Is it possible that I'm just better off dead?

[RedLeader]

Man, you're 24 years old. Even if you're been drinking hard for a while, it's unlikely that your liver won't be able to repair itself over time. It's a very resilient thing. Sure, your levels might be not so great right now, and even if a doctor presents this to you, s/he will also probably let you know that as long as you get this under control at your young age, you can (and will!) lead a long and happier life.

I had all kinds of physical problems when I was boozing hard that I was convinced were related to my liver. The pain on the right side of my body. The weird tingling all over and brain zaps when I ate too much or from another reason, felt like my other internal organs were rubbing up against my ballooning liver and causing all of this reactionary physical terror. Now I am not even close to a doctor, and perhaps some with more knowledge of what actually goes on down there to cause the discomfort will speak up, but again, don't panic about your liver because again, in time it shouldn't have a problem growing back into a healthier version of itself.

I know it's nerve-wrecking, and the elevated anxiety/stress/obsessive-compulsiveness/depression/terror that constant alcohol consumption leads to (apart from those shrinking windows where you actually have a good buzz going on). But get out of that while you can. Because the physical side-effects, those convincing you that your organs and bodily functions are slowly decaying, will only get worse, and the time-windows when you feel "drunk" in a good way shrink, and then shrink some. And man, it will get to a point where the shit stressing you out in real life that you don't think you could ever handle sober, that really becomes comparatively A LOT easier.

No need to scare you, but as someone who has abused several different drugs, when alcoholism gets back, it's up there with the absolute worst of them.

I am very happy to hear that you've considered the doctor's visit. I challenge you to get that scheduled tomorrow! Be sure to swallow any pride and be 100% honest with him about intake, side-effects, psychological fears surrounding sobriety, and anything in-between. Doctors can give you meds to help with the cravings, the side-effects, regulating your sleep, minimizing your anxiety, and overall a medical taper can be almost painless. And even though you may not go to a rehab or closed-community like that, you should borrow their structure in that for the first week or even couple of weeks, keep either to yourself or around a solid support group so that triggers and things that could get you worked up emotionally can be kept at minimum, and you have all the time in the world to get used to sleeping sober, coping with bad news sober, managing anxiety sober and taking on any difficulties I missed in a "trial setting" before you're ready to take over your complete real life.

I don't mean to ramble on, but you remind me a lot of myself back in that stage of my life. So if I can be a friend for you through this, feel free to PM me about anything from the actual process of quitting drinking to anything stressing you out that might make you reach for the bottle, for an outsider's advice/perspective. We're all in this together.

 

[NotQuiteThere]

Bro I identify with you 100%. I don't have a solution (if I had a solution then there would be a lot of happier people out there). I'm 23 and living with my parents and getting fucked up all the time. It may seem hopeless, but fuck it, one time after you take two shots why not use that energy boost to fess up what's been going on? Sure it'll feel shitty and embarassing, but your family definitely doesn't think you're better off dead, and neither should you. Alcohol addiction like you've described is a quite common problem. Although people are led to it for a variety of reasons, the manifestation is usually like what you've described. Fortunately, since it's so common, there is a lot known about it. If you're alone at home with your parents, you'll feel alone. If you go to a meeting or support group of some sort with people experiencing similar issues, you'll see how not alone you are. It'll make the recovery process that much easier.

FYI I've found that alcohol is just as hard a drug as any other. The only more devastating ones are hardcore opiates, meth, etc. Good ol booze can fuck you up pretty severely as I've learned.

 

[NotQuiteThere]

One plan I had was to force myself to cut down by buying smaller quantities of better quality alcohol, like good beer, since I thoroughly enjoy drinking it and I wouldn't have the money to afford enough to get shitfaced. But my frustrations and certain life circumstances changed that. Now I feel like, maybe the more disgusted I get by this shit, the less likely and often I will consume it. If I ever taste the actual vodka, I am automatically repulsed and start vomiting.

I've tried the better quality alcohol trick. hasn't worked for me. Only resulted in higher credit card payments. It's really shitty because when I have a lot of booze laying around, I drink it. If I feel like throwin it out, I feel like it's pointless because I'll just go buy more. It's vicious man, I feel you.

I unfortunately tend to eat when I drink. Which is one reason I'm overweight. I've wished in the past I could figure out how others don't eat when under stress so that I could lose off pounds, but reading your post and others' has shown me that undereating can be just as much of a curse.

Stay strong man.

 

[Deleted member 170540]

If you're not eating anything, you should at least take vitamin supplements, especially B1 (thiamine). Thiamine deficiency combined with alcohol WD can lead to Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome which damages the brain permanently. If you're drinking that much, you probably can't safely quit cold turkey, you need a diazepam taper in hospital.

