LostWife is back again... Ugghhh

[sid3]

You didn't. That was more a reference to another poster who's having a hard time getting himself the help he needs.....

good for you for taking a difficult step, hopefully your more important than the drugs.

 

[jonaz]

hey wifie.
i don't have time to go through your whole situation in detail,
so my comment will not really be aimed straight at you in particular..
rather it is aimed at a generalized behavior that i witness in many women and men.

you can decide for yourself how much you have in common with this behavior,
and whether u want to it to continue or not.

many people think they need something to be happy.
sometimes people think it's drugs that'll make them happy, other times they think it's a partner in "love".
many times people think it's a mixture of all things pleasurous, but mixing different desires can be troublesome.

such as the desire for good health and using a lot of harmful drugs.
the desire for female or male company, and the desire to be selfish and get high and fuck all responsibilities.

i no longer believe that any true happiness can be found in something or some physical experience,
because all the good things have a bad side... and we all want the good without the bad but that never works.

the only thing that can make us happy is WE OURSELVES. how do we do that?
develop an interest in how your mind and emotions work. only then you will become more aware
of the games you play. how you deceive yourself. constantly.

life doesn't make anyone happy. look around. they're all running after happinness but never quite getting it.
except perhaps temporarily, for example during the high of a good drug.

but if you want happiness that lasts you can't depend on things other than yourself to make that happiness.
you don't love your husband as he is, you love him as you want him to be. that is why the way he is now, is making you unhappy.

i don't recommend you to go back to him, neither do i recommend you stay away from him.
every single human being have some deep soulsearching to do on what is really hurting us and what is really good for us.

unless we do that, we will keep purchasing the things that will supposedly make us happy but never reach that happiness, like a blind dog that keeps running with his head against the wall rather than through the open doorway.

in the part of ourself we are not conscious of there are lots of mental processes/energies that are working against us.
only by becoming aware of them can we begin to heal.

you would be much better able to help people like your husband if you would first help yourself,
because you obviously are emotionally dependent - and thus unstable - just like he is.
you are just depending on other things than him.

and some people, even if you are really skilled at helping people, will just never be able to be helped,
simply because they're not ready for it.

instead of spending all time and energy on people who aren't willing/ready to change,
we should try to spend it on those who are open for it.

which doesn't mean we should completely ignore and shun those not willing/ready to change.
but reminding them every so often is more than enough. it is not necessary to be with them every day.

and reminders they will get all the time anyway.
because when they don't get them from us, they will get them from other people, and simply life in general.

 

[Georgie25]

Actually, last night was my final straw... I confronted him, and when he lied straight to my face and proceded to lie, i told him either he just comes clean or i'm leaving... so i went and packed some bags and left...

I told him how much i loved him, but i will not put up with his behavior any longer. I dont deserve this, i dont deserve to be lied to, snuck around on, and a husband who is decietful and not willing to change...

It was the hardest thing packing that bag, and even at the door i stopped one more time to ask him if this is really the way he wanted to handle this.. He said i was being selfish and it's my decision.. So out i went..

This morning when i drove by our apartment to go to work his car wasnt home.. He's not the type to wake up at 6 am and he doesnt have work right now, so i have no clue how he handled my leaving, but he wasnt there...

I guess all i can do now is wait for him to realize that i'm really dead serious, and pray that he see's i'm only doing this out of love... There's nothing i want more than to be with him and to have a home and children some day. a future where there is no lies no drugs, just honesty and trust...

I'm not taking him back until i see some concrete steps to recovery then i will stand by him and support him and cheer him on and encourage him.. until then i REFUSE to go down this road a third time, i REFUSE to put up with it another minute...

I deserve much better than this...

I just hope he wants the same things...

Im glad you had the courage to do what you did. He obviously doesn't care about you the same way you care about him if he's calling you the selfish one as he just lied to you and you're walking out the door.

I think you're life will be much better w/o him.

 

[Bojangles69]

Actually, last night was my final straw... I confronted him, and when he lied straight to my face and proceded to lie, i told him either he just comes clean or i'm leaving... so i went and packed some bags and left...

I told him how much i loved him, but i will not put up with his behavior any longer. I dont deserve this, i dont deserve to be lied to, snuck around on, and a husband who is decietful and not willing to change...

