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Life just essentially ended.

The Network

The Network

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 7, 2010
Messages
1,968
I don't want to or need to go into detail, but my life basically just stopped and I don't know what to do.

Yesterday I was happier than anyone in the world, and now I'm closer to killing myself than anyone. It has nothing to do with drugs honestly, but I'll give a somewhat short explanation.

I've been on the rollercoaster of happy and depressed for about a year now. It was never that bad, it was the difference between a bad day where you spill your coffee, hit your head, and you get a flat tire, and a good day when you have a glorious day where you make 10 new friends and get a new high-paying job. It may be severe in your eyes at that point. But compared to now it was a speedbump. Now I just went from being in lifelong orgasm-like pleasure, to being isolated from everyone you love that loves you back, and having to watch them think you're dead and mourn you, then they all kill themselves because they can't live without you, all while being stabbed 50+ times in the chest and back--again a euphemism

See the difference? I don't know how to get through this. psychologist is not an option(no you may not ask why). Yep. Hey wait isn't this usually where I wake up? I swear dreams of being in jail are better than this. But this... this is real.

BTW: There is a deeper meaning than just random depression, it was all related to one event. So don't think I'm just being emo about depression or something.

Times like this I wish I had a huge influence on some forum where I could just point a finger and 2 people die.

If you're wondering why there's no detail refer to post 13
 
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What do you mean by wishing you had an influence in a forum, point a finger, and two people die? Also I wish I could give you a pep talk to feel better, but I assume that won't help you much. Your post was semi-vague, so I'm not sure of what type of answer you are looking for...cheer up by the way.
 
I'm a bit baffled, too. Perhaps you don't feel comfortable sharing the details. But I can tell you that I've been there, where I was convinced that one event meant the end of my life. It certainly meant the end of my life as I had known it, but it didn't me the end.
 
The rollercoasters are the worst. Sometimes the only thing you can do is hunker down and wait for the storm to pass, and then re-evaluate your options when you're in a better frame of mind. If you can, try to have a little something to eat and get as much sleep as you can. I'm sure that externally things probably won't have changed much overnight, but maybe you'll be in a better place internally to cope with them tomorrow.
 
There have been a few moments in my life where I thought, "shit, there it goes, my life is fuckin' ruined, I might as well just end it now".

Each time has given me the chance to build a new life and set in motion a new plan.

So your old life is over. What do you want to do with the new one?
 
I remember when earlier this year I went through the same roller coaster. What I realized made it difficult for me was when I'd pinpoint and judge my days as good and bad. Everyday I'd tally up all the "good" and "bad" things that happened to me and then it would make my days seem better or terrible. I let it weigh down on me with every single little bad thing that happened to me and made the really bad parts of my day seem that much worse.

Try to take each day one at a time and think of it as only another day. Take everythin as it comes to you, and find some way to let yourself relax and handle the bad days. I know how it is, when bad things keep happening they seem worse and worse each time, but what helps is just to organize it in your mind. Try not to blow things up as bad as we make them out in our irrational minds. Just remember, "This too shall pass"
 
If there's an emergency, please call 911 or your country's emergency number. Your life is valuable. Hard times suck, and while I don't totally understand what you're going through, I can empathize with that roller coaster feeling (it got me into a mental hospital once). I also doubt anyone on this forum has the expertise required to solve your problem completely, especially with so few details, so even though you are against it I am obliged to tell you that you can seek help. There are people out there who will help you, no matter what your situation. If you absolutely can't seek help around you, feel free to PM me or n3ophy7e, who has helped many people on this forum get through hard times.

Can you answer these few questions for me?:

Have you thought about how you would kill yourself?
Do you have what you need to carry out a plan?
Do know when you will do it?
 
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^ definitely this!

As I don't have much to go on, I'm just going to ramble a little here but bear with me (or ignore this post, I'm easy :D )

Exactly 5 months ago my life ended when I had a phonecall to tell me my boyfriend was dead. I can't even begin to describe going from being in a happy relationship with a wonderful man to that. It felt like my world had been turned upside down, inverted, made 2 dimensional then punched me in the chest. I had no idea what I would do - I could see no life without Dave and the pain was just.. unreal. Everything was surreal. I have no magic answers to make everything better but I will tell you this - when something truly awful happens, sometimes all you can do is survive it, second by second. Keep breathing. Know that it will pass. It WILL pass. I promise. Somehow 5 months have gone by, and without even noticing almost it has become a little easier to keep going. A lot easier some days, harder others of course, but I am feeling my way into my new life.

This is not the life I would have chosen for me, ever. I was so angry at the world, and others, and myself, for so long. But it is the life I have. Kayholed actually summed it up perfectly - so what are you going to do with your new life? Because believe me, however bad things feel, they will pass, and even a life you would not choose can still turn out to be not just bearable, but enjoyable.

