I've set my quit date! :D

[xburtonchic]

So originally my doctor had it set for June 17th. But I got to thinking, and I don't want to my quit date to be in someone else's control; I want it to be in mine. The more control I feel I have over this addiction, the easier it will be. My new official quit date is June 8th. For one, 8 is my lucky number. For two, that lessens the amount of time I'll have to be in withdrawal alone. My parents are going on vacation two weeks after the 17th, and if what I've read about Sub withdrawals is true, then they'll last much longer than two weeks. And I don't want to be in withdrawal when my parents are going to be gone for that long. I mean, yeah my brother will be here and I'll have a friend staying with me too, but they're like my comfort zone. Mothers always seem to make everything better, and I want her to be around while I'm going through this. So by quitting on the 8th, I'll only have only 10 short days of withdrawal to go through alone since my mom is off for two weeks starting on the 17th.

But anyway, a few things I plan to do to help are to take Clonodine, Immodium, Valium, St. John's Wort, Advil PM, and 5-HTP. As well as tons of vitamins. I'm also going to FORCE myself to take a walk at least once a day, even if I don't feel like it... because I hear that it does help a lot, even if it's a bit brutal to move when you first get going. And 3 days before D-Day, I'm going to start a journal. Everyday I'm going to write how I'm feeling, what symptoms I'm having, etc. so I can look back on it and see what progress I've made.


Only 18 days away! Kind of scary to think about, but I can do this. I just want my life back. I want to go snowboarding again! And maybe I'll even be able to go with my parents on vacation to the lake, if all goes well and the worst of the withdrawals are over by the time they're supposed to leave. :D

If anyone has any other suggestions for what I can do besides the ones I already named, I'd love to hear them! I'm quitting Suboxone by the way, so I'm sure it will just be like standard opiate withdrawals... except just a little bit longer. I think I'm definitely ready to do this though

 

[chitown rollin]

You got this. Being sober is a damn good drug.

 

[n3ophy7e]

This is so great to hear hun, it sounds like you're you're making the right decision to do it a bit earlier. Have you spoken to your doctor about the new date? What do they think?

Regardless, I sincerely wish you all the best! Keep us updated with your progress

 

[Legerity]

I like the idea of changing a date to one that you have made for yourself. And journaling can be so helpful to get thoughts/feelings out in the open and expressed. There's something to be said for having somebody listen to us when we need to open up, but I've found writing things out to be just as effective many times. So thank you for the reminded that I need to start that up again

Stick around and let us know how you're doing

 

[more]

Yay, freedom! I'm so happy for you! =]
Just be sure you do stick to the plan, lol. It sound very good tho, best of luck. and hey, if you ever feel like sharing your entries, let me know. I find it all really fascinating and whatnot.
but if it's personal, that's totally cool. =p

 

[The Rock Monster]

Hey this is a big step in the right direction! Do you go to meetings?

 

[ColtDan]

good luck

 

[xburtonchic]

Thanks everyone

I probably will share my entries actually; it seems like the right thing to do. There are very VERY few "Sub withdrawal timeline" things out there, but I know reading the few I've come across has helped me loads. It's nice to know what I'm getting myself into. It's just Suboxone withdrawals, so no, it's not too personal. We're all in the same boat here, I presume. :D

I haven't spoken to my doctor yet, but I plan to make an appointment for next week so that I can get everything in order. I plan on using the Alternative Thomas Recipe plan, so I want to run everything across him first to make sure it's okay, get prescribed the Clonodine and Valium I need, etc. etc. I think he'll be happy that I'm getting off sooner too.

Thanks again for all the encouragement, and I'll definitely keep everyone posted!

 

[ocean]

Good Luck and I look forward to reading your updates!!

 

[xburtonchic]

I'm having a huge problem and hopefully someone has a suggestion because I'm at a loss at this point. It's making me seriously doubt whether I'm going to be able to stay clean or not.