It was the hardest thing packing that bag, and even at the door i stopped one more time to ask him if this is really the way he wanted to handle this.. He said i was being selfish and it's my decision.. So out i went..

This morning when i drove by our apartment to go to work his car wasnt home.. He's not the type to wake up at 6 am and he doesnt have work right now, so i have no clue how he handled my leaving, but he wasnt there...

I guess all i can do now is wait for him to realize that i'm really dead serious, and pray that he see's i'm only doing this out of love... There's nothing i want more than to be with him and to have a home and children some day. a future where there is no lies no drugs, just honesty and trust...

I'm not taking him back until i see some concrete steps to recovery then i will stand by him and support him and cheer him on and encourage him.. until then i REFUSE to go down this road a third time, i REFUSE to put up with it another minute...

I deserve much better than this...

I just hope he wants the same things...

Lostwife you are an awesome lady whether or not this situation ends here or continues and you guys get back together.
It just so much better for your well being to cut a situation off sooner than later - thats heading towards destruction anyway. You are not being flighty I'd say you're being rather smart by leaving.

Whats perhaps the worse is when I see women who have actually became more attached to their man JUST BECAUSE they've exhausted so much energy trying to fix him (and for no other reason at all).
Thats why its important to get out sooner than later. You don't even have to be out of this world crazy about the guy, but if you wind up investing time trying to fix him, and when he DOESN'T get fixed, it will scorn you greatly. If you've wasted 5... 10 years trying to fix a drug addict you inevitably cross the "event horizon" where once you stay long enough, theres no possibility of getting out.
What I mean is the more time that goes by that he doesn't get better, the more insecure you feel about your own abilities ("maybe he's not getting better because I'm doing something wrong"), and the more you try to redeem yourself by future years of wasted efforts. You eventually can adapt to the drama and become use to living with a sick man for your entire life. I've seen it happen as these situations although always devasting, do not always resolve in a split up. People DO stay together in misery because marraige becomes such an institution and lifestyle that it becomes impossible to unlearn bad habits and escape.

You sound like a GREAT woman, you really do. You sound very articulate and focused. You're inquistive, you analyze things and will admit to what you don't know for the sake of learning, thats what SMART people do. You also sound very easy to get along with. You haven't snapped at a single post or person, you are patient, and as far as Im concerned a great catch.
Now.. you obviously don't see any of that because its your nature, we don't really see whats so natural to ourselves as its always on autopilot outside our true realm of focus. But, my point is, you DO NOT deserve a single thing that he is doing to you right now.
There are hundreds of thousands of great men out there who would cut off their testicles to be with a woman like you. Never lose focus of who you are in life, what you deserve, and where you want to be in the near future.. because its very simple for even nonaddicts to lose direction in life.

Tell yourself "I'm a strong woman, I deserve better" BELIEVE YOURSELF, then all you have to do is act like that.
Regardless of what happens here, whether you make up and this happens again, just NEVER forget what I wrote here in this thread at this time of your life.

 

[LostWife]

Lostwife you are an awesome lady whether or not this situation ends here or continues and you guys get back together.
It just so much better for your well being to cut a situation off sooner than later - thats heading towards destruction anyway. You are not being flighty I'd say you're being rather smart by leaving.

Whats perhaps the worse is when I see women who have actually became more attached to their man JUST BECAUSE they've exhausted so much energy trying to fix him (and for no other reason at all).
Thats why its important to get out sooner than later. You don't even have to be out of this world crazy about the guy, but if you wind up investing time trying to fix him, and when he DOESN'T get fixed, it will scorn you greatly. If you've wasted 5... 10 years trying to fix a drug addict you inevitably cross the "event horizon" where once you stay long enough, theres no possibility of getting out.
What I mean is the more time that goes by that he doesn't get better, the more insecure you feel about your own abilities ("maybe he's not getting better because I'm doing something wrong"), and the more you try to redeem yourself by future years of wasted efforts. You eventually can adapt to the drama and become use to living with a sick man for your entire life. I've seen it happen as these situations although always devasting, do not always resolve in a split up. People DO stay together in misery because marraige becomes such an institution and lifestyle that it becomes impossible to unlearn bad habits and escape.

