This is a bad idea, and addicted thinking. If you drink you will see that it feels no different than the last time your drank - it will trigger a dopamine response and you'll love it. You may have control for a few days but that control rapidly dissapates. Addiction is not about will power - trust me. If it were will power than most of us would have stopped long before destroying our lives. Take a moment to read through this thread before you have that wine. It seems that you hve already had these thoughts and feelings, and were proven wrong. So many of us have gotten sober and had a year or more sober only to think that we may be able to use responsibly, only to fail. I ended up in rehab twice because of this. Is the potential pain and suffering worth the risk to you? Legitimate question - there isn't a right or wrong answer. I just want you to really take a moment and soberly consider the potential consequences of having that wine. I wish you good luck and please keep us updated.
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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
I've quit, but why..
- Thread starter churchpk
- Start date
This is a bad idea, and addicted thinking. If you drink you will see that it feels no different than the last time your drank - it will trigger a dopamine response and you'll love it. You may have control for a few days but that control rapidly dissapates. Addiction is not about will power - trust me. If it were will power than most of us would have stopped long before destroying our lives. Take a moment to read through this thread before you have that wine. It seems that you hve already had these thoughts and feelings, and were proven wrong. So many of us have gotten sober and had a year or more sober only to think that we may be able to use responsibly, only to fail. I ended up in rehab twice because of this. Is the potential pain and suffering worth the risk to you? Legitimate question - there isn't a right or wrong answer. I just want you to really take a moment and soberly consider the potential consequences of having that wine. I wish you good luck and please keep us updated.
manboychef
Bluelighter
Have you considered finding that dopamine response in a different way church? Drinking at this juncture will only throw a wrench in the cogs for all the changes you have made.
You said you haven't been working out? That is a great way to release a little dopamine. Eat some chocolate, watch some porn, kiss someone you love or are highly turned on by....these are some ways to release a little dopamine.
You said you haven't been working out? That is a great way to release a little dopamine. Eat some chocolate, watch some porn, kiss someone you love or are highly turned on by....these are some ways to release a little dopamine.
Okay, so I did drink, after the one cup of wine, it wasn't feeling enjoyable. The taste was extremely overwhelming and just the buzz itself was more sedating and kind of just unpleasant. I stopped after the one drink and that was it for the night. I haven't drank tonight, and I don't see it in the foreseeable future, hopefully. I guess it can be a reminder of that it doesn't feel that great after all, to prevent me from trying it again maybe? As I presumed, due to tolerance I'm sure, is why it didn't feel like it used to, and I sure as hell don't want to get actually drunk and have to endure the non-tolerant hangover from it.
Well, if it isn't about will power, then I guess I'm screwed? I mean - at the moment it doesn't feel like the addiction is going to creep back on, all I can do is keep busy for the time being I suppose.
manboychef - Honestly I haven't been doing anything different than I did while drinking. I mean, I eat chocolate once in a while, I watch porn daily, unfortunately I don't have a loved one to be intimate with, but I get by.
I appreciate all of the valuable info, I won't risk it again, and try not to give into it. It's just difficult always constantly thinking about it, and how it MIGHT not lead to addiction again.
Well, if it isn't about will power, then I guess I'm screwed? I mean - at the moment it doesn't feel like the addiction is going to creep back on, all I can do is keep busy for the time being I suppose.
manboychef - Honestly I haven't been doing anything different than I did while drinking. I mean, I eat chocolate once in a while, I watch porn daily, unfortunately I don't have a loved one to be intimate with, but I get by.
I appreciate all of the valuable info, I won't risk it again, and try not to give into it. It's just difficult always constantly thinking about it, and how it MIGHT not lead to addiction again.
Addiction is more an act of self medicating and escape from pain and unpleseantness that we either don't want to deal or can't deal with. Most addicts have an underlying mental health issue and lack coping mechanisms for handling stress. Usually in order to kick addiction one has to deal with the underlying cause.
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manboychef
Bluelighter
^^^^this is incredibly true. I failed at staying sober so many times because I didn't make the fundamental change in my mentality. I have OCD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Panic Disorder. I was always led back to active using by anxiety and depression. One of the problems with OCD is the desire to keep it a secret due to intense anxiety. It took me finally realizing that I cannot battle this on my own and needed support. I am now on meds that allow me to get closer to baseline and I no longer constantly feel like my world is coming to an end.
Have you done any of the DSM IV personality tests? It is a great start, but you will need to see a psychiatrist if you need meds.
Have you done any of the DSM IV personality tests? It is a great start, but you will need to see a psychiatrist if you need meds.
Been a long time since I updated this thread. Thought I would share, day 312 sober (was drinking the majority of the time since I last posted). No health issues to report from 10-13 years of daily drinking. Diagnosis of MS in 2018, but unrelated and under control. Been micro-dosing psilocybin mushrooms the past few months, definitely have with introspection, but still unclear if it helps with alcoholism and addiction from my experience.
Still going strong!
Feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
Apologies in advance for resurrecting an old thread if it's a rules violation of some kind.
Still going strong!
Feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
Apologies in advance for resurrecting an old thread if it's a rules violation of some kind.
It's certainly not against the rules, and I'm glad you posted an update! Thanks for sharing
It's great to hear you're doing well 
Hi all,
I ended up doing 490 says sober from alcohol, then a work function dinner fucked it up, been drinking everyday since may 1st. Sober again, day 3...restart the fucking clock...had to stop as i am having frequent heart palpitations and i feel like I'm getting dementia. Hope to god it sticks this time.