Basically, my family drives me crazy. My brother steals, takes our stuff and then loses it, he'll take our CLEAN clothes out of the dryer while they're STILL WET and put them on the dirty fucking floor just so he can dry one pair of pants, he refuses to even try to get a job or do anything productive with his life, and the list goes on. But the thing that pisses me off the most is that ON TOP of all of this, he is the most disrespectful little bitch I have ever met in my life. I give him cigarettes, beer, money, rides, I stick up for him when my parents are bitching about him and try to stay out of it as much as possible... hell, if it weren't for me he wouldn't even be LIVING here. The ONLY reason my parents let him move back in when he got out of jail is because I convinced them to. And yet... ALL he does is blame his problems on me. Somehow every single thing that's wrong in his life is my fault. And just now him and my dad got in this huge fight... I had absolutely nothing to do with it, I was just minding my business in my room... and then out of no where I hear my brother say, "Well your daughter is addicted to drugs and you let her get away with it." THAT PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF. I have a really short temper when it comes to my brother because of all the shit I do for him, so when he disrespects me it's just a huge slap in the face. Anyway, this huge fight ensued. I was mainly yelling at my brother, but my brother was yelling at everyone... he even told my dad "Fuck you" a few times... and my mom is just STANDING THERE with a SMIRK ON HER FACE. If there's one thing that pisses me off about my mom, it's that she thinks my whole opiate addiction is amusing and she doesn't understand that when I'm in a rage like that, I am genuinely upset and pissed off and blacking out... so when she sits there and laughs about it, it just sends me deeper into a rage. I said I hated my entire family and that I can't stand them. And then my mom tells me to "get the fuck out of my house." WHAT THE HELL. So my brother, an ex-felon, can say "Fuck you" and whatever else he wants to my dad... he can break into their safe and steal countless amounts of money... and all my mom does is sit there and smirk. But when I say ONE freaking thing, I get kicked out?

So at this point I was so angry I couldn't even think. Like, I wanted to HURT someone. Like, if I'm in one of my rages (which ironically, only my family can manage to send me into) you better shut the fuck up, stand back, and not say another word to me until I calm down. But no... my family just keeps pushing and pushing and pushing. And they know EXACTLY what buttons to push. Like, I was so angry I didn't even know what to do with myself. If it was anyone else, I would have started swinging... but this is my family and no matter how much I hate them, I'm not going to get physical with them even if they do first. Mostly because they would call the cops.

So what did I do instead? I turned to the only comfort zone I know- my pills. I probably took twice the xanax I should have. Which was dumb, but when I'm in a rage black out I don't even know what I'm doing half the time until a) the black out is over or b) someone reminds me. I'm supposed to get off of Suboxone next month, but my family drives me crazy. I can't even deal with them 99% of the time unless I'm in some sort of chemically-induced bliss. There's NO WAY I can stay clean. My brother is half the reason my opiate addiction started in the first place. I won't get into why because it's way too personal; I'll just say he did something extremely screwed up. How the hell am I supposed to stay clean when I'm having to live under the same roof with my brother (who is just a problem all on his own), and my mother (who doesn't take me seriously, but coddles my brother even though he does all kinds of horrible shit)? I can't. Because when I'm off the Suboxone, what do you think I'm going to turn to instead of xanax, just because I can? Opiates, of course.

The logical thing to do would be to get away from my family- as far away as I possibly can. I mean, that's why I joined the military in the first place, but that's no longer an option. If it was, I'd be on it in a SECOND. I can't afford to move out right now, because I'm recently unemployed. But I KNOW I won't be able to stay clean. It's days like today that remind me what put me on the drugs in the first place, and the things they do to trigger me to just use more. When I'm in a rage black out like that and my family doesn't get the hint and just keeps pushing me instead of giving my space, I swear a switch in my brain just turns on and all rationality goes out the window. It's either punch someone or take some more pills to calm myself down. Obviously I'm going to choose the pills.

So... yeah. What the fuck do I do? I know I shouldn't be posting my personal life on here probably, but I really don't care anymore. It's not like I can talk to my family about it. I can't talk to my friends about it because they don't get it. My family does nothing my throw my addiction in my face every goddamn chance they get, like they think it's funny. It halfway makes me want to slip opiates in their coffee for the next few months so THEY can get a taste of their own medicine and see what it fucking feels like and see how much they like it. I bet it wouldn't be a joke to them then, would it? Plain and simple: there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to stay clean living in this house.

I'm done now I guess. Mostly I just needed to vent since they ruined my Friday night and my best friend is now pissed off at me for being late on top of everything else. But also because maybe someone else has an idea on how I can deal with my family WITHOUT relapsing until I can find a way to get the hell out of here... as far away as possible.

