1fastgsxr
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2015
- Messages
- 24
Hey bluelighters,
Looking for some support...maybe someone going through the same thing in hopes we can help each other out.
I'm in my late 20's, I have a great family, great friends, my dream job...everything I could ask for. Well, maybe a little debt due to student loans, bad financial choices in my late teens, and recently a recreational drug habit that has gotten a little out of control. That, and I'm single while all my friends are married or engaged... but that's the least of my concerns...I think I have to get my life together before I start getting another person involved.
This part might be a little long but I feel it's relevant to my story. If you don't have the time or patience, scroll down near the bottom bolded section.
Little background, I started smoking weed around 12...drinking alcohol shortly there after. Smoked cigarettes like a chimney. No, I do not blame marijuana as a gateway drug, but I did have easy access to it and it provided me with the escape I was looking for. I was a troubled teen; luckily never ended up arrested or in any major trouble. I sold marijuana and various drugs for years; mostly because it provided me with a generous income that trumped my BS retail job and allowed me to afford my heavy weed habit. I got a rush out of it too.
In retrospect, I was always a little depressed and had serious anger management problems. I have been running from my issues my entire life. I dabbled with various drugs...pills, psychedelics, anything I could get my hands on. I (luckily) never got hooked on anything longterm however, I think I was just "addicted" to the escape I got from reality. I had a little stint with cocaine which was tough to get free from, but I haven't touched the stuff or had any cravings since. I also smoked cigarettes for several years from my early teens to college but I quit cold turkey. Boy was that tough.... after several years I rarely get cravings. I rarely have a cigarette if I'm out drinking, but it ends up making me sick and I never want to touch one again.
Flash forward, I barely graduated high school because I thought it was a waste of time. I stopped caring. As stupid as my decisions were, I was actually pretty smart (maybe a bit too smart for my own good). I managed to forge some doctor's notes and manipulate my way through. With the help of my awesome mother, I got accepted into a decent state university. I got my own place on campus and out of no where, the weed I once loved started causing intense paranoia. I quit smoking all together and did the typical college binge drinking thing. I didn't do so hot my first year in college, mostly due to laziness. I began partying on the weekends and alcohol became so enjoyable that I found myself having a tall glass of vodka when I woke up, hitting up any party I could find, and finishing off every night with another tall glass of vodka just to sleep. I even had a few drinks at my shitty job merely because it put me in such a good mood. I even got employee of the month at the time; a time where I was secretly a functional alcoholic.
Well, things soon changed for me...shortly after I moved back home for the summer, one of my parents died unexpectedly. I was devastated. My life went from happy-go-lucky to a complete standstill. My life could have gone two directions...either I continue my path of self destruction or I use it as a wake up all. I chose the latter, I got myself together. I quit drinking and chose the path of sobriety. I met a wonderful man who I began dating. He was my rock during the hardest time of my life. We moved in together and I didn't touch a sip of alcohol or a single drug for an entire year. I still had issues, I was angry and bitter; I was mad at the world and I felt robbed for losing a parent without reason and without warning. I found a new coping mechanism; exercise. I became obsessed and turned it into a temporary career. I felt like a new person and looking back on my old self I couldn't believe I was the same person. My boyfriend was so supportive and he was an absolute crutch for me at this time. After a little over a year, I felt I was healthy enough to indulge in alcohol from time to time. I never again fell back into my alcoholic ways. Sure, there were some nights I overdid it, but I think we're all guilty of that. Still to this day, I have a pretty healthy relationship with alcohol...only on social occasions with friends, never on my own to cope with my problems.
During my college years I really got my shit together, graduated with 2 bachelor's, made the dean's list, and finished with a 4.0. When everyone was out partying, I was studying and spending time at home with my loving boyfriend. We have since split mostly due to my decision... I wanted to focus on my career and focus on myself as well. He was older and ready for marriage while I was still finding myself; I loved him to pieces but the timing just wasn't right. I can't thank him enough for helping me through some of the most difficult times of my life.