I ended up doing 490 says sober from alcohol, then a work function dinner fucked it up, been drinking everyday since may 1st. Sober again, day 3...restart the fucking clock...had to stop as i am having frequent heart palpitations and i feel like I'm getting dementia. Hope to god it sticks this time.
Reasoning to drinking being that you don't want to spend rest of your life not drinking? That logical process actually doesn't describe a) why you don't want that b) why you really want to drink. Which is maybe the same thing, dunno.
Watch out for incomplete logic and selective attention. Big issue with addiction behaviour.
I actually can emphasize with that logic.
"Amphetamine does things and I like some of them. It would be such a shame not achieving those things anymore when I quit in order to improve the quality of my life. Wow, anxiety. I want to live in reality where I can achieve those things. I want to execute that reality in order to eliminate my anxiety. I want amphetamine."
Will power turns you wanting to drink, ultimately.
"Shit I am tired as fuck and hurting and everything sucks. I have huge motivation to execute concept of being productive and functional and shit. I want amphetamine."
Gosh I am happy I am out of it. Possibly gonna get more for week in some months, but whatever. It was yet again very much on border of not being really worth it.
This is maybe little late but I wish it is still worth something.
Forces/fortress and godspeed for still going strong.
Tu further elaborate about will power;
I have OCPD. There is obsessive-compulsive behaviour and thinking. AND they are ego-syntonic (contrary to OCD), meaning, they feel true and meaningful, but one can achieve lucid moments, which commonly causes emotional distress.
Regarding those key components,
-(largely irrational) OC behaviour,
-illusions mind produces to maintain emotional stability
-and potential for seeing through them
addiction is the same.
But do I have issue with will power when I execute OC behaviour?
No. My mind is not coherent, it is disordered. Sometimes I just say I have two wills.
I have OCPD. There is obsessive-compulsive behaviour and thinking. AND they are ego-syntonic (contrary to OCD), meaning, they feel true and meaningful, but one can achieve lucid moments, which commonly causes emotional distress.
Regarding those key components,
-(largely irrational) OC behaviour,
-illusions mind produces to maintain emotional stability
-and potential for seeing through them
addiction is the same.
But do I have issue with will power when I execute OC behaviour?
No. My mind is not coherent, it is disordered. Sometimes I just say I have two wills.
64tf
Bluelighter
It's interesting to read this whole progression. I certainly relate to a lot of what your saying. How have the last few days gone?
Between Sept 4th and now I did about 25 days sober and been drinking again ever since. I have to stop today, my heart can't take it and I'm going insane with this memory loss/cognitive dysfunction. I don't even hope anymore...feels like this will be my life, constantly in and out of relapse until something breaks. Still trying to get it under control, managed to kick the diazepam of 20 mg a day habit in the process..so I guess that's one good thing down.
justme6263
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2012
- Messages
- 202
Stick it out my man. I am currently 2 days sober of alcohol, 4 of crack and 0 of opiates, I am new to this journey but we will both get there. I don't know what the answer is but isolation is the main issue with me... how about yourself? Whats up brother?
Painful One
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2017
- Messages
- 4,215
You managed to kick off 20 mg a day diazepam.
That alone is huge.
Don’t give up.
Keep trying.
I know it is discouraging.
Sending you some love and HOPE.
I do that all the time
But even when I have given up regarding specific goal, I never give up chasing some kind of "salvation" or "resolution"
it is okay to fall down, the fuck else should we expect, our enemies are fucking powerful
but it doesn't mean we should do surrender everything and do only what our enemies are ordering to
there is much we can do without our enemies GIVING A SINGLE SHIT
start from there and carry on by the way you see most meaningful
most harmful to "progression" is shame and focusing on progression
Do things you love
Hi all, thank you for all your ongoing support over the years, 30 days sober today off alcohol. Benzo use is down, 0.5mg diazepam every few days PRN. Blood work results last week all seemed pretty normal, somehow.
Short life update: changed jobs took a director role when I wasn't truly ready, ultimately it would have led to a crash and burn. Destroyed my marriage, sold my house in Canada, went to detox for 6 days, packed up my life and now I'm living in the US with my parents waiting for my green card to process so I can start working. (been petitioning for this since 2014, my marriage slowed it down greatly). on paid LOA and saving money to build a life back up again here.
I have Naltrexone, stopped taking it, don't find it helps with anything, all it does is give me vivid dreams and make my sleep cycle even shittier than it already is.
Let me know if you have any questions about my progress/experience with blacking out every night for 10+ years (jesus).
I'll keep updating this as a long-term relapse/recovery journal.
Short life update: changed jobs took a director role when I wasn't truly ready, ultimately it would have led to a crash and burn. Destroyed my marriage, sold my house in Canada, went to detox for 6 days, packed up my life and now I'm living in the US with my parents waiting for my green card to process so I can start working. (been petitioning for this since 2014, my marriage slowed it down greatly). on paid LOA and saving money to build a life back up again here.
I have Naltrexone, stopped taking it, don't find it helps with anything, all it does is give me vivid dreams and make my sleep cycle even shittier than it already is.
Let me know if you have any questions about my progress/experience with blacking out every night for 10+ years (jesus).
I'll keep updating this as a long-term relapse/recovery journal.
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