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Long distance. I did my part, now she's not doing hers.

M

max_

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 15, 2011
Messages
576
I met this girl 45 days ago in a concert. She is from a small town about 1000 miles from where I live. She just came to see the band and went back. The two nights she was here we were together, she came to my apartment and we were up all night looking into each other's eyes and shit. We fell deep in love. She's 28 and I'm 22. I look and talk like I'm 30 and she looks and talks like she's 17 so age is kind of not a problem. Plus i live alone and she lives with her parents.

A month after we met I took 23 hour bus ride and spent two nights in her town. Only to find out that she hadn't told her family or most of her friends about me. The thing is, and take my word on this one, that she's a fucking coward. She does love me, she even told me that she wanted to come and live with me in my city once she finishes school (she's a lot closer than I am from her degree) and I know she means it. But she was the youngest child of a lot of brothers and sisters, you could say she's a homegirl.

Now I asked her to come to my house in january (we got a break from school and work) and she had no choice but to tell her parents. She told her mom and she was happy for us, but now she (the girl) is saying that "it's going to be kind of hard for her father to ALLOW (she's twenty fucking eight years old) her to come on january".

The thing here is. I know she loves me. I know she's the kind of person I was looking for my whole life. I know she's caring and giving and whatnot. But I need her to show me that she can step up for us. I couldn't feel really comfortable going to her town again and taking the whole trip, not because of the long ride but because of the action to take the trip.

Am I being to harsh on her if I push her into stepping up to her father? (also I'm almost sure that it's not that she doesn't get "permission" rather than she feels guilty about leaving her father because he's 74. I mean I know we're just starting but we're already talking about living together I feel like I need her to show me how much is she willing to sacrifice for me.

Thoughts???? please!!!
 
Wow. 1000 miles.
..

Whatever you do, don't be harsh. Shouldn't expect her to sacrifice"" so soon. If you choose to do it- sacrifice, and want her to match you, that's not sacrifice.

But I hope she comes and happiness flows.
 
I still i think that a healthy relationship must be that of equals. I did my part, I do it everyday. If she isn't ready to leave her parents then she's not ready for a relationship and I am wasting my time because she might never be ready. Please do correct me if I'm wrong to think a 28 year old no matter how she was raised should be mentally ready to take the challenge of leaving her mom and dad for 15 days to go and have wild sex with a lover regardless of being or not being in love.
I really want to know if this train of thought is correct. I don't mind being patient, trust me I have been. But should I really bother for somebody who's not willing to leave her dad's side for a holiday with me?
 
For whatever reason she has chosen to put the brakes on your meetup. Whether it be her dad or some other reason, let her be. You don't know her as well as you want to being as you only spend a couple days with this lady. Not much you can do, if she wants to spend more time with you it will be on her terms, sorry. :(
 
You may feel she loves you - if she 'really' did you would not be making this post? It was fun - forget it !
 
So you're very mature and she's very immature? Sounds like a bad idea to go any further, especially with 1000 miles between you. I know everyone's different but when Im in new love, I'm doing everything I can to spend time with that person. Plus, are you ok with being with someone who needs to ask her father permission for things like that at age 28?
 
She's probably having second thoughts. Spending a night with someone you know and then moving back only to sober up and think about it can make people have second thoughts. If you have the opportunity, go up and meet her. From there you can probably get a better gauge on things.

It takes balls to up and go see someone 1000 miles away.
 
Whoa, sounds like you got attached WAY too fast. Also, your post just comes across as "Me, me, me." Don't get me wrong, she shouldn't have to ask permission at her age, but still. You're expecting things from someone you don't know ("...show me how much she is willing to sacrifice for me.") Sacrifice? A successful relationship is about compromise.
 
She's obviously old enough to know that your idea of this relationship working is something to merely entertain in the moment while together. Not realistic at all.

I was with a girl making out in my truck recently, and we talked about living in Europe together; Her modeling and me managing her. She said that she'd fuck me in every country in Europe. We talked as if it was real. But once we left, we both knew that it was unrealistic, and a childish dream.
 
OP - You have a couple of things going on here mate.
1- you only spent 2 nights with here first, then a few more nights down in her town.
2- she is 28 but she acts/looks 17?
3- this all started with a festival was any one intoxicated?

The point is mate you sound like you fell hard fast and expected way to much. Now granted her father may be her father, they just may be a close knit family and he doesn't want his little girl a 1000 miles away with some dude or he could be some dude she likes to call papi when she gets spanked. You are both old enough her especially to under stand that distance makes shit difficult, and that relationships are hard when you are close, and have built a solid base of commonality between you let alone when things are new and a 1000 miles apart.
Look I have been involved in long distance relationships before, I am about to pop the question to my girl and we kept the relationship together with me being deployed 5 times over seas fro long periods of time, and through both of us being apart for school as well. point being, sacrifice is needed on both sides. You are pissed because you made the trip and you think it is time for her to do the same.
You have two options walk away now before you are really invested in this and you get your heart broken by an unrealistic expectations of what is going to or what you think is going to happen or what you think should happen. Or 2- Stop and think. You can not expect to have every gesture reciprocated, that's not love and sacrifice. Love and sacrifice is being selfless, and not expecting any thing in return for any gesture- whether it is traveling 1000 miles through broken glass and rusty nails barefoot, or just saying good morning and giving her a nice hug, you can not nor should you expect her to reciprocate ( though a cold beer and a blow job would be great after that barefoot death march). If her father is old and she wants to spend time with the man, you have to respect that especially if you say she is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you can why don't you go out there again, spend time with her, hell even ask to meet her father, show her you are interested in her life, and open to sharing it with her. Some times you have to sacrifice more then you think, in order to get what you want. But ask your self that question are you willing to be selfless for some one else, if the answer is yes then make the sacrifice. It may go a long way to building a bridge to cover that distance mate . So that some time in the future if you are really both trying to be together, it will be easier for her to make the distance on the ground work you have laid.

