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Its gettin' bad

neurofall said:
The key is to stay away from the people who can encourage you taking the stuff. Don't try to sniff out any dealers. Cut off the old connect (maybe tell him that you will call him every 2 months to check in kinda)

You need to want to quit really bad. I am not sure if you do but i hope you do want to quit badly enough.
Click to expand...
this, IME, is true
any updates OD?
 
Hey folks,

I'm gettin' there slowly. My HP definitely doesn't want me to use. I slipped on Sunday night and went to the city and bought some rocks even though I think crack is a waste. I got ripped off and was kinda thankful that I did.

My emotions are all over the place and I have all these feelings all of a sudden that I have no idea how to deal with. For example: I had severe suicidal thoughts last night and cried but today I feel pretty good. This is par for the course, I suppose.

I'll have health insurance on the first of October and I plan on seeing a drug counselor as soon as the insurance kicks in. I want a counselor that was an addict so that he/she can see through all my bullshit.

I am still questioning my commitment (if I have one) to recovery. I arrived in town last monday and made 2 meetings in 3 days. I called 2 addicts from the phone list I was given (spoke with one, left a message for the other) but I haven't been to a meeting since.

It was cool to meet FightClub and we are hitting a meeting tonight.

I'm also working at my friend's pizzeria. This is a blessing and a curse. I'm making money but there is a bar across the street that I've been going to (yes, I have been drinking beer but haven't been drunk yet) that caters to a well-known bike club. I think I may be setting myself up by going there. Maybe I'm not comitted at all? I thought I had hit my bottom but I don't know.

I love being around recovering addicts but sometimes I feel like I'm not good/well enough to breathe the same air as them. I also think that the things I want to share are either trivial or something that they will judge me for and turn their backs on me.

Sorry for the long post. Just thought I would give an update. I try to make journal entries as often as possible. I figure that if I do get clean I can look back and read my entries whenever I feel weak

I know that I am 100% grateful that I stumbled upon BL when I did. Thanks
 
dang man so your connection isn't even trippin about the debt? i can't imagine how i'd feel after loaning someone that much drugs. not just the money either..the time spent to meet you and all that..damn makes me sick thinking about it
 
I have a temporary sponsor now. I had sponsors before but I never used them. I always worked steps 1 through 3 by myself which means i used my own warped interpretations of their true purpose and meanings.

Looking back this tells me that, essentially, i've worked no steps whatsoever.

If I don't fall into old patterns of isolation, laziness, cockiness and poor meeting attendance, i might start getting well.

Time will tell
 
good on ya OverDone....your doing really well compared to when you came on.

just follow the direction of your spons and try listen in meetings...i know its hard but if the penny drops one out of 10 meetings its been worth it.

yeh and isolation and complacency isnt the way forward.

keep at it stay surrendered and keep it in the day.

Deponer.
 
How are you doing man? Update plz!
Wanna know about u. actually, eveen u living in America and i living in Brazil, for some strange kind of internet-lace, i care about you...
Hope u're doing fine!
Best regards,
Edward.
 
thanks brasil, i'll pm you as well.

I don't know exactly how long it has been since i've used. I tried to score but was ripped off and I have actually said 'no' to a dude who offered. It isn't easy but it is getting easier.

I drink beer but haven't been drunk but twice. These two times were when I added tequila to the mix.

I feel good but, at times, my brain messes with me. Feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, painful memories, self-hatred, etc. pop into my head and then i feel a bit depressed.

I have a sponsor but i don't think i'm a very good sponsee. Sometimes i feel like i'm not good enough to be sponsored. We have hit two meetings together and it was pretty cool. Oh! Check this out... ...my sponsor is a Bluelighter! Who woulda' thunk?

I've been speaking with the girl that I left behind when I thought chasing after a careeer was more important. I loved her then but, as I told her tonight, i realizer that that was more of a 'high school love'.

My feelings for her now are something I've never experienced before. This must be what they call true love. Its fucking intense but I'm afraid that my past may steal what I believe would be the perfect relationship from us.