 

[J. G. Wentworth]

You can do it. You do not need the pills. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Professional help, counselors, AA, NA... Whatever it takes. fuck pride. kickin the habit and learning to deal with your emotions in a positive way can be done.

That being said, your emotions will be all over the place. The people around you need to know this too. You spent a lot of time numbing your emotions and you will be on an emotional roller coaster. That is normal. It takes awhile for things to even out.

As far as your selfish brother, feel free to kick his ass. What a dick.

 

[xburtonchic]

You can do it. You do not need the pills. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Professional help, counselors, AA, NA... Whatever it takes. fuck pride. kickin the habit and learning to deal with your emotions in a positive way can be done.

That being said, your emotions will be all over the place. The people around you need to know this too. You spent a lot of time numbing your emotions and you will be on an emotional roller coaster. That is normal. It takes awhile for things to even out.

As far as your selfish brother, feel free to kick his ass. What a dick.

Thank you. I still doubt my self control to contain my rage when it comes to my family and just not take any pills... like I said when I black out my brain focuses in on three things only: hurt someone else, hurt myself (not seriously, just sometimes I want to like bang my freaking head into a wall), or go take pills and not care. The third option always wins of course.

I wish I could make my parents and family understand, but they just don't. My mom and my brother are cruel people. They both say the most hurtful possible things they can when they get mad. My mom has told me before that my dog doesn't love me, once when I was 16 and was depressed and said I wanted to kill myself, she handed me a knife and told me to do it, when I'm genuinely upset all she does is smirk about it as if she thinks it's funny, and i'm sure she does; she's a heartless person. And my brother is even worse. He's straight up threatened to slit my dog's throat just because he barked at him once. He was playing with a BB gun before too once and told me, "If this gun was real, I would shoot you." LIke, for no reason. We were just playing and he said it out of no where. And when he was younger he used to say scary shit to us like, "Sometimes I think about ways to kill you guys." Like... it's hard to deal with. My mom might be heartless, but my brother has no soul.

As far as kicking his ass, I've tried. All that got me was a busted lip and a black eye and an almost-trip to the emergency room. Fuck that. I just have to deal with it. I have no choice. I'm stuck here indefinitely.

 

[shahab6]

I have the same problem as you do, stress from daily life leads to wanting to do drugs. that's why it was so hard for me to stay sober, anytime something happened, either at work, friends, family, etc, I would end up using..

your reason is the reason why I would probably can never come of from Sub.
for example 3 weeks ago I had this issue with this girl I was dating, we had a little bit of problem, she did something and I was very very angry and mad at her, which I had to increase my dosage, just to calm myself down…

but if I was sober, 100 percent I would've most likely used some kind of opiate to calm me down..

my point is things like this will always happen, either from home or whatever..
I wish I had some good advice to give but unfortunate i don't..

why do you want to come off from it anyway?? would you rather not just stay on a maintenance dosage until u move out?

Sub already helps with depression and anxiety, reading from your post, it seems like you had depression before. and coming from sub, your depression will most likely come back..

 

[J. G. Wentworth]

Are there any detox centers in your area you can check into?

 

[pyrodemon915]

Congrats dude and so many happy faces on TDS :D is a good thing.

 

[Legerity]

Thank you. I still doubt my self control to contain my rage when it comes to my family and just not take any pills... like I said when I black out my brain focuses in on three things only: hurt someone else, hurt myself (not seriously, just sometimes I want to like bang my freaking head into a wall), or go take pills and not care. The third option always wins of course.

Buddhist psychology (I am not a Buddhist) has a lot to offer regarding thoughts/emotions and how to relate to them differently. There are ways of experiencing them without getting controlled by them. If a feeling is there, it is there whether we want it or not. I do feel that we can become better at deciding how we want to feel which makes unpleasant emotions less necessarily. But unless we are enlightened beings there will most often be time that we need to experience the feeling. Meditation is also helpful for better understanding how the mind works.

Unless it gets suppressed it needs to be somehow let out. But this can be done in many ways that are not destructive. Journal (as you previously mentioned) can be great for this. Just writing out everything you feel as aggressively as you want to. It doesn't need to be read to anybody else but it provides a certain amount of release. Talking, opening up, create pursuits, etc. You can channel that energy into something helpful rather than have it build up and cause explosions of rage.

