Letting go of Old Friends

[malakaix]

Who's gone through this process? What was your experience like, did you find it difficult or easy and what was your reason?

At 23 i'm currently going through this; i have for the most part drifted from my current social group with the exception of one or two close friends. But even with them im finding myself less interested in their company. I've always held the notion that people come into your life to help you sort through issues within yourself, and vice versa.. whether either party is aware of it or not. The friendship might last months, years or in some cases a lifetime.. but at some point you have to walk your own path.

A part of me feels like an asshole for drifting away, but i think at some point once the friendship has fulfilled it's purpose you tend to outgrow it, and move on in an entirely new direction. I'm not saying i'll never see these people again, but they are longer no a prominent part of my life. I think the same could be applied for family.

Just wondering what others thoughts are on this?

 

[34-dihydroxyphen]

Been there and done that. It's one of three key factors that lead to the excruciating levels of social isolation I currently suffer from, but it was worth it. I have zero regrets about it, we got along as kids but grew up to be different people. I can't be fucking around in the drug game anymore, either. Dudes driving 90 MPH with a pound of weed in the trunk and 30 hits of acid on the front seat (not exaggerating or making this up). I didn't want to end up in jail or worse based on their shit.

Anyways, to reiterate, it's one of the best decisions I ever made, despite the long term ramifications I am currently suffering. I'm sure I can just look/call them up and not be alone anymore, but I would rather be alone than deal with that bullshit. I'd say, if you are absolutely positive that this is the direction you want to go, you should do it. You will be much happier. People just need new friends when they come into adulthood.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

It's just part of life. Years and years later, you'll probably bump into each other again when your interests align again.

 

[psood0nym]

I think it's partially a sub-conscious recognition of, and emotional adjustment to, modern economic and technological realities. For the longest time we stayed where we grew up, and family and lifetime friends were necessary if we wanted to feel close to others. We had to compromise and accept as there was no choice. Now after school (you are 23, so it’s not surprising you’re having these thoughs) many are necessarily displaced to far off locations by career seeking, or a spouse’s desires, and everyone understands this is commonplace (I've personally moved far away because of my girlfriend). Not only do we have the opportunity to leave our old friends and family, we have an incentive to that's widely accepted. There's probably some ego motivation aspect to it, too, as we are faced with the choice to leave them or simply wait for them to leave us first and be the sad townie who can’t adapt (not that I think that, but I perceive it in the attitudes of others). I understand what you’re saying, but I think it’s a very new attitude that involves an enormous variety of important choices we’re not as well equipped to process as when we were simply stuck where we were, so we rationalize and delude ourselves so we can keep moving “forward.” Sometimes this is for our own good, sometimes not -- it's pretty much impossible to know, though thankfully we nearly always conclude the former.

 

[ugly]

Who's gone through this process? What was your experience like, did you find it difficult or easy and what was your reason?

Hi malakaix,
I am 54. I have had to let them all go at one time or another. I have never found it particularly easy. I can only say that as the years go on, I worry about it less and less. I have learned through experience that for me, no one stays.

Now when I make friends with some new, I'm not forthcoming or candid about my life. I'm not cold but with a reserve caused by knowing that friends have never stayed. I wouldn't know how to act if they did, tbph.

 

[dazed53]

I have recently let go of a few old friends who I was close with in college. They couldnt accept me for me, and will not speak to me anymore

 

[Pagey]

I ended up letting go of a number of friends (well it was pretty mutual actually, we just kind of lost touch) when I moved away to university. Some of them I still talk to a bit but it's not the same, some of them I just don't talk to anymore. Most of the time it wasn't too painful because it made sense I guess, we didn't live in the same country anymore, we'd hardly ever be able to see each other, we'd meet lots of new people, we were following different paths in life...it did really hurt with a couple friends I thought I was close to though. But hey as you said, every friendship has its time and place so there's not much to do but move on.
You're not an asshole for drifting away - you'd be much more of one if you pretended you wanted to stay friends with them. Most friendships just don't last.

 

[pofacedhoe]

i have lots of friends that i only see on rare occasions but i chat to them on the phone. at one point we were close but now they live far away. skype is free. if you cant work that one out then there's no hope lol

yes some friendships just fade out. thats just life.

but i will stress that you have to actively make friends and maintain friendships that you want to keep

also if you hang around with a group of people, you can fall out of that group and no-one will give a huge shit. point being that one on one friendships are different from group aquaintances

 

[llama112]

I've never had a hard time moving on from old friends. If they aren't able to keep in contact with me and vice versa, then so be it. I just think, that was fun, a good experience. But things changes. We move on. You find new friends.

 

[HarrytheHead]

Sometimes friends drift apart due to differing interests. For example if you had friends during a drug phase and drifted apart because you stopped using, this would be a good thing. Just make sure to hold on to the good ones.

 

[Derschieber]

Friendships drift in and out of our lives, but friendships like those formed during childhood / adolescence are special...usually friendships like that can not be built later in life.

It is not wise to have many friends...
You have to be friendly to them all.
(King Solomon)

 

[Tude]

I've never had a hard time moving on from old friends. If they aren't able to keep in contact with me and vice versa, then so be it. I just think, that was fun, a good experience. But things changes. We move on. You find new friends.

Same here.