life is becoming too much...

[kangaroojackaroo]

bro, its nothing. thats the whole point man. nothingness. labeling it is being an emo lol but i dont have as many emotions really so we probably *feel* the exact same about the subject because its dark as fuck




also sleepwalker my post on here didnt go through so we're temporarily pm'ing or something lol



doctor, ill be in to see you in a bit im not in the mood for that particular post ATM but im sure its what we've all come to expect

Yeah man I get what you're saying... I think we're just some dark motherfuckers ha... I did hyperbolize my post yesterday, I was just in an emotional rage. I'm too sentimental, and I just hope my poat didn't do too much damage. I just hope the best for sleepwalker. I hate that I hijacked his post. This is all such a delicate subject... I don't intend to deter from others trying to help sleepwalker...

 

[kangaroojackaroo]

you guys all mean well, i know that.
Been around for a while...
The thing that held me on was my irlfriend, who'd come over...
9 am i got texted it would be later.
Well, not today.

but i went to my neighbourwoman, the almost only person i trust...just to talk...honest.
and she said i take perfect care of the kids, they never been so glad and happy, since their mom left us.
But she was worried about me too.
I am not myself atm.
But i carried myself through this day with some H...better excuse i never had.
At least i am still here and know something is fucked up in my body and mind,
and as long as i know i'm going crazy, i cannot be insane!

Any advise or love is still appreciated.
I know you are real folks who care at the other end !

Hey man, like the platitude says: take it one day at at a time. Keep updating us on how you're feelinf sleepwalker, we're here for you.

 

[sleepwalker]

i survived the day, with waiting for that gf...who never showed up. but i decided to gett some H, not a good plan, but at least im still here...
i'm thankfull for all of your support. i said in an pm it's so gggood to feel noticed, sometimes noone sees you, then when you get heard and noted its stunning...

 

[sleepwalker]

another day, i tried to write goodbye letters to my kids...for i didn't want to just disappear.
But I couldn't do it.
i couldn't finish the letters, which i really tried, but being the "superdaddy" i am to them, couldn't be ended in a couple of words on paper.
My love for my kids cant be set aside, i can't even describe the despair and pain that comes with the impossibility to end life and forget my responsibilities.
Now i know i will destroy their lives by climbing high...with or without any letters.
so the" relief" that came with the option of ending it all, is gone but i know its temporary for i did use H again.

i just hope that the tears and compulsive thinking about death will be gone...once i get my artificial rest...i know i'm postponing WD but feel like it's a choise for making it, even if it is only for another day.
just another day....

mind you...i had enough tears in the past, suicide thoughts, but they never persisted until this time.

 

[My3sons]

You absolutely cannot kill yourself. That would destroy your kids. I thought about it myself bc it would be easier to die than bare the shame that comes with being a heroine addict. I just got caught again last week after a long relapse by my ex-husband. Naturally he took the kids away. Like you i am a functioning addict and never missed so much as a snack with my kids. I study with them, take them to sports and dinner is always on the table. I am choosing life with my kids and am on day 2 of methadone. Have you tried that? Its not a perfect solution but its better than H and will give your brain time to heal.

 

[Johnny87]

Thank you Yacob, the beginning of my last post was for you.

 

[Johnny87]

literally cannot begin to even comprehend what youre going through johnny. ive never been a believer but if anything people in situations like you guys both are in that makes me wish there is such a superior being out there because you'd really deserve that reward at the end of the tunnel. johnny the same goes to you if you need someone to just hear you, human connection is a big factor in this whole thing for everyone struggling in any way. we are social creatures and without expressing ourselves we sort of lose signal to the human connection tower...im trying to see if im even on the right network. it seems reaching out a helping hand just to listen for someone could maybe even help me find something that i havent found yet, if i impact one single life in a positive way the entire time im here then ill at least have something to hang my hat on even if i personally failed myself. try to leave it better than you found it sort of philosophy if you will


and sleepwalker i came back after thinking on it to just emphasize how important your relationship is with you. yeah its majorly about those kids but their dad needs to be on speaking terms with himself in order to be the best for them. and it seems like im kinda telling you how much pressure there is on you but its really not pressure, its responsibility in its utmost fulfilling form and thats nurturing two future key cogs in all of society even possibly to be great people just as they have undoubtedly already started learning from their ol man. im not saying there isnt a ton of weight on your shoulders because oh my god is there so much more than ive ever experienced but i know how it is to be those kids and i also know that they really dont expect you to be an all world everything, that doesnt exist every person has inner darkness theyre trying to hold under its just a matter of what kind, unfortunately you definitely gotta work a little harder than someone in my position but you know in the end i may never find that light i mentioned in the other post, your light is bright as fuck and theres multiple. youre a big part of this whole human thing going on here that seems to be catching momentum so we need you or else a seemingly small flutter of the wing in the grand scheme can turn into an earthquake if you know what im saying. good is so much stronger than bad, it just doesnt gloat like bad does so you have to look for it but finding it is so much better rather than having it shoved in your face.

