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I've quit, but why..

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churchpk

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 4, 2012
Messages
96
Hi,

I am a male 27 years old 6'3 185lb and for the past 4.5 years I've drank three 10% 500ml beers a night. I work full time and I am highly functional but I know this alcohol everyday is a problem. I am currently prescribed clonazepam 0.5mg BID for unrelated reasons, and I don't abuse them. I am now on day 6 of quitting drinking cold turkey because it has started to impact my cognitive function and I can tell it's starting to do some damage. The problem I'm feeling is that; although I have to quit, I don't want to. It's a weird feeling cause it feels like i'm just counting down the days until I start drinking again. I always drink alone, never have with others, and I've done this ritualistically after work every night without missing a day. I'm sure the clonazepam is contributing in subsiding any withdrawal I may have from alcohol, but I'm not sure if I'm physically dependent on it. The reason I quit was from a really bad hangover I had last weekend. I try to keep busy after work but the boredom is starting to become a real hindrance. I've attended one NA/AA session about a year ago, and I found it made me want to drink even more, so I did not continue to go to it, and it also contradicted my social phobia.

So it is now New Years eve, not drinking, just in a cycle thinking about it. Is this normal or do I have to hit rock bottom before I can quit? Just feels like a ticking time bomb at the moment..though I seem to be having some control over it.

Any input is greatly appreciated.

Thanks.
 
Rock-bottom is an NA/AA-term and it needn't apply to every human on this planet. So no, you don't have to necessarily hit rock bottom before you stop. But you are noticing drinking is affecting you negatively. You have that awareness. And it springs from your neocortex. Now the more animalistic part of your brain wants to still drink, let's say the amygdala/hippocampus, but it's a bit more complicated than that. You have to work hard on using your awareness that you are doing damage. Once you have been off a few weeks the thoughts will/should become less as you are rewiring your brain. It takes a while to break a habit. Some people say 3 weeks. I'd like to think 3 months for a more solid quit. Either way, if it doesn't work, you could always try moderation and drinking less on fewer days. Some people seem to be able to do that with alcohol and just because you have developed a bit of a habit doesn't necessarily mean you can't go back to moderation. Personally, i think this is a key difference between say alcohol and heroin.
 
yeah most people don't need to hit rock bottom to curb their use. I look at rock bottom as death....I have been in the position of dying because of my use, but luckily I hit bottom and bounced.
 
Are there any activities that you could add to the picture to kill the boredom.

Are there any aspects of life you may have shelved that could be dusted off at this point.
 
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I suggest you don't wait until you hit rock bottom to resolve your situation. Nothing good can come out of that.
When you stop doing something that gives you pleasure that makes your days 'better' it's normal to feel like this.

With time this feeling of emptiness or lethargy will slowly disappearing and you'll feel more motivated. For some of us it takes more than a couple of months to get back to normal. It's important that you try to do something else even if it feels difficult in the beginning it's important to keep yourself busy.

Exercises can help you a lot. From my experience I remember that even watching TV was not as good as it used to be.
But it will be if you persist, be patient and look at the benefits of quitting. Your health will improve significantly with time. Your appearances will also be better. People tend to notice these things and that could also be a positive outcome.
Look at all the positive things that can happen to you.

Give one more try to AA meetings. Keep visiting us here at BL. You will have assistance. It's important to share or hear what other people are going through. You can find a way to deal with your cravings. They will help you with that.

People go through these feelings all the time and I believe you'll be able to handle this. I believe you can do this.
Believe it yourself.

I wish you good luck!
Erik
 
Thanks all for the support.

I used to be well into fitness and BMX, but living in Canada I can only pursue biking in the two months of summer, leaving the remainder of the year up to the gym (which I currently am not enrolled in) and endlessly sprawling YouTube. Another part that sucks is that I have no friends, and I don't know anyone in real life who has dealt with alcohol problems, which I guess AA would help with. That also leads to another problem, the social phobia, social anxiety and general anxiety disorder on top of Asperger's. I do prefer to be alone, hence why I always drank alone, but it would be nice to have people in real life who shared interests that I have, though sparse since I am interested ion weird things that the average person would find weird. I just need to get the motivation to start doing things I used to do alone, like bowling, playing pool, and going to the gym. It's just hard to jump start it I suppose.
 
look....it doesn't matter what you do....just do something? Stagnation is a fools errand and it will only lead you to where you do not wish to be. Believe me, I have been there.

Just do something!!!!! Even if its just making a paper airplane and sending it flying out your window.
 
churchpk said:
Thanks all for the support.

