The essential bits: arrested several days ago on felony possession charge. I have long been told by others that my addiction would ruin me and I too have often thought this. Now, choosing none-sober living (while still a choice) would be disgustingly irrational and permanently detrimental in ways I had not envisioned. I'm getting sober and I need your help.
I function like a pendulum; I swing from a state of crisis and hyperbolic obsession, typically induced by the consequences of my use, to utter irrationality, stupidity, and vile selfishness. When I wish to use and seek out substances (primarily heroin, although I have an affinity for all CNS-depressants) I am capable of being reckless, putting myself in incredibly risk situations which could comprise my ability to be an acceptable member of society, hold a job, find housing, enjoy freedom, etc.. I have risked death by ingesting a variety of CNS-depressants (a typical day in the life of my use only a year ago would include several benzos in high dosages alongside several prescription opiates and even muscle relaxants. At a very young age, I have already been hospitalized on nearly 10 different occasions, yet I still found a way to justify my use. The resources, connections, relationships, intellect, and opportunities I either possessed or could have fostered have all but disappeared. I fortunately have not managed to entirely bungle my education (I attend an elite university), but in the past few years I have taken fewer courses each semester, albeit while maintaining a high GPA. I still fortunately have some parental and familial support, as well as a few friends who have hung in there (many have moved on as my anticipated year of graduation has come and gone, but this may all be for not, a moot point. A conviction, would obliterate nearly every option to hold a salaried position. Prison is certainly the legal consequence if a plea is not accepted. Fortunately, I do have solid legal representation, I should be merely (huh, merely) challenging a possession charge, and this would be my first felony charge. Fortunately, a deferment program also exists within my state that would be equivalent to a dropped charge, nor would any felony appear on my record, but I wish not to get ahead of myself. I a drug-addict -- self-confessed. I use because I depressed, anxious, suffer from low self-esteem, wish to escape reality, disengage from emotional living, but moreover, because I am addicted. I graduated from prescription opiates to heroin, without realizing the severity of damage I was causing myself and those around me. I have tormented my body, my brain. My mental dexterity now holds the consistency of gelatin. From a witty agile teen with high fucking test scores, a sense of pride and confidence, to a shell of a human-being, disinterested in the learning I thirsted for only several years ago. I am flaccid creature, disconnected from emotional processing. Fleeting relationships now replace a once steady-diet of SO's (I haven't been in a relationship in nearly 5 years). I am withdrawn, a morose figure in the shadows. I have soiled the thousands if not hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on me by parents wishing nothing more for me than to succeed, and now fucking this. But it is a simple continuation of the pool, which is apparently not bottomless. They talk about hitting "that bottom", but whenever I reach a point of complete desperation, it seems I am only looking up from a view which has been distorted by my ever continuing descent. I only glimpse rays of light as I propel myself downwards.
I wish to stop this. Not just to hopefully avoid the unbearable consequences that could result immediately from the legal consequences of my actions, but from the retched life I have been living. I am fucking miserable. My way is not working. I have deceived myself into thinking that I know the answers. I'm incredibly stubborn, have brushed off advice, 12-step groups, ultimately any form of advice that did not coincide with my way of thinking. Clearly, my way does not fucking work. So in a sense, I am ready to surrender. The first few days following my arrest, I lay in bed, unable to force myself to do much of anything. I also abruptly stopped using the day of my arrest. But now, weak, fatigued, and anxious, as I am, I'm trying to actually do this shit correctly. Not simply because it is of vital importance as it pertains to my legal standing, but to my fundamental well-being. I want to be a functional adult, a member of society, a moral and responsible individual, not some fucking drug addict. I have been attending AA/NA meetings daily and am in cue for an intensive out-patient program. I've cut the boy cold-turkey, and while the diarrhea is severe and I am convinced I have permanently damaged my GI tract, I'm capable of going to working and class. An aside: I have never found opiate use to be so extremely unbearable that I could not function after several days and I had been using nearly everyday this month upwards of a gram a day intranasal (I assume to truly get the horrific results once must be banging for months on end). Benzo withdrawal is far more unbearable. Months out I have still felt tormented (apparently it can last years). Fortunately I do have a prescription and only used as prescribed at this point. But irrespective, some advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I have fucked up my life royally and this is just the most recent incarnation in my crude journey of fuck ups I have unnecessarily dragged myself and my family through. Friends several years ago tried an intervention, but seemingly at this point could not be bothered to care about my situation in any truly impactful way (nor would I expect them to, as many of them are now working salaried positions or fully fed up with my habit). I am not trying to fall an deeper. Help me out fellas.
