ehead: I feel your pain. Reading your post suggests you are taking the klonopin more out of an attempt to feel loved/less lonely rather than for direct anxiety relief. In other words you aren't taking k because getting on an airplane makes feel like you are going to die but rather for social issues. You want the k to help you make friends and feel less lonely and numb the pain of your life right now.
Well maybe that isn't quite it, but it is something like my situation (emotionally no brain damage yet
). In either case I will share some observations.
Klonopin (and benzos in general) really aren't the type of drugs you can just take to make this shit better. If I take a bunch of k I find myself very easily finding myself depressed, seeing life as meaningless and finding myself very very very lonely. It can be a tool, in moderate doses in appropriate situations it can let you be more social make friends etc.. but it is far from a magic bulet and taking too much makes things worse.
Now I really wish I could give you some nice fuzzy advice about how there are people out there who will love you and care for you. Well this is true, most people can bound with most others. Look out at the world and see what kind of complete losers have friends and lovers. Fuck, people lavish love on damn furry slobbery dogs there are probably tons of people who would be very close friends if the right things happened.
Unfortunatly people keep up barriers between themselves. Revealing your true self leaves you open to rejection. There are millions of other souls sliding past you every day burning with loneliness, a lonlieness that under the right conditions you could fill.
This is why e and raves are so attractive (tho the last rave I went to in SF was way to fucking trendy and no PLUR). For a few magic hours we are unafraind of revealing our true selves, we are filled with joy as we discover others like ourselves that, at least for the moment, care for us. Heroin, oxy, coke, meth, are all fun but a good roll is a return to the garden of eden. A brief paradise where we can taste life without original sin.
Unfortunatly these friendships, these magical connections made on e *usually* don't last. For one night we may share all our needs desires and wants with a girl we just met. Yet morning comes and those connections don't last. We are self concious again and while at heart we may all be similar our superficial values differ. The sad truth is that friendships/relationships are truly founded on convience and proximity rather than any real special connection. If you want friends just go find something you like doing that others do as well, repeat activity with same group of people. Invariably you will become friends. If you do this with a single girl soon you will become lovers and convinced you are soul mates (until of course one of you spots something better).
You can make friends, half the people on this board would probably be willing to be your friends. I however am on klonopin as I speak and am overwhelmed with the pointlessness of it all. Sure you can make friends but they never really know you. Finding people who you can truly just be yourself with and be accepted are going to be tough as fuck to find.
Just screw it and become a heroin addict. If society is designed to alienate and isolate the individual drop out.
Anyway after that depressive rant might provide some practical advice. If I take klonopin and am feeling lonely etc.. weed works wonders (this post was originally going to be much more bitter but now im stoned). Also helpfull are stims (tho this can cause anxiety probs) even mere ephedrine can be helpfull but I would say weed is better. Cutting down on the k and using them only when you need them is probably a good idea too (which I should follow). I think tolerance to the anviolytic effects grows much faster than to the depresion/lonlieness inducing ones.
BTW on that taking 8 how long did you let it kick in. Klonopin onset can be a couple hours which also makes it much more subtle.
[ 27 April 2002: Message edited by: quale ]
