hi everybody,
I'm new to BL, and this is my first post, though perusing the site has been a hobby ever since I was a lonely seventeen year old nerd and only had an apple to smoke weed out of.
I'm twenty now, yet in those short three years drugs changed me completely. I fell in love with them - all of them. Weed, booze, vics, OCs, psychedelics both mainstream and obscure, xanies, amphetamines, coke, and my favorite of all, the first real love of my life whose name still makes me quiver a little bit, Molly.
Almost immediately, drugs were not a social thing for me. They were a solution. They promised me freedom. If I had drugs, I no longer had to worry about responsibilities, because nothing mattered except feeling good in the moment. I no longer had to listen to my inner monologue of self-hate - that demon in my brain that tells me I'm never good enough, or cool enough, or whatever enough to be accepted for who I am. Molly especially allowed me to feel like I could finally love and be loved forever and ever (forever? forever-ever? forever-ever?!) by true friends. Haha, the odd thing was that most of the time I binged on Molly alone. My idea of a good night? A gram and a half of molly, some weed, a fully charged iPod, a car, and the city of Portland.
You know the story: my pursuit of drugs soon became destructive. I stopped giving a single fuck about college. I lied. I stole. I almost died several times (duh, you probably figured that out, I drove high every time I did Molly). I did shit I didn't want to do yet HAD to; in those times it felt like my body was being puppeteer-ed by some power greater than me. I couldn't have stopped it if I'd tried.
My parents are both drug addicts with over 25 years clean (this shit runs in families), so even though I told myself I was different and could handle it, I knew in the back of my mind I was an addict too. You can only suffer through so many drug-related crises before you start thinking you actually have a problem. So I tried to get clean. I relapsed many many times. I moved back in with my parents. I relapsed there too several times. But eventually I realized that if I continued using, I'd die or go to prison. I HAD to stop. But I didn't know how. This is where going to meetings, talking to people, and doing step work really helped me. I've been clean for six months now, and fuck...just writing about my using like this makes me grateful I'm not using today.
HOWEVER, as you can tell from my presence on BL, I think about drugs almost every day, and still miss getting high. I REALLY want to get high. Not right now when I'm living with my parents, but when I finally move out, I've started thinking that I probably will go get high, even though I really don't want to have to return to the misery drugs gave me. I feel empty. I just want to roll. I think (probably speciously) that I can do it right this time, that I can moderate my drug use, that I can live a successful fulfilling life in which I just get high occasionally.
But I know I could never get high just occasionally. When i think about buying molly, for instance, I think about buying like 5 grams, JUST FOR MYSELF. That's crazy right? I'm an addict right? Choosing to use would kinda be a slow form of suicide, wouldn't it? Being clean gets easier, right? Fuck.
Sooooo yeah. Part of me hopes I stay clean, part of me hopes I get loaded, but all of me hopes that someone can get something helpful out of this rambling post.
ttyl
Today is not a good day.
Sleep schedule is soo messed up its rough. To sleep ~6 hours I gotta take trazodone and clonidine before bed and then when I wake up 2-3 hours later I eat some more clonidine. Very rough getting out of the bed these days but im doing it, hitting meetings everyday.