Life as I Know It - critique if you please

[New]

Forlorn and scorn worn
Discord born from desires torn
Mourning sloth and constant porn
Pleasure-shorn, while it makes me yearn
for the news of booze to cruise
and return to cause the pause
of work's burn
A conflagration of much discern
Turns night into a flight right
out of sight and routs with no
measure my leisure bouts akin
to strokes and seizures - it's spin
jokes back and pokes back life's flooding
and budding fizz and crackle,
tackling my buddying
muddying my shine
And intertwining with a whizz
Spackling the white walls with all
standing, expanding too tall for my pall
It squeezes mercilessly like a lime
for my spirit, worth and time.

 

[leiphos]

the repetitive vowel sounds are kind of gimmicky...

 

[SpunkySkunk347]

Rhyming schemes are essentially overrated in my mind.
They are stereotypical in poetry, and I rarely use them in any writing.

 

[SmokeTrails]

funny... i really liked it... best line was the first 2 i think... started it off really well...

 

[Jabberwocky]

while rhyming is overdone it does not mean that i cannot be done well or interestingly. I appreciate the rhyming i think it adds to the actions in the scenario.