MA Heroin V We Overdraft Our Shit 2

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Hah, I 'found' a trap going in holyoke. I kinda knew it was going on because it had been specifically mentioned back in the summer in detox, and I saw lookouts around but never got flagged down and never needed it before, really. So today was super busy out there and I just saw tons of white junkies heading back there so I said fuck it and jumped out of my car and followed 'em. It was pretty straightforward, no price break and the coke was kind of shitty for what I was used to out there. At least it's an option, I'm pretty sure it's been running strong for a long time, and the dope wasn't bad.
 
^^ it can be done, dude. and this is what I like about Bluelight; I honestly feel it keeps me somewhat sober ready other stories, keeping in touch w/ the dope scene, etc. but the minute I do fuck up, I will truly come here and mention it. but let's hope that day NEVER comes.

I remember I signed on here just to blog my sobriety. when I realized I needed 50 posts I was pissed. so the first few days I posted just to try and get the count up. at the time I was still somewhat using and even had my worst OD a few weeks into Bluelight. since then my blog has been up to date. but I have posted WAYYY MORE than I ever expected and I honestly think it has helped w/ my recovery.. does that make sense? even talking about scoring dope, how it affected me, etc, w/ random peeps.. helps me more than a meeting does.
 
BostonBrownTown said:
^^ it can be done, dude. and this is what I like about Bluelight; I honestly feel it keeps me somewhat sober ready other stories, keeping in touch w/ the dope scene, etc. but the minute I do fuck up, I will truly come here and mention it. but let's hope that day NEVER comes.

I remember I signed on here just to blog my sobriety. when I realized I needed 50 posts I was pissed. so the first few days I posted just to try and get the count up. at the time I was still somewhat using and even had my worst OD a few weeks into Bluelight. since then my blog has been up to date. but I have posted WAYYY MORE than I ever expected and I honestly think it has helped w/ my recovery.. does that make sense? even talking about scoring dope, how it affected me, etc, w/ random peeps.. helps me more than a meeting does.
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Yeah it makes sense. BL can definitely be a big help in sobriety. It's certainly helped me many times during my addiction when trying to get clean. Of course, it can also be a trigger for some people. Many members, including staff, have had to step away for a while because BL was actually making them want to use. So it can go both ways.
 
Mr.Scagnattie said:
Yeah it makes sense. BL can definitely be a big help in sobriety. It's certainly helped me many times during my addiction when trying to get clean. Of course, it can also be a trigger for some people. Many members, including staff, have had to step away for a while because BL was actually making them want to use. So it can go both ways.
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I can see that, man. Sometimes stories will get you going and get you thinking back to the "good" times. but dude, depending on what type of junkie you were, toward the end of the run, there were NO GOOD TIMES! after every shot I wanted to kill myself, man. I was a junkie w/ nothing left on the inside/out. I did it to survive and to feel no emotion in my life. I was blaming the drugs but it was me who didnt have the balls to man up and leave the girlfriend, leave the job I didnt like, make the changes in my life I wanted/needed to. so I would just blast dope and blame it on that. I am truly thankful for an almost DEADLY OD. it finally woke me up.

dont get me wrong, I still read stories on here and think of the "better" times. but my miserable times far outweigh my "better" times. its like 99/1 type shit.
 
^No doubt BL can be a trigger for me. I think if I am truly going to stay clean I need to stay away from Bluelight, especially the social forums. Reading about others getting high just causes envy that might cause a relapse.

It might be the case I will have to step away for a while when I get back on Subs, probably on the first of the year. I suppose it works as a New Year's resolution, but it really just comes down to timing. Of course I want to use tomorrow because I am gonna be partying somewhere, so the day after that seems like the best to get off the dope.
 
^^ dude, I dont blame you, but thats the typical junkie thing to say.. but its so true. tomorrow is NYE, and if youre still going, why not ONE MORE TIME, right? well, I thought the same before I decided to get clean.. and my ONE MORE TIME put me in a hospital w/o a single memory of what happen leading up to what one more time. but I know I blasted some sick dope w/ coke and xanny. way too much. thats all I know about my ONE LAST TIME!

do what you wanna/gotta do, man.. but play it safe since its your final time, or so you say.
 
^Oh I've had plenty of last time "send offs". Worst one was a wedding I went to over 2 years ago when, back when I still was using the roxi 30s and I didn't have too much of a tolerance. I figure that is the closest I came to OD'ing. I was routinely doing between 3-4 30s a day back then. I knew I was gonna have to stop in a few days for financial reasons so I stocked up on a whole lot for the wedding and what was suppose to be for the days after. Before the wedding I had already done about 4 30s, so was over my daily use and it was still around midday. There was an open bar for the whole reception with what seemed like endless bottles of Jack Daniels stacked up. Throughout the reception, from about 7-12, I did about 6 more 30s, plus drank myself to blackout and beyond. I also might have done some coke after we got back to the hotel(I don't remember going back to the hotel, neither does the person who had the coke).

Sometime in the morning when the sun came up I didn't exactly wake up, because I was already standing, but came to my senses outside the hotel in the parking lot, with no shoes on but did have socks(drenched from the morning dew on the grass), shorts and a t-shirt on. It took me like 20 ,minutes of stumbling around to find our room and I knocked a bunch, but no one opened, so I slept on the floor in the hallway until like 15 minutes later someone finally opened the door up. I literally did not feel right for weeks after that night. My stomach had a constant vague nausea and intermittent pains, which made the kick I did 3 days later all the worse.

