mrcientist
Bluelighter
life without love, easier. but so empty!
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SLR Moderators: Senior Staff
Love and The Illusion of Choice
- Thread starter Captain.Heroin
- Start date
1) would you rather not love anyone? would it make life easier? (again let me reiterate, I'm asking about the type of love you get when you're falling for someone hard)
I don't know if it makes life easier or not. For me, love would manifest into an irrational intense motivation. That can be useful in the general sense, but the irrational part would blind me in other areas too. idk
that pretty much describes my sociopathic lack of interest in love lately.
I don't know if it makes life easier or not. For me, love would manifest into an irrational intense motivation. That can be useful in the general sense, but the irrational part would blind me in other areas too. idk
llama112
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2010
- Messages
- 4,468
1) would you rather not love anyone? would it make life easier? (again let me reiterate, I'm asking about the type of love you get when you're falling for someone hard)
I'd rather love someone who loves me in return. Loving someone who doesn't love you back sucks, but it isn't real love, it's just lust/a crush. Love is much different as I've had feelings both both. True love beats everything else out there.
2) does anyone feel the same way I do? or do you think love is the caustic substance that keeps all of this together?
Love is awesome. I'm crazy about my boyfriend and he's crazy about me. I feel like this is the same as #1 and I'm not sure what else to say.
3) if I can't consciously choose to fall in love with someone, or to stop myself from doing so or to undo it (which I do believe to be quite impossible), do I have no self-control? Do I have no free will? I used to believe in free will and still want to, but experiences like this challenge my perception of free will in what we all consider to be reality.
You have free will. You can stop falling in love with someone by breaking up with them and removing them from your life. You can stop lusting after someone or crushing on someone by removing them from your life.
4) why would anyone (myself included but not just me) love someone that doesn't love them back?
I don't think it's possible to truly love someone who does not love you back. It's just a crush. There are two options when you think you "love" someone who doesn't love you back.
a) that person changes his/her mind and you start seeing each other and fall in REAL love with each other
b) that person does not have feelings for you and you are forced to move on (the sooner the better!)
5) if I don't want to be in love, and I find myself "falling" or "crushing" for someone, should I stop having sex with them? Would that work, or would it just make me want it even more? I haven't conisdered this option yet but I'm thinking of it now.
Yes, if you want to stop falling for someone, stop having sex with them. Having sex with someone who you have feelings for will only increase those feelings and make it harder for you. Does the person you're having sex with want anything more than just friendship/friends with benefits/sex buddies with you? If so, do it. If not, and you want more, you should probably separate before your feelings get hurt.
I'd rather love someone who loves me in return. Loving someone who doesn't love you back sucks, but it isn't real love, it's just lust/a crush. Love is much different as I've had feelings both both. True love beats everything else out there.
2) does anyone feel the same way I do? or do you think love is the caustic substance that keeps all of this together?
Love is awesome. I'm crazy about my boyfriend and he's crazy about me. I feel like this is the same as #1 and I'm not sure what else to say.
3) if I can't consciously choose to fall in love with someone, or to stop myself from doing so or to undo it (which I do believe to be quite impossible), do I have no self-control? Do I have no free will? I used to believe in free will and still want to, but experiences like this challenge my perception of free will in what we all consider to be reality.
You have free will. You can stop falling in love with someone by breaking up with them and removing them from your life. You can stop lusting after someone or crushing on someone by removing them from your life.
4) why would anyone (myself included but not just me) love someone that doesn't love them back?
I don't think it's possible to truly love someone who does not love you back. It's just a crush. There are two options when you think you "love" someone who doesn't love you back.
a) that person changes his/her mind and you start seeing each other and fall in REAL love with each other
b) that person does not have feelings for you and you are forced to move on (the sooner the better!)
5) if I don't want to be in love, and I find myself "falling" or "crushing" for someone, should I stop having sex with them? Would that work, or would it just make me want it even more? I haven't conisdered this option yet but I'm thinking of it now.
Yes, if you want to stop falling for someone, stop having sex with them. Having sex with someone who you have feelings for will only increase those feelings and make it harder for you. Does the person you're having sex with want anything more than just friendship/friends with benefits/sex buddies with you? If so, do it. If not, and you want more, you should probably separate before your feelings get hurt.
RhythmSpring
Bluelighter
I would rather be in a perpetual state of falling in love with people, without actually hitting the ground, if you know what I mean.
Love is definitely the universe's glue. The problem is we are far from understanding it. So when we fall in love, we flip out and we don't know how to handle it. But yes, love, the genuine, accidental love, holds everything together.
You have no control over who and what you really love. You can fool yourself temporarily, but your feelings are basic. You can, however follow your desires with grace and humility rather than resisting it, or with an illusion of control.
Because they are awesome? Then again, I would posit that all feelings are mutual, just people are varying degrees of aware of these feelings.