I'm an alcoholic too and I sometimes have "benders" of drinking 20+ beers a day for 1-2 weeks. During that time my daily rhythm is similar: unable to eat anything, getting out of bed just to toss back a few beers and go back to sleep for couple of hours, then drinking again. I can't keep drinking that much for a longer period of time because I get so bad acid reflux that I can't stomach any more alcohol. I also get other side effects like sweating profusely from even minimal physical exercise, and an itchy rash in my upper thighs.

In the WD state after the binge I have similar feelings of hopelessness and self-loathing, but that goes away after a couple sober days...

I attended a few AA meetings last summer but I didn't quite fit in because everyone else there was a lot older than me (I'm 29). (In some other places there are special AA groups for young people.)

 

[Fresco]

At this point I'm willing to try anything. I'll give it a read and see what I think

I assume you know how to use bittorrents.

You can dl for free all kinds of e-books on LOA. Such as:

All of Abraham-Hicks books: http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php
Or this book: http://www.amazon.com/Everything-Law-Attraction-Book-transform/dp/1598697757

Once you get the hang of it LOA becomes disgustingly easy. You have to give it about 6 months though to see results

 

[blahman8000]

Thank you everyone for your responses. You've all been very helpful.

I woke up a couple hours ago with a bit less of a hangover than usual, although still feeling sick and had a tough time getting out of bed. I drank very slowly last night, basically just maintaining, and not going overboard. Right now I've that bottle of vodka in front of me and I'm staring at it and it's tempting, but I'm also so disgusted by the thought of drinking it right now (basically just the taste and quality of the liquor), that I'm about to move it out of sight because I'm literally about to throw up.

I'm going to attempt to eat something and, like polymath suggested, take a vitamin. I'll probably have to drink later on but right now, I'm committed to cutting down until I'm done for good.

 

[fridgebuzz]

Try drinking so much you black out in public and regain consciousness is a jail cell. That's a reality check. Haven't touched booze except sipping on Disaronno since then. There's something that rings in the expression, "drugs and alcohol have ruined my life." If time is the master of success, then drugs and alcohol just waste my time.

 

[Dave]

^ I think that they've figured out that lesson without involving the police. It's great that you've been able to clean up since your bottom, but I think that avoiding worsening the situation, if possible, is preferable.

 

[blahman8000]

Kinda slipped up tonight. Not too too bad, but bad enough. I woke up around 10 and managed not to touch a drink until around 4, which is unusual for me when I actually have booze in the house. I was completely sober the whole time, and I felt alright except for the craving. Eventually I caved in and had maybe 4 drinks over the course of 5 hours. Still not touching shots, and I'm gonna see if I can keep it light tonight so I can wake up feeling okay tomorrow and cut down a little more. I still think I'm getting somewhere. But I found out something involving a recent ex of mine becoming closer to some dude we both know, and I wasn't ready for that. I know, lame. But I really didn't need that.

 

[RedLeader]

You didn't need it, and that's why staying in contact with exes, especially when there's still feelings involved, is NOT good overall, and a horrible thing to try and mix with getting clean/sober.

Seriously though, whatever fact you found out about your ex, that fact will still be floating down when you sober up. Being hungover AND plagued by that thought is worse than just being plagued by that thought, right? So why spend an entire night running from it (alcohol may help you get a few car lengths ahead, but you never get away) when you could be doing something productive instead? Alcohol does not make it better. It makes you go from an anxious mess about your worries to a crying mess over the same things.

Get petty with it, if you have to. Lift weights so that other ladies will notice you. Chat up a woman on an internet dating site. Really, anything so that you're not drinking because of failures with the ladies, and not getting anywhere with the ladies because all you do is drink. You see how that could be a problem. Users send themselves into downward spirals like that all the time. I know I necked a couple ecstasy pills when I found my ex cheating on me, and about 9 months and 150 pills later I finally managed to stop. With sooooooooo much collateral damage to go with it.

You won't get anywhere in the sober world unless you learn to deal with emotional situations like this in other ways. That's the cold, hard truth.

Another truth, though (and I speak from experience), is that when you get clean/sober, you start living more in the present (living in the present, thinking about the future), as compared to the addict drowning in memories and endless "what if's." You will see this once you get some sober time under your belt. You'll be able to work toward mid- and long-term goals, and will have more reasons to keep living comfortably and not being content throwing it all away.

Keep at it, man. Cut the girl and the other dude out of your life. Let them be. Because you're more important right now, and if you can find happiness in sobriety, that's probably way better than either one of them have right now.

 

[blahman8000]

I agree that people shouldn't remain in contact with their ex's, although I've actually completely cut ties with her. I found this out somewhere else, and didn't really see it coming. Then again, maybe I did. She was kind of a lying bitch to me most of the time, and I was drunk enough throughout 2011 to trust her, and that was obviously a big mistake. You can only forgive a person so many times, but the whole thing ended with her ignoring me yet leading me on for a couple months until I just said fuck it. It still hurts, but I know the kind of person she is, and there's no changing her. I thought it was possible, but it's not. She simply doesn't give a shit.

