March forward, and fear not the thorns... March 2015 Gettin' & Stayin' Sober Thread

[snortmdma]

BlueSaffron, I feel you about missing 'the life'. I used to order my drugs online so I would get pumped up every time i got online and shopped and checked my mailbox, etc. But when one door closes, many more will open. I believe that there are better aspects of life that lie ahead for recovering addicts that we've maybe been missing out on due to our past obsession with drugs. I'm looking forward to better experiences than the ones we've had as users, I believe they are out there if we just give the non-using life a chance. Things that might include better relationships, new enjoyable hobbies, exciting adventures, etc.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Thanks C.H., that actually helped a lot... just knowing there's a medical explanation for it and I'm not going to always feel like this, because that's what it feels like now. I just want to wake up and feel normal without taking something.

Thanks also lacaster for your post on page 1

the good news - I had five whole minutes tonight when I was just sitting there watching The Americans (amazing show, WATCH IT), and I thought "I like this feeling, feeling sober". It only lasted a few minutes, but it honestly felt amazing. A pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel...

One more thing - does anyone find themself missing "the life"? Not the drugs, but the going downtown to score, scrolling through a list of dealers on your phone, or cruising by the spot to see who's out (if you have open air where you live). The pulling over and calling your guy or motioning a dealer to come to your car, the doing the deal while watching out for narcs (I was actually blocked in by narcs the last time I copped), I had to ask them politely if I could back up and get out, lol, they were jacking someone. Am I the only one who had a weird sense of accomplishment when I drive away from the hood with my dope, and I havent gotten ripped off, jacked or arrested? It's like an adrenaline rush, and I know how fucking retarded (Un pc but I"m keeping it cos its the best description) that is, but I still can't help missing the action sometimes. Although tbh it was too much action right before I stopped, friends of mine getting in serious drama, ect. I just wish Iknew how to get that feeling of accomplishment some other way. Making all my deliveries on time at my job doesn't quite cut it.

It definitely sounds like if you had some excitement in your life that it would help with these feelings.

Have you ever tried any adrenaline inducing things, like bungee jumping?

 

[totach]

Another 24 gotta go to work so i will update later
Have a good day evreyone!

 

[jackie jones]

Nine months clean unless you count the occasional trip or glass of Sake (I do not). I get to one or two meetings weekly. Feeling good.

 

[totach]

I am having a really challenging day.
I keep thinking to myself how i know im gonna give in eventually and get high
I dont know how to get rid of that feeling its driving me nuts
I went thru so much suffering these last few weeks and i still feel pretty shitty
But yet my head is telling me just get high allready you know you will eventually
Like ive mentioned before im really bad at handling cravings i usually give in as soon as i have money
But for the last couple weeks ive had the money and i havent copped
I have a decent amount of cash now also like copping a bun wouldnt bother me but i am fighting really hard not to do it
So my question is is this thought process normal and does it get better with time?
Ive had clean time before as ive posted here when i had almost a year and a few months here.and there but those wer either thru rehab stayin at my dads or court mandation
I think this is the most clean time ive put together in the free world on my own and with the money to cop so i am proud of myself but am so scared of failure please tell me it gets better

 

[Whathaveidun]

You know i been trolling for a little while on these forums while i been trying to get clean over the past six months with relapse here for a couple days or a relapse for a week or two but you know what today i can finally say i am happy clean and sobor on 38 days and counting. Every day is a new blessing.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I am having a really challenging day.
I keep thinking to myself how i know im gonna give in eventually and get high
I dont know how to get rid of that feeling its driving me nuts
I went thru so much suffering these last few weeks and i still feel pretty shitty
But yet my head is telling me just get high allready you know you will eventually
Like ive mentioned before im really bad at handling cravings i usually give in as soon as i have money
But for the last couple weeks ive had the money and i havent copped
I have a decent amount of cash now also like copping a bun wouldnt bother me but i am fighting really hard not to do it
So my question is is this thought process normal and does it get better with time?
Ive had clean time before as ive posted here when i had almost a year and a few months here.and there but those wer either thru rehab stayin at my dads or court mandation
I think this is the most clean time ive put together in the free world on my own and with the money to cop so i am proud of myself but am so scared of failure please tell me it gets better

it's normal for us to start to expect that the past will always predict the future; but you can do it man. just keep on doing the right thing and things will get better one day.

do you have a significant other in your life?

