life is becoming too much...

[sleepwalker]

hi, bluelihters.

please take a moment to share my grief...
If i tell my story, a great man of you would wish to be in my shoes.
i'll try to keep it short.
I have been an H addict from my 17th year on and multiusing besides that. Working in surgery that's quite some multiuse.
I wanted my life to end when 32 but oddly enouh i became Christian.
I met my wife that same week, 8 moths later we were married, but I married a mentally very ill woman.
I was clean for 6 years, but after many meds and hospitalizations, i started using again.
now my wife has Aspergers.
Over one year ago, she was so confused, she didn,t come home and stayed at my best friends house.

Until she said :I can,t take care of the kids anymore, and we got divorced.
I allready lost my job, due to the care for my wife and all the other stress.
I lost my church.
No friends coming around.
I got total custody, the house, car, financial support...so I have it good? Right?

now i have been using 50-75 fentapatches...and was in for some bad WD.
I haven't used since sunday, took 10 loperamide and 8 tramadol, yesterday 6.
NOW last night i slept 2x2 hours and am cold, so tonight I decided to slap on a buprenorfine patch, 10ug/hour.
The wd came with being bored, and cold, but i expierience nothing bad...except the lonelyness.
And the whole night i thought about ending my life. i went to the doc and told i could carry more.
Get a job, was her reply. I got nothing to help me sleep.

Now i am stuck between letting life slip into nothingness or continuing this life out of love for my kids.
please, i got noone to talk to.

 

[Doctor.K]

Hang in there buddy, ending your life is NEVER the best answer. It is cowardly, the easy way out. Step up your game a little, research how to increase your endorphins, try some Kratom (worked wonders for my opiate withdrawals). Start tapering off the drugs and slowly but surely you will make it to a point where you can smoke the occasional joint or, enjoy a good bit of kratom. Theres stuff out there for you man you just need to get up off your ass and try. NO ONE else will help you unless youre very lucky. It's all in your hands and you can do whatever you'd like to do.

 

[yacob]

cowardly? easy way out? ok so whats easier doc, since youre a doctor and all, its really that easy to blow your head off? wow i guess thats why everyone who ever thought of it just did it because it was so easy, didnt even think twice just so simple. shut the fuck up if youre just gonna do that bullshit, someone in his situation doesnt want your generic fucking post kid. dont talk the talk if you cant walk the walk there cowboy, if its easy then why do people look for any last little flicker of hope doctor? not much of a wordsmith are ya doc? and honestly if you were trying to cheer me up then suicide would be a lot fucking easier. say something from YOU not generic shit all idiots say half assed. seriously get fucking bent he just poured his heart out in front of everyone trying to reach out and you fucking give him that...i hope you felt like you helped asshole because thats the only reason why you posted it anyway. i would drive across multiple states to fucking clock you because you clearly have no idea how it feels to be that low and if you have i dont give a fuck about your tears, ill just call you a coward and see how you respond.

now that ive given myself a hernia, onto someone who resembles a decent human being


sleepwalker ill pm you, thats beyond sad man just always remember how much you mean to those kids, you are their main support without you they would really not be the same. and not to mention how proud you'll feel and fulfilled and thankful when theyre all grown and have their own families and that'll be in large part to you being that rock. its really easy to fall into that darkness but you unlike a lot of people as down as you are feeling, you have that bright light to guide you out and they are always left searching which all too often ends in tragedy. thats not you, youre not a fucking tragic story and shit gets way better because for one time heals. its like a callous on your hand it gets tougher, and you working hard to stay focused on whats important will only make it stronger. goddamnit i cant really say anything thatll change how you feel and believe if i could itd be down already. its a process. keep that ass focused on the big picture because youre a massively vital part of a couple young lives with virtually unlimited potential. private message me and ill give you my phone number if you want someone to vent to, we're basically anonymous to each other so its not like i can go tell someone you know or something so anything we say is iron clad. the hand is extended if you need it, im not exactly the happiest person either but you just try to get a little bit better each second, minute, hour, day, month, year etc...its like playing basketball, break down everything to the smallest detail. trust the process and itll pay off even if it seems like a monumental task, each small detail one at a time always. my door is always open


get me that diagnoses ASAP doctor

 

[Johnny87]

Stay strong, you have to for the angels you've been blessed with. I'm currently going through the hardest time of my life. I'm 28 and 4 mnths ago was living with my mother who was in good health but had a sudden heart attack after we had dinner, while I was on the phone with 911 she passed in my arms. I have been traumatically affected by this. I'm also a recovering opiate addict who has ben on methadone and Effexor for two and a half years. I wonder if you ever considered methadone as a treatment for your opiate abuse? Its has helped greatly with my addiction and pain management as well. But now after my mother passed Im more tempted to going back to using and giving myself over to the escaped reality of being numb of any feeling whatsoever. I can honestly feel your pain and want you to know you are not alone. I truly hope you find that medium in your life, for yourself and you kids. Stay strong, and tell you kids everyday how much you love them.