I used to be well into fitness and BMX, but living in Canada I can only pursue biking in the two months of summer, leaving the remainder of the year up to the gym (which I currently am not enrolled in) and endlessly sprawling YouTube. Another part that sucks is that I have no friends, and I don't know anyone in real life who has dealt with alcohol problems, which I guess AA would help with. That also leads to another problem, the social phobia, social anxiety and general anxiety disorder on top of Asperger's. I do prefer to be alone, hence why I always drank alone, but it would be nice to have people in real life who shared interests that I have, though sparse since I am interested ion weird things that the average person would find weird. I just need to get the motivation to start doing things I used to do alone, like bowling, playing pool, and going to the gym. It's just hard to jump start it I suppose.
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See if there are any Smart Recovery groups in your area for a different take. No matter which way you go--SMART or AA--it would be helpful for meeting sober friends. Getting motivation is always hard for me so I sympathize. Sometimes I literally set up a reward for myself like you might do with a recalcitrant toddler.=D
 
herbavore said:
See if there are any Smart Recovery groups in your area for a different take. No matter which way you go--SMART or AA--it would be helpful for meeting sober friends. Getting motivation is always hard for me so I sympathize. Sometimes I literally set up a reward for myself like you might do with a recalcitrant toddler.=D
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I second this. SMART recovery can do miracles for people who have struggled for years in the relapse/recovery cycle. They focus on quality of life/healthy coping mechanisms as opposed to NA/AA complete sobriety/clean-time/spirituality.
 
Honestly it's been going quite well. Today is day 12 and haven't slipped up or had cravings for it like I initially thought I would. I've been eating extremely healthy and going to the gym ~5 times a week. I don't want to speak too soon, but I guess it didn't really have as much of a hold on me as I thought it did. Maybe it was purely habitual and didn't have to do with any emotional or mental problems using it as a crutch. But yeah, still going strong and going to be cleaning up two weeks sober on Friday. Thanks everyone so far for all the help and input. I can definitely do this I think. The real question is, will I be able to be able to drink in moderation for the rest of my life or is this a life long sobriety thing. Who knows..
 
churchpk said:
Honestly it's been going quite well. Today is day 12 and haven't slipped up or had cravings for it like I initially thought I would. I've been eating extremely healthy and going to the gym ~5 times a week. I don't want to speak too soon, but I guess it didn't really have as much of a hold on me as I thought it did. Maybe it was purely habitual and didn't have to do with any emotional or mental problems using it as a crutch. But yeah, still going strong and going to be cleaning up two weeks sober on Friday. Thanks everyone so far for all the help and input. I can definitely do this I think. The real question is, will I be able to be able to drink in moderation for the rest of my life or is this a life long sobriety thing. Who knows..
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If you want to drink in moderation you will have to set yourself clear boundaries as to how much, when and where is acceptable for you to drink. Writing it down in a spreadsheet could even help.

Ideally, if you can keep drinking to a certain weekday, low amount and only socially outside of your home, then you might be able to be on a winning situation. You'll have to trial it. For me it'is semi-possible. I never go overboard but its hard to stick to just Friday, 3 drinks and only outside. Those are my rules. And then every now and then we will have some wine with dinner at home which seems perfectly innocent but given my addictive personality its not as it could lead to more and itsnt healthy. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries....and if you cross them, you have to ''punishz' yourself by instating 2 weeks off....or 4 weeks.
 
Just an update, I went from Christmas Eve til January 29th. Had a couple of drinks and remembered how euphoric it made me feel. Since then I've been back in the same routine until today. Starting over again...sigh. day 1 done.
 
churchpk said:
Just an update, I went from Christmas Eve til January 29th. Had a couple of drinks and remembered how euphoric it made me feel. Since then I've been back in the same routine until today. Starting over again...sigh. day 1 done.
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Hey man at least you got a solid month in, congrats!
 
If you find you have problems with relapse, you may want to consider discussing this with a doctor. You may also want to look into cognitive behavioral therapy, as that works wonders with social anxiety, and anxiety in general. Because of CBT I can now manage my anxiety without medication. I suspect it may be harder for you to quit drinking while you are on clonazapam, as it hits the same receptors as alcohol. As benzodiazapines are not a longer term solution and eventually cause more problems than they solve, you may want to discuss other options for anxiety with your doctor. I keep Indural (propranolol) on hand because it works well for both acute and prevasive anxiety. I seldom take it now, but it was a godsend in early recovery when I was stopping benzos and booze. Vivitrol is also a good solution as it blocks you from getting any pleasure if you slip and works for 30 days. I found it also helped with anxiety. The best thing you can do is figure out the underlying reason why you are drinking, and resolve that. Once you do that getting sober is fairly easy. Good luck!
 