 

[totach]

Im sure you are right captian im just so scared that history will repeat its self and i will start getting high again
Maybe fear is a good thing for all i know
N no captian i am currently single after 2 back to back 4 year relationships i dont feel like i am in a position to care for somebody right now
After me and my last girl broke up she said something that really haunts me she said i wasted 4 years of her life which really hurt me alot
Now im kinda scared to ruin another womans life so i want to make sure im stable before starting any relationship
Dont get me wrong tho i love woman very much and want nothing more then to be in a relationship hopefully in the very near future i will have one
Thanx for the encouragment captian have a good day!

 

[engineercchad]

Clean roughly two years now. It was hell to get here, left me with chronic, persistent neuropathic pain and a fear of doctors. I'm happy where I'm at, overall. I still dread the doctors. I know I will need them one day. I haven't seen any since except a cardiologist that recommended I get therapy because benzo withdrawal was making my chest hurt, so I went in for a stress test, and further lost faith in the profession. I'm master now, of home remedies and self-treatment of the nervous system issues doctors caused me through nature and mail-order legal supplements. Is this bad? I don't think so, I'm no longer killing myself or risking imprisonment..... So I'm cool! :D Here's to the better life sobriety brought upon me!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Im sure you are right captian im just so scared that history will repeat its self and i will start getting high again
Maybe fear is a good thing for all i know
N no captian i am currently single after 2 back to back 4 year relationships i dont feel like i am in a position to care for somebody right now
After me and my last girl broke up she said something that really haunts me she said i wasted 4 years of her life which really hurt me alot
Now im kinda scared to ruin another womans life so i want to make sure im stable before starting any relationship
Dont get me wrong tho i love woman very much and want nothing more then to be in a relationship hopefully in the very near future i will have one
Thanx for the encouragment captian have a good day!

I know that fear

I had 7 months clean - relapsed because I was alone and lonely.

Remember that you are a lovable person

Try to get some friends that don't use - it'll help

Ever see yourself in a relationship down the road?

 

[GenericName12]

I am having a really challenging day.
I keep thinking to myself how i know im gonna give in eventually and get high
I dont know how to get rid of that feeling its driving me nuts
I went thru so much suffering these last few weeks and i still feel pretty shitty
But yet my head is telling me just get high allready you know you will eventually
Like ive mentioned before im really bad at handling cravings i usually give in as soon as i have money
But for the last couple weeks ive had the money and i havent copped
I have a decent amount of cash now also like copping a bun wouldnt bother me but i am fighting really hard not to do it
So my question is is this thought process normal and does it get better with time?
Ive had clean time before as ive posted here when i had almost a year and a few months here.and there but those wer either thru rehab stayin at my dads or court mandation
I think this is the most clean time ive put together in the free world on my own and with the money to cop so i am proud of myself but am so scared of failure please tell me it gets better

It's funny how we all have the same thoughts. I feel like a time bomb sometimes and I don't know how much is left on the timer.

Don't focus on tomorrow, just focus on today. I know it's hard. But I remind myself this every time I feel like a time bomb.

But it gets better. I promise. Eventually.

 

[totach]

My real friends that i grew up with either dont do drugs or are clean for a while so i am lucky in that department
With the job i have now and the crazy hours i do not even have a chance to chill with friends
My job consists of crazy hours and it sux only for that reason but i think it is helping me stay clean so i look at the job like if this is what it takes to keep me clean im cool with it for now atleast til i can put some clean time together
Tomorrow will be exactly 4 weeks
I followed your story pretty well captian from when you started the subs
I was surprised when you relapsed but amazed by the strengh you have to pick yourself up so quickly from a relapse and go right back to recovery
When i relapse i usually stay out for a while and it takes many more relapses and heart ache till i can put some time together again
As for your question about relationships i want nothing more then a nice woman in my life i just want to make sure i am stable before i set out on that venture
I am a strong believer in god and i am sure when the time is right i will meet my future queen
Generic- thanks i really hope it gets better soon
I wish i could know forsure that i will never get high again but i dont so like you said i know forsure i will not get high today maybe tomorrow but not today
Tomorrow will be the same god willing posting here really helps me alot since you guys are my only support system right now
Goodnight evreyone

 

[totach]

So today makes 4 weeks no benzo or opiates and i guess i can say i am starting to feel alittle better
Last night was the first night i managed to stay asleep long enough to have a real it was a scary one but cool
I still dont have much energy or motivation but i hope that will come with some more time
Thats all i have to say this morning im off to work
Good day all

 

[myloveishim]

Congrats on the sleep dude, I know how that really helps. I'm 126 days clean today and have been home from rehab since December 20, however I've now decided to move into an Oxford house. After being clean this amount of time (first time I've been clean since I started using almost 9 yrs ago) I've decided that the 10 yr relationship I've been in, won't survive me not using. I've not been happy for a very long time and the drugs helped me cope with that. I can't do it clean.

