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May getting and/or staying sober thread v. May flowers

The first available appointment is on the 12th...so a week from this Tuesday. They said since the bank holiday their appointments are limited next week. I'm annoyed because they told me on the phone yesterday that they get patients in within a week and even though I emailed back their patient form yesterday, they waited until 4:55pm to get back to me today saying they have no appointments next week. I sent them back an e-mail pressing for an earlier appointment but if they don't have any they don't have any obviously there's not much they can do, I just wish they had gotten back to me earlier today so that I could have called around to other clinics because by the time I heard from them everything was closed. Otherwise everything else seems fine, I just need to get a letter from my doctor confirming the dose and the length of time I've been on it There's another clinic that is open tomorrow so I'm going to give them a call and see if they might have an earlier appointment.

Even though it's not terribly fun physically, I suppose it's a good thing that I'm having to cut down so swiftly because I've been wanting to get off this stuff so badly, I
'm halfway there now.
 
I had a really shit night at work (I'm a stripper)-- just really bad customers and one in particular who really had a go at me and was extremely inappropriate physically. After so long of doing this job it doesn't normally get to me but he really did. He "fell" on "accident" onto me while I was dancing for him totally naked in a spread-eagle position and then would not extend the champagne room, I think he just didn't have any more money but of course he turned it around on me insulting everything from my eyes to my ass to my boobs to telling me one moment "you're so skinny you look like a boy" and the next "you have a pudge in your stomach when you lean over and it's disgusting." Everyone has a bit of a pudge when they lean over, it's extra skin so you can lean back I can'y think at 110lbs at 5'5 I can have that much of a pudge but now I'm looking in the mirror wondering if I need to go on another diet... I could tell he was totally fucked when we went in there so I honestly think he won't remember it tomorrow, but it really upset me because it was like that all fucking night with customers at the club, acting like my presence was a burden to them because they just "wanted to speak to their friend." Go to a fucking gay club if you just want to speak to boys all night. I know with the bank holiday most guys are going out of town and so it's just a bit of the weirdos in the club but fuck, it was not good. And I've been paid entirely in vouchers this week so even though I've made around 2000 pounds I don't have anything to show for it, just fucking monopoly money.

Anyway... when I first started stripping 5 years ago I was using and now I don't at work but on nights like this I really miss being high and not giving a fuck. I was so upset when I got home I was crying in my pillow to not wake my flatmates but couldn't even cry like a normal person because the WDs are hitting me and I was yawning every 10 seconds. I would kill for even 10ccs of heroin right now, like I would KILL for it. I like my job but when it's bad it's really bad and it's what brings me closest to using.

Anyway, sorry guys just needed to vent a little bit as I'm upset at the moment. I really want to take some more of my suboxone but I feel like I can't otherwise I'm going to be too low.
 
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Hiya Mrs Mis Wallace,

Sorry that you had to go through that. You're doing well by keeping off the drugs though it's hard keep going we are here to dupport you / listen if you need it.

Can I ask. What do you mean by vouchers? That doesn't sound right somehow.

Take care ok, you can do this.

Evey xxxx
 
Oh sorry guys that must have sounded a bit strange! Basically the way it works in the clubs in London is if the guys pay with a credit card the club gives you the money in the form of vouchers which look like Monopoly money, then you hand them in to the club and wait 4 days for them to give you the money in cash. It kind of sucks because of course the vouchers are only worth about 75% of what it says on them because the clubs charge you a surcharge for them using a credit card (and it'd bollocks because they charge the customer that as well) but my club is quite expensive, £300 for the half hour and £400 for the hour if you buy the cheapest room so it's pretty unusual for people to come in with that much cash on them. Normally it doesn't bother me because it's kind of nice to have to wait to get your money it forces you to save a bit more, but this week I think I had one person give me one twenty pound note so I've had to be going to the ATM to get cash for things like my house fee/taxi/tip outs/etc which is a bit ridiculous. And they've told me the last couple days that I either got there too late (by like 5 minutes) or that they weren't cashing vouchers that day so it's been a bit annoying!