I totally relate to this. Stay open, unbound, I say.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Three days after I posted this thread I met the love of my life. I am blown away by the timing.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
^Happy to hear that CH 
As for your initial questions, I think it is possible to control who you fall in love with, to a certain extent. As you said, it's always possible to feel it starting to come on at some point, and IME at that point it's not too difficult to take a step back and let the feelings dissipate if they're unwanted. However, I do also think that once it gets past a certain point there sadly isn't much we can do about it. So when it comes to free will...I guess it's really just about knowing yourself and recognising the 'warning' signs.
I've had moments where I've told myself I'd rather not love anyone and I'd be happier on my own, but I do think that would make life pretty bland. As for loving someone who doesn't love you back, well it's rarely a choice is it...I'm not sure anyone really relishes in that kind of situation.
As for your initial questions, I think it is possible to control who you fall in love with, to a certain extent. As you said, it's always possible to feel it starting to come on at some point, and IME at that point it's not too difficult to take a step back and let the feelings dissipate if they're unwanted. However, I do also think that once it gets past a certain point there sadly isn't much we can do about it. So when it comes to free will...I guess it's really just about knowing yourself and recognising the 'warning' signs.
I've had moments where I've told myself I'd rather not love anyone and I'd be happier on my own, but I do think that would make life pretty bland. As for loving someone who doesn't love you back, well it's rarely a choice is it...I'm not sure anyone really relishes in that kind of situation.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I still believe it's an illusion. I cannot say I am any happier with love in my life.
BlueSaffron
Bluelighter
Would it make life easier? Yes. Happier? No. I'll take the heartache. Being in love is worth it.
2) does anyone feel the same way I do? or do you think love is the caustic substance that keeps all of this together?
I just don't think it's that simple. We have free will in that even though you love someone, you can choose not to pursue them or be with them. But I feel like love is out of our hands. You have free will of how to handle your feelings, what to do or not to do. But free will over how you feel? No. People just click. When I met my bf I was with hella long, shit was complicated in both our lives. I wasn't even attracted to his "type". But somehow that shit just happened... and we ended up crazy, crazy in love. It didnt work out, but we did stay together a long time before it ended.
Because of how they make you feel. I'm in a situation kind of like that right now. I have feelings for my FWB. And I know that he likes me, and I think that he cares about me to a degree, but I know his feelings aren't like mine. The situation isn't going to go anywhere, and these feelings will most likely lead me to get hurt. But... I don't want to stop seeing him. I like seeing him... talking to him, kissing him, fucking him, making him happy. It makes ME happy. And all the while this is going on we both know that this is temporary. I know it makes more sense to either stop seeing him, or try to force myself not to feel how I do (even though I don't think that would work). But I don't even want to TRY to fight it. That's why they say love (although I'm not saying I love him) and attraction and lust are irrational. I know what the smart thing is to do, and I have no desire to do it. I'll see him til he doesn't want me anymore. *shrugs* It's just how it is.
Although.. I don't think my feelings would last very long if he had NONE for me.. if it was an "Im not interested, stay away" thing. That kind of obsession I don't understand.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Thank you for your reply
I have come to appreciate the love I have in my life for myself and my family
I think my attitude towards being aversed to love stems from non-coping on my part. I might be wrong though.
Much
for all the responses, I want to hear what you guys think.
I have come to appreciate the love I have in my life for myself and my family
I think my attitude towards being aversed to love stems from non-coping on my part. I might be wrong though.
Much
for all the responses, I want to hear what you guys think.
Teabag Johnny
Bluelighter
You do have Conventional Love & Unconditional Love.
Conditional love comes from ego and generally focuses on someone. When we love someone conditionally, we tend to want them to look, act, and think in ways that fit our own paradigms and expectations.
Unconditional love is a different animal. I've felt Unconditional love only twice. That was once at a church with family & strangers and once at a funeral. I'd say it was most definitely a spiritual moment. It brought tears to eyes both times with euphoria.
I still have feelings for an ex-girlfriend (2 year relationship) from over 10 years ago, and I still occasionally dream about her... but I love her like a sister. We haven't talked in years, but I still pray for the goodwill & blessings in her life. She's married now, and I'm genuinely happy for her as she is happy.
I'd say love is an emotion that we can't control.
Just embrace it and roll with it. Enjoy it
Conditional love comes from ego and generally focuses on someone. When we love someone conditionally, we tend to want them to look, act, and think in ways that fit our own paradigms and expectations.
Unconditional love is a different animal. I've felt Unconditional love only twice. That was once at a church with family & strangers and once at a funeral. I'd say it was most definitely a spiritual moment. It brought tears to eyes both times with euphoria.
I still have feelings for an ex-girlfriend (2 year relationship) from over 10 years ago, and I still occasionally dream about her... but I love her like a sister. We haven't talked in years, but I still pray for the goodwill & blessings in her life. She's married now, and I'm genuinely happy for her as she is happy.
I'd say love is an emotion that we can't control.
Just embrace it and roll with it. Enjoy it