You sound like a GREAT woman, you really do. You sound very articulate and focused. You're inquistive, you analyze things and will admit to what you don't know for the sake of learning, thats what SMART people do. You also sound very easy to get along with. You haven't snapped at a single post or person, you are patient, and as far as Im concerned a great catch.
Now.. you obviously don't see any of that because its your nature, we don't really see whats so natural to ourselves as its always on autopilot outside our true realm of focus. But, my point is, you DO NOT deserve a single thing that he is doing to you right now.
There are hundreds of thousands of great men out there who would cut off their testicles to be with a woman like you. Never lose focus of who you are in life, what you deserve, and where you want to be in the near future.. because its very simple for even nonaddicts to lose direction in life.

Tell yourself "I'm a strong woman, I deserve better" BELIEVE YOURSELF, then all you have to do is act like that.
Regardless of what happens here, whether you make up and this happens again, just NEVER forget what I wrote here in this thread at this time of your life.

Thank you so very much for your kind words and encouragement. It's very much appreciated right now, this is a sucky time. i'm so blessed that i have a good support system around me right now. My in-laws and my parents are being so supportive and kind to me.

My husband called my brother in-law this morning. My brother in law said that they were just chatting then my husband said, "oh my wife left me." My brother in law asked him "What?! Why??" and my husband went on to tell him why, and my brother in law suggested that he go take a drug test and come to me with the results to PROVE that he's clean (which is what he's claiming) my husband said things like "No, i dont need to do that, they dont know what they're doing''.. Stupid things like that. My brother in law said he was just thinking, MAN if my wife did that to me and i was innocent, there's NOTHING i wouldnt do to try to win her back and prove to her that i was innocent... By him not being willing to do a drug test is just him admitting that he is still using...
My brother in law said my husband is acting like the victim, and basically saying i'm a crazy bitch when i have concrete evidence and months and months of unexplained behavior, secret friends, two phones on and on behavior a normal person doesnt do.

My husband did tell my bro-in-law that he WILL NOT be calling me, or trying to reach out to me anytime soon. He said he will NOT cave... Soo i really need strength here to do everything i absolutely can to stick with what i am doing here now... I already feel weak, and scared..

I never ever ever thought i'd deal with this sort of issue..

 

[edgewise1]

I think you did the correct thing LW, and here's to having the "balls" to do so! It does seem your husband is more in love with his drug than you atm. But things can change. Your right about not deserving this. My ex-wife was right about not deserving the lies and debt I piled on her plate. Demand those concrete steps you spoke of. Talk to him about taking the drug test, and not just the once. Of course this will take until the point that you two are back together. Marriage counseling may also help as your husband has something in his life that using drugs helps him deal with. He needs to recognize what it is and get a handle on it, and counseling can/will help. I thought I could do it by myself and failed miserable three times before I realized this, but by then it was too late. Accept nothing else but the truth from him.

 

[Bojangles69]

Thank you so very much for your kind words and encouragement. It's very much appreciated right now, this is a sucky time. i'm so blessed that i have a good support system around me right now. My in-laws and my parents are being so supportive and kind to me.

My husband called my brother in-law this morning. My brother in law said that they were just chatting then my husband said, "oh my wife left me." My brother in law asked him "What?! Why??" and my husband went on to tell him why, and my brother in law suggested that he go take a drug test and come to me with the results to PROVE that he's clean (which is what he's claiming) my husband said things like "No, i dont need to do that, they dont know what they're doing''.. Stupid things like that. My brother in law said he was just thinking, MAN if my wife did that to me and i was innocent, there's NOTHING i wouldnt do to try to win her back and prove to her that i was innocent... By him not being willing to do a drug test is just him admitting that he is still using...
My brother in law said my husband is acting like the victim, and basically saying i'm a crazy bitch when i have concrete evidence and months and months of unexplained behavior, secret friends, two phones on and on behavior a normal person doesnt do.

My husband did tell my bro-in-law that he WILL NOT be calling me, or trying to reach out to me anytime soon. He said he will NOT cave... Soo i really need strength here to do everything i absolutely can to stick with what i am doing here now... I already feel weak, and scared..