Flash Forward to reason for this post:
Well, I successfully landed my dream job! Just a few months out of college! I couldn't be happier. For privacy sake, I won't disclose my career but I work long hours and my job is extremely stressful. I've been there 3 years now and I've gotten nothing but praise in a position where new-graduates RARELY start out in. Definitely a sink or swim type of job that typically requires experience; Luckily, I picked things up quickly and have been told by my supervisor that I have exceeded expectations as a new-grad and have become one of their strongest team members. What's not to be happy about?
Well, for whatever reason I started messing around with opiates a little over a year ago. It started with a few percocets prescribed for an injury. 20 or 30 maybe...not an asinine amount that some people "accidentally" get hooked with. I'd had surgeries years back as well as dental work where I've had access to pain killers, and although I have a tendency to take more than prescribed to get a little buzz, I never sought after more or got hooked. I don't even have any friends who use drugs so I didn't even get introduced that way....
I can't recall exactly, maybe i was just having some aches and pains or was just curious, but I knew of someone who had access to various drugs. I randomly hit him up one day and ended up buying some oxycodone. I started out just taking 7.5mg or 15mg tops and got a good buzz. I ended up contacting the guy sporadically for a few 30mg tabs so I could use them to zone out during a tattoo session. I would never take more than one dose a day and my tolerance was very low. I used once or twice a week and that was it, just to zone out and relax. I remember the days when I would take 15mg and get sick from it. 8)
I never felt addicted, never had WD symptoms, and I could go weeks without using it. Worked for me since I was barely spending money and my tolerance was low so I could enjoy my small supply for a long time. I can't even tell you how it happened because I was always strict with my usage and I was always in control... but it got a hold of me. My usage became more and more frequent. A few time I dosed several times in one day. I didn't like the feeling, I would get stomach troubles (like my whole GI system just slowed down and nothing was digesting). I would feel sick, and I would get constipated. I stuck to my guns of only using once a day for that reason but as time went on that fell to the wayside. I was using more each each, and dosing several times a day. Even times when I would feel so sick and constipated... and even times when I would get urinary retention to the point I thought I would need to go to the ER to get catheterized (thank god that never happened).
Over the past few months I've spent about $1,000 on opiates. Mostly oxycodone and occasionally dilaudid. I've even gotten so low to where I have IV'ed and I SWORE I would never do that. Still, my drug of choice is oxycodone, usually orally and occasionally plugging. I went from 7.5-15mg in one occasional dose to get a great buzz, to 60-75mg a dose every few hours. Lately I was using 300mg a day. Never in a million years did I think it would get to this point.
I ran out and my source is currently dry. I've been clean for 4 days now. I had a nasty chest infection about 6 days ago and was being treated with antibiotics. I was feeling better when suddenly I started to feel like I had the flu...body aches, I was in bed for several days, couldn't work, felt weak, cold sweats, hot flashes, etc. At first I though the bug I had was progressing, but it actually seems like withdrawals.
I feel exhausted, depressed, and downright disappointed in myself. I did a light workout today but barely had the energy to do much of anything. It's a start though...I plan on sticking to my exercise regime to get myself through this. I feel alone, I'm too embarrassed to tell any of my family or friends so that's why I'm turning to you guys. Like I said... none of my friends are users and I just don't think they'd understand. Drug use is unfortunately looked down upon as a sign of weakness by the general public. I'm just hoping I can get through this and never look back. It's been over a decade of self medicating and I'm long overdue to face reality sober.
I slept through the first few days of sobriety... and I've been using naproxen for my aches/pains, valium to keep me stabilized and keep anxiety/irritability at bay. I'm getting the sneezing and drippy nose but it's tolerable. I want to manage this on my own if possible.... I'm open to some OTC or herbal supplements but the less the better. I don't think I need inpatient treatment or any support groups for two reasons: 1) my work schedule probably wouldn't allow it 2) I get social anxiety and have a fear of speaking in public.
I'm hoping someone can reach out to me, either individually or collectively so I can get through this. I think I'm already on the right path but i know this won't be easy.
Thanks for listening
Looking for some support...maybe someone going through the same thing in hopes we can help each other out.
I'm in my late 20's, I have a great family, great friends, my dream job...everything I could ask for. Well, maybe a little debt due to student loans, bad financial choices in my late teens, and recently a recreational drug habit that has gotten a little out of control. That, and I'm single while all my friends are married or engaged... but that's the least of my concerns...I think I have to get my life together before I start getting another person involved.
