badfish45
Bluelight Crew
Glad to hear things worked out for you. also nice to see compassion in the court system 
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just found out I have 5 years to live?! so now what!? LEGIT.. I AM LOST!
- Thread starter Jabberwocky
- Start date
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
the court was a true blessing. bad news is since that I slipped up and shot dope; I hate myself for that. I do NOT KNOW WHY I DID IT! almost as a fucking gift for parting ways w/ court. I am a moron and I am very mad at myself that I did that; its not the first time I relapsed recently but not what I wanted to do after all the bad news and then good things that happened.
ill be honest, people. I am just scared. I do not know how to live my life right now. do I focus on my future, my career, finding a wife, kids, etc. or do I live day by day right now and worry about my health and the more common things in my life right now.
each day I throw up, have the runs, badly. do not feel really well. I am not up and ready to rock. I feel a bit down and out but not sure if that is me keeping myself like that or if its actually the chemo and I cannot figure out how to tell. how can i tell if I am just in a depression or if I am actually sick from this chemo? I am a little bit lost people. I DO NOT LIKE OTHERS HELPING ME OUT. I feel like my family is TRYING to help out too much but I do not want it but at the same time I NEED IT! its weird.
anyone else get me here?
ill be honest, people. I am just scared. I do not know how to live my life right now. do I focus on my future, my career, finding a wife, kids, etc. or do I live day by day right now and worry about my health and the more common things in my life right now.
each day I throw up, have the runs, badly. do not feel really well. I am not up and ready to rock. I feel a bit down and out but not sure if that is me keeping myself like that or if its actually the chemo and I cannot figure out how to tell. how can i tell if I am just in a depression or if I am actually sick from this chemo? I am a little bit lost people. I DO NOT LIKE OTHERS HELPING ME OUT. I feel like my family is TRYING to help out too much but I do not want it but at the same time I NEED IT! its weird.
anyone else get me here?
Bottleofsun
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2016
- Messages
- 134
Don't hate yourself for shooting dope, it's done now, and not worth being upset about.
Chemo is very hard on your body, of course you don't feel great, sweetie. I know it hurts to let others help you, and feel dependent. It's a loss of control.
You have a lot to give someone, ill or not. The right girl will love and support you, so don't put your life on hold. Even if me and B don't get much longer, and even if he remains difficult to be around, I'm glad to be here for him and love him.
You can't live like you are dying, from what you said you have an excellent chance at a good lifespan.
Stay positive!
Chemo is very hard on your body, of course you don't feel great, sweetie. I know it hurts to let others help you, and feel dependent. It's a loss of control.
You have a lot to give someone, ill or not. The right girl will love and support you, so don't put your life on hold. Even if me and B don't get much longer, and even if he remains difficult to be around, I'm glad to be here for him and love him.
You can't live like you are dying, from what you said you have an excellent chance at a good lifespan.
Stay positive!
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
I felt good today; I was ON NOTHING.. but YET I FUCKING SHOT DOPE TONIGHT! I just took a shot and now writing this because I am fucking mad.
I am going through a hard time but there are "good" things happening too but yet I feel I am headed back toward HARD drugs; luckily, I am dead broke and cannot afford to use like I once did but I sold something today on Craigslist and used all the money to buy a G of dope; I am mad at myself. legit, I am not happy w/ this drug use and what I am doing w/ the money and drugs.
just not happy w/ what I am doing. I got LUCKY 2 ways but here I am throwing it away.
I am going through a hard time but there are "good" things happening too but yet I feel I am headed back toward HARD drugs; luckily, I am dead broke and cannot afford to use like I once did but I sold something today on Craigslist and used all the money to buy a G of dope; I am mad at myself. legit, I am not happy w/ this drug use and what I am doing w/ the money and drugs.
just not happy w/ what I am doing. I got LUCKY 2 ways but here I am throwing it away.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Can you get yourself to go to a meeting and get some support?
Don't waste time getting back in the cycle of using/hating yourself/using again...you've been there and you know it only goes one way. You have been through a lot lately and it makes sense that you feel lost. Please try to do what is best for yourself--get support, ask for help.
Don't waste time getting back in the cycle of using/hating yourself/using again...you've been there and you know it only goes one way. You have been through a lot lately and it makes sense that you feel lost. Please try to do what is best for yourself--get support, ask for help.
Cosmic Trigger
Bluelighter
My current philosophy is if you're going to use then try and enjoy it for what it is. When you've decided what it is isn't better than something else you'll move in another direction. Life is short, pleasure is hard to come by. So try to enjoy your choices no matter what. Forgive yourself in advance. We all fall down over and over. It's how we learn.
Way|0st
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2010
- Messages
- 6,908
sorry to hear this news, boston . i am your age w/ good physical health but questionable mental health. i have no regard for the future & find it empowering to be writing my story alone. just DON'T LET drugs dictate your final days. you don't want to be at anyone's mercy. (maybe just some of that green though amirite bros?)
i am doing things my way and if i want to hang myself from a tree in the freezing cold i will do so looking like a brand new action figure. facts.
cj
Bluelight Crew
I would get as many credit cards and personal loans as possible and do as much of everything I ever wanted to do. I would smoke copious amounts of pot. I would fuck every girl that I could. Basically I would live like I was invincible. And I would do it soon. You should ask your doctor the hard questions at the next appointment. But if I was you I would do everything I could on my bucket list as soon as possible. I would also quit work and get on disability cause I hate working.
BBT I am so terribly sorry about this news. You seem like a really good dude. I hope they can find some drug to slow the progression of your cancer. Have you looked into getting involved in a clinical trial for new drugs? Its a long shot but every once in a while they hit a home run.
BBT I am so terribly sorry about this news. You seem like a really good dude. I hope they can find some drug to slow the progression of your cancer. Have you looked into getting involved in a clinical trial for new drugs? Its a long shot but every once in a while they hit a home run.