[Long Read] How can I enjoy psychedelics again ?

[Kishka]

Hello,

Will be a long post so sorry about that For the record : Female 24 years old.


I discovered psychedelics in 2009, when I came across in article about LSD. Back at the day I had no idea what the hell was LSD. My experience with drugs were limited to alcohol (which i used a lot) and nicotine (I quit smoking on January 1st 2017). Needless to say, a psychedelic trip was absolutely different from everything I've seen or read so far. I managed to purchased a tab of legit LSD back in May 2009 and had amazing visuals, euphoria, no signs of anything that could be called "body load" - just straight awesomeness. I really fell in love with the things psychedelics was showing to me.

I didn't trip a lot tho, the tripping was limited to approximately once per 3-6 months. I didn't do heroic dose but mostly regular (one tab of LSD), later on my friend introduced me in the world of research chemicals in July 2010 where I tried for the first time 4-HO-MET at 16mg (I had no informations about it since I had no clue research chemicals existed in the first place, my friend just told it was like Mushrooms).

The 4-HO-MET was great, so I managed to find vendors online and discovered a plethoria of psychedelics. I liked 4-HO-MET for the amazing visuals and the little mind fuck the drug has to offer.

The first problems began in 2011 - 2012 when I discovered Bluelight, Erowid, Shroomery, Reddit, drugs forum and so on.... Basically I read all the horror stories. Train-wreck trip? Check. Seizures? Check. Horrible body load? Check. I kinda knew that I am far out of the "heroic" territory, with my largest dose taken was around 35mg of 4-HO-MET.

Then each single time I was tripping started to notice things which I barely paid attention to before (aka in 2009 - 2011). Chills, hot flashes, anxiety, worrying about my heart-rate, feeling cold or "why I have this feeling in my stomach'. Focusing on them a bit unraveled all the other "bad effects" - chest tightness, gastric discomfort. I am still pretty sure that that would never happen if nobody would have told me or if I haven't read all these informations online.

The trips were just getting worse. Nothing special, sometimes mentally torturing and horrifying (feeling of dying), but I was just uncomfortable in my body and the euphoria ceased to appeared and each single time I would take benzodiazepine to calm down. I haven't had a single "good trip" for a while, just "mediocre" ones when I would be walking around too uncomfortable to enjoy things.

I then made a healthy well-informed democratic decision to cease with psychedelics altogether. Haven't taken a psychedelic in the last year. Unfortunately, this hasn't cured the issue. For example I was reading everything I could about 2C-C, proceed to take the 2C-C and then I just started noticing the same unpleasant things on 2C-C as I read earlier online.... I always had the "what if...." feeling (I mainly fear about sudden death, heart-attack, aneurysm).

The last time I did some AL-LAD (just half a tab) and still have the same problem - yeah, I got some visuals (with strong headspace though exacerbated by anxiety), but I just felt physically uncomfortable.
Over the last years I have also developed some general anxiety accompanying me all the time and I have anxiety disorder, I've been taking Xanax XR 0.5mg prescribed by my doctor everyday since 9 months ago.

Not crippling, but just some small background that doesn't interfere with my actions but just takes a bit of fun away from everyday life. And the anxiety just gets stronger when thinking about doing drugs. The idea of dropping some psychedelics in the evening makes me anxious instead of excited now. I tried preloading my trips with 0.25 of Alprazolam, that helps a bit but still afraid to do them.

I am healthy, doing fitness almost everyday, stop smoking cigarettes for good on January 1st 2017. I still can't fucking have a nice trip because I feel uncomfortable and I wasn't afraid at all back in 2009 - 2011 before I started reading everything I can about the substance on Erowid, Bluelight, Shroomery and so on...

A small example, today I was reading this : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3657019/ and I already have anxiety to take a 2C-x drug by now just by reading this. I'm scared of having sudden death or dropping dead, excited delirium like mentionned in the article..


Dear Bluelight, I want my magic back. Make tripping great again. Can you give me any advice on how to deal with this? What should I do/think/take to finally relax, forget the horror stories and enjoy myself?

I know some people will say take longer break but that's what I already done. I won't lie, I really love the effects of the psychedelics when I wasn't reading everything about them but now it seems I associate every feeling from what I read during my trips which make me afraid of something physically bad to happens. I must mention that my rooting fears from doing them is specially the physical side effect that can potentially kill me.

Today I was thinking of doing 2C-C again (a low dose like 30mg) but with the article I read earlier I'm scared now. I also read article about sudden death with stimulant use and even MDMA and now I'm also afraid to do them even a small dose... How can I reassure myself? I've seen a lot of people doing stimulants with large dose and they're still alive so...

How dear anxiety.... but realistically what are the chance of DYING from a 2C-x, Tryptamines, LSD, Stimulants with "normal" doses? (based on Erowid, PsychonautWiki)

Sorry for my English and thank you

 

[blistersinthedark]

I don't have much advice to offer, but please consider discontinuing Xanax as soon as you can. I don't understand why benzos get prescribed so easily. Have you considered psychotherapy (without medication) instead?
Do you have close friends you can talk to about these feelings/experiences?
What is your usual setting for tripping?

