Kkajun

[Kkajun]

Hello everyone. I don't know anything about this site. Stumbled across it while searching to OD. Got to be truthful cause without truth we are of no substance. Been living with chronic pain now for 20 odd years. Previously worked as BSN RN for 15. Rounding corner to 60 now. Lost my life to a bad spine and bad surgeries under "skillful" hands. June 13th had my approx. tenth ortho surgery. L3-4 and L4-5 fusion. Twice as bad now as I was. I told Doctor my problem started with S1 but he didn't listen. Waking from surgery was the worst experience in my life. Felt like fireworks going off in my legs with extreme muscle spasms that you couldn't touch because the fireworks sensations become worse. Days in agony. Begging my life to end. And while on Fentanyl 100/48 hrs,Percocet 10/4hrs,neurontin 600/3D and called out Valium 5/12hrs. Never in my life have I even imagined pain could get that severe.i firmly requested OFF fentanyl, been on it 5 years and to try Opana ER. Got to change something up or my life is completely over. I think the stats on overdose don't take into account people like me. Not every OD is accidental. How in God's name is a person expected to endure pain each day at an 8-10 with no relief. Lost 20 pounds, can't sleep, bowels won't work on their own anymore. I am just so tired and drained and diificult to my family. I had a wonderful life and career and now I am bedridden and ready to give up. Weaned down to fentanyl 75/48hrs, increased neurontin 1200/3 times day. And trying to get approval from insurance for Opana ER 20/ever 12. I just see no way out but one at this time. PM spoke of stimulator implant. Why heck wasn't I offered this years ago? Before unsuccessful and blotched surgeries?? I am looking for hope. Or looking for final peace for I know where my resting place shall be. I tried drugs in the seventies but I am ADHD and always liked my nature high to synthetic highs. I don't abuse my meds, never have and don't drink alcohol. A job no longer seems likely for me. I survive on less than half of what I did while working. I am useless to myself, my family and anyone else at this point. Companionship with a chronic painer just isn't in the cards. Where did my life go? And is there hope in the future? Antidepressants don't work on ADHD people. I don't want to be zoned out. I just want the pain to stop and be marketable in life and employment again. Thanks and sorry so long but just thanks. And the best to everyone out there. May your joy for life never leave you. May you find rest in sleep and hope with the dawn. May you always feel needed and useful and life rewarding. And may I figure this site out and do appropriately.

 

[Notsoprettyinpink]

You're not useless. I keep telling myself the same, exact thing right now. I have multiple spinal cord problems and an incurable disorder which is said to be one of the top ten most painful disorders known to date. Our only differennes is I obtained some of my pain meds for free from a family member because my doctor (pain management) refused to up my dose saying it could make me worse (I've found no documentation backing it up) and just keeps upping all my slew of other meds. I actually take the highest dose of Gabapentin (6,700 mgs per day).

As for the neurostimulator implant? I had the trial and I HATED it. I felt l Iike I was sticking wet hands into electrical sockets when I turned it on. Yet I heard it works miraculously for some.

Right now I'm in a bind because I've been taking something for pain I wasn't prescribed but it was either that or I felt like overdosing on the meds I do have and could. And to be honest came close once recently at succeeding. Besides I have no friends anyway, my husband is an abusive piece of crap but I do have a 15 year old son (through my ex husband) and that's what stopped me yet now? I have an appointment on Thursday and I'm going to fail the urinalysis so I can't go. Maybe not even for weeks. Now? I've not taken any pain meds in 8 days (feel free to read my thread) and feel the worst ever.

I've seen all pain management doctors in my area and none can help me. The one I have now? At each appointment he even "forgets" what I have. I go in, he gives me epidurals, hands me my script and tosses me out the door.

You're not alone and I'll be here for you as much as possible. Maybe together we can keep each other at least a little bit sane. And by the way, I also have a medical field background but can no longer work. Much love to you and keep talking. It does help at least a tiny bit

 

[DixiChik]

Hello and WELCOME. I suffer horridly also. I can empathize.

 

[Notsoprettyinpink]

I wish you'd glance on here and at least say something, anything. I can fully empathize with you and would "talk" to you anytime. Day or night. Much love

 

[Notsoprettyinpink]

Yet I know it's often hard. Severe pain and illness especially if it becomes so debilitating as yours has (but again, I mostly likely will be in your exact position someday. Plus, of course the depression, the seclusion. I think of you daily even though I only read this one and only thread you began. You're in my prayers and heart