Life feels like it’s over again

[Metamorpheus]

I know how this is gonna sound but feel it might help just getting it out there with some replies…

First off I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2020, had a bunch of brief relationships after cheating on the mother of my daughter having been together 11yrs. It was utterly shit of me and something I never thought I’d do. Spent 2 years beating myself up for it although I’m fairly sure it aas the beginning of a manic episode that I ended up medicated for. Came off the booze after 10yrs drinking more and more in Feb 2023 and haven’t touched a drop since. Was dipping in and out of a heroin/crack problem until I gave that all up in April/may last year too. Then I fell head over heels in love. And I mean seriously in love.

I was ready to commit completely, I’m 44 and I know what I want from a relationship but she was 27 and although I thought I was living a waking dream every day my mania came back in a massive way. Throughout Oct and November I was flying, not sleeping, barely eating but did get back on meds and came down again in Dec. Then she left me. Said she felt like my carer. Something I just didn’t understand as I never asked her to help me in any way and am used to doing life myself - I guess I presented as someone not in control of themselves enough or too open to risks (which I guess I am, I was really doing the best I’ve ever done at keeping things together except for then becoming manic).

But fuck me, every single day I wake with thoughts of her. Almost every 5mins I’m back going over conversations we had/wish we’d had. I think about the amazing sex we used to have and just how different I felt with her. So fucking alive. And then looking back on almost all my relationships they were built around drug use or mania. And I’m honestly at the end of really wanting to be here any more.

I was checked into a mental health unit Sunday night after admitting I was close to taking an overdose and still waiting to be seen now. All I want is for the pain to go away because since she left it’s all I really feel. I imagine this will all fade with time but the sense of returning to ‘usual’ depressed, nihilistic and anhedonic me is overwhelming. Apart from playing music with others I can’t find joy in anything.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Have you tried to contact her and talk to her about this?

 

[Metamorpheus]

I have and got a reply that she was keen to ‘clear the air’. Having thought about it all I’m just not sure what good it would do to see her again as I know I’d find it very difficult and would only really want an outcome of her changing her mind and looking to restart the relationship. Anything other than that and I think I’d walk away hurt again. I’m going to just give it time. At the end of the day she didn’t want to be with me and threw the chance away so why should I give her any more of my attention? For the moment I need to look after myself and I don’t know if that really involved seeing her.

 

[Kingoffrogs]

Well, sounds like a mid-life crisis or a potential one, here's your chance for an excuse to buy a muscle car!

Having thought about it all I’m just not sure what good it would do to see her again as I know I’d find it very difficult and would only really want an outcome of her changing her mind and looking to restart the relationship.

There is only one way to find out, and it will do you no good to sit there waiting and ruminating on it more than you have. The things that are worth doing are almost always difficult. Also you will have to be ready to accept an outcome that you will not be happy with.

I imagine this will all fade with time but the sense of returning to ‘usual’ depressed, nihilistic and anhedonic me is overwhelming.

You are absolutely right it will fade with time, but why does the "you" that you return to have to be depressed, nihilistic, and anhedonic? Yes, you have Bipolar, but by labeling yourself the above you may begin to behave in ways that serve to fit those labels consciously or subconsciously.

I’m going to just give it time. At the end of the day she didn’t want to be with me and threw the chance away so why should I give her any more of my attention?

This is what my generation would refer to as, "sigma" behavior.

I guess I presented as someone not in control of themselves enough or too open to risks (which I guess I am, I was really doing the best I’ve ever done at keeping things together except for then becoming manic).

Good, that means you've got it figured out. Sure, you went manic for a bit, but now you know exactly what you have to do in order to live happily and healthily. Sometimes we need a take 2, or take 3, or take 100. I know I have.

Good luck fellow BLer, I hope you are doing a little better each day.

 

[Metamorpheus]

Thanks for reply, the days do seem a little lighter now that I’ve started on olanzapine. Sleeping a bit better too. I had to look up ‘sigma’ male and yes, it does sound like me. I just don’t think that meeting her (at the moment) would benefit me and I don’t feel that I should go through with it solely because she feels it would “clear the air”. No idea what needs to be clearer other than what her choice has already shown me.