 

[yacob]

literally cannot begin to even comprehend what youre going through johnny. ive never been a believer but if anything people in situations like you guys both are in that makes me wish there is such a superior being out there because you'd really deserve that reward at the end of the tunnel. johnny the same goes to you if you need someone to just hear you, human connection is a big factor in this whole thing for everyone struggling in any way. we are social creatures and without expressing ourselves we sort of lose signal to the human connection tower...im trying to see if im even on the right network. it seems reaching out a helping hand just to listen for someone could maybe even help me find something that i havent found yet, if i impact one single life in a positive way the entire time im here then ill at least have something to hang my hat on even if i personally failed myself. try to leave it better than you found it sort of philosophy if you will


and sleepwalker i came back after thinking on it to just emphasize how important your relationship is with you. yeah its majorly about those kids but their dad needs to be on speaking terms with himself in order to be the best for them. and it seems like im kinda telling you how much pressure there is on you but its really not pressure, its responsibility in its utmost fulfilling form and thats nurturing two future key cogs in all of society even possibly to be great people just as they have undoubtedly already started learning from their ol man. im not saying there isnt a ton of weight on your shoulders because oh my god is there so much more than ive ever experienced but i know how it is to be those kids and i also know that they really dont expect you to be an all world everything, that doesnt exist every person has inner darkness theyre trying to hold under its just a matter of what kind, unfortunately you definitely gotta work a little harder than someone in my position but you know in the end i may never find that light i mentioned in the other post, your light is bright as fuck and theres multiple. youre a big part of this whole human thing going on here that seems to be catching momentum so we need you or else a seemingly small flutter of the wing in the grand scheme can turn into an earthquake if you know what im saying. good is so much stronger than bad, it just doesnt gloat like bad does so you have to look for it but finding it is so much better rather than having it shoved in your face.

 

[yacob]

this whole thread had just hit me in the balls so sorry to spam but i came to this part of the forum to talk about my shit but upon reading you guys it just seems like its disgustingly egotistical to even start with me before getting to people like you guys that are asking for help when i have room left in the "horrible shit i can take tank". if i focus on myself im just proving them right, that im a sociopath who could be destined to erupt and cause pain and disruption just because im the #1-and-only for me baby, im the big bad wolf mr Type A you always hear about. its fucking bullshit dude, you put into someones head theyre a monster and they see a different figure staring back in the mirror. a monster is the one who puts that image there to be begin with, and they are who are most likely to cause the suffering whether direct or indirect. its time to break that cycle and put a goddamn honest effort into this experience so maybe we could even see something positive result. imagine if everyone didnt think they had it so bad when they cant get a brand new fucking car this month and just once tried reaching out to someone desperate for compassion. we might not be in such a violent world if such was the case but thats pointless because we have to deal with reality first, which sucks ass literally puckered lips kissy sound suck that ass.

 

[Doctor.K]

cowardly? easy way out? ok so whats easier doc, since youre a doctor and all, its really that easy to blow your head off? wow i guess thats why everyone who ever thought of it just did it because it was so easy, didnt even think twice just so simple. shut the fuck up if youre just gonna do that bullshit, someone in his situation doesnt want your generic fucking post kid. dont talk the talk if you cant walk the walk there cowboy, if its easy then why do people look for any last little flicker of hope doctor? not much of a wordsmith are ya doc? and honestly if you were trying to cheer me up then suicide would be a lot fucking easier. say something from YOU not generic shit all idiots say half assed. seriously get fucking bent he just poured his heart out in front of everyone trying to reach out and you fucking give him that...i hope you felt like you helped asshole because thats the only reason why you posted it anyway. i would drive across multiple states to fucking clock you because you clearly have no idea how it feels to be that low and if you have i dont give a fuck about your tears, ill just call you a coward and see how you respond.

