Natty_Lynne
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2015
- Messages
- 6
Just did another bump and even with all the chemicals in me my head won't be quiet. I am afraid my boyfriend will not make it out of this addiction alive. The one I introduced him to. He used to be a spiritual giant I recovery, an oldtimer with over 20 years and then he met me and his life was shattered.
I know he made his own decisions but I had a part to play. For over 3 years we have gone through hell together getting a few days weeks and occasionally months sober but then one of us would have a weak moment and the other would follow, if not immediately than sooner rather than later.
I have tried getting clean. I can usually get there but what I have never had success with is not starting again. There is always some trivial reason. Almost immediately I regret it and start over again.
Not this time. I got tired of failing of promising myself and others to do better. I have tried recovery a million different ways. I have wholeheartedly worked the 12 steps in AA hoping beyond hope some Higher Power would save me from myself.
I have went to NA, done tons of service work, prayed in the morning noon and night went to meetings daily. Completed rehab after rehab. I have tried counseling and CBT and DBT. I have went to psych wards and tried a million different medications. I have tried religion. I tried just making up my mind. I tried doing it for my kids, for my parents, for my boyfriend, for people in recovery, to be an example to using friends. I can quote the big book and 12&12. I can quote the basic text.
The only thing I haven't tried is walking away from this relationship. People, places and things. I would delete phone numbers but I would never stay away from Him. How can I?
And yet I sit here and think I stay because I live him but love is supposed to be selfless. What in our relationship has been anything but selfish? Each time we tried to get sober and tripped each other up. The fighting the blaming the insanity the make up sex the talk while high about plans and dreams that could never be realized.
And now I am at the end. Using isn't fun anymore. After the first day there no excitement. I now stand to lose everything. My job. Any sort of relationship with my kids, family, or friends in recovery. More importantly...my life. Do I walk away from all that? Or do I walk away from him? Choice should be easy but it isnt.
I have lost everything that was ever important to me and yet he as there with me through all of it. When I lost my kids my home my sanity he was there. Without him none of the other stuff seems to mean anything and yet letting go of my kids my life and my hope seems such a high price to pay to keep one person in my life.
If I surrender to addiction I feel guilty because I chose him and dope over my kids. If I choose recovery and my life and he dies then I am guilty for the rest of my life for abandoning him by walking away.
I know he made his own decisions but I had a part to play. For over 3 years we have gone through hell together getting a few days weeks and occasionally months sober but then one of us would have a weak moment and the other would follow, if not immediately than sooner rather than later.
I have tried getting clean. I can usually get there but what I have never had success with is not starting again. There is always some trivial reason. Almost immediately I regret it and start over again.
Not this time. I got tired of failing of promising myself and others to do better. I have tried recovery a million different ways. I have wholeheartedly worked the 12 steps in AA hoping beyond hope some Higher Power would save me from myself.
I have went to NA, done tons of service work, prayed in the morning noon and night went to meetings daily. Completed rehab after rehab. I have tried counseling and CBT and DBT. I have went to psych wards and tried a million different medications. I have tried religion. I tried just making up my mind. I tried doing it for my kids, for my parents, for my boyfriend, for people in recovery, to be an example to using friends. I can quote the big book and 12&12. I can quote the basic text.
The only thing I haven't tried is walking away from this relationship. People, places and things. I would delete phone numbers but I would never stay away from Him. How can I?
And yet I sit here and think I stay because I live him but love is supposed to be selfless. What in our relationship has been anything but selfish? Each time we tried to get sober and tripped each other up. The fighting the blaming the insanity the make up sex the talk while high about plans and dreams that could never be realized.
And now I am at the end. Using isn't fun anymore. After the first day there no excitement. I now stand to lose everything. My job. Any sort of relationship with my kids, family, or friends in recovery. More importantly...my life. Do I walk away from all that? Or do I walk away from him? Choice should be easy but it isnt.
I have lost everything that was ever important to me and yet he as there with me through all of it. When I lost my kids my home my sanity he was there. Without him none of the other stuff seems to mean anything and yet letting go of my kids my life and my hope seems such a high price to pay to keep one person in my life.
If I surrender to addiction I feel guilty because I chose him and dope over my kids. If I choose recovery and my life and he dies then I am guilty for the rest of my life for abandoning him by walking away.