This part might be a little long but I feel it's relevant to my story. If you don't have the time or patience, scroll down near the bottom bolded section.
Little background, I started smoking weed around 12...drinking alcohol shortly there after. Smoked cigarettes like a chimney. No, I do not blame marijuana as a gateway drug, but I did have easy access to it and it provided me with the escape I was looking for. I was a troubled teen; luckily never ended up arrested or in any major trouble. I sold marijuana and various drugs for years; mostly because it provided me with a generous income that trumped my BS retail job and allowed me to afford my heavy weed habit. I got a rush out of it too.
In retrospect, I was always a little depressed and had serious anger management problems. I have been running from my issues my entire life. I dabbled with various drugs...pills, psychedelics, anything I could get my hands on. I (luckily) never got hooked on anything longterm however, I think I was just "addicted" to the escape I got from reality. I had a little stint with cocaine which was tough to get free from, but I haven't touched the stuff or had any cravings since. I also smoked cigarettes for several years from my early teens to college but I quit cold turkey. Boy was that tough.... after several years I rarely get cravings. I rarely have a cigarette if I'm out drinking, but it ends up making me sick and I never want to touch one again.
Flash forward, I barely graduated high school because I thought it was a waste of time. I stopped caring. As stupid as my decisions were, I was actually pretty smart (maybe a bit too smart for my own good). I managed to forge some doctor's notes and manipulate my way through. With the help of my awesome mother, I got accepted into a decent state university. I got my own place on campus and out of no where, the weed I once loved started causing intense paranoia. I quit smoking all together and did the typical college binge drinking thing. I didn't do so hot my first year in college, mostly due to laziness. I began partying on the weekends and alcohol became so enjoyable that I found myself having a tall glass of vodka when I woke up, hitting up any party I could find, and finishing off every night with another tall glass of vodka just to sleep. I even had a few drinks at my shitty job merely because it put me in such a good mood. I even got employee of the month at the time; a time where I was secretly a functional alcoholic.
Well, things soon changed for me...shortly after I moved back home for the summer, one of my parents died unexpectedly. I was devastated. My life went from happy-go-lucky to a complete standstill. My life could have gone two directions...either I continue my path of self destruction or I use it as a wake up all. I chose the latter, I got myself together. I quit drinking and chose the path of sobriety. I met a wonderful man who I began dating. He was my rock during the hardest time of my life. We moved in together and I didn't touch a sip of alcohol or a single drug for an entire year. I still had issues, I was angry and bitter; I was mad at the world and I felt robbed for losing a parent without reason and without warning. I found a new coping mechanism; exercise. I became obsessed and turned it into a temporary career. I felt like a new person and looking back on my old self I couldn't believe I was the same person. My boyfriend was so supportive and he was an absolute crutch for me at this time. After a little over a year, I felt I was healthy enough to indulge in alcohol from time to time. I never again fell back into my alcoholic ways. Sure, there were some nights I overdid it, but I think we're all guilty of that. Still to this day, I have a pretty healthy relationship with alcohol...only on social occasions with friends, never on my own to cope with my problems.
During my college years I really got my shit together, graduated with 2 bachelor's, made the dean's list, and finished with a 4.0. When everyone was out partying, I was studying and spending time at home with my loving boyfriend. We have since split mostly due to my decision... I wanted to focus on my career and focus on myself as well. He was older and ready for marriage while I was still finding myself; I loved him to pieces but the timing just wasn't right. I can't thank him enough for helping me through some of the most difficult times of my life.
Flash Forward to reason for this post:
Well, I successfully landed my dream job! Just a few months out of college! I couldn't be happier. For privacy sake, I won't disclose my career but I work long hours and my job is extremely stressful. I've been there 3 years now and I've gotten nothing but praise in a position where new-graduates RARELY start out in. Definitely a sink or swim type of job that typically requires experience; Luckily, I picked things up quickly and have been told by my supervisor that I have exceeded expectations as a new-grad and have become one of their strongest team members. What's not to be happy about?