now that ive given myself a hernia, onto someone who resembles a decent human being


sleepwalker ill pm you, thats beyond sad man just always remember how much you mean to those kids, you are their main support without you they would really not be the same. and not to mention how proud you'll feel and fulfilled and thankful when theyre all grown and have their own families and that'll be in large part to you being that rock. its really easy to fall into that darkness but you unlike a lot of people as down as you are feeling, you have that bright light to guide you out and they are always left searching which all too often ends in tragedy. thats not you, youre not a fucking tragic story and shit gets way better because for one time heals. its like a callous on your hand it gets tougher, and you working hard to stay focused on whats important will only make it stronger. goddamnit i cant really say anything thatll change how you feel and believe if i could itd be down already. its a process. keep that ass focused on the big picture because youre a massively vital part of a couple young lives with virtually unlimited potential. private message me and ill give you my phone number if you want someone to vent to, we're basically anonymous to each other so its not like i can go tell someone you know or something so anything we say is iron clad. the hand is extended if you need it, im not exactly the happiest person either but you just try to get a little bit better each second, minute, hour, day, month, year etc...its like playing basketball, break down everything to the smallest detail. trust the process and itll pay off even if it seems like a monumental task, each small detail one at a time always. my door is always open


get me that diagnoses ASAP doctor

Cannot believe you flamed me for trying to help a guy out who had no one else at such a late hour. Asshole. Not sure why you felt the need to add the violence in there as well, but if you'd like to come try I've got a surprise for you =). All you did was add an enormous amount of negativity to this thread. Idk what headstate you were in man but you seem a little manic.

 

[sleepwalker]

thanx for the responses.
this morning the mother of my children was worried about me.
now she offered to take care of the kids durin the week.
i wasnt thinkin of her but of the kids, my son is 7 and dauhter 8...but my mind kept wandering to a girlfriend i had, once i got kicked out of the house and couldnt leave the kids.

I ended up with my survival gear, looking for a place to sleep for the kids, and oddly ended up at my wifes now ex best friend..
we had a stormy romance and it became an impossible love, which may be due my gf is the former best friend of my ex.

But were back to friends with benefits, works better for us.
but we hadnt spoken really in a couple of months, but instead of jumping the highest building i end up at her doorstep,knocking softly but ready to run....
She was so sweet to me and although busy being a single mom,she promised to drop by tomorrow morning.
just to talk things over.
now thats a girlfriend,who saw my need and acted on it.
I hope she can talk some sense into me, she usually can.she took care of my kids and me in the beginning and in time she got sick and returned the favour, by keeping 2 families running.

i m glad i remembered i still had a gf that i love deeply, not having been able to say goodbye to her, was not an option..
now i promised her not to do something stupid before we meet., for thats my middle name..
Stil weird, but in this case a girlfriend you love, and its a true romeo and juliet story, for she loves me much too ,lovin eachother so much yet only 75% in line.

Sideways she tell me shell have to leave her flat...and i have a way too big house for 3 persons...its a house for 5 persons..will something good come out of this?
Surely id offer her to stay if she has to,
At least shes my protection, my angel for today, ready to stand in front of me and take the blows!Amazing friendship helped me through the day!

 

[yacob]

you may have a hard time with expressing yourself in the right words that come across how you intend. sometimes i aim for a feeling and the body of work doesnt end up capturing that, it happens to people who write compulsively, difference is we dont show people our B level material. you called him a coward and there's really no defending that. i dont really give a shit what people try to do, you did something reprehensible to someone in that state of mind without knowing because you try projecting your inexperience and ignorance only causing destruction, and masking that in intent should be used on someone who doesnt try using their fucking head because thats the easiest excuse in the book.

and just for future reference telling a person pondering suicide that theyre considering a cowardly act is literally daring them to do it. kinda seems simple but you wouldnt have ever known thats what you did, why? because youre ignorant on the subject and have never experienced any feeling resembling something that permanent. go fucking think on that for awhile and then talk about intent you weak little half shot, you should have been pulled out and wiped on a fucking napkin

obviously not at sleepwalker

 

[Doctor.K]

you may have a hard time with expressing yourself in the right words that come across how you intend. sometimes i aim for a feeling and the body of work doesnt end up capturing that, it happens to people who write compulsively, difference is we dont show people our B level material. you called him a coward and there's really no defending that. i dont really give a shit what people try to do, you did something reprehensible to someone in that state of mind without knowing because you try projecting your inexperience and ignorance only causing destruction, and masking that in intent should be used on someone who doesnt try using their fucking head because thats the easiest excuse in the book.

