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Heroin Journey of addiction, relapse and hope

B

bunny22

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Joined
Dec 28, 2023
Messages
261
Hi,


I ll be keeping up this posts in order to journal my day to days while trying to stop heroin for good and also help my girlfriend achieve the same thing.

I was addicted to smoking heroin for about 7 months, I got clean for a month and so I think?(time, dates might be wrong. Time is fuzzy to me). Got hooked again and now I am after 10 days of crack but no heroin.


I have done some pregabalin either 150mg or 300mg, taken some diazepam and overall I am doing okay.

This morning I had some withdrawals and only smoked 25mg heroin.

now I took 10mg diazepam, 300mg lyrica and will proceed to smoke 80mg heroin. My physical withdrawals are completely gone and the only reason I ll be smoking now is because I want to actually get high(instead of just not feeling sick)

this will be the very last time I smoke.

in case withdrawals will get worse, I still have diazepam, lyrica, tramado, suboxone and will also get some xanax or lorazepam(which one do u think might work best for withdrawals)

was also thinking of ordering some clonidine but that will take like 2 weeks to get here and also some codeine since my gf is afraid of tramadol.

I however plan to just suffer it out only with lyrica and benzos if my choices will set me back
 
From someone who's gone the full merry-go-round, the most crucial thing if you want to succeed is to be totally clear about WHY you're doing it. What are your reasons for using addictively -?

Are you doing it to cope with mental health issues or trouble in your life? (That was me.)
In that case just stopping usage is only slapping a sticking plaster over the 'symptom' without addressing the actual cause. And you'll likely slip back into old habits because you'll be without the chemical comfort blanket but still have to deal with all your problems.

In such a case it might even be better to seek help with the primary issue first and delay considering completely ditching your crutch (while say reducing use gradually). Finding assistance with whatever the underlying matter is and seeing improvement there will then help you stay on track, because you won't feel like you're needing to use as much.

Are you doing it because you just love the effects and can't get enough of a good thing -? (This was also me.)
That might be even more tricky to resolve because we like what we like, and humans as all other living things are wired to seek out reward. In this case you might want to consider trying to reduce your frequency of use to below physical dependence levels, and to a point where it does not interfere with your ability to function in life. More people succeed in doing this than you think.

Basically you have to be clear about your motivation, both for using and for wanting to stop. Most importantly, do you REALLY want to stop, as in thinking you would enjoy life more if you did, or are you merely telling yourself you 'OUGHT to want to stop' because of a perceived obligation to others, society at large, etc.
If the latter there's already a conflict between what you actually want and what you think you should be doing, which needs to be kept in mind, since human beings aren't really built for consciously denying themselves pleasure for prolonged periods of time. In both my personal experience and my volunteer work in harm reduction, the most spectacular and reckless 'backslides' usually involve people who forced themselves (or were forced) into abstinence while their relationship to the drug, and therefore their desire for it, had not changed.

So here's the checklist:
- what are my reasons / motivators for using?
- what are my reasons / motivators for quitting?
- what do I gain from my drug use? (yes, GAIN, because if you were getting zero out of it you would not be doing it in the first place). Be honest about this.
- what do I seek to gain from quitting? (e.g. better health / job prospects, less trouble with the law, lack of social stigma, no worries about OD or WD etc.)
- do I genuinely see myself as having a better life quit, or am I merely approaching this as 'something I have to do' ? (this one is pretty much a predictor on how hard or easy it's gonna be for you in the long run).

The reason I'm specifically asking you to frame this as a benefit-to-benefit analysis is because you get a better more truthful picture by comparing the positives.
In general the standard approach from therapists and rehabs is to have you do a cost-to-benefit analysis, because the presumption is that OF COURSE any and all drug use is never anything but bad and detrimental, and nothing good for the individual can ever result from it, so the situation has to be presented as a matter of opposing absolutes.

This distorts the factual nature of the thing. The 'partner question' to what do I gain from using is what do I stand to lose when I stop. And yes there will be things you lose. Most people never even consider this, and most 'helpers' won't encourage you to consider it. But it's something that needs to be thought about because it's one of the main factors which can trip you up.

Lastly, as mentioned before, moderation is an option and total abstinence isn't always a realistic one. The general insistence that the only choice available is either to never ever touch a single substance again or to become an 'out of control' addict is insanely unhelpful and has done untold damage. Here, as everywhere else in life, there is nuance.


PS this turned from the couple of paragraphs I was going to write into a whole damn lecture. XD
Anyways good luck!, and I'm always available for chat or questions.
 
Today I haven't done much. I took 300mg lyrica and 10mg diazepam and smoking a joint.