It feels embarrassing to have been so affected but the feeling of being in love with her was honestly the strongest I’ve felt it since I was about 19/20. So over 20 years ago. However, it is good to know I can still feel that way when I haven’t do so long. Probably a lot to do with being off of the drink, heroin and crack. We did do a fair bit of ketamine together and also had the strongest trip I’ve had on ket and lsd - in it we both had visions of a future together that only came to light once we got together and shared what had really happened. So I thought we were basically fated to be together. And god how she felt and smelt like home. I’ll never forget how hugging her brought with it a sense of having found my ‘home’ again. Something I rarely ever feel anymore having moved around so much. Counting the times I’ve upped and moved house comes to about 50 times.

So it felt amazing to find that feeling in a person as beautiful and engaging as her.

 

[Metamorpheus]

And yep, Im well aware of the narrative I write for myself, as a psych nurse I’m very much a believer that it’s the personal narrative of ourselves that dictates our lives. The problem is, it IS true that I’ve spent the majority of my life struggling with feelings of loneliness, emptiness and loss. However, that was in the past and I’m becoming more open to things changing now that I have my addictions under much more control. Still take buprenorphine each day and now sodium valproate and olanzapine. Occasionally do ketamine although my experiences of that have changed a great deal - can’t tell if it’s the K or me that’s changed though. Having spent over half of my life using drugs extensively it’s an odd adjustment but one that needs to happen. I’ll still let myself take psychedelics on occasion but I don’t have that pull towards a full blown addiction like I used to.

 

[garygroundwork]

I know how this is gonna sound but feel it might help just getting it out there with some replies…

First off I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2020, had a bunch of brief relationships after cheating on the mother of my daughter having been together 11yrs. It was utterly shit of me and something I never thought I’d do. Spent 2 years beating myself up for it although I’m fairly sure it aas the beginning of a manic episode that I ended up medicated for. Came off the booze after 10yrs drinking more and more in Feb 2023 and haven’t touched a drop since. Was dipping in and out of a heroin/crack problem until I gave that all up in April/may last year too. Then I fell head over heels in love. And I mean seriously in love.

I was ready to commit completely, I’m 44 and I know what I want from a relationship but she was 27 and although I thought I was living a waking dream every day my mania came back in a massive way. Throughout Oct and November I was flying, not sleeping, barely eating but did get back on meds and came down again in Dec. Then she left me. Said she felt like my carer. Something I just didn’t understand as I never asked her to help me in any way and am used to doing life myself - I guess I presented as someone not in control of themselves enough or too open to risks (which I guess I am, I was really doing the best I’ve ever done at keeping things together except for then becoming manic).

But fuck me, every single day I wake with thoughts of her. Almost every 5mins I’m back going over conversations we had/wish we’d had. I think about the amazing sex we used to have and just how different I felt with her. So fucking alive. And then looking back on almost all my relationships they were built around drug use or mania. And I’m honestly at the end of really wanting to be here any more.

I was checked into a mental health unit Sunday night after admitting I was close to taking an overdose and still waiting to be seen now. All I want is for the pain to go away because since she left it’s all I really feel. I imagine this will all fade with time but the sense of returning to ‘usual’ depressed, nihilistic and anhedonic me is overwhelming. Apart from playing music with others I can’t find joy in anything.

Mate. Each time some you actually are in love with someone that leaves you it feels like you life is over (no matter your age).

It doesn't happen too many times in your life but when it does it's fkn like the end of the world.

But I hear you I guess the older you are it's probably worse because those opportunities and finding the perfect person (like you had) aren't going to come around too often.

I don't want to use the obvious cliches but some of them are god dam true:

Time brother-time heals all wounds. So true
Start investing in yourself-health and finances
Keep busy
Hobbies

I know that stuff isn't rocket science and it probably doesn't help you right now but it's true.

And I know what you are going through. Trust me. It's like the death of a love one. It's fkn brutal. Can't sleep can't eat can't get it off your mind, that constant anxiety buzz through your body.

Without sounding like a broken record or cliched things will get better man, trust me.

I love valium in severe times like these. It's my go too.

 

[Metamorpheus]

Mate. Each time some you actually are in love with someone that leaves you it feels like you life is over (no matter your age).