That said, I also have experienced some nocebo effects from psychs, partly from reading experience reports. In my case it was the worry that 4-subs caused some sort of kidney damage (turns out I just wasn't drinking enough water during my trips)

I have however experienced some pretty real physical discomfort on LSD and ALD-52, which interestingly seemed correlated to the amount of mental work I needed to do on the trip, as if all the stuff I was holding back was manifesting itself in physical sensations (mostly in the gut); as soon as I processed the more difficult thoughts, I noticed the sensations had gone away. Mind you this is me tripping at home, usually alone. Material comfort during a trip, i.e. having the option to just lie down for a bit, is absolutely essential.

 

[tokezu]

Well if you take some relatively obscure drug for the first time, it's not really out of the ordinary to be looking for cues of something going wrong, especially with the bodyload that the 2C-x are known for. That can easily lead to feeling anxious. Does LSD, for example, make you worry just the same, even though you did it before and it is known to be a very safe drug? The way you describe it it sounds to me like it is less about the psychedelic effects, but more about a general feeling of anxiety that is "just" increased by taking drugs, like maybe the drugs are just giving you something to focus your feeling of anxiety on, but the anxiety might still be there even without the drugs. So I would think it would probably best to try and work on the anxiety disorder.

As blistersinthedark I would also think that taking benzos daily can't really be a longterm solution. If your doctor seems content with just keeping on prescribing them maybe look around for another one?

And thumbs up for quitting cigarettes!

 

[Tranced]

Your English is always great Kishka

Your anxiety is clearly influencing the trips, and it makes me wonder how your anxiety is effecting the rest of your life and how the psychedelics are effectively highlighting this in quite a succinct manner? If you're prescribed xanax and worrying about things unnecessarily, then this sounds like something that you massively need to address, and a principle lesson offered up by psychedelics.

I'm unsure you will enjoy psychedelics so much until you workout how to overcome your anxiety. It seems that the horror stories are not so much the problem, but the way in which you are thinking about them. My dad worries about leaving the heating on, or doors unlocked. Of course, it's not the door or the heating system that's the problem. Devoting time to negative thinking can be (is) seriously detrimental, and it can quite easily sneak in and consume us.

Would you generally consider these worries that you've been experiencing regarding psychedelics to be irrational?

 

[Cream Gravy?]

Mind over matter.

Only you can convince yourself everything will be fine.

I just wana say bad body vibes come and go, some trips I get em, some I don't, even from the same batches. To me it's indicative of how I've been treating my mind and body; have I been sleeping well enough? Have I eaten a good diet? Have I been using too much alcohol? Lot's of things can effect a trip in my opinion and treating it reverently has always helped me lessen my issues. I also find that alcohol goes great with acid in creating a positive experience, as long as you don't push it.

It also helps to have activities to do, as just staying in has frequently led to thought loops and unwarranted anxiety for me.

 

[Kishka]

Hello,

Thanks everyone for answers. Well to avoid confusion, I'm already detoxing from Benzodiazepines, I was prescribed benzo when I was 17 by a doctor (Xanax 2mg x3/day) but then I live with my grandmother and I explained her about the benzo and I explained everything to my new doctor and he I have a plan with him for detoxing Xanax and I'm already proud to be at 0.5mg only once per day and it's extended release instead of immediate release like before.

Well, I guess it's some kind of irrational fear while tripping but I also have this "fear" from LSD or Shrooms. My back of my mind knows it's safe but there's still a part of my brain that thinks "But what if i'm the one to have this or that...", "what If i'm the first one to have heart attack or stroke while on Shrooms or LSD".

My main fears are worrying about physical condition, mostly heart-attack, stroke (I've done a heart check in the past and my heart was healthy) so I know it's mostly psychological but when anxiety strike during a trip it's really hard to deal with it since everything because irrationnal and yet convincing aswell...

So that's why I asked if 2C-X and Tryptamines are safe and that they won't make me dropping dead or something like that....

Like Tranced said, yeah my anxiety brings general irrationnal fear or fast worries about the smallest thing even while sober.

I'm taking any advices or tips!

Thank you

 

[unregisteredguest]

You're not going to die but don't take them if you have anxiety. I gave up most of em thanks to anxiety :/ if you think you're gonna have a bad time, you will. Mindset is key

 

[Bella Figura]

Work on learning how to manage your anxiety whilst sober and off of benzos, then it'll come much more naturally if you're having a psychedelic crisis.

Practice meditation on a daily basis, you already know on a rational level that you're not going to die or have a heart attack, realise it on an emotional level and you'll be tripping in no time.