I never ever ever thought i'd deal with this sort of issue..

Wow that urks me like nothing else. He's going to play the high and righteous card at a time he should be using to turn his life around.

One thing I can tell you right now that may drive you crazy is the lengths he will go to to cover his own ass. There are addicts in this world who have such personal relations with their drug of choice that they view it like their dirty little secret that noone has the right to know about.

Like you may have things you do throughout the day that you never tell anyone about because maybe their weird or not socially acceptable. Maybe its as simple as picking your nose when noones around lol. But at the same time those types of habits are not destructive. Your husband is likely to view his addiction as a harmless behavoir that serves him, and as long as its not "ruining" (very relative word) his life he most likely feels noone has to know the true extent of it.
But he doesn't see what drugs are doing to the people around him, as all he prob cares about is his private time to get high. Appease the wife while shes around (or try) and when shes gone go into my happy ritual time. As long as he can appear to be conforming to normalcy somewhat, he is blind to the destruction hes causing everywhere. Thats denial at its best.. or worst shall I say.

I just hate it because we can't tell you in 5 years hes gonna be living on the streets and homeless. He can very well be independent at that point, and just living in a cheaper place to support his habit. And he may very well just find a woman who accepts his problems because she has the same problems he does. And you CAN NOT feel bad about that at all. Because he will never really live a fulfilling life.

The thing I REALLY want you to focus on here however is NOT his drug problem. Its the PERSON he is. I've used soooo many drugs for sooo long, and have NEVER EVER lost the ability to be honest and straight forward with people. Even when it doesn't serve me if you ask me if I'm using, I just can't say no. Luckily noone asks though. Or maybe noone asks because they think they may hear yes. But this is my point. He's not on the streets shooting 10 bags of dope a day, hes still very much able to present some image of stability.. even with everything going on. BUT, he still by choice chooses to lie to his wife, his brotherinlaw, and likely anyone who asks.

He tells stories about where he is, makes up excuses that are bullshit, and a huge problem here is people on this forum are gonna say "thats normal hes a drug addict". I have a very different view towards that.

An honest person doesn't start using drugs then just become a liar. I honestly don't even think years of time can do that to someone.
A truely honest person in fact will go to no length to cover up the truth no matter what kind of crap they're going through.

You have people on this forum who were never really honest people to begin, they start using then lie more and say "the drugs turned me into a liar". Then they get off the drugs and are still basically dishonest, I see it too much in NA. Same way you see some guy on the news abuse steroids then murder his family. All the media compensated drs say "steroids made him kill" which is as true as the statement that "guns kill". People kill, not guns. That guy who murdered his family also had bipolar disorder, intermittent anger disorder, was on amphetamines, alcohol and a whole host of other things. Steroids didn't make him kill anyone. He was born a crazy fuck and noone could understand that, so they blamed steroids.

People are born liars, and its all too convenient to blame the drugs. Its possible drugs put us in a mind state that makes it easier to lie, but how do drugs make you lose respect for the truth? There needs to be a strong incliniation to lie already before drugs push you that extra little bit. I mean if you're hallucinating on LCD or PCP everyday or doing something that has profound effects on the brain its likely you'll lie because you don't know what the hell you're doing.

But your husband KNOWS what he's doing.
And thats why, only relative to this situation, I think lying is too easy for him. He may be honest about certain things, but when he NEEDS to lie I don't think he's the type of man to have a single hang up about it.

THATS WHY I'm adamant about you getting away from him. Its one thing to at least try owning up to an addiction, but he lies like the truth has no relevance at all in this world.. and I have no idea what world hes living in. At my worst point on drugs I still felt like a piece of shit when I just thought about lying about little things. And I can't understand how or what makes it so easy for your husband. Maybe hes a salesmen for a living and has different ethics on telling the truth... but for christ sake your his wife. Even if that was the case its still no excuse whatsoever.