Moreaux said:
If you find you have problems with relapse, you may want to consider discussing this with a doctor. You may also want to look into cognitive behavioral therapy, as that works wonders with social anxiety, and anxiety in general. Because of CBT I can now manage my anxiety without medication. I suspect it may be harder for you to quit drinking while you are on clonazapam, as it hits the same receptors as alcohol. As benzodiazapines are not a longer term solution and eventually cause more problems than they solve, you may want to discuss other options for anxiety with your doctor. I keep Indural (propranolol) on hand because it works well for both acute and prevasive anxiety. I seldom take it now, but it was a godsend in early recovery when I was stopping benzos and booze. Vivitrol is also a good solution as it blocks you from getting any pleasure if you slip and works for 30 days. I found it also helped with anxiety. The best thing you can do is figure out the underlying reason why you are drinking, and resolve that. Once you do that getting sober is fairly easy. Good luck!
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seconded. The best way to stay sober is to work on the problems that caused you to want to use in the first place in conjunction with staying sober.
 
I'm already on Bisoprolol 5mg and my doctor won't raise the dosage since my heart rate is too slow, even though it doesn't work like it used to. I've heard all about the CBT to get off of the benzos for a long time, however I have a benign tremor in my hands and the neurologist keeps throwing clonazepam at it as the main solution. I'll probably be on it for the rest of my life since besides deep brain stimulation, I haven't found any other good alternatives except other benzos.

As far as some deep underlying issue, I wouldn't know where to even think of anything since I never drank my whole life til my early 20s. It may have been due to a stressful drug addict girlfriend at the time, but that's over with. It kind of just continued after because the euphoria of alcohol just can't be beat to me by opiates, or benzos or anything else. Having Asperger's and a learning disability and ADHD and the social anxiety stuff, it seems like a good cure for all those problems lol. Since I can never really express my feelings or what I'm even thinking most of the time due to the Asperger's, nothing I say if ever really for sure, or true, or what i'm actually interpreting. Okay so I've killed day 2, and will do so for the next few weeks and maybe even the full month again, but it just feels like an inevitable time bomb til I just think to myself, "oh, I can just do it in moderation now", and that won't be the case.
 
churchpk said:
I'm already on Bisoprolol 5mg and my doctor won't raise the dosage since my heart rate is too slow, even though it doesn't work like it used to. I've heard all about the CBT to get off of the benzos for a long time, however I have a benign tremor in my hands and the neurologist keeps throwing clonazepam at it as the main solution. I'll probably be on it for the rest of my life since besides deep brain stimulation, I haven't found any other good alternatives except other benzos.

As far as some deep underlying issue, I wouldn't know where to even think of anything since I never drank my whole life til my early 20s. It may have been due to a stressful drug addict girlfriend at the time, but that's over with. It kind of just continued after because the euphoria of alcohol just can't be beat to me by opiates, or benzos or anything else. Having Asperger's and a learning disability and ADHD and the social anxiety stuff, it seems like a good cure for all those problems lol. Since I can never really express my feelings or what I'm even thinking most of the time due to the Asperger's, nothing I say if ever really for sure, or true, or what i'm actually interpreting. Okay so I've killed day 2, and will do so for the next few weeks and maybe even the full month again, but it just feels like an inevitable time bomb til I just think to myself, "oh, I can just do it in moderation now", and that won't be the case.
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I was similar with respect to thinking after a period of abstinence that I could use in moderation, and always failed. I can't use in moderation, eventually it sank in. However, if you can get some sober time in, consider getting on naltrexone. If you're taking naltrexone and you want to drink, you won't get the euphoria. You will still get drunk if you drink enough, but no euphoria so you feel super slow with little coordination, hot, sweaty, dehydrated, slurred speech, and a horrible taste in your mouth. It's pretty disgusting if you can actually drink enough, and it puts you off of alcohol pretty quick.

I think getting a handle on the social anxiety would be the best thing you could do if you want sobriety. Some how you have to learn how to be comfortable in your own skin, and you have to learn how to deal with people, and be able to do both at the same time. It's easier said than done, and something I still work on even though I'm almost 40.

In my struggle, I have learned a few things. One, most people have insecurities, even if they come off as completely confident. Most people are not nearly as judgmental towards us as were are of ourselves. Odds are, most people are oblivious to the traits you are insecure about, meaning they don't notice. Really understanding the meaning of the aforementioned words allowed me to fake confidence enough to have more interaction with people, and get much better at social interaction so I'm not nearly as anxious having to be around them. I still don't like crowds, but I don't think that's ever going to change.

I still think getting to the root issue is going to be your best bet. Please keep us updated.
 
Have you ever tried positive self talk? Come up with three things everyday you like about yourself and say them to yourself in the mirror. Eventually you will become what you say.
 
Youre getting good advice here but wanted to add something. You mentioned in your first post you wanted to stop drinking because of cognitive impairment. Have you discussed this with your neurologist as while alcohol certainly can do it, both clonazepam and bisoprolol can too.
 
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