 

[unregisteredguest]

^good advice

Also this will sound random but exercise. It always helps reduce anxiety for me big time! Especially with a big healthy meal to follow

 

[Xorkoth]

I will say that phenethylamines in general are less safe than tryptamines. Tryptamines are among the safest of all drugs, physically, as far as I know, no one has ever died from psilocin or the other 4-substituted tryptamines. There is virtually no chance of that ever happening even at huge overdoses, let alone regular doses. Lysergamides are the same, there has been one documented death from LSD alone in its whole history, and that person IVed 300mg (30,000 standard doses) thinking it was speed. The chances of dying from lysergamides is virtually zero. Or LSD at least. The others also seem safe, ALD-52 and 1p-LSD are basically the same as LSD, in fact a study seems to show that the LD-50 is even HIGHER for ALD-52 than LSD (meaning the lethal dose is higher).

2C-Xs are also pretty safe, people have died from combining 2C-T-7 and MDMA, and 2C-T-7 is probably the least safe one, but something like 2C-B, 2C-E... they seem very safe. But they are harder on your body. But for a healthy person such as yourself, the risk of dying or sustaining harm from a normal dose of a 2C-X is virtually zero. Still, probably less safe than tryptamines and lysergamides.

 

[Tranced]

My main fears are worrying about physical condition, mostly heart-attack, stroke (I've done a heart check in the past and my heart was healthy) so I know it's mostly psychological but when anxiety strike during a trip it's really hard to deal with it since everything because irrationnal and yet convincing aswell...

So that's why I asked if 2C-X and Tryptamines are safe and that they won't make me dropping dead or something like that....

Like Tranced said, yeah my anxiety brings general irrationnal fear or fast worries about the smallest thing even while sober.

I'm taking any advices or tips!

Thank you

I've just posted this in another thread, but basically you should read The Power Of Now. It gives important insight into the idea that you are not your ego/thoughts, and that there is freedom in observing them. I've never been much of a worrier, but in my experience this can lead to stopping such destructive thought processes from occurring.

The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle: Watching The Thinker

"What exactly do you mean by “watching the thinker”? When someone goes to the doctor and says, “I hear a voice in my head,” he or she will most likely be sent to a psychiatrist. The fact is that, in a very similar way, virtually everyone hears a voice, or several voices, in their head all the time: the involuntary thought processes that you don’t realize you have the power to stop. Continuous monologues or dialogues.

You have probably come across “mad” people in the street incessantly talking or muttering to themselves. Well, that’s not much different from what you and all other “normal” people do, except that you don’t do it out loud. The voice comments, speculates, judges, compares, complains, likes, dislikes, and so on. The voice isn’t necessarily relevant to the situation you find yourself in at the time; it may be reviving the recent or distant past or rehearsing or imagining possible future situations. Here it often imagines things going wrong and negative outcomes; this is called worry. Sometimes this soundtrack is accompanied by visual images or “mental movies.” Even if the voice is relevant to the situation at hand, it will interpret it in terms of the past. This is because the voice belongs to your conditioned mind, which is the result of all your past history as well as of the collective cultural mind-set you inherited. So you see and judge the present through the eyes of the past and get a totally distorted view of it. It is not uncommon for the voice to be a person’s own worst enemy. Many people live with a tormentor in their head that continuously attacks and punishes them and drains them of vital energy. It is the cause of untold misery and unhappiness, as well as of disease.

The good news is that you can free yourself from your mind. This is the only true liberation. You can take the first step right now. Start listening to the voice in your head as often as you can. Pay particular attention to any repetitive thought patterns, those old gramophone records that have been playing in your head perhaps for many years. This is what I mean by “watching the thinker,” which is another way of saying: listen to the voice in your head, be there as the witnessing presence.

When you listen to that voice, listen to it impartially. That is to say, do not judge. Do not judge or condemn what you hear, for doing so would mean that the same voice has come in again through the back door. You’ll soon realize: there is the voice, and here I am listening to it, watching it. This I am realization, this sense of your own presence, is not a thought. It arises from beyond the mind.

Link to exert from book

 

[Bella Figura]

Nice one Tranced, I've been gifted two Eckhart Tolle books I need to read!

 

[Tranced]

Nice one Tranced, I've been gifted two Eckhart Tolle books I need to read!

Including The Power of Now? His writing style can be a bit wishy washy which I'd imagine could put some people off, but I consider it essential reading regardless. Sometimes I'll find myself thinking some kind of negative shit and just sort of catch myself and smile at my own absurdity, and just change my thought process. It's possibly the most important thing I've ever learnt to do.

 

[Bella Figura]

Yep Power of Now and A New Earth.

 

[mumbo-jumbo]

Hi there krii! :D
As everyone says above, I think it's how you are feeling right now.. and also how a person grow up with thoughts and that kind of things..
It happen to me also, sometimes I have bad body load on psychedelics navigation because of what its happing in my mind.
It's also happen to my while on other drugs, that are not psychedelics..
Sometimes its trigger by our fears, sometimes trigger by our expectations... the best thing you can do to take back the magic back it's to make sure you are on a comfortable mindset... Lot of work, lot of writting your thoughts.. lot of good people to chat.. and maybe you could connect to the source thats make you that way..

I want to add also, that sometimes its the body that it's speaking, but that can easily be know by the substance you are taking.

Hope you can manage to bring that shining days.. I sure you will..

keep shining little goblin ! :D