I have a job working for a friend who knows how i am and has seen me actively using as well as actively recovering and I have his (and his family's) support. I spoke with the connect that I owe money to and told him I'd like to send him $50 a week but he just laughed a little and wouldn't give me an address.

I'm starting to feel like a new me. A bit too sensitive perhaps but, even though I'm not good with handling these feelings, at least I am FEELING.

Things I need to work on:
Hitting more meetings
Showing more interest in step work
Selfishness
Patience
Handling cravings
TRUST
**EDIT** Jealousy, Self-confidence, Acceptance, Responsibility

...to name a few.

Its gettin' better!
 
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wow, sounds like ur coming along in leaps and bounds, OD!
really happy to read of this
and if ur sponsor is a BLer then u cant bullshit us here! ;)
just remember: one day at a time
recovery is a slow process and it will only work for u if u take life slowly while ur recovering
addiction is like any disease IMO - while ur recovering dont try to take on the world, cos thats wen relapse happens
take care <3
 
drug_wench said:
...just remember: one day at a time
recovery is a slow process and it will only work for u if u take life slowly while ur recovering...
<3
Click to expand...

I looked back on this thread and your words have helped me tonight. I don't feel like using but my mind is fucking all over the place and my heart is starting to get hurt.

Time to slow down and not project into the future.

I'm also completely powerless over other people's actions and the repercussions of my past

I NEED to remember these things.

Thanks DW
 
i need to remember those words too actually OD - so uve helped both of us by bringing this thread back to life!
hang in there mate!
 
OverDone said:
Can you believe i filtered the remains of blood left in old syringes and shot it? What the fuck is wrong with me?
Click to expand...

Every IV drug user I've ever known has done this.

Go to rehab. Take a second mortgage out to do that. You need to get out of your environment and into a controlled environment.
 
Just thought I'd give an update. I should have went to rehab when I got home in september. Its all for the best I suppose, I just wish my choices didn't have such an effect on those I actually care about.



I just copied this from my blog


"So, I picked up again.I was feeling good and felt like 'one more time'. I have a lot of experience that tells me that there is no such thing as a last time

.A couple of days into my stupid decision, I was shooting coke and was rather paranoid. My girlfriend called and texted me a bunch of times and I didn't reply (I was fucked up)

.I had both locks on the door as well as the chain. I had done a nice shot of the last of my shit and was sitting on the floor of my bedroom leaning against the bed. The lights were off in my room. I had the closet light on with the door slightly open to allow a bit of light into the room.I heard someone at the door. My girl came over and was able to reach her hand inside the door and undo the chain.I knew what was coming when I heard the steps creek that led upstairs. I startled her when she got to the bedroom door. The light from the closet was angled directly where I was sitting on the floor. I was sweaty, shaky and my heart was pounding.I told her I fucked up and that I was shootin' coke.

She was devastated. I lied and hurt her. The deceit is what is most hurtful, I believe. I lied to her and we were doing so well.The next day when I was at work, 'M' came to my house and found my needles, spoons, empty bags, weed pipe, plastic weed containers and, worst of all, bloody paper towels. She also saw blood droplets on the kitchen floor.She came to my work and confronted me. I made her cry from this bullshit decision. She was furious, hurt, deceived and betrayed. I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted to use a little and then stop. Just keep it my own little secret. She is the one person that I feel comfortable and safe telling my secrets to.

I'm an asshole. I hurt her.I will be in a rehab facility in (hopefully) a week. My insurance doesn't cover behavioral health so in order to get funding for treatment I need to get a letter from my insurance company stating that this isn't covered. Once I have that, I need to go to the Welfare Office and get a rejection letter. THEN I can call this place that will give a one-on-one assesment and hopefully pay for the Rehab up the street from me

.I may have destroyed the best thing that could ever happen to me."
 
OD:

We're all pullin for you man. All of us in TDS have been where you are, to varying degrees with various substances.

