cduggles
Bluelight Crew
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are just having a rough patch.
Take a few deep breaths and then let us know what your options are. ?
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Is this normal behaviour at NA? I need advice.
- Thread starter Marla1976
- Start date
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Don't be so hard on yourself. You are just having a rough patch.
Take a few deep breaths and then let us know what your options are. ?
Marla1976
Bluelighter
5 days ago i had a huge fight with my husband. He doesn't want me around other guys. He literally got mad at hearing me say that i want to attend mixed group meetings. , and we were in his car, and he was driving, and I guess his jealousy issues got the best of him and he got super duper mad and started screaming at me. He also drove recklessly and almost hit a parked car. He was swerving and stuff.
Needless to say i decided to attend my only female group. Within my region this is the only all female NA group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. Also this chair person touchy feely woman didn't touch me after i told her off eight months ago. Three days ago i went to a meeting, she signed my paper "card" . I must attend this only female NA group because of my husband.
My husband has always been insecure and jealous but because of my affair he has lost trust in me. We are constantly arguing. This happens on a daily basis...and he doesn't understand how frustrating this is, for me. He constantly frustrates me.
cduggles
Bluelight Crew
Marla,
I'm so glad you confronted the woman who was touching you inappropriately, even though it was difficult for you to do.
Do you feel comfortable with the NA group now?
I'm so glad you confronted the woman who was touching you inappropriately, even though it was difficult for you to do.
Do you feel comfortable with the NA group now?
Marla1976
Bluelighter
Most of these women group members still think that i am stuck up and arrogant upper middle class snob. I feel like these women don't really like me. But two meetings a week isn't that many. I just need to get through this.
cduggles
Bluelight Crew
I know that it's hard to face all the anger from your husband and the dislike from the NA group. You are doing great.
Just hang on to the idea that you are keeping yourself out of jail, which is definitely worse than your situation now!
I can only imagine what you feel, but please hang on for yourself and your daughter.
Marla1976
Bluelighter
The affair has been done and over and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me at least. He is soooo angry still, I can't understand it. I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened. Since my affair i try to just keep quiet and not annoy him but I feel as if I have lost my husband and our previously close relationship will never be the same. My husband cannot forgive me.
I love my husband.I try my hardest.I am so lonely having no one to talk to about my situation. I barely have any friends. I just want someone to understand, hear me. I don't know where I'm going to find that. I don't know what to do my life is completely messed up.
hotfriesmmm
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2019
- Messages
- 58
Marla, are you working the steps, or just going to meetings? Also no that behavior is not normal in NA.
cduggles
Bluelight Crew
Marla,
I'm sorry NA can't be a positive place for you to talk. Jealousy is a powerful problem with some people.
As I highlighted above, you are right that you can't change the past and also that your husband hasn't chosen to forgive you.
All you can do is try to work through it and give him as much time and attention as you can spare, not more. He's not being supportive, and he should because you need to go to NA to stay free.
We're listening and we'll get through it. Okay?
Marla1976
Bluelighter
I’m sick of my husband’s manipulating and domineering ways. But I’m torn because we have a daughter. My husband is very likely to put me through hell if I ask for a divorce. I’m not sure I could put my daughter through that pain and damage her self esteem. I’ll always be there for my daughter no matter what because she is my 1st priority and i love her to death. a messy divorce is something i don’t want. I do not want a divorce. I have accepted my faults, what I've done to damage our marriage, my affair, and how much I hurt my husband. I am telling him constantly that I love him, how special he is and how much he means to me. I am showing him affection, which at times is rejected and I understand why. I have and will continue to be open and honest with the questions he has as I know we need to do this if we are to move forward, despite the my shame, disgust and embarrassment. I am asking him a lot if he wishes to talk about it, or has any questions.
I so desperately want to be able to help him heal and re-build our marriage but I am not sure how best to go about it. I want us to be able to raise our daughter together in a loving happy home. Am I doing the right things? I know I did wrong and you are right to judge me, but any advice you have on what I need to do to help him through this would be really appreciated.
^Sounds painful, best to see a marriage counselor. Seems like too much to manage, alone.