Well, for whatever reason I started messing around with opiates a little over a year ago. It started with a few percocets prescribed for an injury. 20 or 30 maybe...not an asinine amount that some people "accidentally" get hooked with. I'd had surgeries years back as well as dental work where I've had access to pain killers, and although I have a tendency to take more than prescribed to get a little buzz, I never sought after more or got hooked. I don't even have any friends who use drugs so I didn't even get introduced that way....
I can't recall exactly, maybe i was just having some aches and pains or was just curious, but I knew of someone who had access to various drugs. I randomly hit him up one day and ended up buying some oxycodone. I started out just taking 7.5mg or 15mg tops and got a good buzz. I ended up contacting the guy sporadically for a few 30mg tabs so I could use them to zone out during a tattoo session. I would never take more than one dose a day and my tolerance was very low. I used once or twice a week and that was it, just to zone out and relax. I remember the days when I would take 15mg and get sick from it. 8)
I never felt addicted, never had WD symptoms, and I could go weeks without using it. Worked for me since I was barely spending money and my tolerance was low so I could enjoy my small supply for a long time. I can't even tell you how it happened because I was always strict with my usage and I was always in control... but it got a hold of me. My usage became more and more frequent. A few time I dosed several times in one day. I didn't like the feeling, I would get stomach troubles (like my whole GI system just slowed down and nothing was digesting). I would feel sick, and I would get constipated. I stuck to my guns of only using once a day for that reason but as time went on that fell to the wayside. I was using more each each, and dosing several times a day. Even times when I would feel so sick and constipated... and even times when I would get urinary retention to the point I thought I would need to go to the ER to get catheterized (thank god that never happened).
Over the past few months I've spent about $1,000 on opiates. Mostly oxycodone and occasionally dilaudid. I've even gotten so low to where I have IV'ed and I SWORE I would never do that. Still, my drug of choice is oxycodone, usually orally and occasionally plugging. I went from 7.5-15mg in one occasional dose to get a great buzz, to 60-75mg a dose every few hours. Lately I was using 300mg a day. Never in a million years did I think it would get to this point.
I ran out and my source is currently dry. I've been clean for 4 days now. I had a nasty chest infection about 6 days ago and was being treated with antibiotics. I was feeling better when suddenly I started to feel like I had the flu...body aches, I was in bed for several days, couldn't work, felt weak, cold sweats, hot flashes, etc. At first I though the bug I had was progressing, but it actually seems like withdrawals.
I feel exhausted, depressed, and downright disappointed in myself. I did a light workout today but barely had the energy to do much of anything. It's a start though...I plan on sticking to my exercise regime to get myself through this. I feel alone, I'm too embarrassed to tell any of my family or friends so that's why I'm turning to you guys. Like I said... none of my friends are users and I just don't think they'd understand. Drug use is unfortunately looked down upon as a sign of weakness by the general public. I'm just hoping I can get through this and never look back. It's been over a decade of self medicating and I'm long overdue to face reality sober.
I slept through the first few days of sobriety... and I've been using naproxen for my aches/pains, valium to keep me stabilized and keep anxiety/irritability at bay. I'm getting the sneezing and drippy nose but it's tolerable. I want to manage this on my own if possible.... I'm open to some OTC or herbal supplements but the less the better. I don't think I need inpatient treatment or any support groups for two reasons: 1) my work schedule probably wouldn't allow it 2) I get social anxiety and have a fear of speaking in public.
I'm hoping someone can reach out to me, either individually or collectively so I can get through this. I think I'm already on the right path but i know this won't be easy.
Thanks for listening
or maybe just for addicts like me?Either way today i am FREE?!!You can do anything you put your mind too?..If you need to talk?Reply to me and ill get back az soon az i can..if by chance i dont?? wich i mite not?.. im sure one of these other champs will help u??Keep your head up?.these forums really help..You will never see the heavenz if ur lookng down..I AM A FATHER of 4,A HUSBAND to my esposa of 21yrs, A MAN WITH A CARREER jeesh fckn turning fuckn 40 next month diaammm!!!hahaha Yeahh-i have things -alot of things- but SOBRIETY is one? thing i never really had & i strive to keep it this time..It takes alot of hard work- like a garden for instance or a relationshp...I firmly believe- Dreamz DONT WORK- if you DONT?,,So Working is very very very