Addiction is a war, not a battle. You're allowed to lose some battles along the way to recovery as long as you keep fighting the war.

I wish you all the best in getting into a good rehab facility. But beyond that, as much as everyone says it, you truly need to want to be clean.

Rehab is not a magic bullet. It's only one tool to try to help you stay clean when you make that decision.

The reason I say this is that you've cut people out of your life and moved away in order to get away from this stuff, and yet you're still actively seeking it out. That part MUST end before you can start to clean yourself up.

Best,

DISCO
 
OD - call me if I can help. My number is still the same. PM me if you lost it. It always ends the same way, brother. Same way for me; same way for you.

FC
 
hi im pretty new here and i havent been on coke for yrs but reading your first posts really brings me back to where i have been, i was a serious coke addict before i found heroin and i have been in your shoes where me and my ex owed dealers mad money not little bit either i really dont won't to advocate this but if you need to use benzo's for a few days to try to get yourself out of the habit do it , fuck whatever works, i have been there sitting in the fucking bathroom for hours fucking crying cuz i missed so many times and my needles keep getting clogged up, god begging friends to help me hit in the weirdest places, get to a rehab do anything because i know at this point it is almost impossible to just quit on your own, i have been both heroin addicted and cocaine, and yes physical sucks with heroin oh god the need want all of it, to keep using coke is insane, i dont know you but i do cuz it is me in past and i really do understand please get help you will end up dead or something from either your own hands or a dealers, you are not a baby this a terrible addiction and i commend you so much for your honesty and your desire to stop and i empathisize with the feeling that you cant, when i think of coke now i get sick cuz i knew how down and out i got on it and would do fucking anything for another shot, i am sending good vibes your way and anytime you need someone to talk to you could msg me also ashla
 
Update

My connection that I owed all that money to died at the age of 59 recently. He had a double lung transplant about 3 years ago and died from complications afterwards. Now I feel like a completely selfish asshole.

People say 'Well, looks like you're off the hook!'. No, its not about that. If I paid even HALF of what I owed him he would have been able to visit his kids before he left us.

RIP my friend. You were there for me, making sure I ate, took care of my dog when I was too paranoid and fucked up to leave the house. You were there and now...
 
OD, try not to hate yourself for that and DON'T let it be an excuse to keep getting fucked up. I think he would forgive you. Do you? Because that's the important thing - knowing he would forgive you and love you anyway. It was a shitty thing, but I think if he could speak now, he'd forgive you and tell you to clean the fuck up. yes?

How's the rehab situation going?
 
Rehab and Overdose

Its been about a year since I started this thread. Here's a somewhat positive update.

I received a rejection letter from the Welfare/Social Security Office for medical assistance. I need this letter in order to get placed into rehab by a company called Gaudenzia. I need and want this. I'm tired of hating and hurting myself. I crave stability in all aspects (emotionally, mentally, financially, etc)

I will be taking my rejection letter to Gaudenzia on Monday and they claim to be able to have me in a facility the next day. Its FINALLY time for me to 'man up' and do what's necesarry to repair all the damage I have done (to others and myself). This only starts with rehab. I have A LOT of work to do from that point on.
Yesterday, another BL'er and I were hanging out/shooting up. He did a speedball and I asked him how he was feeling. He responded with something along the lines of 'heaven' or 'total bliss'. He then faded out on me. I yelled at him, smacked his face, dug my knuckles in his chest, threw water on him but he didn't respond. I attemptef mouth to mouth (his breathing was shallow). No response

I called 911 and told them there was an unresponsive person and needed an ambulance. At this point his lips were blue and his face was a grayish color. The 911 operator told me to get him on his side so he didn't choke on his throw up

The paramedics arrived with the police and were able to revive him and take him to the hospital

I had the possibility of facing charges for paraphernalia but I knew the officers that responded and learned today that there would be no charges as long as I went to rehab. Shit, rehab is what I've been working towards for the last two months. No problem there.
 
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