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Main reason you use?

As an addict I just want to feel different to how I feel sober, uppers, downers, whatever.

My reality isn't even that bad, 'cept for pain, but I just like life better when highly opiated.

If I run out, I'll binge on benzos. It's like I just cruise through life & the real world passes me by.

But, something's gotta change, whether it's my attitude & motivation or prescription abuse. I'm doing less & less with my time & becoming more antisocial. I barely leave my sanctuary & bliss for days at a time.

I'm getting older, but I'm too young for that.

Rtp
 
I just get in that cycle of work get fucked up work get fucked up work get fucked up. I use drugs for all the wrong reasons. To escape reality and mask my emotions that I don't have the strength to deal with otherwise. Iuse drugs because I don't know what else to do because this is all I have done for so long. I have no other hobbies. Life seems empty and boring without them. It is definitely getting worse the more time that goes by, the older I get living life this way. I could never stop using completely. But self control is key. Just have to find it first. I have been trying for eleven years now.
 
^yes, I would be fucked without my oxy!! Since I began abusing My tolerance has grown so high that when my pain gets crazy baaaad no amount wrks anymore. I have to be admitted for ketamine infusions along with hourly fent injections which bring me down to roughly 6/10 on the pain scale.

I made the choice yrs ago,- take as prescribed,(which is a decent amount), & have a semi-ok day, or fuck up on it & have kinda-grrrrrreat days with a few miserable days of Wd's thrown in.

Self control. Especially on my off days there's always that nagging thought in my head. Increasingly now. The show that never ends, the one gal circus...when does it stop, where will this end??

I'll likely need pain relief for the rest of my life, but others are starting to call me out on my concentration & memory. Two of my specialists namely. One even brought up the dreaded "hyperalgesia" term, which I fiercely defended as the fent improves my pain rather than worsen it.

Afaik there's only one friend who knows the go. Well, he's the only one I talk intimately to regarding my habit,-he's a former junkie so has some understanding. Atm I don't have it in me, the strength to handover my pills & have him dispense. He's absolutely no longer tempted, I trust him 100% with them, but I'd be beating down his door for them back within minutes lol.

Yes. Self control. I must search for it...

Sorry to go off thread, but I just needed to right now.

Rtp
 
Anxiety. Chronic pain. Insomnia. Like feeling fucked up. I also have an eating disorder and drugs don't have calories and curb my appetite. Also escape and I just like being on substances.
 
Because I like getting high.

Excuse my buzz kill, but I no longer enjoy making small-talk with people unless I'm on something.

By "on something" I don't mean fucked up, I just need a little buzz.
 
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Aside from the fact the being high feels really good I use simply because I am an addict and have a behavioural problem. If I have drugs on me I will use them all day while feeling shitty that I'm too high to do what I want to do properly, yet still being unable to stop dosing. If I don't have any I will be fine and get a lot of work done during the day, but then night time hits. That's a whole other story that I can't really understand. Unless I'm deeply occupied with my work or some sort of hobby/distraction, my mind will go into a panic as soon as the sun goes down and I will crave like there is no tomorrow. I can't get anything done in this state and it takes all my mental capacity to fight it so I usually give in so that I can at least attempt the things I have to do. Otherwise I am totally incapacitated by anxiety and can't do shit. The sad part is that its not even a particular high that I crave, I just don't want to be sober when I get like this. I usually go to weed or opiates. Im probably going to be the only person in BL history to say this, but weed and the cravings it gives me has negatively impacted my life far more than opiates ever have.
 
Started with amphetamines for adhd then kept on them to lose weight and endure working as a child without having to feel the pain of death around me in my family (grief/loss/abandonment), as well as the trauma that created deep psychological injury and suffering. Using helped me cope and to falsely fill the hole of that deep sense of separation and unknowness in the world, to where I didn't feel whole nor complete in any way shape or form. This is the lie of of human conditioning we created in my observations. I used to fill the void of what was seemingly taken from me and was only mine and no one else's.

I used to not remember. I used to plan my feelings and to plan when not to experience them. Most recently heroin to cope with chronic pain, but underneath than not feeling safe in the world for sometime due to recent happenings. I know I will always be okay though, and use because I wanted to use regardless. Not that life was immensely difficult these last 5 years, to the core. I was experiencing begin exposed to elements in life similar to my youth in my home and had no way out. So I thought…
 
Because as a drug addict, there isn't an object or soul that brings me more pleasure than a thick shot of crystal to spike my veins. I have quit in the past and always return because I seem to forget about the suffering it has caused me and my loved ones. There are other reasons too: Quitti g means detox and maybe rehab; I don't have the $$ or the PTO for a week long crash, let alone rehab. Meth (at the beginning of a relapse) makes me feel a sense of belonging and that I am accepted... then again, what drug addict doesn't accept a fresh face with a pocket full of money?
 
pinpoint said:
Because popping a pill is infinitely easier than earning the feeling through hard work and determination. God, I cringed when I typed that.
Click to expand...

Not sure if it's appropriate or not but I actually laughed out loud some when I read that. I feel you though...
 
To be frank, I probably started smoking pot in high school because of peer pressure...I'm so weak willed I think. That was then though. Now I smoke mostly because it relieves pain (CPP) and I have trouble with crowds, social anxiety and of course I like being high. Opiates, again relieve pain but not gonna lie definitely love being high. Sometimes I feel guilty though. Use these interchangeably..."I have to for my pain" and "I don't care about being high I just want to not hurt" and "God I wish I was high."
 
Should probably clarify...I wasn't always a CPP and when I truly first started using...about 15 yo or so my reason was to escape my horrible life/living situation. Cleaned up and was sober for 8 years and then ended up being a CPP the last few years due to a car accident and a nasty fall out of a window.
 
I use because it gives me something to do an its hard when you don't know any other way.
 
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