Keep it up

 

[xburtonchic]

If I had my way, I wouldn't be getting off the Subs; my doctor is forcing me to whether I like it or not. And since I want to have SOME sort of control over it, I set my quit date for a few days sooner than the one he gave me.

As far as detox centers, I looked into that when I was in hydro withdrawals and there was a problem with basically every single one of them; either too expensive, or they were full, or they made you go to a halfway house or rehab afterwards, or the only method they used was the Weissman (sp?) method which costs like a million dollars. Although shit, I would probably gladly go back to rehab at this point just to get away from my family. I even tried to join the military again, but they're not taking prior enlisted... BUT OF COURSE.

So frustrating. But meh I'll look into the meditation thing, god knows I've tried everything else. I know Erowid has a pretty good section devoted to that kind of stuff. Never checked it out before, but perhaps I will :D

 

[Bojangles69]

So originally my doctor had it set for June 17th. But I got to thinking, and I don't want to my quit date to be in someone else's control; I want it to be in mine. The more control I feel I have over this addiction, the easier it will be.

I don't mean to put a damper on your parade but I do this in every thread where someone specifies a specific date to quit in the future. Because I'm still yet to see a single person actually stop using drugs on the date they said. I can even go link probably a dozen threads where this happened if you think it will enlighten you at all.

It also worries me a bit that you had to take the "control" back into your hands, when your hands are the same hands that got you addicted. You tell yourself now "it'll make me feel better" because you know in the back of your head you can just change the date if you really want to.

I didn't see a dose of sub listed so I can't make a concrete statement about anything but if you're on a high enough dose, and haven't at least tapered your use down (you've been planning this for a while right? but no mention of tapering?) that again doesn't point in the direction of you wanting to really quit. What dose are you on? Thats prob one of the most important things we can know.

Are you prepared for a world of hell? Because its easy to make the decision to quit when you're not sick and still maintaining on opiates, but I find no matter what we tell ourselves once that sickness hits things can change really quick.

I'm not trying to talk you out of anything and I wish you the best I just want you to be aware how drastically things change once you are in that state of sickness. Its not the pain/vomiting/rls that gets to people. Its the total inability to enjoy any aspect of life no matter what. When you are in that state, your brain can go into "survival mode" which will cause all sorts of weird shit to happen in your thoughts just to get you to use. It will happen, be prepared for it.

The best way to quit any opiate is to have a stockpile of detox meds. And I don't mean OTC worthless meds like diphenhydramine (which actually makes RLS worse for many during wds) or melatonin, 5-htp, passion flower extracts, etc. Those things are a total waste of time imo. Not for tapers but if you're stopping a habit cold turkey I doubt you will find a single bit of relief from them.
Immodium on the other hand is always a good call. But sometimes you really need to take A LOT of that shit. If your first dose doesn't work, double it, and remember to wait 3 hours before redosing lope as thats how long it takes to kick in.

Clonidine also helps a lot, A LOT. A lot of people don't realize how much it actually helps and the reason is because many people in wds are only prescribed .1mg, 2-3 times a day. Its a very low dose imo. Clonidine is a POWERFUL sedative and if you ever take about .5mg it will feel ironically similar to a benzo like xanax. If you are being prescribed it, get AS HIGH A DOSE as the dr will possibly prescribe you. It WILL help a lot sometimes its just hard to get the amounts you need. Which is why I get prescribed clonidine, then will go order 200 online on top of it. Then I take about .2-.3mg about 3 times a day which I feel is a more proper amount. For worse habits maybe even .4-.5mg a day.

Another important thing.
Depending on what state you live in you may legally be able to order soma and tram right online. And these have saved my ass from wds countless times. Soma will allow you to get sleep as its very powerful shit. It will also get rid of lots of your muscle aches when combined with tram or even by itself. You can stay away from the tram for the time being, but if you have a hard time don't forget about it. I've seen it help a lot of people in your situation.

And the soma will also help kill a lot of anxiety which is another plus. The downside however is combining it with clonidine is very dangerous, so always taper your doses up slowly and make sure you don't take too much of either. Your body will be surging with adrenaline which is one of the main things that aggravates wds. Shakiness, overstimulated, raw and exposed feeling, insomnia while always being fatigued, you need to regulate the adrenaline and soma/clonidine can help a lot.