Your husband may very well play the victim till its too late and he really DOES become the victim (to the war on drugs). Theres no telling if that will ever really happen, but you need to think about yourself and your own well being. Men can be very arrogant cocky bastards in situations such as these. Anytime my buddies girl asks about his oxy habit he laughs it off and says "babe what are you crazy? Comeon I use them for pain and I don't even take them everyday (laughn about it like hes laughing at his own funeral)". His girl eats it up thanks to denial, and I get to see him rail a handful of them when shes not around, then again.. and again... and then a few days later he comes back vomiting and shaking looking for a fix I don't have. EVERY SINGLE woman he has ever been with has eventually left him because of the drugs.
The charisma and personality become no match to the lies, drama and outright stupidity.

I just really want you to realize how important this time of your life is. You DO NOT have a suboxone to take to get over him.. or an adderal, he DOES. In fact, as long as he has any kind of drugs like that in his system, you may not want to expect a lot of emotions on his side. Untill of course a few weeks pass, he inevitably can't score, withdrawals start, and your phone starts ringing off the hook because he just had a few hours to feel what his life has actually become.
It ALWAYS happens so expect it. The same way I said you can't take a drug, is the same way it becomes your strength. Because that strength will never EVER wear away.. while his has a very short expiration date. That I guarantee.

At this moment just use your family to talk, vent, and to keep reclarifying the reasons why this decision is so important. Your family can very much help you understand those reasons when you think you're about to break. Give it some time and gauge his behavoir. Does he call? Is he even curious to see what you're up to? Or does he continue making excuses and lying about things? Does he call you the crazy bitch?

I hate to say it, but after however many years you've been together, this may now be the first time you're ever discovering who you really married.

We will be here for you so please do continue to update in these approaching days, g/nite! - Bo

 

[edgewise1]

^^^really good post! A+^^^

 

[Georgie25]

Yep, I hope you listen to Bojangles advice. Just the mere facts of him lying, playing the victim, and refusing to even acknowledge you or attempt to make things right by calling you should be enough to get far away as possible from this guy.

I can bet he is right now on a drug binge so he could care less about anything except keeping up his high. But the high, money, and supply don't last long. Soon enough he'll come back down to somewhat of a reality (withdrawals) and try to replace his longing for the drugs with you yet again.
That's when you really need to remember how much he "cared" about you now.

 

[LostWife]

Thanks again BoJangles for your thoughts.. You sound like you know exactly what your talking about, thank you for your advice and words.. I am taking everything here into serious consideration...
It's interesting what you said about dont think about the person that he is on drugs, think about just who he is as a person, about the lying and dishonesty not only being part of his use, but also who he is as a person... I started thinking about when i was in high school and i partied and my parents would as me if i was drinking, yeah sometimes i would lie and say no just to get them off of my back and i always felt guilty that i lied, but ESPECIALLY when i knew they knew i of course said yes.. Then i would deal with the consequenses, but it would always feel better that i just got it out and they knew and i didnt have to keep it burried inside of me...

And when you said "But your husband KNOWS what he's doing.
And thats why, only relative to this situation, I think lying is too easy for him. He may be honest about certain things, but when he NEEDS to lie I don't think he's the type of man to have a single hang up about it." I think your right on the money!

Thanks so much for that post, It's very kind of you to take time out of your life to give advice to a stranger. and good advice at that. All of you here have been so kind to me, and i'm extremely greatful for the insight and support i've received here..

And Gorgie, your right, he is on a binge right now.. My brother in law talked to him again yesterday and said he could tell within a minute he wasnt right. He said that my husband kept repeating himself and making no sense, sounds like it might be worse than before, but of course he doesnt have me around to notice if he's messed up or not so he probably doesnt care..

My brother in-law asked my husband again to go get a drug test to prove us all wrong, and again Hubby said No... Bro in law said that My husband was acting like he completely didnt seem to care, and like nothing at all has happened...

I dont know if he's just having a huge pity-party for himself, dealing with it the only way he know's how, or if he really doesnt care? It's certainly not showing through his actions.. ugghhh....

Like i think i said, The night i left he took off to the casino, and he was up all night again... My brother in law said he talked to him around 10 AM the next day- so he was up all day and all night after a "vacation" that involved my grandmas funeral which included alot of staying up late and hanging out with fam etc. Quite draining.. I'm still not even caught up on sleep from it, so i'm guessing that him being able to stay up all night then come back around 10 Am then he told My brother in law he was going to meet some "buddies" and he wouldnt tell my brother in law their names, which is wierd...I'm guessing the reason he stayed up all night might have been the adderall?? I dont know...