and just for future reference telling a person pondering suicide that theyre considering a cowardly act is literally daring them to do it. kinda seems simple but you wouldnt have ever known thats what you did, why? because youre ignorant on the subject and have never experienced any feeling resembling something that permanent. go fucking think on that for awhile and then talk about intent you weak little half shot, you should have been pulled out and wiped on a fucking napkin

obviously not at sleepwalker

First of all I didn't call him a coward, I said doing it would be a cowardly act. Secondly, you are the ignorant one and I'm not trying to be rude to you. I HAVE tried to commit suicide once when I was 14. Got a script of Klonopin, was very depressed, didn't want to live in this headspace I was always in, I felt as if something needed to change and needed to change RIGHT THEN and there. So without even running it through my mind I grabbed the bottle and downed the whole thing, no water, no nothing. That day changed my life and for the better. I couldn't walk for 3 days and was severely impaired for 48 hours but I made it out with seemingly no permanent damage. So you, sir, need to know about what YOU are talking about. And all this shit talking? How childish?

TO Sleepwalker:

My advice would be to be patient you will get there, think things through and always remember that it takes time for things to change so try to have patience, its certainly not easy, but its definitely not impossible. With positive thinking and even a little dedication things will start to turn around for you, with time, brutha. Enjoy the good moments, hold on to them. But at the same time learn from the bad ones.

 

[sleepwalker]

just now my "best friend"who lives with my exwife, offered to drop some weed off if it would help me.
I said yeah,bring it over.

But I didnt tell him about what happened with my girlfriend...
no need for extra fights...

 

[Stargazer]

Hey sleepwalker....first...here's a <<<HUGE, REAL HUG>>> I have been where you are. I know you already know this, but your head isn't right at this moment-along with withdrawal comes depression and anxiety. You're body, mind, heart and soul are re-balancing. The sun will shine again. You are in one of the valleys right now.

And, you're a dad...forever. I have a child. During my relapse, that ended up with me in jail for 6 and half months, detoxing from 300mg of morphine daily cold-turkey, naked in a dungeon-like cell...I kept thinking of her...and how she'd never understand if I ended my life. She would re-play it in her mind for the rest of her life. She think I didn't love her enough to stay. And I love her more than anything, just like I know you love your children. They would never get over it. You'll leave a huge hole in their lives...at every important occasion and accomplishment, there would be an empty chair, and great hurt in their hurts. Instead of being overjoyed, they will feel the loss of you.

Smoke some weed-this mental stuff is part of withdrawal. You are overwhelmed right now...lots of responsibilities dropped on you. I had it done to me too-it's really heavy to carry alone. All you can do is a little at a time...one day, this heavy load will be your greatest accomplishment. Your kids will never forget that you took care of them. I wish you the very best. PM me anytime.

 

[Stargazer]

Can you get Neurontin(gabapentin) or Lyrica (pregablin) prescribed to you? They are two of the best tools available for withdrawal. Just asking, I'd hate if you didn't know about that. I didn't read every post, so my apologies it was already mentioned to you.

 

[kangaroojackaroo]

There is no cowardice in suicide.

Hemingway wrote in "For Whom the Bell Tolls" on the subject. Robert Jordan, the main character in the novel, had a father who went out that way, and Robert is assumed to understands the subject, but does not approve of it. It has been cited that this is possibly an allusion to Hemingway's father's suicide, as well as Hemingway's attitude about it. He just was so unsure...

How could one be so sure about such a subject? Life is delicate, and to tip it all over is just as delicate an act.

Hemingway, in the end, went out the same way.

I've had friends who had parents go out that way as well. The last thing they call their parents, when reminiscing of them, is a coward. They usually have respect for them, even though they left in an unfortunate method.

Perhaps its not about if it's cowardice, or heroic, or selfish, or necessary, to commit suicide.

It really is about something more pragmatic. There is a popular opinion circulating the Internet currently about suicide not being so much a choice, but really the resolution to a certain equation. an equation of coping and pain and resources.

To generalize suicide as cowardice is a bit odd. It indicates insecurity in the culprit of such a blatant assumption. An insecurity about death, about the reality of what we are really made of. Dust to dust.

Don't end your life man. But don't be ashamed of those feelings. It takes strength to live in a suicidal state, to keep going. It is not, however, cowardice. Stay in there man.

 

[closeau]

Hey sleepwalker. Man, sometimes on forums you have to ignore posts. I feel for ya man. I have had and am currently having my own troubles and tried to end my life this past Feb. I'm not focusing on that though. You got shit coming at you from all angles so I ain't gonna say any bs like you gotta be tough or none of that shit. If you wanna PM me I'll give you more details about my life and maybe we can relate and shit. You never know who God will put in your life when you need it. I'll try to PM you but new to this so I'll try. Just do the best you can every day right now man. Be safe

 

[Doctor.K]

There is no cowardice in suicide.