If depression gets bad a low dose of tram (like 50-100mg) can go a loooong way. It provides instant antidepressant effects with very little rebound when you stop. Unless you wind up picking up a habit but I doubt that will happen. 4 supplements/herbs I stand by completely are l-tyrosine combined with l-taurine and vitamin b-6. They create a very strong synergy and relaxing feeling. You can even throw in l-theanine for added effect. Than passion flower although I trashed it before I did that because the passion flower you buy as capsules are a complete waste. Even the teas from GNC/Vitaminshoppe are absolute garbage. Never buy passion flower from a store cause I'm still yet to find a decent supplier.

For good passion flower find an herb supplier on ebay. Read their feedback and make sure they are selling quality herbs. Its only when I buy fresh passion flower in bulk that I can feel its effects. And its effects in that form are very very similar to valium. Sometimes it will take quite a bit of leaf to work, but when it does its very very effective. If you plan on getting bottles/capsules from a store don't plan on it doing much. But if you have time go on ebay and get a few lbs of fresh passion flower leaves. It really is "natures valium" and I was amazed myself when I took my first active batch. Just sucks that it gets a bad name due to greedy substandard fly by night companies.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts. I didn't want to demotivate you I just want you to beaware once you change states from feeling good to violently ill/in withdrawals your thoughts and behavoir inevitably will change too. And it can become much much harder to stick to the plan at that point. You need to really be disciplined, listen to and respect your body as its in wds, treat symptoms invidually till they go away, and with enough grinning and bearing you might be able to pull through this successfully.
Just know that I'm still yet to see a single person quit on a date they set for the future. But who knows maybe you will be the first.

g/luck!

 

[Bojangles69]

If I had my way, I wouldn't be getting off the Subs; my doctor is forcing me to whether I like it or not.

Ok so I wrote that huge long post and seemed to have skipped the most important part right here.
I'm now about 95% inclined to say that you will not succeed. If you don't want to get off subs like you say, you will very likely wind up trading the subs for another habit. But you are not demonstrating any evidence to me at all that shows you want to stop.
People who truely want to quit make an effort by changing behavoirs in the present. 100% of what you have written in this thread has nothing to do with that. Its all "and this is what I plan on doing this day" type stuff.

If you can't be honest with yourself you are only going to put yourself through unneccessary bullshit just so you can fail and realize why you failed, cause you never really wanted to quit.
I suggest you leave this dr, go on a full agonist for a week or 2 so you can fail a drug test, than find a new dr who will maintain you on subs. I'm on subs right now and I'm not sure when or if my dr plans on taking me off. But if its in the near future my plan is exactly that. I'm going back to morphine/pods for a week, will stop to get myself in wds, then get back on subs. I do much better on subs than anything else. So if I don't want to stop thats what I'm doing.

You are not ready to stop. You also have logistically mapped out reasons why all around in your environment. Untill you are able to seperate from all these forces that provokes you to use in the first place, you are never really going to want to stop. Stay on sub imo and go to another dr untill your life changes for the better and you're not dealing with stressful parents/family everyday of the week. You will also find when that change happens it will be a 1000 times easier to quit using. Although sub is suppose to help stablize your life, you don't seem stable right now. Not with what you wrote about your family. Stay on the sub longer find a new dr and wait till a better opportunity becomes availabe in the future. Don't try quitting just to see if you can do it. Thats what I did last sept and I got 23 days clean before I relapsed. Its more than possible and can be done when the time is right. Problem is I don't think the time is right for you right now.

Don't feel bad either if that needs to be your decision. Sub is not a bad drug, and has done nothing for my life except wonderful things. And when it comes time to stop I will do a slow 4-5 month taper. I've tapered for months and months before w/out relapsing so I know I have the power. Its not hard on a drug that doesn't get you high anyway.
G/luck!

