Metamorpheus
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2023
- Messages
- 67
I know how this is gonna sound but feel it might help just getting it out there with some replies…
First off I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2020, had a bunch of brief relationships after cheating on the mother of my daughter having been together 11yrs. It was utterly shit of me and something I never thought I’d do. Spent 2 years beating myself up for it although I’m fairly sure it aas the beginning of a manic episode that I ended up medicated for. Came off the booze after 10yrs drinking more and more in Feb 2023 and haven’t touched a drop since. Was dipping in and out of a heroin/crack problem until I gave that all up in April/may last year too. Then I fell head over heels in love. And I mean seriously in love.
I was ready to commit completely, I’m 44 and I know what I want from a relationship but she was 27 and although I thought I was living a waking dream every day my mania came back in a massive way. Throughout Oct and November I was flying, not sleeping, barely eating but did get back on meds and came down again in Dec. Then she left me. Said she felt like my carer. Something I just didn’t understand as I never asked her to help me in any way and am used to doing life myself - I guess I presented as someone not in control of themselves enough or too open to risks (which I guess I am, I was really doing the best I’ve ever done at keeping things together except for then becoming manic).
But fuck me, every single day I wake with thoughts of her. Almost every 5mins I’m back going over conversations we had/wish we’d had. I think about the amazing sex we used to have and just how different I felt with her. So fucking alive. And then looking back on almost all my relationships they were built around drug use or mania. And I’m honestly at the end of really wanting to be here any more.
I was checked into a mental health unit Sunday night after admitting I was close to taking an overdose and still waiting to be seen now. All I want is for the pain to go away because since she left it’s all I really feel. I imagine this will all fade with time but the sense of returning to ‘usual’ depressed, nihilistic and anhedonic me is overwhelming. Apart from playing music with others I can’t find joy in anything.
First off I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2020, had a bunch of brief relationships after cheating on the mother of my daughter having been together 11yrs. It was utterly shit of me and something I never thought I’d do. Spent 2 years beating myself up for it although I’m fairly sure it aas the beginning of a manic episode that I ended up medicated for. Came off the booze after 10yrs drinking more and more in Feb 2023 and haven’t touched a drop since. Was dipping in and out of a heroin/crack problem until I gave that all up in April/may last year too. Then I fell head over heels in love. And I mean seriously in love.
I was ready to commit completely, I’m 44 and I know what I want from a relationship but she was 27 and although I thought I was living a waking dream every day my mania came back in a massive way. Throughout Oct and November I was flying, not sleeping, barely eating but did get back on meds and came down again in Dec. Then she left me. Said she felt like my carer. Something I just didn’t understand as I never asked her to help me in any way and am used to doing life myself - I guess I presented as someone not in control of themselves enough or too open to risks (which I guess I am, I was really doing the best I’ve ever done at keeping things together except for then becoming manic).
But fuck me, every single day I wake with thoughts of her. Almost every 5mins I’m back going over conversations we had/wish we’d had. I think about the amazing sex we used to have and just how different I felt with her. So fucking alive. And then looking back on almost all my relationships they were built around drug use or mania. And I’m honestly at the end of really wanting to be here any more.
I was checked into a mental health unit Sunday night after admitting I was close to taking an overdose and still waiting to be seen now. All I want is for the pain to go away because since she left it’s all I really feel. I imagine this will all fade with time but the sense of returning to ‘usual’ depressed, nihilistic and anhedonic me is overwhelming. Apart from playing music with others I can’t find joy in anything.