I ll be smoking some heroin now unfortunately to cope with what is to come

@TheUltimateFixx thank you so much. Your post was really insightful. I ll think about it and get back to you.

ps: I was hooked on cfack. Managed to quit last year, however the heroin habit stayed bcuz of withdrawals.

So for the past year I haven't really "felt" high on heroin. Just not bad.

Last night when I smoked a bit I got high and it felt so fucking good. Too bad the good only lasts for so long and afterwards it becomes hell
 
So here's the checklist:
- what are my reasons / motivators for using? -->> it started as a way of lowering the heart rate while smoking a lot of crack; however i am also 1000 km away from my parents, in a different country with virtually no friends
- what are my reasons / motivators for quitting? -->it impacts my learning potential, makes me dull, unmotivated. + both my parents are dependent on me
- what do I gain from my drug use? (yes, GAIN, because if you were getting zero out of it you would not be doing it in the first place). Be honest about this. --> It makes my life easier. I am not going through the best times with my gf with whom i am living together, I am quite depressed and feel like i dont matter, i am not worth of be listened to; also have low self-esteem and smoking makes everything more bereable
- what do I seek to gain from quitting? (e.g. better health / job prospects, less trouble with the law, lack of social stigma, no worries about OD or WD etc.) --> financial improvements; i will feel better knowing i am not a disappoitment,
- do I genuinely see myself as having a better life quit, or am I merely approaching this as 'something I have to do' ? (this one is pretty much a predictor on how hard or easy it's gonna be for you in the long run). YES. i would actually prefer to be fully sober(also not needing weed). I have sleep issues since i can remember and i self medicated first with alcohol in my teens, then with weed

Tonight i smoked in anticipation she s coming home from work and that it will be a fight, which it happened. I know it is not the best coping mechanism but she hurted and keeps hurting me a lot but i love her to death.

In 12 days i ll go to romania for 10 days by myslef to visit my parents. I ll make an appointment for couple therapy for when i get back.

Now i ate an edible, another diazepam and will smoke a bit of heroin as well. This is because i am a junkie and since i dont have a tolerance anumore, i get really high, but this will be the last time i smoke heroin.

Tmr i ll be going to the office. in case withdrawals will come back, ill take a diazepam and 50 or 100mg tramadol. I ll take 150mg lyrica tmr morning anyway since it usually takes like 6 hours to peak.
 
Make sure you take diazepam (Valium)on an empty stomach. Seriously, It really messes with the absorption. I was prescribed this for a year and a half, before going back to Ativan (lorazepam).
 
How's this going man? I know you've been trying to limit your use for a while now, it can be difficult, but just keep at it.

To others who've posted, I deleted some comments, please don't derail someone else's thread with personal disputes, and please try to not insult each other.
 
I was talking on the phone with my parents and almost had a heart attack when i saw the tine. My gf is suppose to be back any moment. I rushed and managed to take some hits.

abusing heroin is not the solution
But we are financially tied/living together.

I am happy I don't smoke until noon.

idk what to do. I lover her but it doesn't seem she s tryna make an effort or something.
 
She didn't even arrived home and the fun started.

she asked me if I smoked. I said. I then she asks me if there s still heroin left. Like wtf?!?!?
 
bunny22 said:
Wow. It seems incredible how fast she manages to fuck up my mood
Click to expand...
Yeah man, that's not the ideal environment to get clean in. Are you still on maintenance?

Are you trying to quit because she wants you to, or because you want to? If you're not ready, you're not ready. That's ok man. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself to please her if she's not bringing anything positive to the table for you. I think if you're not planning on quitting h, you should just be honest with her and tell her that, save yourself the stress. If your daily routine becomes all about hiding, concealing, and persuading to keep your use secret, you will become miserable very quickly

Just be careful and take care of yourself.
 
No, she s only heroin and crack addicted..
I want to quit, she merely just says so.

I found out a lot of lies. Even my heroin dealer told me she bought crack when she promised she wouldn't and smoked behind my back numerous times after I caught her and gave her another chance.


Now with the progress, I haven't really monitored it with everything going on, but this morning I smoked like 0.1 heroin took 10mg diazepqm and 2mg clonazepam
I also have lyrica on hand.

Also smoked a joint with some nice weed and hash rosin. We ll go outside eat smth. But she took 5mg lorazepam
 
Both me and my gf and withdrawing from heroin.

I took 2.5mg lorazepam and either 100mg or 400mg lyrica right now.

last time we smoked was like 5 hours ago
 
I smoked very very little heroin today but also a bit of crack.

Thou I cleaned the house. N took a lot of benzos and 300mg pregabalin. I am pretty wasted with no withdrawal. I ll play wktcher 3
 
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