 

[myloveishim]

And I'm not willing to risk my recovery!!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Today was a good day for me, I certainly had points that felt awful though. But overall I felt really good about today, and I am pleasantly surprised.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

My real friends that i grew up with either dont do drugs or are clean for a while so i am lucky in that department
With the job i have now and the crazy hours i do not even have a chance to chill with friends
My job consists of crazy hours and it sux only for that reason but i think it is helping me stay clean so i look at the job like if this is what it takes to keep me clean im cool with it for now atleast til i can put some clean time together
Tomorrow will be exactly 4 weeks
I followed your story pretty well captian from when you started the subs
I was surprised when you relapsed but amazed by the strengh you have to pick yourself up so quickly from a relapse and go right back to recovery
When i relapse i usually stay out for a while and it takes many more relapses and heart ache till i can put some time together again
As for your question about relationships i want nothing more then a nice woman in my life i just want to make sure i am stable before i set out on that venture
I am a strong believer in god and i am sure when the time is right i will meet my future queen
Generic- thanks i really hope it gets better soon
I wish i could know forsure that i will never get high again but i dont so like you said i know forsure i will not get high today maybe tomorrow but not today
Tomorrow will be the same god willing posting here really helps me alot since you guys are my only support system right now
Goodnight evreyone

Congrats on your 4 weeks man!! I remember 4 weeks ago when you were just starting, and I remember thinking about the amount of enthusiasm you had then, and still have, for getting clean. You're doing a great job man, keep up the great work

and a little about me; the reason why I asked the relationship question, is because the last time I was clean then relapsed on buprenorphine (dec 2013 to jul 2014), I was single, and I was chronically lonely and alone (spent 24 hours a day 7 days a week in solitude); now I have a relationship and it's a huge factor for me feeling better already.

indeed when we are in love relationships and feel loved, the same dopamine and endorphins start to get flowing, similar to how opiates effect the brain. we also start to have serotonin, and oxytocin and other chemicals get going when we're in love. the first two have the most profound impact in terms of opiate addiction though, and are the most reinforcing properties to falling in love, and easily explain why people go through so much for relationships

i think for people trying to get clean/stay clean, getting in a psychologically healthy, non-drug using (or non-hard drug using) relationship is crucial.

especially for people who were alone while addicted

 

[BlueSaffron]

yay Captain I"m glad to hear you had a good day

 

[totach]

Thanx myloveishim i ment to say i finally had a real dream
I was really surprised when i woke up cuz when i was getting cat naps in the last 4 weeks i would wake up right after a short dream
As for your relationship if you feel like you are putting your recovery at risk you should forsure end it
I know its easier said then done eapecially after ten years but you know what is best for you and you probably wouldnt have mentioned it if it wasnt bothering you much
It sux to be alone so my opinion is if you think there is some way to still repair your relationship then you should but if you dont theb walk away
I have bin in a few long term relationships and i cant belive they didnt leave me sooner cuz i was getting high the whole time.and they didnt get high and to be honest i was very sad they left me but was proud of them at the same time cuz in reality if i really loved them.as much as i said and thought i did i woulda stoped.getting high point blank
So i dont know what your current situation is but if your significant other really loved you then they would stop doing whatever is causing you to say you.cant be with them
@ captian- Its so nice to see you finally say you had a great day!
You are living proof that it really does get better with time
Also congrats on the relationship man im sure it is a wonderful feeling to love and be loved
This is my first time single in a very long time since i was 17
I hate being single i miss evreything about being in a relationship
I havent bin in a relationship sober tho for 12 years so i wonder how im gonna feel when i find my queen
Im not rushing into anything tho i want to get alil more stable financially and also some more confidence in my recovery
Id say when god willing i have like 3 months ill start searching
Im really glad to see things going so well for you captian i hope it stays that way.

 

[BlueSaffron]

^I understand wanting to be more stable financially before getting a gf, but I just want to throw it out there that a real queen wont care what you make. I'd live in a hut for the right man - ah wait, someone else said it better:

"A woman unsatisfied must have luxuries. But a woman who loves a man would sleep on a board." - D. H. Lawrence