 

[xburtonchic]

Bojangles; Thanks for all the helpful suggestions. One question though- my doctor is concerned about prescribing me clonodine because I already have naturally low blood pressure. It's not low enough that it's ever affected me, but his concern was that the clonodine might lower my blood pressure to the point where I could possibly faint since it's already so low. So is this something I should be legitimately worried about? I don't know how much blood pressure spikes during w/d's, so for all I know the clonodine would do more good than anything else. But if not, then would the Soma/Trams/passionflower combination alone do the trick?

I know I'm not ready to stop lol I never said I was. Do I WANT to get off? Hell yes, I want my life back. But wanting something is one thing, being ready for it is a different animal. But like I said earlier (it might have been in a different thread though, not sure)... whenever I mention this- whether it be to my doctor or my parents or my friends- I get the same reaction: "Why are you threatening to go back to taking drugs?" No matter how many times I try to explain to them that I'm not "threatening" ANYTHING, just stating simple facts of how addiction works, they seem to think that it's a conscious decision on my part and that I'm telling them, "No you have to do it MY way or I'm going to go out and use drugs just to spite you." It's completely ridiculous, really, but I suppose they just don't understand.

As far as my mother is concerned, the words that come out of my doctor's mouth might as well be the Holy Grail. She just keeps insisting that he knows what he's talking about and doesn't really care to listen when I bring up what people say on these forums. She just says, "He is a doctor and he's treated plenty of other patients; he knows what he's doing." I don't care HOW many degrees someone has, an addict is still going to know more about withdrawals and what goes on inside an addict's mind better than someone who hasn't been through it. That's not the type of thing you learn from going to medical school, it's something that comes with experience. But nooo... in my mom's perfect little world, everything is black and white and there is no gray area. I think my doctor feels the same way- that he knows best, and that if HE thinks I'm ready to get off the Suboxone, then I'm ready. I wanted to ask him how many of his Suboxone patients got off of Suboxone and actually stayed clean, but when I brought this up to my mom she flipped a lid and said I was being rude. So I didn't ask. Whatever. I probably already know the answer anyways.

I have called around to other Suboxone doctors, but they were all expensive to go to without going through my insurance. And my insurance is saying that I have to get a referral from my current doctor in order to go to a new one. I'm really not too sure how my insurance works exactly, all I know is that it works through a network of sorts. Anytime I need to go to a specialized doctor, my primary doctor (the one I'm seeing now) has to refer me. Otherwise I have to pay out of pocket. So as far as switching doctors goes, it seems a bit hopeless so far. The other thing that throws my Sub treatment out of my control is the money. My mom pays for half of my Suboxone. That's one reason she's so on board with my doctor's plan... because she's tired of "paying for my addiction", whatever the fuck that means. There is no way in hell I can afford to pay for my Suboxone on top of all the other bills I have.

So. When I say my Suboxone treatment is not in my control, I mean it. I haven't had any sort of control over it since day one. I've been forced to follow the tapering schedule my doctor gives me, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. The one time I actually took the dose I felt comfortable with, I ran out early and my doctor refused to prescribe me more until my next "official" refill. And it's not like it was anything extreme... I was taking 1 mg higher than what I was supposed to be taking, because he had me on 4mg everyday and then put me down to 1. Which was WAY too much of a jump. My thought process is that this is supposed to help me get clean and keep my head straight while I prepare myself to get off of opiates... to me, the purpose of Suboxone is not to cut my dosages so extreme so that I'm in a constant state of withdrawal. That sort of defeats the purpose.

I think I got off track for a minute there. Anyway, point being, I really don't have a choice. If the insurance company weren't giving me problems, my mom would. She's been saying for a while that she's not going to help me pay for it anymore, so. I kind of have to be prepared to quit, whether I like it or not. And if setting my own quit date makes me feel more comfortable and less angry about the situation, that's what I'm going to do. I see no reason why I should have to go into withdrawals all pissed off and angry at the world for forcing me to quit before I was ready. At least this way, I'll know that the withdrawal process is somewhat self imposed, and isn't happening because someone else is forcing me to go into withdrawal on whatever date THEY feel comfortable with.

Oh. And I'm currently taking .5 mg. Some days I'll take 1 mg, but I'm trying to stop doing that and just keep it at .5 mg so I can jump off with as little Sub in my system as possible. If I can figure out how to make them smaller, I'll take .25 mg the last couple of days. I started off on 16 mg a little over a year ago. So I'm not really quitting cold turkey, there has definitely been a tapering process.