My 2c -If your daughter is witnessing her mother unhappy - this is not good for her (or you, either). If you are struggling to love, or get love from your husband and feel reluctant & obligated to stay in the marriage, then everybody suffers (including you and your daughter); in my opinion. However, if you feel you can forgive yourself and move on from that, with respect to both yourself and your husband then, stay with it - either way, counseling will help IMO. It doesn't sound remotely easy, in the least but either way its a process and having a third party to council may offer you some sense of confidence with both the practicalities of leaving and/ making the best decision for you and your family. Good luck with it, Marla
My 2c -If your daughter is witnessing her mother unhappy - this is not good for her (or you, either). If you are struggling to love, or get love from your husband and feel reluctant & obligated to stay in the marriage, then everybody suffers (including you and your daughter); in my opinion. However, if you feel you can forgive yourself and move on from that, with respect to both yourself and your husband then, stay with it - either way, counseling will help IMO. It doesn't sound remotely easy, in the least but either way its a process and having a third party to council may offer you some sense of confidence with both the practicalities of leaving and/ making the best decision for you and your family. Good luck with it, Marla
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Marla1976
Bluelighter
My husband is so negative and unhappy himself but he won't do anything about it, he will just let it go on and on - both for him personally and in the relationship. He's so mean to me sometimes. But not all the time. But when he's mad, the insults, the namecalling, the F bombs just come out of his mouth like it means nothing to him. And then, he'll say "let's just end this. Neither of us is enjoying this."^Sounds painful, best to see a marriage counselor. Seems like too much to manage, alone.
My 2c -If your daughter is witnessing her mother unhappy - this is not good for her (or you, either). If you are struggling to love, or get love from your husband and feel reluctant & obligated to stay in the marriage, then everybody suffers (including you and your daughter); in my opinion. However, if you feel you can forgive yourself and move on from that, with respect to both yourself and your husband then, stay with it - either way, counseling will help IMO. It doesn't sound remotely easy, in the least but either way its a process and having a third party to council may offer you some sense of confidence with both the practicalities of leaving and/ making the best decision for you and your family. Good luck with it, Marla
It's so deflating to hear that every few weeks. It just makes me feel like what's the point? Why should I fight for a man who makes me feel like worthless crap? Since my affair he has become emotionally and verbally abusive. At least I think it's abuse. It all doesn't seem right for a husband to treat me the way he does.
cduggles
Bluelight Crew
@Marla1976 Hi Marla, I've been reading your posts and meaning to reply.
You don't deserve to be punished forever. If your husband can't forgive you, then maybe it's time to try a counselor for the sake of your daughter (who might benefit from attending some sessions herself) or separate.
Is it possible for you to separate if it becomes necessary? Sometimes the sincere intention to leave can provoke positive change, as odd as it sounds. Or the act of leaving.
I think Asclepius phrased things quite well:
You're carrying such a heavy burden, and I wish you some happiness.
Let us know how you're doing, please! ?
You don't deserve to be punished forever. If your husband can't forgive you, then maybe it's time to try a counselor for the sake of your daughter (who might benefit from attending some sessions herself) or separate.
Is it possible for you to separate if it becomes necessary? Sometimes the sincere intention to leave can provoke positive change, as odd as it sounds. Or the act of leaving.
I think Asclepius phrased things quite well:
^Sounds painful, best to see a marriage counselor. Seems like too much to manage, alone.
My 2c -If your daughter is witnessing her mother unhappy - this is not good for her (or you, either). If you are struggling to love, or get love from your husband and feel reluctant & obligated to stay in the marriage, then everybody suffers (including you and your daughter); in my opinion. However, if you feel you can forgive yourself and move on from that, with respect to both yourself and your husband then, stay with it - either way, counseling will help IMO. It doesn't sound remotely easy, in the least but either way its a process and having a third party to council may offer you some sense of confidence with both the practicalities of leaving and/ making the best decision for you and your family. Good luck with it, Marla
You're carrying such a heavy burden, and I wish you some happiness.
Let us know how you're doing, please! ?
Marla1976
Bluelighter
My husband goes mad if he tries to phone me and can’t get hold of me. If anything breaks in the house or is lost he immediately blames me. He acts like two different people. When he is nice to me I think that maybe we could work it out. When he isn’t, I feel trapped and that I want to run away. I have told my mum that I want to leave him and yet she pointed out that I am nice to him, call him darling and things like that. She doesn’t understand that and I feel confused. She says I am being unkind by pretending everything is okay.
cduggles
Bluelight Crew
It sounds like such a difficult situation, Marla.
If your husband won’t go to counseling, perhaps you should go?
Maybe it will help to talk things out with someone since NA isn’t a safe place for you to speak.
I’m rooting for you.
If your husband won’t go to counseling, perhaps you should go?
