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life and drugs

C

copelandia.

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 11, 2006
Messages
144
Location
Desert Island
dark, four cornered cube
incurable boredom and sadness
impossible to turn back
begrudging the world of madness

human made sounds evoking depression
the look of the train station is terrorising
bleak future, every day in succession
waiting for the day when the sun stops rising

life and drugs
and drugs
drugs

cure me for one day
tomorrow is tomorrow
watching rain hit the clay
throwing rocks at the wheelbarrow

broken bus stops
gutters filled with rain water
sirens, door opens, cops
arrest for posession

life and drugs
and drugs
drugs
 
You're taking the wrong drugs at the wrong time.

I can tell because you suggested that a cube has four corners. 8)
 
Erothyme said:
You're taking the wrong drugs at the wrong time.

I can tell because you suggested that a cube has four corners. 8)
Click to expand...

wow dude thats an ultra douche comment....but your right. =/
 
Practice your meter & get away from angst. To be good, we all start bad ;)
 
Mau I suggest

Trapped in the corner of a cube
incurable boredom and sadness
impossible for me to turn my back
begrudging the world it's madness

human sounds evoke depression
train station seems to terrorize
futures bleak each day succession
waiting till the sun don't rise

life and drugs
drugs and life

cure me if for just one day
tomorrows just tomorrow
watching rain drops hit the clay
splashing mud and sorrow

bus stop broken,
gutters overfilled with rain,
the sirens, badges & cops
arrest for posession's a pain

life and drugs
drugs and life



Keep going on this, it takes me 10 rewrites before publishing
I edited again, but it's still not right
 
Last edited:
^^^TBH I prefer the original better. The rewrite you did changes a lot of the subjects in the line and really alters what the poem to the author was about. Also the repeated use of life and drugs, and drugs, drugs works a lot better than the life and drugs, drugs and life because it feels to me that its perfectly represtative of what taking drugs (for a prolonged period) can be life. It's life and drugs, and drugs, drugs. The life becomes less important than the high.

Good work :D
 
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