I still have a lot of bad days and I still hate it that I have been forced to walk this path but I am getting better (for want of a better word haha) and I can see the positives too. I appreciate the small things more. I know myself better. I am stronger. You will get through this.

<3
 
The Network.

Is what you are trying to say is:

Life is still the same sort of level its always been at,
BUT
I feel like the negative feelings of it are being overmagnified
and the positive ones in a cycle ?

and you are stating this and just asking why do i feel this way, its mostly feelings more than life events though isnt it?
Or have their been upsetting events for you to cause these?
 
Again, if you are in an emergency situation, do not hesitate to call 911 or whatever your country's emergency number is. You can use a deactivated cell phone to call 911. You cannot use Skype to call 911 (but you can call a friend from there!).

The following all count as emergency situations:
Being in a place where you could easily commit suicide (standing at the top of a building, in a bathroom with pills or a knife, etc.) while contemplating.
Having a specific plan to kill yourself.
If you have actually taken pills.
If you tried to kill yourself but failed or "just couldn't bring yourself to do it" (knife to the throat, gun to the head, etc.).

Please don't kill yourself. Your life has value and is valued, even on this forum. Considering your post count, it wouldn't be quite the same place here without your contributions. If you haven't already, take some time to read this post.

If you're not sure whether or not your situation is an emergency, just go ahead and call. It's best to be on the safe side. If you're scared, try to think of it like just pressing numbers on a phone; just dial without thinking. You'll be glad you did afterwards :) .
 
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kaywholed said:
There have been a few moments in my life where I thought, "shit, there it goes, my life is fuckin' ruined, I might as well just end it now".

Each time has given me the chance to build a new life and set in motion a new plan.

So your old life is over. What do you want to do with the new one?
Click to expand...

I don't know. The one that just croaked was so incredible that I don't know what I even want anymore.



A note to everyone else: I'm afraid to give details because that's what fucked me in the first place.
I've read all of your posts in full, believe me, I'm still just in the hey-i-am-supposed-to-wake-up-now-right? state and I don't know how to do anything.
 
You don't have to say anything you don't want to, but feel free to shoot me a pm if you like..

It takes time to adjust to a major life-shift, especially from amazingness to just.. fucked upness. But please believe me, it is possible to readjust to a new life that is nothing like the one you had or wanted - it really is. One step at a time, let yourself come to terms with it at your own pace <3
 
I need to do something soon that can either fuck my life worse (incredibly) or make it 100x better, which admittedly isn't that much when it's this bad.
 
Please contact your country's mental health services crisis line, we're well intentioned strangers on the internet who do not understand your situation. Virtually all western nations have strong privacy laws regarding mental health, so you need not worry about exposing your issue to your peers.

If you would like an ambulance to pick you up that can likely be arranged with the crisis line. I have worked with several EMT's over the years and in Canada at least are well trained and used to dealing with this kind of situation.

Take it easy, and just make the call.
You'll be ok :)
 
Epsilon Alpha said:
Please contact your country's mental health services crisis line, we're well intentioned strangers on the internet who do not understand your situation. Virtually all western nations have strong privacy laws regarding mental health, so you need not worry about exposing your issue to your peers.

If you would like an ambulance to pick you up that can likely be arranged with the crisis line. I have worked with several EMT's over the years and in Canada at least are well trained and used to dealing with this kind of situation.

Take it easy, and just make the call.
You'll be ok :)
Click to expand...
^This. Although I would make sure you go with a trusted peer. If you see a professional, however, they are completely bound by privacy laws, and in almost all situations cannot give away information about you (save for things like murder).
 
Like you and effie, OP, I had a traumatic experience this year that sucked all the life out of my life: I lost my youngest son to his own despair. I understand that thin line you try to balance on every day between wanting oblivion and feeling your still beating heart as the hopeful organ it was meant to be. The choice you make right now is essentially a choice between shutting down or opening up deeper and further than you ever thought possible. Feeling the full extent of your fear, your sadness, your anger and your despair is a positive act. You are courageous to be doing this. Asking for help takes so much courage, too, but it is essential. Learning to encompass enormous loss, how to bear it and how to transform yourself within it is a powerful experience. I hope that all the sincere empathy in these responses to you gives you at least a glimpse of all the love that still exists in the world for you and for each of us.Try to take hold of any and every hand the world holds out to you right now.<3
 
I somewhat over-reacted at first. It could either be the worst thing to happen--still-- or it could end up being one of the best things that ever happened. I'll have to wait for some time to pass to be sure, though. It still is very likely the worst thing to ever happen to me.
 
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