May have finally hit rock bottom.

[Phobicgadfly]

This is my first time posting on bluelight, but I've lurked from time to time during my drug career.
I'm 25 now, been an addict since 15. Started IVing heroin when I was 17. Went to rehab twice last year, in April and June - relapsed within 24 hours after April's 21 day stint, came out in July '14 on vivitrol but was shooting up before it even wore off, in anticipation lol.
I'm now on MMT, have been for a couple months, but have not been able to put together any clean time yet.

Just this year started experiencing big consequences. Got kicked out of a living situation due to my addiction (my roommate found out I was shooting up) and lost the best job I've ever landed after 6 months. That happened last week and I've been on a hard binge ever since, catatonic, not eating, mostly bed ridden and shooting hundreds of dollars a day of coke (cut with meth) and BTH. My arms are shredded, my skeleton is showing through my skin, I am at the end of the road.

 

[eye dew Things]

Hey friend....Welcome to Bluelight..A lot of very helpful people here. I understand a MEGA Benzo addiction led me to quit a 22$ an hr job 12 mths. ago.

Things can only get better, you're still young. Don't focus so much on todays problems, although they may seem immense. Stay Positive, stay safe. Just wanting to say Hello.

 

[Erikmen]

^ For sure. You'll find a lot of support in BL. Welcome!
I have also quit and went through MMT for many years.
Focus on getting better, that's what is important right now.
The rest will probably settle with time.
Good luck and keep posting!

 

[happyvalentinerose]

Welcome! I understand the addiction thing... I've fallen from the top of a mountain down to lower than low, and it took hitting my rock bottom then digging it even deeper for me to finally wake up to the need to change. It goes lower and lower... until you end up in jail, an institution, or dead. Every fucking time. Unless you manage to be alive at the end of your road and realize that drugs caused your problems, so the answer is to get clean. (I'm talking personal experience here, not necessarily telling you what will be best for you). Best of luck!

 

[LostAtomsk]

This is my first time posting on bluelight, but I've lurked from time to time during my drug career.
I'm 25 now, been an addict since 15. Started IVing heroin when I was 17. Went to rehab twice last year, in April and June - relapsed within 24 hours after April's 21 day stint, came out in July '14 on vivitrol but was shooting up before it even wore off, in anticipation lol.
I'm now on MMT, have been for a couple months, but have not been able to put together any clean time yet.

Just this year started experiencing big consequences. Got kicked out of a living situation due to my addiction (my roommate found out I was shooting up) and lost the best job I've ever landed after 6 months. That happened last week and I've been on a hard binge ever since, catatonic, not eating, mostly bed ridden and shooting hundreds of dollars a day of coke (cut with meth) and BTH. My arms are shredded, my skeleton is showing through my skin, I am at the end of the road.

Stay strong, my friend. I believe that you seem to realize you are at the end of your wits and that you want to break the habit.
With all of these things, you either get clean, by you and yourself. A change like that, I think, needs to come from within, yourself.

Please stop hurting yourself, you'll carry those scars (physical and emotional) and regret with you, for the rest of your life. What I'm getting from your post is that you don't want that.

 

[RDP89]

Yeah hang in there, I know it seems hopeless but you can change and get out of the hole. Don't beat yourself up too n much.

 

[RDP89]

Hey, Phobicgadfly, doing any better yet?? Hope you're at least getting by alright.

 

[Phobicgadfly]

I understand a MEGA Benzo addiction led me to quit a 22$ an hr job 12 mths. ago.

...and then what happened?

Hey, Phobicgadfly, doing any better yet?? Hope you're at least getting by alright.

Thanks for checkin' in on me =) not doing much better, but ... planning on it, at least... starting to piece together a plan...

A couple days ago, found myself with no $$ left and made the STUPID decision to take out a cash advance on my credit card, with an inhumane APR, the entirety of which is already spent and gone.
I was truly planning to abstain starting yesterday, but I slept through the methadone clinic dosing hours - actually, not quite; I woke up 15 minutes before closing and hauled ass out the door, arrived literally 1 minute past closing and was greeted by locked doors - making the total number of days missed this week a whopping 4 out of 5, so needless to say, methadone levels in my body were perilously low. As a result, I wasn't feeling so hot (very very cold, actually) and that threw everything off.
Also, I had my first experience with draining an abscess, which was unsettling to say the very least. More on that here.

I did make it to the clinic in time this morning. Protocol for any patient who misses more than one day at a time is to take vitals, UA, breathalize, COWS scale, and let the doctor decide what to do from there. My usual, "assigned" doctor has been absent on personal leave for almost a month (thank goodness for that, else he'd be up my ass about my consistently, or rather, progressively dirty UA's) so a doctor that I'd never met before interviewed me, which I'm thankful for. After the obligatory warnings (this behavior is not safe - if I continue to test dirty/miss doses, I may be discharged) he resumed my dose of 80mg. I am feeling better already.

Brought my two dogs over to my parents' house, played fetch in the backyard until they were both pooped, and now I'm procrastinating on doing everything that is required of me to qualify for Unemployment Benefits. This entails signing up with an account on Employment Development Department's website, as well as CalJobs, which is "California's online labor exchange system." Then all that's left before a determination is made, is an telephone eligibility interview that's scheduled for next week. Guess I'd better step to it...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Welcome to Bluelight!