It doesn't happen too many times in your life but when it does it's fkn like the end of the world.

But I hear you I guess the older you are it's probably worse because those opportunities and finding the perfect person (like you had) aren't going to come around too often.

I don't want to use the obvious cliches but some of them are god dam true:

Time brother-time heals all wounds. So true
Start investing in yourself-health and finances
Keep busy
Hobbies

I know that stuff isn't rocket science and it probably doesn't help you right now but it's true.

And I know what you are going through. Trust me. It's like the death of a love one. It's fkn brutal. Can't sleep can't eat can't get it off your mind, that constant anxiety buzz through your body.

Without sounding like a broken record or cliched things will get better man, trust me.

I love valium in severe times like these. It's my go too.

Thank you mate, I do believe time will heal it as I can feel a shift in how I’m thinking already. Like if she were to come back and say she’d want to start again I know I wouldn’t be able to in the same way at all, maybe AT ALL. Having the mania bubbling away in the background made it even more intense but basically, if she couldn’t ride out my illness with me then she’s not the person for me.

I really appreciate the time you and others have spent to reply, this one was a really hard one to get over. It’ll be ‘interesting’ to see what it’s like at work when we bump into each other. Although I can also see that this is a very good kick up the butt to change jobs (something I’ve been mulling over for a while now).

 

[garygroundwork]

Although I can also see that this is a very good kick up the butt to change jobs (something I’ve been mulling over for a while now).

This is a great start, shifting your thinking.

Out of every negative there is always a positive. Sometimes it can be real to find but there always is.

 

[garygroundwork]

How you doing OP??

struggling?

 

[Metamorpheus]

Thanks for checking in, I’m doing okay. Finding a way through each day although I wouldn’t call it much fun at the moment. Been in touch with ex girlfriend to ask if she wanted to meet up to get some closure but she was adamant she didn’t want to discuss anything relationship oriented so I said best we don’t then. I did need to ask about her views of me towards the end of it so it’d only annoy her.

Still in the process of getting back to work so doing reduced hours for a few weeks. Life still feels pretty stuck but I’ve been here before. I honestly don’t feel I’ve got many of the skills to make it more enjoyable, without using substances I just don’t know what to do really. I missed out of ‘finding my tribe’ and have always been a bit shit when it comes to socialising. Which is why work works well at grounding me socially.

Gonna be keeping an eye out for a new job as this could well shift things in a positive light.

 

[garygroundwork]

I think break ups the hardest thing a person has to go through in life. Especially when you are the one who is getting cut of the blue and you are the one in love.

Tough bro. Just keep chugging along.

 

[Metamorpheus]

It is. Loving someone who doesn’t love you is incredibly tough and I haven’t been here since over 20 years ago. Plus she seems to have an opinion of me based from my manic episode, not from the person I am at baseline. That hurts. I just wish she could’ve stuck it out for me to become well again.

 

[G_Chem]

It is tough. I can relate as I’m with someone right now that makes me feel the way you describe and I haven’t felt like this since I was 18 yrs old. It’s a hot and cold relationship and times things go cold it’s like a drug being ripped away from me, I go into WD hard. Love/infatuation is stronger than any drug known to man.

I think you should look at your K use. It’s mania inducing and I’ve seen in myself how it can fuck up relationships even at low infrequent doses.

But I can also relate to women only becoming attracted when you’re on one.. Every relationship I’ve been in started when I was flying high then I have to slowly integrate in my actual self to see if they really like me. Makes me feel like as though the real me is never good enough.

-GC

 

[skipjames]

she seems to have an opinion of me based from my manic episode, not from the person I am at baseline

then she s clearly not someone you can stay with , as you have said

if she couldn’t ride out my illness with me then she’s not the person for me.

I m convinced that some people are more equipped than others at dealing with people with certain issues.
I for one can handle people with depression ( my wife of almost 10 years and some of y best friends have chronic depression,maybe we kinda attract each other because I m the complete opposite ) but I m ashamed to say that I ve always find extremely hard dealing with bipolars, even as friends and especially as romantic partners ( I ve had a bipolar gf and what a complete disaster it was for the both f us). Totally my loss, but one should be aware of his limits and of the limits of the others, for instance starting any kind of relationship with someone who can t handle people with substance abuse issues would be a loss of time if not a complete disaster both for me and the persons involved.