Now I am a tad old school, and think that by you showing her father that you are willing to travel to see her and even meet him, that you are a man of integrity and one that genuinely cares fro his little girl. If she comes from a big family that is close that could be a very important thing to her, one she is not willing to jeopardize for any single person. Plus look at it like this you score points with her whole family, brothers sisters, mother, all of which you will be dealing with if you are serious about staying
with a person. The thing is you haven't really known each other that long, and you are asking her to leave her family during a holiday for a weekend (15 days) of sex with you, Yeah great awesome, only problem- you haven't been together that long mate. This is time for you to sack up again and travel there get a hotel room so she can have wild sweaty sex with you and still spend time with her family on Christmas. I mean I hate to say it man, she may act like she is 17, but your the one expecting too much too soon. If you love her like you say you do, put your self in her shoes, some one she loves fro a hand full of days or some people she has known and loved fro her whole life, during a holiday that is about family ( even though modern society has Christmas as being all about xbox and fucking tv). Like I said I am old school, but unless her family is estranged asking some one you have just meant and spent 4 days total with to spend the holidays with you is just selfish and unrealistic request. I take it you are away from your family or you just don't celebrate with them? You are calling her immature yet you are the one making the demands that are not really realistic. I would never, and I mean never ask my woman to sacrifice for me, in fact it is the opposite, I would always sacrifice for her so she would not have to and not because I am trying to hold on to her but because I believe whole heartedly that I want to share in every thing in her life, and she would do the same for me and has.Thats love and sacrifice the willingness to share in each others lives with out any expectations beyond wanting to be part of each other. Tude has it right man, relationships are about compromise, mutual respect and a sacrifice is a selfless act that requires nothing of the other party nor should it.

I hope this helps there chief. I know it is not what you wanted to hear.
( BTW I have a very dry sarcastic sense of humor and mean no disrespect I just like to cut the serious with humor makes things go down easier)


@ Animalmother - I had a few nights like that one night stands where you laying bed or what ever and make crazy plans that you both know are just pie in the sky bull shit, but hell it is fun. My girl now it is one of our favorite games to play, especially after sex. Lay in bed and pretend we are going to run away some where, or sail to Aus, and live on the boat blah blah blah, shared little day dreams can be a great bonding experience.
 
Yeah, it feels really good to do it, but if you're just in the beginning of a relationship, it's unhealthy to think that this means you're going to be together for a long time.
 
Exactly.

I had to reread him a few times, but when I was like wait, they have only seen each other a few times shes got an older parent, and he wants her to spend all of the holidays with him. And he thinks she is being selfish. Like I said in my post I was with a mine for a long time but seriously, we were together since college, and until I left the service, and bought my own house, did I spend a Christ mas with just me and her, and hell now we alternate familys and holidays lol. But I digress, you hit the nail on the head he got too involved too fast and is now expecting shit to go his way. When to be honest they had sex and played a game of " You know what would be great."

But in his defense, the girl I am with now after the first date, i knew she was it. but hell like I said we have been together since '03 and we are not engaged yet, ( will be NYE this year but I digress) so I believe in the instant connection, but I also believe in building a foundation. instead of trying to rush head first ito what could be a fucking wood chipper.
 
Last edited:
max_ said:
Please do correct me if I'm wrong to think a 28 year old no matter how she was raised should be mentally ready to take the challenge of leaving her mom and dad for 15 days to go and have wild sex with a lover regardless of being or not being in love.
Click to expand...

right... other than the fact that she really doesn't want to.
and that's her excuse to you...
because after all, you did in fact say

max_ said:
take my word on this one, she's a fucking coward.
Click to expand...
 
Wow this has trouble written all over it on so many levels. She is thinking of moving in your place? Have you thought maybe she is looking for a way out of her problems or an escape?

All the excuses she is giving you is bullshit. She is a grown adult and so are you. That type of dodgy shit is a red flag in my book.

As far as falling in love so fast. I think that is a bit rash.

She also basically broke up with whatever you had going on by giving you the run around with her father thing. I think that if she wanted to be with you, it would be no problem.

You two had a good time and shared an intimate bond, but I think its over. Don't ruin the whole thing by dragging it out because its not going to work. She is trying to end it gently as she can and you outta just take the chance to be able to look back on this as a good memory.

Sometimes there really is no good way to say goodbye. As far as a fling like this, I personally would rather like to just look back on it fondly. If its meant to be, she would come to you. I am telling you that you should let her go peacefully so you won't resent the whole thing.
 
You're not as mature as you think you are OP, and I do not intend to offend, but you come across as very immature and inexperienced in your post. Definitively stating that this woman is a "fucking coward" is also quite distasteful and presumptuous.

You are not in love - you don't even know this girl. She is not in love with you either.

You're coming on very strong, and it may be scaring her off. Relax and take it easy - she's not even your girlfriend yet. You state that you need her to show you "how much is she willing to sacrifice" for you? This is unreasonable, and a huge red flag for me. Reeks of insecurity. You've only known her a few weeks, and have spent a very limited amount of time with her.

Cool it, spend time with her when you are both able, but relax on the demands. She does not owe you anything. You are not in a committed relationship with this woman. In time, it may progress, but rushing it to the point of ridiculous and getting frustrated with her for not moving at the same breakneck speed is not a clever move.

Basically, I feel that it's a safe bet that the reality of this situation is very different than what you have made it out to be in your head. You'll probably find this out the hard way, as many do. You are young, and have a lot of learning to do.

Good luck.
 
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