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Low Beams and High Dreams ***Please Critique***

a100unitSHOT

a100unitSHOT

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2009
Messages
406
Location
Smack in the Middle
If one thing could be different
About this speck in time
I'd be with you in your car
and not alone in mine

It seems this ride will never end
I've been driving since I left
I still here our final words
Hanging on our breaths

I don't recall your reasoning
I can't remember why
All I can picture is that last kiss
and you whispering, "Goodbye."

So many things I could have said
but I left it at, "Take care.
Have fun until the end of life
and I will meet you there."

That memory is all I have
I wish I could have stayed
and as I watch the miles go by
The moment starts to fade

I don't recall your reasoning
I can't remember why.
All I can picture is that last kiss
and you whispering....


Goodbye..........
 
I feel your pain and sadness in reading this, if only a drop of it.

Peace & Love


Well put together at any rate, as best a eulogy as anyone could come up with who may be at a loss for words.
 
It's great. I honestly don't have a critique...I feel the loose end of loss quite clearly.
 
the only suggestion I would make is to maybe insert another stanza for the purpose of tying in the act of driving to "escaping" memories and finding new ways


something like this

"while driving through the forest of memories set in time
the old ways stand firm and statuesquely sublime.
and through the twisted branches peer
a light that's near and gives me hope and washes all the fear"

i just wrote this off the top of my head as a suggestion. do with it as you may
 
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^^^Wow guys. Thanks for all the replies. :) This is one of my simpler ones but it's gotten the most responses. I guess sometimes simplicity can say complicated things. Thanks Bluelighters.
 
paints a good picture. good writing.

probably the reason simple things get the best response is because they are the ones that are easiest for people to relate. as shakespeare said, "brevity is the soul of wit."
 
smackncheese said:
Beautifully said. You can organize your thoughts into words exceptionally well. This would make a great song.. is it meant to have musical accompaniment? If not, it should. :)
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Yes, i sure do have music for it. Just take my word, the music, in my opinion of course, fits the mood of the lyrics pretty well. As i said, it's one of my more simple poems, but the song is pretty powerful.
 
I commented on this like a year ago, and just re-read it.

and I just wanted to re-iterate that I really, really like this.

it reminds me of an old girlfriend from 2007.

the part about as the miles go by the moment start to fade.

whole thing gave me goosebumps, and that's rare. I'm usually pretty critical of the writing of others.

good stuff. get famous
 
I still here our final words
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did you mean "hear"?

sorry i have a pet peeve bt retarded things like this.
I just have to bring this up so I'd stop obsessing bt it.
XP


I really like the phrase

Have fun until the end of life
and I will meet you there.
Click to expand...
 
dude, so I commented on this like 2 years ago, and the year before that.

and I just stumbled upon it yet again. You must know, this is a truly magnificent piece of writing.

this should be published, or sang, or printed and stapled on trees and people's foreheads.

seriously....get famous.
 
yeah man, i love it! it's really easy to soak in and get the jist of what has happened. it flows really nicely and slips through the mind like butter. it ain't boring :)
 
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