Flickering
Bluelighter
After work today, I had a thought that I've finally clawed my way out of the deeper parts of depression. It took seven years, but I'm at a point where I can usually tolerate, and often even enjoy, life. I owe a lot of it to psychedelics, though perhaps I could have reached the same place, eventually, without them.
A little later, I thought: life still isn't what it used to be.
I'm constantly gripped by nostalgia. Like, constantly. I know almost everyone over-idealises their past. But I really do seem to recall a time when my frame of mind was just naturally better. Trying to access the past was a big part of the reason why I started using drugs.
I was lighter. I felt safe in the world, and at home. I was confident, there was a place I belonged. Colours and sensations and experiences in general interested me. I wouldn't have said it at the time, because I had nothing to compare it to, but life was a wonder. Not without its tedium and low points. But still brilliant. A brighter, easier world, a cheerfully optimistic disposition that I didn't have to strive for, every second, by telling myself to "think positively".
These days, there's a heaviness in its place. Almost like a leaden blanket wrapped around my head. Pleasures are muted. Emotions, well they're stronger than they were two years ago - which is to say I can feel anything at all these days - but I still have to work to feel them. Things just aren't as mesmerising as they used to be. I could put it down to a boring job and adult pressures, but then, what about all the adult freedoms I used to dream of, the many, many things I could never do or even think when I was younger?
Am I unhappy because I'm no longer a child?
And then, is there any way to get back to that frame of mind? I've tried with LSD and mescaline. From time to time I've wandered around shopping centres, or neighbourhoods where I grew up, trying to recapture that feeling of youth and a fresh outlook on the world. I can't seem to find it... all I can remember is that things used to feel right, and now they feel wrong. I can think of a thousand reasons why that would be, but I still can't seem to change them, I can't seem to fucking change anything!
I've been lucky. There are people on this board who never even had that rarest of things in the world, a decent childhood. There are people now who are in the same place I've been in too many times, on the verge of just taking their own lives. My problems are not that bad anymore. But I've still lost the spark. If not for psychedelics, I probably wouldn't even remember what it was like to ever have it. All the same, I can't seem to find it, I still only feel three quarters alive. Some days, most days, I think that if I could undo the last fifteen years of my life, forget that any of it ever happened, I would. I would do that without a second thought or a glance back. That's not normal. What's wrong with me? What the hell can I do?
A little later, I thought: life still isn't what it used to be.
I'm constantly gripped by nostalgia. Like, constantly. I know almost everyone over-idealises their past. But I really do seem to recall a time when my frame of mind was just naturally better. Trying to access the past was a big part of the reason why I started using drugs.
I was lighter. I felt safe in the world, and at home. I was confident, there was a place I belonged. Colours and sensations and experiences in general interested me. I wouldn't have said it at the time, because I had nothing to compare it to, but life was a wonder. Not without its tedium and low points. But still brilliant. A brighter, easier world, a cheerfully optimistic disposition that I didn't have to strive for, every second, by telling myself to "think positively".
These days, there's a heaviness in its place. Almost like a leaden blanket wrapped around my head. Pleasures are muted. Emotions, well they're stronger than they were two years ago - which is to say I can feel anything at all these days - but I still have to work to feel them. Things just aren't as mesmerising as they used to be. I could put it down to a boring job and adult pressures, but then, what about all the adult freedoms I used to dream of, the many, many things I could never do or even think when I was younger?
Am I unhappy because I'm no longer a child?
And then, is there any way to get back to that frame of mind? I've tried with LSD and mescaline. From time to time I've wandered around shopping centres, or neighbourhoods where I grew up, trying to recapture that feeling of youth and a fresh outlook on the world. I can't seem to find it... all I can remember is that things used to feel right, and now they feel wrong. I can think of a thousand reasons why that would be, but I still can't seem to change them, I can't seem to fucking change anything!
I've been lucky. There are people on this board who never even had that rarest of things in the world, a decent childhood. There are people now who are in the same place I've been in too many times, on the verge of just taking their own lives. My problems are not that bad anymore. But I've still lost the spark. If not for psychedelics, I probably wouldn't even remember what it was like to ever have it. All the same, I can't seem to find it, I still only feel three quarters alive. Some days, most days, I think that if I could undo the last fifteen years of my life, forget that any of it ever happened, I would. I would do that without a second thought or a glance back. That's not normal. What's wrong with me? What the hell can I do?
