Hi guys,
it's been quite a while since i last posted on here, I've been trying to get on with my life without the need to check/post obsessively. This thread was my lifeline in the early days of my "LTC" and although i've moved on from those days I still like to check back at times when i'm feeling a bit rough. I also want to help out those who are in the earlier, more confusing and tumultuous stages of this shit. I won't go too deep into my history leading up to being struck down with my "LTC", but it has been around 18 months, which may sound like a long time but then i am living life to the full and although it is present i continue to improve all the time. I have had CBT, which has been a real blessing. My progress reminds me of one of those role playing games like final fantasy, where at first the my recovery was rapid but as things progress the improvements are less noticeable and slower, but there are a greater number of symptoms that i have recovered from than the symptoms that remain and persist. I actually have forgotten about some of the symptoms, like how it felt to have them and how they affected me. Most of my symptoms are/were linked to depersonalisation/derealisation and here is a list of those that have come and gone and those that are still present:
Symptoms that have gone:
unable to handle wide and open spaces: I just couldn't handle such spaces and my eyes would shut down- literally one time in a public square it was like someone was turning down a dimmer switch on my eyes- it was so freaky. I haven't experience this for over a year now. I also couldn't handle busy areas, such as train station concourses during rush hour. I almost had a full on panic attack in one of the main train stations in London last year, but just the other day i walked through the same station during rush hour and it was a piece of cake.
surges of energy: I would have this sensation of a tsunami passing through my head in a split second, a surge of energy that would create the sensation of my head being thrown forward. It was one of the most annoying symptoms but disappeared sometime in autumn last year
Numb and emotionless: This was one of the worst symptoms that made me feel listless and borderline suicidal. I couldn't enjoy any activities or be myself around friends or family, who felt like complete strangers. Thankfully this was one of the first symptoms to disappear around May last year and i am able to enjoy and apply myself to any situation. I think this symptom disappeared when i started seeing this as a mental issue or being imbalanced, rather than brain damage.
Chronic lack of sleep: I couldn't sleep for more than one hour in the first 3 or so months, which made every other symptom so much worse. I cannot stress how important sleep is for recovering and for overall general wellbeing. I now sleep without waking up in the night, but i do have bouts of insomnia sometimes for a week or so every few months, which is something i've always had in life.
Unable to read or focus: For the first 4-5 months i couldn't read books or websites properly, the words just looked like marks on a page. My eyes couldn't follow sentence structures properly and when i scrolled down web pages my eyes couldn't keep up with the images/text. The not keeping up was something that happened on trains or in cars as the scenery flew by. Supermarkets were horrible, just too much information, bright lights and aisles. I can now handle them fine. I am now able to read normally and focus on what i'm doing.
lightheadedness: My head often felt like a balloon attached to my body and felt as if it would fly away. I also felt like a floating head, like my legs felt weak or i couldn't feel them at all. This sensation no longer affects me.
Feeling of unreality: I would feel so detached that when in conversation with someone i would have these existential thoughts that what was happening was not actually real and I would have to really focus to keep talking as I felt as if i could just trail off because it wasn't real and wouldn't matter, if that makes sense. My vision often felt like it wasn't mine, like i was sitting behind my eyes inside some husk of a body that i had no control over, just watching it live out its life.
Vision: My vision was so incredibly blurry it was horrible, I couldn't focus on anything and i was getting so much energy from everything that i would freak out. I couldn't go outside without sunglasses for at least 5 months. Days of extreme sunshine or cloud were the worst- the strain on my eyes was immense. Now i'm fine heading out with sunglasses although i always keep a pair with me just in case. This is still a problem sometimes but nowhere near like it used to
scalp tingling: I would often wake up in the night with my scalp tingling all over. Haven't experienced this for ages.
muscle weakness: In the early days i just felt so utterly weak, like i was twice my age. I have my days where i feel rough, but i guess that's life really. I'm much better now. Going to the gym regularly helps.
sensitivity to light: Now this one can flare up sometimes, but a year ago i was sensitive to almost every kind of artificial light and it was so intrusive to everyday life. I spend half a year with ceiling lights off and lampshades on. I barely notice it now.
obsessing over symptoms- it became almost like an ocd to perform an action without dp symptoms. If i did, i would do it again to try and get it without symptoms, which of course didn't work. I would become stuck in a cycle. Now if i experience a symptom i just go on with what i'm doing until it goes away. I have CBT to thank for that.
Symptoms that persist:
depersonalisation- detached feeling: Although many of the dp symptoms have gone away, the detached feeling persists- where i just feel a bit zonked, although it has improved 50x and i can control it in most circumstances. i am able to handle so many more situations- i was unable to socialise at the beginning, but i am mostly fine now. I'd say it is almost gone, but not quite there yet. 75% recovered.
head pressure- It must be said that this has improved so much as well, from feeling like my head was in a vice a year ago, with various tingling, pressure points, burning sensations and numbness, it has now settled down to pressure points that can mostly be ignored. 70% recovered.
fatigue- This is quite a big one, i often don't feel refreshed even after a good night's sleep and the other symptoms really take it out of me. Much better than it was though.
General feeling of discomfort- sometimes i just feel really off and i can't pinpoint it to a single other symptom. Like anxiety i guess.
visual symptoms- I still experience floaters, but they don't bother me at all- i am used to them. I experience double vision with traffic lights, little lights on computers/tvs and lights also stretch when i move my head. Not really debilitating but annoying.
I would say i am about 50-60% recovered and i reckon i'll need another 18 months to get to a point where depersonalisation is just a distant bad memory, but i certainly won't be setting myself goals or anything. I'm just gonna stay in the moment. The fact that so many symptoms have gone and that i sometimes forget what i had tells me that i will get better. I have gone from being completely unable to function to getting back to a normal life and procuring a decent job and more.
At present i have this cycle where i am ok- as in with symptoms but getting on with life and then the symptoms diminish to a point where i feel really, really good and normal for a couple of weeks and then it sort of plateaus and then i have a week or two where they feel a lot worse, like a sort of setback and then i go back to feeling average. So it really fluctuates.
Anyway, i've kind of rambled on, but any questions or anything feel free to fire away!
anybody know what this is man