I function like a pendulum; I swing from a state of crisis and hyperbolic obsession, typically induced by the consequences of my use, to utter irrationality, stupidity, and vile selfishness. When I wish to use and seek out substances (primarily heroin, although I have an affinity for all CNS-depressants) I am capable of being reckless, putting myself in incredibly risk situations which could comprise my ability to be an acceptable member of society, hold a job, find housing, enjoy freedom, etc.. I have risked death by ingesting a variety of CNS-depressants (a typical day in the life of my use only a year ago would include several benzos in high dosages alongside several prescription opiates and even muscle relaxants. At a very young age, I have already been hospitalized on nearly 10 different occasions, yet I still found a way to justify my use. The resources, connections, relationships, intellect, and opportunities I either possessed or could have fostered have all but disappeared. I fortunately have not managed to entirely bungle my education (I attend an elite university), but in the past few years I have taken fewer courses each semester, albeit while maintaining a high GPA. I still fortunately have some parental and familial support, as well as a few friends who have hung in there (many have moved on as my anticipated year of graduation has come and gone, but this may all be for not, a moot point. A conviction, would obliterate nearly every option to hold a salaried position. Prison is certainly the legal consequence if a plea is not accepted. Fortunately, I do have solid legal representation, I should be merely (huh, merely) challenging a possession charge, and this would be my first felony charge. Fortunately, a deferment program also exists within my state that would be equivalent to a dropped charge, nor would any felony appear on my record, but I wish not to get ahead of myself. I a drug-addict -- self-confessed. I use because I depressed, anxious, suffer from low self-esteem, wish to escape reality, disengage from emotional living, but moreover, because I am addicted. I graduated from prescription opiates to heroin, without realizing the severity of damage I was causing myself and those around me. I have tormented my body, my brain. My mental dexterity now holds the consistency of gelatin. From a witty agile teen with high fucking test scores, a sense of pride and confidence, to a shell of a human-being, disinterested in the learning I thirsted for only several years ago. I am flaccid creature, disconnected from emotional processing. Fleeting relationships now replace a once steady-diet of SO's (I haven't been in a relationship in nearly 5 years). I am withdrawn, a morose figure in the shadows. I have soiled the thousands if not hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on me by parents wishing nothing more for me than to succeed, and now fucking this. But it is a simple continuation of the pool, which is apparently not bottomless. They talk about hitting "that bottom", but whenever I reach a point of complete desperation, it seems I am only looking up from a view which has been distorted by my ever continuing descent. I only glimpse rays of light as I propel myself downwards.
I wish to stop this. Not just to hopefully avoid the unbearable consequences that could result immediately from the legal consequences of my actions, but from the retched life I have been living. I am fucking miserable. My way is not working. I have deceived myself into thinking that I know the answers. I'm incredibly stubborn, have brushed off advice, 12-step groups, ultimately any form of advice that did not coincide with my way of thinking. Clearly, my way does not fucking work. So in a sense, I am ready to surrender. The first few days following my arrest, I lay in bed, unable to force myself to do much of anything. I also abruptly stopped using the day of my arrest. But now, weak, fatigued, and anxious, as I am, I'm trying to actually do this shit correctly. Not simply because it is of vital importance as it pertains to my legal standing, but to my fundamental well-being. I want to be a functional adult, a member of society, a moral and responsible individual, not some fucking drug addict. I have been attending AA/NA meetings daily and am in cue for an intensive out-patient program. I've cut the boy cold-turkey, and while the diarrhea is severe and I am convinced I have permanently damaged my GI tract, I'm capable of going to working and class. An aside: I have never found opiate use to be so extremely unbearable that I could not function after several days and I had been using nearly everyday this month upwards of a gram a day intranasal (I assume to truly get the horrific results once must be banging for months on end). Benzo withdrawal is far more unbearable. Months out I have still felt tormented (apparently it can last years). Fortunately I do have a prescription and only used as prescribed at this point. But irrespective, some advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I have fucked up my life royally and this is just the most recent incarnation in my crude journey of fuck ups I have unnecessarily dragged myself and my family through. Friends several years ago tried an intervention, but seemingly at this point could not be bothered to care about my situation in any truly impactful way (nor would I expect them to, as many of them are now working salaried positions or fully fed up with my habit). I am not trying to fall an deeper. Help me out fellas.