Loving someone who doesn’t love you is incredibly tough and I haven’t been here since over 20 years ag

Love is either mutual or is no love at all , it s more a form of self harm simila to drug abuse (even worse, it s like having all the cons of drug use without the pros). Sorry if i sound like an ass but one of my biggest regrets in life is having spent so much effort and having suffered so much trying to attain the love or the friendship r at least the respect of people who were not meant for me. Better put that energy looking for people who can accept and love us for who we are, flaws and issues included. I wish you good luck and a quick recovery !

 

[Dextro .45]

I know how this is gonna sound but feel it might help just getting it out there with some replies…

First off I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2020, had a bunch of brief relationships after cheating on the mother of my daughter having been together 11yrs. It was utterly shit of me and something I never thought I’d do. Spent 2 years beating myself up for it although I’m fairly sure it aas the beginning of a manic episode that I ended up medicated for. Came off the booze after 10yrs drinking more and more in Feb 2023 and haven’t touched a drop since. Was dipping in and out of a heroin/crack problem until I gave that all up in April/may last year too. Then I fell head over heels in love. And I mean seriously in love.

I was ready to commit completely, I’m 44 and I know what I want from a relationship but she was 27 and although I thought I was living a waking dream every day my mania came back in a massive way. Throughout Oct and November I was flying, not sleeping, barely eating but did get back on meds and came down again in Dec. Then she left me. Said she felt like my carer. Something I just didn’t understand as I never asked her to help me in any way and am used to doing life myself - I guess I presented as someone not in control of themselves enough or too open to risks (which I guess I am, I was really doing the best I’ve ever done at keeping things together except for then becoming manic).

But fuck me, every single day I wake with thoughts of her. Almost every 5mins I’m back going over conversations we had/wish we’d had. I think about the amazing sex we used to have and just how different I felt with her. So fucking alive. And then looking back on almost all my relationships they were built around drug use or mania. And I’m honestly at the end of really wanting to be here any more.

I was checked into a mental health unit Sunday night after admitting I was close to taking an overdose and still waiting to be seen now. All I want is for the pain to go away because since she left it’s all I really feel. I imagine this will all fade with time but the sense of returning to ‘usual’ depressed, nihilistic and anhedonic me is overwhelming. Apart from playing music with others I can’t find joy in anything.

Maybe print this off and mail it to her ?

a candid, honest account of your feelings towards her, etc ….she might find it nice

 

[Metamorpheus]

Maybe print this off and mail it to her ?

a candid, honest account of your feelings towards her, etc ….she might find it nice

Thank you for the suggestion but I really think it’ll just be an emotional overload and too ‘about me’. I’ve messaged her to say I’m in a slightly better place and would be happy to meet to just make working together easier. Awaiting a reply…

 

[snmfmy]

At the end of the day she didn’t want to be with me and threw the chance away so why should I give her any more of my attention?

Because you're the one that has bipolar depression with mania, that affects his behavior to such a degree that he binges on drugs, and cheats and destroys an 11-year relationship, as well as becoming so anhedonic you want to kill yourself.


Perhaps she wasn't prepared to deal with someone whose mania and depression have such an effect on their life. Perhaps she really cares for you, but she just will never be prepared to live with someone that has that kind of psychological condition.

 

[snmfmy]

Love is either mutual or is no love at all ,

I completely disagree. Romantic love for someone else that's unrequited is still love. And oftentimes when the lover knows it can't be returned or reciprocated. They perform labors of love that have changed the world.

The Taj Mahal is an example of a labor of love based on unrequited love because his wife was dead when he started building it.

Does the fact that someone doesn't love you back? Make your love any less powerful or real? No, of course it doesn't.

 

[Metamorpheus]

Because you're the one that has bipolar depression with mania, that affects his behavior to such a degree that he binges on drugs, and cheats and destroys an 11-year relationship, as well as becoming so anhedonic you want to kill yourself.


Perhaps she wasn't prepared to deal with someone whose mania and depression have such an effect on their life. Perhaps she really cares for you, but she just will never be prepared to live with someone that has that kind of psychological condition.

Yep, this is pretty much where I’m leaning these days.