When I read your comment this morning I really felt a strong emotional response in my chest. I felt as though someone finally listened. I cant express enough the gratitude tat just a simple reply like yours and the big affect it has on someone who right now has no one.
Alone in a stampede of others who glancing back at me, I wonder would anyone care to know, would anyone listen if I asked, I know from past experience with my own sister and father who have detached them selves from me emotionally. When I do speak with them, all I hear is all the pain I've caused them, I beg for forgiveness, I beg for them to see a change in me, I ask them to r3emember their bro/son, the hockey player who was liked by everyone and cared more about their happiness then my own, now its gone. I think sometimes If I was gone, If I took my own life maybe then they would see that I honestly and truly am sorry for the pain I've caused them. I thought after that last two years of being clean on methadone that they would see the struggle and work I've done to alleviate the things that are in the past.

I honestly feel though I've been blessed to have found this site, all of the post I have read are helpful and give me a kinda of assurance's that ill be ok.
Sleepwalker I cried when I seeing your post, because of how much I felt, relating to your own pain and struggle, its honestly an hour by hour struggle, I don't know if an hour passes by with my looking at the time. I know you have something that's inside you that's stopping you from giving up, its the same thing that stop's me. Knowing the joy we had before from the people we love, knowing if we can get through this we may have a chance at that once secure feeling of ourselves. Stay strong !

 

[sleepwalker]

hey my friends.
I just felt obliged to give you all an update on all thats happenned in the last week.
After I relapsed to the fentanyl (thanx for the grandpa of my kids...who is doing all possible to help me in the "right" direction.)
Anyways, since life seemed not worthliving but after trying to write goodbye letters to my kids, which I couldt not do, i put everythin on hold.
Their mom may have run off but i took the kids to safety. My daughter has been very sad and wanted to come home severl times, so i went there for dinner several times.
After distancing myself from everything, something changed.
My depression and most stress disappeared.
As i decided to tell anyone who wanted to interfere with my life to fok off.
And now i am back past where i started. No fent since yesterday and no H either, but oddly again with some loperamide and some tramadols i had one rough night but continued my normal day.
Staying hydrated, eating 3 meals of pasta today.
Went to get friend...and bounced my car on the highwayside. I wrecked the frontside...but i don't care.
Thats not important now.
Lots of things seem not important...except my kids. I am picking them up from school tomorrow and look forward to hearing their stories, and seeing their faces again.
WD symptoms are at such a low level i caan't believe that its happening like this...
Anxious from time to time, but i do breathing excersises letting the fear come over me.

I feared payin my bills, searching for a job...i did it all.
So i'm still here and feeling rewired somehow.

I got some fear of sleepless nights during WD, but i have some amphets that kill the boredom at night.
But that usually lasts 2 nights and then i can sleep again.
I think i will treat myself to some weed just to keep cool and to celebrate i am still here.
if i dont sleep, i'll be here tonight, and thanx for the support from my friends on BL!

 

[LifeIsStrange]

Oh sleepwalker,
I feel with you. To be a true Christ means suffer. But not many understand this.


--- Sorry lost my hole post due internal Server Error 500 ---

So I keep an extract:

Janis Joplin sang in a song: „Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose“


I understand now what this means: ATM I have nothing more. Lost all my things - stolen by so called friends. Rescued only one Laptop from three. Got heavily injured. Medical care did not pay any cent. So I spend all my money earned in the years. Want to sue me next week for another 6000. Lost my job 28 days before. My brother is brainwashed by my evil mom - so can only talk to my father witch is 800km away. Have no bank account any more....

... but I will survive.


Proverbs 24:16-18 King James Version (KJV)


16 For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.
17 Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth:
18 Lest the Lord see it, and it displease him, and he turn away his wrath from him.


The Lord is My Shepherd
(Ezekiel 34:11-24; John 10:1-21)


1 {A Psalm of David.} The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever




May the Lord Jesus Christ be with you my friend
LifeIsStrange