 

[telepathetic]

Gosh, everyone just lay off the guy. If he abuses amphetamines enough he'll want to quit on his own eventually. It doesn't seem like its affecting him too bad (if you say he still treats you like a queen-- thats what matters right?). Maybe get him to know he can tell you, don't try to monitor or control it, just so you know.
I think posting this in TDS might get a bit of bias'd answers. It's 100% not okay that hes hiding it from you, but as far as I can see he's just a bit bored of his life routine, do something with him, take a vacatoin, or
[please do not post unconstructive advice in threads like this - n3o]

 

[organicmusic]

i wouldn't listen to the above posts too much. Mr. Yourtman what is your daily drug intake? I'm sure a true answer to this question would help things be a bit more clear.

It seems clear that your husband has been lying a bunch, which is not what builds a strong relationship, you're worried about him and he seems to be lying and doing whatever he can to stay high.

Also she stated clearly that he has treated her badly at times, which seem directly related to drug use.

But to give Yourtman some credit I think saying you know he is using and want to help him through this could be a good idea. If he still denies everything at this point, then I hope you know what to do. You've already been pretty understanding so far

 

[telepathetic]

I honestly think posting this in TDS might get some biased answers. And I think that plain and simple, you need to work with him or let him be, and leaving him unless your not happy because of it is bullocks.

 

[boltfan909]

Gosh, everyone just lay off the guy. If he abuses amphetamines enough he'll want to quit on his own eventually. It doesn't seem like its affecting him too bad (if you say he still treats you like a queen-- thats what matters right?). Maybe get him to know he can tell you, don't try to monitor or control it, just so you know. Maybe smoke some pot with him.
I think posting this in TDS might get a bit of bias'd answers. It's 100% not okay that hes hiding it from you, but as far as I can see he's just a bit bored of his life routine, do something with him, take a vacatoin, or SMOKE SOME POT.

Also, to everyone saying to leave him, what kind of bullshit is that to encourage? Ending a marriage where he treats her well except for a drug "problem"? Gtfo.

Edit just read some more of the thread. If you left him over that, then I see you as a person who followed the wrong advice. Your left your husband, who you promised when marrying him that you'd support him no matter what because he feels like he has to lie to you for some reason. If he is an addict (which from reading, I doubt) you should support him thru it no matter what. Or support him thru it for the rest of his life. He's probably going to spiral even worse out of control. Love is about caring about a person and doing whats best for them. If leaving him would have helped him, then it was out of love. But that is not helping him, he's going to loose it all, good job.

You can't be serious... Bored with his everyday life routine?? So he goes on Addy binges and lies/neglects his family life? Sorry man, that is far from being true.

Also, most people that do amphetamines do not just STOP. A good portion of them are lifers, and the few that just "stop" normally do so because they either got in serious trouble with the law or something very dramatic happened in their life (do to the drugs). She did the absolute best thing she could have done, and that's take a stand. She hasn't legally divorced the guy, but she is letting him know what he is doing is NOT ok.

I'd like to see your answers to the above posters questions as well.

 

[LostWife]

Just like boltfan said, it's not like I've divorced him... I won't stand for the lying and the sneaking around, the secret friends etc... This is a marriage, a two way street, give and take.. We're supposed to be a team...

How am I supposed to be there for my husband and support him and love him, when he's doing this to me? It just comes to a point where you can't handle it any more... I've tried to give him chances, last time I caught him using I told him he can always come to me if he's feeling the urge to use, that I would be there to help him through it, as long as he was TRYING to live a sober life.. I understand that he's human and people make mistakes, people fall sometimes, and that's life.. I could be a lot more understanding if he was making an effort to be clean, and if he messed up then oh well, well start over and go from there...

But he didn't do that... He told me what I wanted to hear and then continued down the same path.. He didn't make one inkling of an effort to stop or change...

I love him so much and the fact that I'm away from him right now scares the shit out of me.. The fact that I actually left is insane.. I can't believe I did it and I'm here going through a living he'll, and he doesn't care... He's out partying and hanging out with his mystery buddies, well I'm over here feeling like I'm mourning over him.. It's absolutely not something I did lightly, I chose to do this after tons and tons of thought and LOTS of advice...