Hemingway wrote in "For Whom the Bell Tolls" on the subject. Robert Jordan, the main character in the novel, had a father who went out that way, and Robert is assumed to understands the subject, but does not approve of it. It has been cited that this is possibly an allusion to Hemingway's father's suicide, as well as Hemingway's attitude about it. He just was so unsure...

How could one be so sure about such a subject? Life is delicate, and to tip it all over is just as delicate an act.

Hemingway, in the end, went out the same way.

I've had friends who had parents go out that way as well. The last thing they call their parents, when reminiscing of them, is a coward. They usually have respect for them, even though they left in an unfortunate method.

Perhaps its not about if it's cowardice, or heroic, or selfish, or necessary, to commit suicide.

It really is about something more pragmatic. There is a popular opinion circulating the Internet currently about suicide not being so much a choice, but really the resolution to a certain equation. an equation of coping and pain and resources.

To generalize suicide as cowardice is a bit odd. It indicates insecurity in the culprit of such a blatant assumption. An insecurity about death, about the reality of what we are really made of. Dust to dust.

Don't end your life man. But don't be ashamed of those feelings. It takes strength to live in a suicidal state, to keep going. It is not, however, cowardice. Stay in there man.

I guess I have a different opinion on the subject than you, and I certainly don't agree that voicing that particular opinion makes me "insecure about death". God damn this is what I get trying to help someone when he has no one else at a late hour and is asking "please anyone talk to me". I'll leave it at that. Sorry I couldn't be of assistance sleepwalker best of luck and bye.

 

[yacob]

Perhaps its not about if it's cowardice, or heroic, or selfish, or necessary, to commit suicide.

bro, its nothing. thats the whole point man. nothingness. labeling it is being an emo lol but i dont have as many emotions really so we probably *feel* the exact same about the subject because its dark as fuck




also sleepwalker my post on here didnt go through so we're temporarily pm'ing or something lol



doctor, ill be in to see you in a bit im not in the mood for that particular post ATM but im sure its what we've all come to expect

 

[Doctor.K]

bro, its nothing. thats the whole point man. nothingness. labeling it is being an emo lol but i dont have as many emotions really so we probably *feel* the exact same about the subject because its dark as fuck





also sleepwalker my post on here didnt go through so we're temporarily pm'ing or something lol



doctor, ill be in to see you in a bit im not in the mood for that particular post ATM but im sure its what we've all come to expect

I see now why you went off on me, you are on methamphetamine as stated in your other post so my guess earlier in my posts that you were manic was correct, guess I'm not so "ignorant" after all. I'm not dissing meth, but I understand now. my point is stated.

 

[sleepwalker]

you guys all mean well, i know that.
Been around for a while...
The thing that held me on was my irlfriend, who'd come over...
9 am i got texted it would be later.
Well, not today.

but i went to my neighbourwoman, the almost only person i trust...just to talk...honest.
and she said i take perfect care of the kids, they never been so glad and happy, since their mom left us.
But she was worried about me too.
I am not myself atm.
But i carried myself through this day with some H...better excuse i never had.
At least i am still here and know something is fucked up in my body and mind,
and as long as i know i'm going crazy, i cannot be insane!

Any advise or love is still appreciated.
I know you are real folks who care at the other end !

 

[kangaroojackaroo]

I guess I have a different opinion on the subject than you, and I certainly don't agree that voicing that particular opinion makes me "insecure about death". God damn this is what I get trying to help someone when he has no one else at a late hour and is asking "please anyone talk to me". I'll leave it at that. Sorry I couldn't be of assistance sleepwalker best of luck and bye.

Hey bro, nothing against you. I, like many amongst us here, have delt with suicidal depression for years... The OPTION of suicide is almost comforting during my lowest periods, like, the idea gives me courage, or strength, or some shit. It's allusive and twisted. I didn't mean to hijack the thread and piss on anybody's opinions. I just get a burning feeling inside when I hear someone call suicide cowardice, and that is just because of MY experience with it. You have a right to your views, and you said something helpful to the op. Please forgive me man... You were just helping out. Your advice on Kratom as well as increasing endorphins was a great suggestion I feel as well. I currently have a Kratom habit + exercise regularly to increase endorphins. It has worked wonders for me, and for an opiate habit, Kratom is the way to go on my opinion, because it's pretty mild.

Again, sorry for burning you bro. I just needed to take some diazapem and chill the fuck out.

Keep it real man.