Just Getting All this Crazy Nonsense Out of My Head...

[Natty_Lynne]

Just did another bump and even with all the chemicals in me my head won't be quiet. I am afraid my boyfriend will not make it out of this addiction alive. The one I introduced him to. He used to be a spiritual giant I recovery, an oldtimer with over 20 years and then he met me and his life was shattered.

I know he made his own decisions but I had a part to play. For over 3 years we have gone through hell together getting a few days weeks and occasionally months sober but then one of us would have a weak moment and the other would follow, if not immediately than sooner rather than later.

I have tried getting clean. I can usually get there but what I have never had success with is not starting again. There is always some trivial reason. Almost immediately I regret it and start over again.

Not this time. I got tired of failing of promising myself and others to do better. I have tried recovery a million different ways. I have wholeheartedly worked the 12 steps in AA hoping beyond hope some Higher Power would save me from myself.

I have went to NA, done tons of service work, prayed in the morning noon and night went to meetings daily. Completed rehab after rehab. I have tried counseling and CBT and DBT. I have went to psych wards and tried a million different medications. I have tried religion. I tried just making up my mind. I tried doing it for my kids, for my parents, for my boyfriend, for people in recovery, to be an example to using friends. I can quote the big book and 12&12. I can quote the basic text.

The only thing I haven't tried is walking away from this relationship. People, places and things. I would delete phone numbers but I would never stay away from Him. How can I?

And yet I sit here and think I stay because I live him but love is supposed to be selfless. What in our relationship has been anything but selfish? Each time we tried to get sober and tripped each other up. The fighting the blaming the insanity the make up sex the talk while high about plans and dreams that could never be realized.

And now I am at the end. Using isn't fun anymore. After the first day there no excitement. I now stand to lose everything. My job. Any sort of relationship with my kids, family, or friends in recovery. More importantly...my life. Do I walk away from all that? Or do I walk away from him? Choice should be easy but it isnt.

I have lost everything that was ever important to me and yet he as there with me through all of it. When I lost my kids my home my sanity he was there. Without him none of the other stuff seems to mean anything and yet letting go of my kids my life and my hope seems such a high price to pay to keep one person in my life.

If I surrender to addiction I feel guilty because I chose him and dope over my kids. If I choose recovery and my life and he dies then I am guilty for the rest of my life for abandoning him by walking away.

 

[kgeisel98]

I have lost everything that was ever important to me and yet he as there with me through all of it. When I lost my kids my home my sanity he was there. Without him none of the other stuff seems to mean anything and yet letting go of my kids my life and my hope seems such a high price to pay to keep one person in my life.

If I surrender to addiction I feel guilty because I chose him and dope over my kids. If I choose recovery and my life and he dies then I am guilty for the rest of my life for abandoning him by walking away.

Okay. You need to know that once a person turns 18 they can no longer be abandoned (except for the mentally challenged and they are usually child like). Also, you are not responsible for the choices other people make. Taking responsibility for someone else's life (other than children) is a pretty heavy weight to carry.

I am concerned that you feel responsible for his relapse. He had 20 years of sobriety and chose to use. In fact, I am imagining that he 13 Stepped you (the 13th step in AA or NA is when someone who has clean time hooks up with a newcomer). I'm thinking that he wasn't doing well in his life/program if he hooked up with a newcomer then relapsed. Also, what happened to all that spirituality?

Another point, you say he was there when shit hit the fan for you. Would things have been different if you hadn't hooked up with him (in terms of losing your children)?

You need to look after yourself. And decide what is best for you and for your children. You say you've lost everything important to you. When someone gets clean (especially if it's not the first time) it is hard for families to trust the addict and believe in them. It takes time and patience to show them that you are changing and for them to (usually) come around.

I hope that you will talk with a counselor or therapist about this. You are facing big life decisions that cannot be made lightly.

I was dubbed a "relapse queen" in NA. Finally I just accepted that I need medical marijuana. Instead of obsessing over clean time I focused my energy on changing my behaviours. It took time (but change does) and I started seeing the results.

Addiction has played its part in my life but I'm finally in a place that I am okay with (most of the time - I have mental illness that affects where I'm at from time to time).

Good luck to you and please keep us posted!

 

[Mafioso]

Have you ever tried getting clean for yourself and only yourself? For the sake of your mental, emotional and physical health? For your sanity, for your happiness? I know it probably sounds like a cliché but unless you truly value yourself and your life it may be difficult to really see a reason to get clean.

It sounds like there is nothing anyone can say that you probably haven't heard before, but it also sounds like you desperately want to quit using and are tired of being in the throes of addiction. Maybe it's time to really listen to yourself, to your own heart that seems to be screaming out for a change.

Regardless of you and your boyfriends history, it sounds like the relationship has become toxic. At this point, I don't think it matters who originally tripped who up, the important matter seems to be that you are both continually enabling each other. The best thing for him, as well as yourself, might be breaking off the relationship that has been enabling you both for so long. Sometimes we need to feel the cold before we realize we need to put a jacket on. Consequences don't have to be a bad thing if we allow ourselves to learn and grow from them. Sometimes they are the only thing that drives change.

You are not abandoning him, and if he dies from his habit it wouldn't be your fault, just like if you were to pass from an OD it wouldn't be his fault or anyone else but your own... If you can admit that you are enabling him then ending the relationship could only be beneficial for you both.

We make our own destiny with the choice we make each day. You can't take responsibility for anyone else because you do not make the choices for them. The only person you can truly be responsible for is yourself. I suppose when we have kids we are responsible for them, but it is different. We ultimately should be teaching them how to be responsible for themselves and how to make their own decisions because in the end, they will be in the world on their own.

Don't give up, giving in to your addiction will solve nothing. You are more than your disorder.