I have to tell you, you're saying not to listen to everyones advice here, but I have been getting the EXACT same advice from people outside of this forum... I have two people I can talk to in my life, and neither of them know anything about drugs, and all three of us have dove into extensive research, trying to figure this stuff out so I didn't make a stupid move, a stupid choice..

I absolutely did this to show him how dead serious I am, and yes take a stand for myself, because I have NEVER done that since we've been married... When I don't want to do things, he smooth talks me into them, if I say I don't agree with him he smooth talks it into making sense.. But it has gone on long enough...

I couldn't possibly imagine that you would stay in a relationship where someone walked all over you, lied and manipulated you..

He hides drugs in my house, he's taken my car to go get drugs, he disappears for hours, I can't do it any more...

When I said he treats me like a queen I meant he spoils me when he can... He's trying to live a double life, and idk, maybe he just started losing control...

I did make those vows to be with him for better or worse, and yes right now is worse, and I stuck it out as long as I could, but now I have to leave to show him what he's gonna lose if he doesn't get help... The ball is in his court now...

 

[Moguta]

Do NOT listen to yourtman. I'm sure he's still in the love phase of using drugs. Drugs are still filling all the holes in his life and not creating any.

I imagine your husband has been so caught up in deceiving the people around him whilst using drugs that now that people are cluing into it and pulling him up on it he doesn't want to admit to himself that it's all falling apart. Give it some time - til he comes down hard and then he'll have some time to analyze himself and his life without the drugs to warp his perception. I have a friend who lies to me compulsively about all facets of his drug use and has done for a while now - he knows I can see through him but he still does it to avoid the conversations and confrontations that come with honesty in this area.

 

[telepathetic]

Do NOT listen to yourtman. I'm sure he's still in the love phase of using drugs. Drugs are still filling all the holes in his life and not creating any.

I imagine your husband has been so caught up in deceiving the people around him whilst using drugs that now that people are cluing into it and pulling him up on it he doesn't want to admit to himself that it's all falling apart. Give it some time - til he comes down hard and then he'll have some time to analyze himself and his life without the drugs to warp his perception. I have a friend who lies to me compulsively about all facets of his drug use and has done for a while now - he knows I can see through him but he still does it to avoid the conversations and confrontations that come with honesty in this area.

As I said, I think TDS might be a bit biased. I think many people, like this ^ think that all drug use is an addiction just because their experiance and their willpower wasn't strong enough to overcome a drug's.
@Moguta: There are plenty of people who can use drugs responsibly, just because you couldn't doesn't mean that "eventually it'll end up the same". I personally don't use many drugs, nor do I take any often, but I know people who are very responsible. And from the picture LostWife has painted, there's no evidence to say he is being irresponsible or hurting his life, or that it ever will. If it ever does, thats when that problem needs to be addressed. At the moment, if the man wants to use drugs, let him explore his own world, for fucks sake. I think you both need to work on trust issues, and address his hiding it from yuo, and your judgement of it. I also think its a bit irresonsible to judge your relationship based on an online drug forum (of ex-junkies, especially).

 

[Moguta]

@ Vourtman: did you actually read the previous thread from lostwife?
It's a recurring problem and he's been using different drugs behind the backs of people close to him and blowing money that he really shouldn't be on it. Looks like he's an addict - to be honest. Not a recreational user.
But yes I fully understand and support the idea of responsible drug use - it's a side of life that is frowned upon by 'society' and is VERY dangerous but it's one that can be a lot of fun if it's indulged in responsibly. Unfortunately not all people can have a little bit here and there.

 

[edgewise1]

LW, you have nothing to apoligize for, nor do you have to defend your decision to ANYone. You did what you saw as the correct action to take. As said above the poster may still be in love with his doc and apparently has no relationships where drugs would interfere or present a problem. If they did then they may have a different tune to sing!

 

[Georgie25]

LW, you have nothing to apoligize for, nor do you have to defend your decision to ANYone. You did what you saw as the correct action to take. As said above the poster may still be in love with his doc and apparently has no relationships where drugs would interfere or present a problem. If they did then they may have a different tune to sing!

This.

Please keep us updated on your situation.