In my experience of being sober (not very much but still), I did feel more capable of working towards a better future for myself. And to be honest, I think I'm running out of time to get my shit together. I can't be unemployed and drunk forever. Hopefully I'll have a better day today.

Thanks for the advice, man.

 

[herbavore]

I don't have the will to live, nor do I have the will to kill myself, so my life has been kind of a purgatory for years. I truly question if I'm going to survive much longer at the rate, but at the same time, the only time I ever really give a shit about surviving is when I'm drunk or high. I know the solution should be detox and rehab but I don't want my family to be any more aware of this than they already are. I have school coming up and I just know I could have a seizure at any time in the classroom unless I'm drunk.

I feel for your situation--it's heartbreaking. You are living in a way that is a living hell for you (and would be for anyone!). I wonder if your desire to protect either your family (their feelings) or yourself (from their reaction), is not exacerbating your horrible sense of isolation? I know that is a big question. Sometimes families can be supportive and sometimes they are half the problem but either way, keeping the depth of your anguish from them is not helping you. Is there anyone within your extended family that you could confide in that could help?

 

[blahman8000]

I feel for your situation--it's heartbreaking. You are living in a way that is a living hell for you (and would be for anyone!). I wonder if your desire to protect either your family (their feelings) or yourself (from their reaction), is not exacerbating your horrible sense of isolation? I know that is a big question. Sometimes families can be supportive and sometimes they are half the problem but either way, keeping the depth of your anguish from them is not helping you. Is there anyone within your extended family that you could confide in that could help?

I very much appreciate your compassion. No, I don't communicate with my extended family at all, honestly. And I feel rather disconnected from my family. I've confided in friends, although perhaps the wrong ones. I don't have any friends who would care all that much. They seem to be more preoccupied with their own problems. I guess that's why I'm drawn to The Dark Side (meaning this forum, although I suppose the other kind of dark side, too, lol).

Back in 2009 I ended up having a nervous breakdown because of my anxiety/depressed/obsessive thinking, and I ended up telling my dad about it, and was honest with my parents about my drinking, and in retrospect I kinda regret the whole thing. I didn't enjoy being the center of attention that way, and I regret the things that my parents now know about me and my past. And yes, this probably does contribute to my sense of isolation, or maybe it just goes hand-in-hand with it.

 

[herbavore]

I get that. So, my next question then is if you could envision establishing a trust relationship with someone in your college counseling center? I had a counselor while I was in a horrible state in college that really made it possible not only for me to get my degree but also to get the right kind of help outside of school. Everything was kept completely confidential and I credit him with not only saving my life but contributing to the quality of it by helping me deal with the pressures of school while going through all the other stuff.

I know that it can be hard to think about people having such intimate knowledge about your struggles but I would still encourage you to find ways to do it, even with baby steps. It took a similar breakdown and my ensuing inability to hide anything from anyone to explode that kind of stoic self-protection out of my life; the world changed for me for the better after that and I see it as another example of some great gains coming out of great losses.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I want to be able to just live a sober life. I really think that would be great. But at the same time, I think I've given up. For some reason, there's this powerful subconscious part of me that makes me want to destroy myself.

Man I can really relate to this. I want to be sober, so badly. But I feel like I'm a million miles away from long-term sobriety. It's been in my "too hard basket" for so long, I really don't even know where to start to be sober, and part of me now thinks that I shouldn't bother. So yeah, I can definitely relate to that.

I know that I'm being a little bitch about it and I should just grow some balls and get better.

Oh man, if only it was that easy!! No-one would be addicts then! Try not to be too hard on yourself. You drink for a reason, whether it's to fill a void, or to mask/numb negative emotions, or to block your thoughts so you don't need to deal with them, or whatever other myriad of reasons, alcohol is serving a purpose for you. This is why it can be so hard to let go of it. It's NOT easy to get better, in fact it's really fucking hard. But it's so worth it

I acknowledge that I am weak and that this is pathetic. I just don't know how much longer I can go forcing myself to eat some small snack every couple days and passing out every few hours, just to force myself out of bed. I can barely keep my head up as I type this. I'm probably going to go lay down and fall back asleep after I finish, because I drank again. It is pathetic.

I don't believe that it is pathetic blahman, not at all. Like I said earlier, you drink for a reason. You started using alcohol as a way to cope and now it's backfiring on you. It doesn't mean you're a little bitch or pathetic. It's a helluva drug man, it creeps up on you and takes such a firm hold, and it happens so gradually that before we notice what's going on it's too late. So firstly, allow yourself to validate how hard this is, accept that you are powerless over alcohol, and please go and get some help. I know that you don't want to die man, you're only 24. You've got such a huge chance to turn things around and to be that happy person you long to be. Please try