turned most sour, with cumulative sleep deprivation things got worse so it wasn't really like a "right off the bat" thing with me I guess...
Cotcha Yankinov
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I would really, really pass. The risk is too great. Give yourself some more time to solidify.
I personally find weed to be a great anxiolytic although perhaps I've just been one of the lucky ones in that regard. A couple of glasses of red wine and some weed really mellows me out and gives me some respite during this LTC without any repercussions. Had moments where I've had a little too much and get edgy for 10 mins or so, but nothing long lasting.
My problem now that I'm getting better and better is that I'm becoming extremely reckless again. Just last weekend went to a party and had a small line of coke: cue a few days of panic / insomnia and heightened anxiety which I'm dealing with now. I'm sure it'll pass in a few days, just like it did last time (that's right - twice. I'm a fucking idiot), but I really do need a slap in the face from someone.
Thanks Cotcha, appreciate the response.
LTC sufferer I would definitely stay away from weed Man. Just to let you know I had an MDMA OD and felt awful and didn't sleep for a week. By the end of that week I was feeling good had a few beers and felt fine...But 3 weeks later I smoked a lot of pot...And it FUCKED me, and it's been terrible since. I'm almost 6 months in and haven't touched anything since....Stay away until you've been better for a long time...It's not worth the potential downside.
LTC sufferer I would definitely stay away from weed Man. Just to let you know I had an MDMA OD and felt awful and didn't sleep for a week. By the end of that week I was feeling good had a few beers and felt fine...But 3 weeks later I smoked a lot of pot...And it FUCKED me, and it's been terrible since. I'm almost 6 months in and haven't touched anything since....Stay away until you've been better for a long time...It's not worth the potential downside.
Cotcha Yankinov
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It seems like people being (relatively) not that bad and then doing something that sends them spiraling isn't too uncommon. And it seems like some of us have had a couple good spirals.
I think one collective wisdom of this thread is beware: coffee, weed, alcohol, stimulants, 5-HTP and other unecessary supplements.
I think one collective wisdom of this thread is beware: coffee, weed, alcohol, stimulants, 5-HTP and other unecessary supplements.
The above substances will kill you. I am a walking corpse.
I still don't get it why some people get so sensibilized to drugs and supplements and others don't.
With alcohol I know what you mean. During the LTC actually no drunk feeling, more like a complete space out where none of my senses worked properly. But now I can drink again without getting completely lost, still not as much as before but I get this drunk feeling again.
It seems like the SSRI really worked wonders for me.
With alcohol I know what you mean. During the LTC actually no drunk feeling, more like a complete space out where none of my senses worked properly. But now I can drink again without getting completely lost, still not as much as before but I get this drunk feeling again.
It seems like the SSRI really worked wonders for me.
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