Anyway, thanks for the support guys. Sorry, just had to vent for a bit I was very upset, I know I shouldn't be working right now because on top of the WDs I have a terrible cold/losing my voice and I've been insanely hungover everyday from doing these champagne rooms every night, and that stress is probably making me more upset about something that shouldn't be that big a deal-- I mean it's so incredibly random what these guys do/say, I'll have one guy request me from the host and gone on and on about "please don't ever get a boob job you have such natural beautiful breasts" and then 5 minutes later another guy will make snarky comments about why would he want to get a lap dance from someone who looks like a boy-- but they would have fined me hundreds of pounds or fired me (probably the latter) if I had just not worked all weekend. :(

And, despite being a very rough night managed to make it through to today before taking my suboxone so still on my regular schedule. I was shaking all night (or day I guess my work makes me a vampire) and sweating so much every hour I had to turn my sheet around because it was soaked and then after about 5 hours I gave up and threw it on the floor and just slept with the sheet. I hate the night sweats, you wake up and feel gross but you don't want to take the sheets off because you know you're going to be freezing... I'm surprised that last night was so rough since although it hasn't been pleasant it hasn't been like that, I don't understand why all of a sudden I felt like I was in total withdrawal? Just keep reminding myself I'm getting one step closer to being clean entirely... I can't even imagine how wonderful it would be to not have to worry about taking this stuff everyday.
 
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'May Flowers' - the Poppy flower counts, right? Still not pretty enough to keep around.

Stay strong.
 
I find that sometimes I decide suddenly late at night that I am going to say "fuck it," quit one opiate (oxymorphone), and up my dose of OC to compensate and then taper off of only one drug. This turns out to be a complete lie, because all that happens is that I end up taking a massive dose of OM (you know, "the one for the road escuse") and then the next day I am jonesin' like crazy for OM again.

I say this, because I am going to stop doing that.

I will stick with the taper of the two drugs and push the whole thing down to a point where I can jump.

I find the w/d's from OM to be extremely insane, and I really need to get my dose down to something that is manageable asap. The w/d's have a psychedelic slightly hallucinatory aspect to them (real bad trip), along with metallic undertones (for loss of a better term). It is really, really bad. The first time I tried CT I thought I was going to die, I couldn't even find my house keys, my phone or a pen to write with for hours, the TV taunted me. All I could do was lay curled up in a ball.

I've been through this with OC and HC, and there is something about quitting OM CT that is on a whole different level has me climbing the walls in no time.

It is a bad, bad drug...
 
I would suggest moving to one opiod, and then tapering on that.

Makes no sense to be trying to control two different tapers at the same time really imo.
 
I agree with your logic.
Perhaps I will taper one down to zero (the OM), and keep the OC stable until I get to that point.
I just can't CT the OM right now without essentially quadrupling the OC, which is not economically feasible.
I believe that I can gradually drop the OM down to zero by dropping 1-3 mg per day, I am at at 23 mg per day right now.
As long as I can remain patient and very consistent in my effort it should be doable.
Point being, I need to stop taking it willy nilly late at night under my own false pretense of being "over it."
I'm just fooling myself.
 
My cravings have been out of this world today, absolutely horrible. I don't understand what's going, I never get cravings, occasionally I'll think about it but not so much so that I'm squirming in my seat. Could it be because I'm lowering the dosage or something else? I'm worrying myself...
 
^^ Lowering dosages/tapering can absolutely cause cravings. You're depriving your brain of a substance it feels like it "needs". Always try to remember that cravings WILL go away regardless of whether or not you use, they won't last forever. Think of your cravings like a dangerous animal - feed it, and it will grow stronger; starve it, and it will get weaker. Try to keep yourself occupied especially if your having a particularly tough day. Sitting around alone and bored in your own head is the most dangerous place for a recovering addict to be.
 
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