But this time I don't have the money to get that crazy anyway. My plan is to find the party with friends who will party the lightest tomorrow night. The married and settled down types who will only part until just after midnight and then call it a night. I don't want a hangover on NYD when I am getting on the Subs. I know I have friends who will be partying until the sun comes up, that I want to avoid. But I routinely avoid them anyway because when I party with them its a guaranteed awful hangover the next day.
 
Every time I planned on using "one last time". It was always an underwhelming experiance, like I worked it up to be this great high I was gonna have and after my drugs were gone looking back scratching my head thinking to myself"that kinda sucked I should have been way higher then I was". Maybe it's a mental thing.
 
I am sure EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US had MANY "ONE LAST TIME". but my LAST TIME was HOPEFULLY and HONESTLY my VERY LAST TIME! that shit near killed me. I had plenty of ONE LAST TIME that just led to using the very next day but that last one was a TRUE KILLER!
 
Welderman said:
Every time I planned on using "one last time". It was always an underwhelming experiance, like I worked it up to be this great high I was gonna have and after my drugs were gone looking back scratching my head thinking to myself"that kinda sucked I should have been way higher then I was". Maybe it's a mental thing.
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Yeah, well you can only get so high before you will just OD. I know I have had a few times where I was planning to get real high for whatever reason, not necessarily a "one last time" thing, but just doing more than usual. Then I'd do it and start wondering if maybe I over did it and might OD, which just ruins the high.

Also you ever realize how that last high seems to wear off faster than any other. Thats why I always make a last high after a long run be at night, so I can sleep and wake up sick instead of sitting around counting the minutes as I get closer and closer to w/d. I remember doing a bunch one day in the early afternoon and it was my last high for a while, well it was planned to be. I figured I did it around 12:30 pm and wouldn't feel bad until like 7 or 8, so I could eat dinner, get to sleep early and wake up ready to take my Subs. Instead I was feeling like shit by 3, which made no sense because I usually wouldn't feel anywhere near that bad in only 3 hours, especially dosing around 50% more than usual. But that is just a mental thing, knowing I was all done was sickening to my stomach as it is. I believe I just scrounged up some loot and got another bag that night so I could sleep and wake up and do it my usual way.
 
Copped in holyoke today at my normal spot. Pretty good luck today, been gettin the same stamp for the past four months but the material is different from time to time. Bags were great today had a huge count and good light brown material. One bag was sooo fat it was like more than double the size of a normal bag. Same spot also has soft and was decent quality a little better than it usually is. All in all yoke was pretty good to me today.%)
 
Well today's going allright so far....my brother copped early this morning(which is very NOT HIM) cause he says it's better to cop late in the day but to me I love to get off in the AM with my first coffee and cig. Anyways did two of these bags I'm getting from my reg person and it's fire to me...the other night I got soooo slammed my bro told me my face had keyboard marks on it from noddin off in front of my PC had done one early and it got me off E then my boss called to help him clean up after a pipe burst in one of his houses. Of course I got my $20 advance and walked down to my dealer's and copped 3. Got back, grabbed the Shop-Vac and sucked up about 30 or 40 gallons of water that was in the basement; wasn't too bad finished in about two hours got $15 more and of course got two more bags and went home. I slammed those and was feelin great, but all of a sudden I was totally rocked and could barely keep my head up and eyes open...Wooooow I was in heaven but in about 2 hours I was normal again...it disappeared that fast, was weird. Oh well it was great while it lasted...don't think today's going to be a repeat, but then again I was sure nothing was going to happen that day!!!=D
 
god bless you, dude. I look at your $$ and what you spent and how you took those shots, and it blows my mind. you are legit the luckiest user I've heard of. w/ a tolerance like that I would be using for the rest of my life and then some; then again, it might be better to be sober, right? well, maybe I can just use before bed at night and be sober throughout the day!? sorry, thats my addict mind talking.

anyway, you are a lucky dude. I read your stories and it blows my mind what you do and then the nod. I dont get how youre keep up w/ that but god bless you. if I ever showed up w/ $15 to my dealer I'd get punched in the face. or I'd say here is $15 I owe you $185 this Friday, ha.
 
Yeah, I agree about the luck part cause I haven't held a REAL JOB for 8 years and counting and have somehow been able to keep using day after day!! My tolerance is quite low right now and I'm glad in a way cause I'm sure if I had a steady income right now it would probably be through the roof , along with a huge debt if I got credit...My brother is currently trying to dodge this asshole dealer with whom he owes about 6 or 700 dollars because of credit but it's ridiculous cause this guy lives 3 houses down; I told him you can't avoid this jerk forever you're going to have to give him something. The thing is this guy expects my brother to give him all of it at once and that's his whole check and he's lucky he 's still getting checks cause they stopped unemployment. He's been calling him and threatening him with bodily harm and he's one of these guys that collects knives and supposedly has a few guns but I don't think he will do anything if he did that would be stupid on his part cause he will definitely go to jail...imo he talks tall but his balls are small...
 
dude, you NOD on $20 spent. it blows my FUCKING MIND! legit, I dont think you understand how mind blown I am. ha.

why no work, dude? why not go work? I said the other day you live w/ a roof over your head and still w/ family, so youre lucky, but you gotta get out there on your own too, dude.. right? you cant expect that forever. you have to come up w/ your own way of life, or am I wrong?
 
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