Maybe it will help to talk things out with someone since NA isn’t a safe place for you to speak.
I’m rooting for you.
Marla1976
Bluelighter
Every second my husband is home, he's being an asshole over anything and everything. He just makes me so miserable and sad. He's destroying me. I love him, and I don't want to leave - but I honestly can't figure out how I can stay in a relationship with him.
Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
Your husband has a big jealousy problem and he's taking it out on you. Honestly the way he's behaving is terribly immature and completely unfair to you. If he is unwilling to go to counseling for his jealousy issues, and it's so bad that he's mostly just being a dick to you and taking it out on you, this might not be a sustainable relationship. A person can only take so much, and should be only be expected to take so much. The ironic thing is that by treating you this way, he is making the thing he fears actually happen.
Sorry I don't have much sympathy for people who have that kind of jealousy problem. It's his issue and he's taking it all out on you, it's really unfair and something that, if he doesn't address it, face that it is his problem, and move past it, it will not get better (and in fact will probably get worse).
Sorry I don't have much sympathy for people who have that kind of jealousy problem. It's his issue and he's taking it all out on you, it's really unfair and something that, if he doesn't address it, face that it is his problem, and move past it, it will not get better (and in fact will probably get worse).
CoastTwoCoast
Bluelighter
@Marla1976 How many more NA meetings do you have? You've already invested so much time, I'd recommend just toughing it out at this point instead of having to start over from scratch.
Your marriage is something you DO NOT have to tough out. Your husband was jealous of you to begin with which is a red flag. Now he is making your life unbearable because of the affair. It's been about a decade now since it happened. He needed to make the decision to forgive you and leave it in the past. He has no right to bring it up anymore if he really wanted to move on. He is unwilling to get counseling. There is no reasoning with him. I seriously recommend a divorce. You sound like an independent woman who can take care of yourself. You don't need him. You are not his prisoner. Please consider a divorce. Tell him you will not tolerate his emotional abuse anymore and to move on or you are leaving him. By staying with him, your daughter is not seeing a good example of how she should be treated in a relationship. It's not healthy whatsoever.
A new year is coming up. This is a great time to re-evaluate our lives and see what we need to let go of before a new year is here...whether it's toxic relationships or bad habits.
Do you want this to continue into a new year and beyond? Are you in therapy yourself? You mentioned NA, but a personal therapist would be great.
I'm sorry for your hard time. ❤
Your marriage is something you DO NOT have to tough out. Your husband was jealous of you to begin with which is a red flag. Now he is making your life unbearable because of the affair. It's been about a decade now since it happened. He needed to make the decision to forgive you and leave it in the past. He has no right to bring it up anymore if he really wanted to move on. He is unwilling to get counseling. There is no reasoning with him. I seriously recommend a divorce. You sound like an independent woman who can take care of yourself. You don't need him. You are not his prisoner. Please consider a divorce. Tell him you will not tolerate his emotional abuse anymore and to move on or you are leaving him. By staying with him, your daughter is not seeing a good example of how she should be treated in a relationship. It's not healthy whatsoever.
A new year is coming up. This is a great time to re-evaluate our lives and see what we need to let go of before a new year is here...whether it's toxic relationships or bad habits.
Do you want this to continue into a new year and beyond? Are you in therapy yourself? You mentioned NA, but a personal therapist would be great.
I'm sorry for your hard time. ❤
Marla1976
Bluelighter
Thanks for your support.
cduggles
Bluelight Crew
@Marla1976 How are you doing?
Question:
@ Malevolent
Am confused, are we enabled to just randomly comment on people's poor decisions everywhere, like in the lounge?
Like can we just comment on how many BL posters are seriously fucked-up, personality disordered, assholes etc???
Cause I can think of many, all is over these boards & if one can then, all can...right?
Or is it just directed at, Marla/ easier targets????
Maybe best shut thread down instead of leaving it open for entertainment.
We don't know what anyone is going through on here, judgement can be exerted, tactfully.
@ Malevolent
Am confused, are we enabled to just randomly comment on people's poor decisions everywhere, like in the lounge?
Like can we just comment on how many BL posters are seriously fucked-up, personality disordered, assholes etc???
Cause I can think of many, all is over these boards & if one can then, all can...right?
Or is it just directed at, Marla/ easier targets????
Maybe best shut thread down instead of leaving it open for entertainment.
We don't know what anyone is going through on here, judgement can be exerted, tactfully.
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